Datingnoob Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Hi, I've been reading threads here for some time now and recently became involved with a woman I care for deeply. However, I discovered after 3 dates that she is dating multiple people (she did not disclose this to me before these dates). I saw her for two Sundays in a row and she told me that she would be busy/unavailable for the two following weekends. This made me feel very awkward and I questioned her about multiple dating partners. She admitted to it, but would not discuss it further. I asked her for exclusivity for dating at this point (not for relationship) and she refused. At this point, I asked her what she wants me to do. She said it's ok for me to date other people since she is doing the same. I also asked her if I should move on and not wait for her, but she said that she still wants to meet with me a few more times before reaching a decision. I really like this woman, but I feel as if she is being very dishonest with the other men (she never told me that she is dating multiple people at the same time). I want to see her, but I feel as if I shouldn't unless she can agree to date me exclusively from this point (to work toward relationship). I'm seeking advice on how I should proceed with this. My problem with her approach to dating is that if she decides to become exclusive with me, the other men whom she is dating will be rejected without an appropriate explanation (they don't know she is dating other people at the same time). Do I even want to involve myself with someone like this?
Beerme Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Hmm... 3 dates? That's not a very long time to be dating. For me personally, I wouldn't be asking for exclusivity at that point. You obviously feel differently. Without knowing all the dynamics of your situation, I still feel that she is certainly not a bad person for still dating multiple guys. Its not always the case that you can come to a decision to date someone exclusively after a few dates, even though it may ultimately end up that way. If I were you, I'd either take her advice, and possibly see other women. Or, if you're so into this woman, and don't want to date others, then don't. Continue to hang with her for a bit, and see where it leads. Eventually, she'll have make a decision, but I think giving her a few more than 3 dates is the mature thing to do.
CarrieT Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 My problem with her approach to dating is that if she decides to become exclusive with me, the other men whom she is dating will be rejected without an appropriate explanation (they don't know she is dating other people at the same time). Do I even want to involve myself with someone like this? Did she tell you this? I would hazard to guess that the other guys might very well know she is dating multiple people -- as you now do -- especially if they have been around longer than three dates. You are making some huge assumptions here; that IF she becomes exclusive with you and she has to reject the other guys, that there would be no appropriate explanation. The explanation could be open and honest and forthright: "I've been seeing someone else with whom I wish to be exclusive." That is an appropriate explanation and might very well be what she says to someone else or YOU. There is no way I would be exclusive with someone after only three dates and I think you are being very restrictive in your requirements. This is what dating is all about - getting to know people and finding out if a relationship is worth pursuing exclusive of all others is almost impossible to do after a mere three dates.
MRA_NYC Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 The general policy of acceptability is that it's okay for a woman to be "dating" multiple guys if and only if the dates are "friend dates": nothing physical, and Dutch on the payment. If she makes out with you or you pay for a date and she's still seeing other men in a romantic context, she's a whore or a player and you should throw her to the curb. On the other hand, women can go on "friend dates" (e.g. hanging out over coffee) with as many men as they want. I don't know what "dating", in this context, is. If you've gone Dutch for 3 dates and haven't been to first base, she's doing nothing wrong-- she's just not that interested in you. In fact, it sounds like that's the case anyway. Now that you asked for exclusivity at a time she considered far too early, she's even less into you. (Sorry, but that's how it works.) You shouldn't "really care for" someone after 3 dates. You hardly know her, so don't get emotionally invested. A lot of sick, twisted people can be charming for much longer than that. You don't know anything about this woman-- who she is, what she thinks of you, what her values are-- and the signs are very clear that she's just not into you (otherwise, she wouldn't shut you out of her next 2 weekends). My advice: stop calling and emailing her altogether. No texts either, obviously. Start the forgetting process now. If she contacts you, then you have leverage to move the process forward on your terms. If she doesn't, nothing was lost because that establishes she was never that interested in you in the first place.
