SeventhBase Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Since this is the most general forum, I'm going to post this here and see if I have better luck getting replies. So I've caught myself in quite a dilemma here, and it's dragged on for about two months already. In the beginning of October, I had finally mustered up the courage to hit on this one girl in my class that I had my eye on. To my delight, we hit it off pretty well, and thus commenced some three weeks of light yet mutual flirting. (Or so it seemed.) I had walked her home on several occasions, having great conversations where absolutely wonderful chemistry was demonstrated - she was laughing and smiling and giving me eye contact: all the classic signs. Beyond that, we had never gone anywhere - not even out for coffee. Apparently she was very busy. (And very well may have been, because she told me every detail of what she did in lieu of us going out.) So just when I was ramping up the flirting, guess who decided to show up from lands afar? That's right, her heretofore-unmentioned boyfriend. That's right - she never even mentioned his existence even when I was trying to ask her out, and now I've met him in person? Of course, I acted all cool and collected when she introduced me to him, but deep down I felt betrayed. But then I knew (or though I knew) that it was over... or was it? After giving her the silent treatment for a week, I decided to bring this issue up to her. The dialogue went a little something like this: I said, "You're a great person and I enjoy talking with you... but you could have told me." Looking a bit nonchalant, she answered, "Well, I didn't know what to think." I now regret that I did not pursue that line of thought. I simply wanted to terminate any ambiguity and get away clean. So I simply stated, "Now that I know, we could always be friends." Problem solved, right? If only. I had already been bitten by the love bug, and it only served to complicate things. I tried to flirt with and ask out other women, but that really only served as a coping mechanism. She was on my mind even then. (Besides, none of those women really seemed interested.) Worse still, she's been acting quite erratic towards me. She'd first seem to ignore me or want nothing to do with me... and then the next moment she can't stop talking to me, and then we start laughing and sparks start flying... (For the record, I see her roughly twice a week, always after class. It's not that frequent, I know - but I think quality here matters more than quantity.) Another coping mechanism I have is to seek out excuses for why she is just plain wrong for me. Plenty of good that's done for me - I just get more curious about her. If she just told me to sod off and never have anything to do with her again, it'd sting, but at least the situation would be resolved. Instead, I'm dragged along for two months over the somewhat likely possibility that she might like me back. It is this very uncertainty that's killing me. Now, I'm not a stupid guy. I can recognize some of the possibilities and consequences. I'm just a bit over-analytical, and would prefer to know the big picture. Maybe this is all that I'm fretting over - uncertainty, rather than loneliness or unrequited feelings. For one, she could really be playing me all along. But to the extent that I know her as a friend, I don't really see it in her personality to do so. She's quite soft-spoken and demure, and not that aggressive. For all I know she's probably unaware of the effect of her actions on me. Maybe she was just being friendly, and it only came across as flirting. That would be a misinterpretation on my part. The thing is, I'd like to think that I have had enough experience to tell the difference between simple friendliness and showing interest. Or maybe she, in the absence of her BF, was seeking male attention, and she found it in me. Maybe she doesn't see any value in me beyond that, or maybe she does. In that case, it's best for me to avoid altogether, since she just might repeat the same behavior with me. Or... (this is the option I admittedly desparately want to believe in) she genuinely likes me, but feels conflicted because she's already involved. So I've got some possibilites. The most rational would be for me to forget about her and go for the fish in the sea. Rationality really isn't a big factor here, and yes, I have gone fishing to no avail. Alternatively, I can go for the quixotic option, and hope things between her and her BF come to a close before jumping in. Or I can go ahead and steal her from him. Win her heart by showing that I'm not only closer to her, but also more of a man. Now before you say anything, YES, I have seriously considered stealing. It's not the most nice thing to do, and I really feel horrible for even entertaining the thought. I really don't want to be "That Guy" - you know, what they call "the Other Man" around here - and I hate to have to do it to a guy who really is NOT a bad person. But that's the state of affairs in my mind. In my head, I know what's best for me, but the heart just pulls me towards a potential deep pit. Or... I can try to close this chapter once again by coming out and confessing my feelings, or maybe even get her to confess her thoughts (positive or otherwise), results be damned. Of course, this might destroy the friendship we've built... or more accurately, it'll destroy any chance of me being associated with her ever. (But isn't that the point?) Frankly, to be a nice guy, I have to show that she has more value to me than "potential girlfriend," and to simply cut her off after all chance of romance is gone demonstrates the precise opposite. So right now I only have a bunch of question marks before me. I hope I've given enough details for you to formulate thoughts and analyses. I'm grateful that forums like this exist - I sure need the support! (tl;dr version: I like girl. Girl might like me. Has long-distance BF, but never told me about him. Found out only when he showed up. Tried to confront her about issue and end the romance, but I'm still attracted. Help? No BS.)
