Recently dumped and still very heartbroken.

[buckley11]

Hello everybody, I'm new to the site. Anyway, my girlfriend dumped me about 6 weeks ago, and we've had very little contact since. We were together for a little over 2 years and needless to say, I'm pretty devastated still. Basically about 5 months ago, we were having a rough patch, arguing more than normal and we were also looking for a place to live together because we had to move out of our own places at that time. While we were in the process of looking for a place, my ex started asking me if her best (girl) friend could move in with us so we could all save money. I wasn't really into the idea, but eventually went along with it just to keep my girlfriend happy. Actually I was pretty hurt that she wouldn't just live with me..Anyway, one day she told me that her best friend had found a 4 bedroom place and that she (my ex) was moving in with her and another girl. She essentially said that I could move in if I wanted to, but i could tell she just wanted to live with the girls without me. Now, I loved this girl more than anything, and we had talked about marriage and kids in the past. Then she just tells me she's moving in with her friends, and just doesn't seem to give a **** about me anymore. She never even had a talk with me about it beforehand. ANyway, I decided to move into this house with the girls just to salvage our relationship. (I know, bad idea...) After I moved in, I just felt like a third wheel. She just started being so mean to me, saying hurtful things, and not even showing any remorse about it. She just seemed a little too "close" to her friend, and it kind of creeped me out a little at times. She was so nice her, and just seemed to use me. Meanwhile, this was just killing me inside. Nothing I did made her love me like she used to.

 

Here's a little history: She told me she dated a girl before me, but insisted it wasn't serious..They just kissed or whatever. We also had some mutual friends that were lesbians, and one night me, my ex, and one of the lesbian friends were intimate with each other. Sorry if this is TMI, but after that incident, she never seemed to express any interest in other women, and I just assumed it was an experimental phase of hers that had come and gone.

 

So, after living in this house for 3 months, I couldn't stand the way she was treating me anymore, and I let her know it. Then, she basically broke up with me and threw me out of the house. This is the hardest thing I've probably ever been through. Anyway, my ex's best friend (the roommate) has always had boyfriends, and doesn't seem like a she's truly bi-sexual, but what do I know? They just seemed a little too emotionally "close", and I actually started to feel jealous that they had so much fun together, and would just act distant and "polite" to me.

 

I went back to the house last week when my ex wasn't there to get the rest of my belongings, and they had just had a party at the house because it was all decorated (so much for my ex's grieving process.) Anyway, there was a sign on the stairway up the bedrooms that said "Gay scene: enter at your own risk." It's a joke of a sign, but why would you put that near your bedrooms if you're straight? AND, when I got my TV out of her room, there were a bunch of "L" Word dvds near it. That's a show on cable about lesbians. I promise I'm not making any of this up.

 

I've been beating myself up so bad about the break up, feeling guilty about the arguments we had before the moving situation..But after seeing the stuff at the house, I'm starting to feel like maybe there IS something going on between my ex and her friend, and maybe I shouldn't feel as guilty and rejected. Maybe I should even feel happy that it's over. I'm just so confused and still very heartbroken. She basically blamed me for everything when we broke up, listed my faults, and didn't own up to anything.

 

I'd really appreciate it if anybody could help me out here. I'm just trying to not feel so horrible about this. I know it seems like she may be in love with this girl instead of me, but is this too easy of an explanation? Could my ex truly be a lesbian (or bi) or does she maybe think it's cool or 'trendy' to act like one? I'll be devastated if she ends up with another guy in the near future. HELP! thank you for reading, and sorry for rambling on for so long.

[Back2dabasics]

well you will never know for sure. you're just assuming by the evidence you've gathered. anyway, she doesn't love you if she treats you like crap. think about it. right now, its probably the worst thing that you're through. but sooner or later it will be the best thing for you. a girl will come along and will treat you better than your ex. i should follow my own advice lol. my ex treated me like crap. i understand you've talked to your ex about marriage and kids and a future together. i have to with my ex. that's just young love. you should move on and be on the NO CONTACT therapy thing. ignore her. if its meant to be, then its meant to be. if its not, God has better plans for you. good luck.

[dazzle22]

This is one example where the adage really does apply, "it's me, not you". The problem here does not lie with you but with her. Yes, I think all the signs are pointing to that she wants to try the L thing.

 

There is a theory about romantic relationships developed by J Money at Johns Hopkins that goes as follows: When we are very young, starting at age 5, we start to form what are called "love maps", kind of a grid, based on our life experiences that forms what we see as romantic love and what we want in love. Something has formed her "love map" in a very different way than yours. My guess is, if you explored her past you might see something in her family or experiences that pulled her in this direction. So,, it really is NOT YOU. You just did not fit her map. You will find someone who feels you really "fit" with what she wants. Maybe several people will feel this way about you. You deserve better.