Stockalone Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 I really like this woman, but I feel as if she is being very dishonest with the other men (she never told me that she is dating multiple people at the same time). I want to see her, but I feel as if I shouldn't unless she can agree to date me exclusively from this point (to work toward relationship). I'm seeking advice on how I should proceed with this. Frankly, I wouldn't see her again. I don't multi-date, I give my undivided attention to one woman and expect the same in return. I feel it is rude to see more than one person. When it happened to me, I stopped dating the women who were also seeing other men. If I had kept dating them, I'd have felt like I am just an option among many where I get just enough attention to stick around until something better comes along. Good enough to be a meal ticket and providing them with attention when it suits them. And if nothing better comes along, I am just chosen because I am the last man standing. That's just not good enough in my opinion. I expect to be chosen (or rejected) for who I am, not what I am in relation to some other guy. There is also the possibility that multi-daters have sex with more than one of the people they date. I don't want to have a relationship with a woman who had sex with other men while she was dating me. My problem with her approach to dating is that if she decides to become exclusive with me, the other men whom she is dating will be rejected without an appropriate explanation (they don't know she is dating other people at the same time). Do I even want to involve myself with someone like this? Most people won't disclose that information voluntarily. They think you should assume that they are seeing other people. I don't think that is right either, but it is what it is. But you can't know what she would tell these other guys in case she'll choose you. Nor can you know if she hasn't told these guys that she multi-dates. Whether or not you keep seeing her really depends on how much it bothers you that she is seeing other men. That being said, there will be plenty of women who multi-date. If you don't date them, you'll limit your dating pool. You have to decide what is more important to you.
Ody Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 However, I discovered after 3 dates that she is dating multiple people (she did not disclose this to me before these dates). [...] I asked her for exclusivity for dating at this point (not for relationship) and she refused. [...] I feel as if she is being very dishonest with the other men (she never told me that she is dating multiple people at the same time). She wasn't dishonest with you. Dishonest would have been saying, "no I am not dating other people". Or saying, "sure we can be exclusive" and then she continues to date others. She actually was quite honest about things. Also how is exclusivity for dating not a relationship? You're tailoring your behavior and choices towards another person. Sounds like relationship to me. My problem with her approach to dating is that if she decides to become exclusive with me, the other men whom she is dating will be rejected without an appropriate explanation (they don't know she is dating other people at the same time). Come on, be honest with yourself. Is this really your problem with her dating multiple people? How the other guys will feel when she shoots them down? Well, if so luckily for you I don't think you'll have to worry about that. I don't think a relationship so young can get past this type of friction.
sally4sara Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 If you're not cool with it, then you're just not cool with it. You don't have to date someone who has a more relaxed pace than you if it makes you feel bad or anxious. Look, some people jump right into the thick of things while others like to take their time and be sure they can commit to someone before agreeing to commit. Some people are really good at hiding their crazy till they think you're snared up proper and won't run screaming the moment they admit they use to buy hookers, seek out minorities to beat up, or poison their neighbor dogs for barking too much. (just some of the third date examples I've experienced ) If you cannot date a person with this style without feeling all bunched up over it, it means the two of you are not compatible. You get attached quickly for whatever reasons. Unless you feel that has caused you trouble in the past, you shouldn't get down about it and change who you are. She shouldn't change her style either if it works for her. Just don't continue to date her if you can't without hassling her about this; it won't score you any points.
DustySaltus Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 She's holding tryouts....why not hold your own tryout? Date a few women yourself. Then as things progress and you find out what you are looking for, start to cut that number down. I would refrain from doing anything physical with any of them unless you tell them their are no strings attached. As far as with her, withdraw a little bit. Let her come to you.
northstar1 Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 The general policy of acceptability is that it's okay for a woman to be "dating" multiple guys if and only if the dates are "friend dates": nothing physical, and Dutch on the payment. If she makes out with you or you pay for a date and she's still seeing other men in a romantic context, she's a whore or a player and you should throw her to the curb. On the other hand, women can go on "friend dates" (e.g. hanging out over coffee) with as many men as they want. /QUOTE] Who made up this policy? I've never heard of this one. She's a whore because she might kiss a guy on a date, or accepts a dinner/lunch where he pays? Seems a little puritan to me.