Jerry18 Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 (edited) "Now that I know, we could always be friends." Although I didn't read the rest of your post, but the moment you said that you're welcoming yourself for a long period of disillusionment and sadness. I thought being friends with the girl who rejected me would get us closer... it didn't really help and I wasted a lot of time trying to be friends with someone who I didn't neccessarily want to be friends with. Most likely scenarios from highly probable to less probable: 1. Misinterpretation of "flirting". 2. Purposely flirting with no intention of relationship. 3. Likes you but lack the push to dump her boyfriend and does not want to cheat. If I were you I would try my best to get a date that is unequivocaly (sp) romantic (no doubt that it's not a friendship hang out). At the very least kiss her on the lips. But, it's better to have sex to steal her from her boyfriend and push her to a point of no return. If that doesn't happen within 1-6 weeks (depending on how many women have the potential to meet ie. the opporunity cost, eg. if you're at college then it's close to 1, 6 if it's remote village with mostly seniors) cut your losses. Sever all ties. Find a new girl to hunt. Edited November 28, 2009 by Jerry18
Thornton Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Or maybe she, in the absence of her BF, was seeking male attention, and she found it in me. Or... (this is the option I admittedly desparately want to believe in) she genuinely likes me, but feels conflicted because she's already involved. Sometimes people in LDRs get bored with the LDR and wish they had someone who they could actually see regularly. Then they meet someone who they like, and they feel conflicted. The natural response is to keep quiet about the LDR and see what happens with the person they just met, and make a decision only when necessary. Perhaps you haven't made it clear that you're interested, so she realises she has an alternative to staying in the LDR? If she isn't sure that you're an option, she'll just stay in the LDR. If you make it clear that you're interested in a relationship, then she's in a position to make a choice. But she isn't going to dump her LDR for a guy who she's not even sure is interested... she probably has a lot of time and history invested in the LDR, plus it would be uncomfortable to get out of, so she had better be sure you're worth it before she commits to leaving a comfortable relationship in order to be with you. Or I can go ahead and steal her from him. Win her heart by showing that I'm not only closer to her, but also more of a man. Now before you say anything, YES, I have seriously considered stealing. It's not the most nice thing to do, and I really feel horrible for even entertaining the thought. It's impossible to "steal" someone - they have a mind of their own, you can't make them do anything they don't want to. You offer her the option to be with you instead of with this other guy, and let her make her own choice. If she chooses you, that's up to her - but it's not stealing when it's her own decision.
Author SeventhBase Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 If that doesn't happen within 1-6 weeks (depending on how many women have the potential to meet ie. the opporunity cost, eg. if you're at college then it's close to 1, 6 if it's remote village with mostly seniors) cut your losses. Sever all ties. Find a new girl to hunt. Actually, if you read the rest of the post, I only said that to ensure that I won't get into trouble. I'm not trying to enter her friend zone - this is why I keep a fair amount of distance - just enough to be mysterious/alluring. I also have the side effect of not acting too desparate around her. (All the desparation is on my side alone!!) With that last line, though... you see, that's why you need to read the WHOLE thing. I HAVE been trying to pursue other women. The hunt was not only fruitless, it was only as good as a coping mechanism for the fact that I didn't have the girl I REALLY wanted. Well, that period you outlined has pretty much expired. (We only see each other twice a week, but still.) But should I just be an ass and cut all ties just because she's not going out with me? I don't really believe in "all or nothing at all". Enjoying the cogent analyses from all of you - keep 'em coming.
Jerry18 Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Actually, if you read the rest of the post, I only said that to ensure that I won't get into trouble. I'm not trying to enter her friend zone - this is why I keep a fair amount of distance - just enough to be mysterious/alluring. I also have the side effect of not acting too desparate around her. (All the desparation is on my side alone!!) With that last line, though... you see, that's why you need to read the WHOLE thing. I HAVE been trying to pursue other women. The hunt was not only fruitless, it was only as good as a coping mechanism for the fact that I didn't have the girl I REALLY wanted. Well, that period you outlined has pretty much expired. (We only see each other twice a week, but still.) But should I just be an ass and cut all ties just because she's not going out with me? I don't really believe in "all or nothing at all". Enjoying the cogent analyses from all of you - keep 'em coming. You said it yourself that the hunt for other women is not useful if you keep thinking about her. That's why either you gotta sever the relationship so that you can move on. Look, if she's just flirting with you to make herself happy without the intention of asking you out then you shouldn't worry about you trying to be an ass. Girls are sometimes evil. Second of all, what do you think you can accomplish by not doing "all or nothing"? Do you think it's ok for you to try and be her friend even though you want to **** her in the bed? Do you think she'll like to hang out with someone who wants her for sex? Do you think her boyfriend will be happy when she's friends with a crush? Now you don't have to actively tell her hey STFU from now on. But, what I did was I just stopped talking to her. Of course if she talks to me I'll respond just to be polite but the degree of interaction decreased by 90%. Once you start liking her sexually then it's too late to say, hey let's just be friends. It's either be her BF or nothing. Anything in between is just an abomination.
Author SeventhBase Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 Just like to give you all an update, if anyone still cares. She's apparently still with her BF, though I'm not sure about the state of their relationship. Either way, this week could very well be the last time I see her, ever. So I'll arrange a casual date for us, before or after the exam, where I will just end this damned issue and confess to her for my own sake. If she warms up to my message, that's great. Otherwise, I get the satisfaction of having it off my chest once and for all, and I can finally move on. No need to painfully speculate "what could be and what could have been." Thank you all for your help.
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