jerseyboy Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 I'm inconsistent I think its a completely healthy and even intelligent way for women to date. Conversely, I would likely move on if some woman ever told me she was seeing me and anyone else at the same time. I wouldnt want to be the intellectual choice. I think she should know is shes into me quickly. I dont want to be the default choice of being the oen left over at the end because the others werent interested, or grew bored.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 As a woman who has been in monogamous, long-term relationships my whole life and is now just beginning to date in the traditional (yet modern) sense, I can tell you that not only is multi-dating common these days, most people have the attitude that you're old-fashioned or overly idealistic if you don't do it. Even my counselor (a very smart woman who I don't feel has ever given me bad advice) advocates multi-dating and has encouraged me to consider the idea of "dating just for the sake of it, not as a means to an end". Pretty much all my friends seem to think that dating just one guy at a time puts too much pressure on that potential relationship, and are also encouraging me to date in a light way and only become exclusive and get serious with one guy if I see real potential with him. Times are changing. Believe me, if I'm dating more than one guy at the same time, I am doing my best to make a decision as quickly and fairly as possible. I would never want to string anyone along. The best thing you can do is relax and be yourself. If you are a good fit with her, that'll come through and she'll pursue something more serious with you. If not, she won't, and that'll save you both a lot of wasted time and heartache.
Author Datingnoob Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 You are her backup plan. This is the best answer. Thank you. I will not call this woman anymore and wait for her to call me. If her interest in me is the same as when we last talked, I'm sure she will call me like she said she will. I appreciate all of the responses. While I do not agree with many of your beliefs (some just don't make any sense at all and I don't want to argue/debate), I respect your view on dating.
Left in a Lurch Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Stockalone summed it up perfectly- "I expect to be chosen (or rejected) for who I am, not what I am in relation to some other guy." I usually feel after 3 dates or a month or so you should be at the verge of being exclusive. If a woman is dating other guys I understand, but if she told me she would be unavailable and wasn't excited to see me for two weeks after my last date, I'd get the feeling she could take me or leave me, when I want someone that actually looks forward to going out with me. Especially in the beginning I can tell if there is potential when the woman actually wants to see me and made an effort to see me. If she worked a lot and was busy but was willing to meet up at 11 pm on a Tuesday just for an hour or two it was a good sign. If she could only muster one night in a month it was pretty clear I was just something to do to cure her boredom, a wallet and a chauffer. If I were you I might give her another date or two, except the whole "see you in 2 weeks" would absolutely make me lose her number and ignore her calls.
threebyfate Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Here's some brutal honesty from a woman who's multi-dated quite a bit in the past and can now view it retrospectively. Whenever I multi-dated, I wasn't all that into the men, whether I didn't want to get into a relationship with anyone, or just, plain, wasn't that into the men. Whenever I was open to a relationship and found someone worth focusing on, there was no multi-dating. While not all women are like myself for certain, thought I would provide my own perspective. And yes, whenever I multi-dated, I always fessed up to doing so, so the guys had the opportunity to decide for themselves, whether they wanted to continue or not.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 ...except the whole "see you in 2 weeks" would absolutely make me lose her number and ignore her calls. Yeah, that's a good point. I wouldn't put off a guy I saw potential with for that long unless circumstances were truly out of the ordinary.
Lizzie60 Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Can't blame the girl.... good for her if she can handle multi-dating ... If you don't like that.. then you can just move on and leave her alone.. simple as that.. she and no one is forcing you... She's independant.. she's probably not sure yet .. and most probably has no one in mind for a durable relationship.. so she keeps looking.. To be brutally honest with you... she'll probably dump you soon.. If she was really into you.. she would have dumped the other guys.. and concentrate on you.. sorry dude..
motive2002 Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 To be brutally honest with you... she'll probably dump you soon.. If she was really into you.. she would have dumped the other guys.. and concentrate on you.. sorry dude.. That's exactly why "multi-dating" is absurd. If you're a guy and this line of crap gets laid on you, cut bait and move on quickly. It's just a cowardly way for a woman to say "I'm not really that into you."
sally4sara Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 When I multi dated, I was honest about it and interested enough in who I went out with to accept a date. Expecting anyone, male or female, to be all about you without having time to really get to know you seems awfully demanding and self serving. Of course you know everything about you, but THEY don't. And lots of people can seem interesting or charming, but are in fact liars, cons, abusers, and just plain not compatible. Finding these things out; really finding these things out rather than just taking their word for it, takes time. And knowing these things, well why would someone just, on sight with only a few hours of interaction pledge their full commitment to another person? Hell, no one would act this indignant if someone wanted to look around before deciding what car to buy. Why assume the worst? IMO, a trend of assuming the worst is another indication that someone might be a bit too unhinged to be compatible with me. When one of the guys I was dating seemed more interesting than the others, he got more of my time. Upon learning enough to feel assured I was dealing with who he genuinely was, I stopped dating the others.
pandagirl Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Multi-dating is fine, as long as you're not leading on the people involved. Going out on a few dates with each guy is fine, because you're just getting to know them. But if you prolong each situation, I think you owe them the honest truth. Also, as soon as you start having sex with one, you should tell the others. I know most people don't disclose this kind of information, but in a perfect world, they would! Being on the other end of a situation -- discovering a guy I dated was also dating and sleeping with another woman after two months -- I really wish he would've be up front with me. Two months is much too long not to say anything. The weird part, it would've went on indefinitely with him keeping his mouth shut if I hadn't asked.
Rudderless Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 That's exactly why "multi-dating" is absurd. If you're a guy and this line of crap gets laid on you, cut bait and move on quickly. It's just a cowardly way for a woman to say "I'm not really that into you." Totally agree with this.
Sysyphus28 Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Hi, I've been reading threads here for some time now and recently became involved with a woman I care for deeply. However, I discovered after 3 dates that she is dating multiple people (she did not disclose this to me before these dates). I saw her for two Sundays in a row and she told me that she would be busy/unavailable for the two following weekends. This made me feel very awkward and I questioned her about multiple dating partners. She admitted to it, but would not discuss it further. I asked her for exclusivity for dating at this point (not for relationship) and she refused. At this point, I asked her what she wants me to do. She said it's ok for me to date other people since she is doing the same. I also asked her if I should move on and not wait for her, but she said that she still wants to meet with me a few more times before reaching a decision. I really like this woman, but I feel as if she is being very dishonest with the other men (she never told me that she is dating multiple people at the same time). I want to see her, but I feel as if I shouldn't unless she can agree to date me exclusively from this point (to work toward relationship). I'm seeking advice on how I should proceed with this. My problem with her approach to dating is that if she decides to become exclusive with me, the other men whom she is dating will be rejected without an appropriate explanation (they don't know she is dating other people at the same time). Do I even want to involve myself with someone like this? You know what man, I have had the same exact situation. Seriously. I met this GREAT girl, both beautiful and talented....... She wanted to "see how things worked out", and continued to have sex with me, while multi-dating and being uninterested in any commitment. It was fun for about two months. Then I felt wierd, because if she was sleeping with other people, shouldn't I be trying to catch up with her, or balance out the situation. It ultimately led to resentment and jealousy. It isn't 1969 and we are not in Haight Ashbury with flowers in our hair. Tell this girl if she can't give you the attention that you deserve, and she has to multi-date to constantly feel wanted or sexualized, to take a hike. I told this girl that I was noone's second choice, and that I would not settle to be blown off for some other dude on the weekend. I don't care if it is one date or three dates. You don't have to settle for feeling less awesome than from anyone. You don't need some nasty "multi-dating" girl.....gross dude. Think about it, you are kissing a girl who has been doing God knows what that same day with different people..... Get yourself an honest good woman, and tell this skank to go F her harem of bro's on her own time. SYS
jerseyboy Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 multiple dating is normal these days If a girl likes you, sees you as desirable to other women, she is not going to jerk around. Just the opposite. They are worrying you'll be doing it to them. I only even remember it being brought up once. me: so what are you doing tomorrow night. her:uh...well....I kind of have a date with this guy.....Its noting really...do you want me to cancel it me: I dont control what people do.Only what I do. Do whatever you feel comfortable with... her: Ill cancel the date then
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