 

You sound like a really nice guy. Just look at this as a learning life experience and that the relationship "has run its course". When you are young it is best to hold relationships more "loosely". Everyone is immature,doesn't know what they want, doesn't know how to behave in relationships and there is a lot of "trial and error". People will come and go, and most of the people who will be important to you at age 50 (where I am), you haven't even met yet! That is true, and that should make you feel better if it really sinks in...

[Broseph]

That really sucks man I feel pretty bad for you, this seems like a total bitch move. It sounds to me like you have a big heart and know what you want but met the wrong person. Not sure at all what my ex has been up to but I think now I realize that although we were best friends, got along great we were at different points in our life. It sometimes happens and sucks!!! Enjoy your memories but I say right now the less you deal and hear about her the better. Who cares if she is a lesbo its better that than a dude, the bottom line is she treated you bad, you stuck up for yourself and she kicked you out? Feel proud that you showed balls... You will be fine bud

[buckley11]

Thank you guys for the responses, they've really helped. It's been about 2 months since the breakup now and I'm still having a really hard time. Apparently my ex is with some other guy now, or several guys possibly, and this is just a slap in the face how quickly she could replace me. I read about other people's ex's calling them or contacting them to try and reconcile after a while, but with her...nothing. Also, I guess my whole "L" theory is blown too. It just sucks when the girl who is your best friend suddenly turns on you one day, and eventually just kicks you out of her life (and house). She basically blamed me for everything and said the real cause was the fight we had 4 months before the breakup. WTF? I've been through a few breakups before, but my self esteem has never suffered like this after. She just made me feel so flawed, and she just carried on with her happy little life, without missing a beat, or me. I just don't get it, and now she has a new man already. She's competing in a beauty pagaent next month, so maybe that got to her head..I don't know, I'm just trying to find reasons or closure.

[Back2dabasics]

Thank you guys for the responses, they've really helped. It's been about 2 months since the breakup now and I'm still having a really hard time. Apparently my ex is with some other guy now, or several guys possibly, and this is just a slap in the face how quickly she could replace me. I read about other people's ex's calling them or contacting them to try and reconcile after a while, but with her...nothing. Also, I guess my whole "L" theory is blown too. It just sucks when the girl who is your best friend suddenly turns on you one day, and eventually just kicks you out of her life (and house). She basically blamed me for everything and said the real cause was the fight we had 4 months before the breakup. WTF? I've been through a few breakups before, but my self esteem has never suffered like this after. She just made me feel so flawed, and she just carried on with her happy little life, without missing a beat, or me. I just don't get it, and now she has a new man already. She's competing in a beauty pagaent next month, so maybe that got to her head..I don't know, I'm just trying to find reasons or closure.

 

you aint alone. my ex replaced me 1 week before it was officially over. you should be thankful that your ex is NOT trying to contact you. it saves you the stress and the drama. trust me she'll get what she'll deserve sooner or later. and maybe she'll contact you when she finally realizes what she lost but by the time you'll have the advantage because hopefully you will be over her by then. the tables will turn. for now, forget/ignore her and try to move forward.

[gaudi]

..I don't know, I'm just trying to find reasons or closure.

 

If it's closure that you want mate then that's the easy bit. You make your own closure. This girl is not what you need (although, right now, she may seem like what you want) Forget about her, she's not for you, and whoever she ends up with next, she probably won't be for them either.

 

It sounds like you know what you want mate.....go get it! as for her.....let her go figure it out on her own, best of luck to you mate !!!

[Zeegagge]

Heh, you'd be surprised how much you're not the only one. My ex started hanging out with this chick right after we broke up. Then they started hanging out more and more, then that snowballed into a relationship, i love you's talk of moving in together, etc etc. Oh and you guessed it, L word dvd's. I dont even know what my advice is here, but yah, you're definitely not the only one.

[carolinawanderer]

Thank you guys for the responses, they've really helped. It's been about 2 months since the breakup now and I'm still having a really hard time. Apparently my ex is with some other guy now, or several guys possibly, and this is just a slap in the face how quickly she could replace me. I read about other people's ex's calling them or contacting them to try and reconcile after a while, but with her...nothing. Also, I guess my whole "L" theory is blown too. It just sucks when the girl who is your best friend suddenly turns on you one day, and eventually just kicks you out of her life (and house). She basically blamed me for everything and said the real cause was the fight we had 4 months before the breakup. WTF? I've been through a few breakups before, but my self esteem has never suffered like this after. She just made me feel so flawed, and she just carried on with her happy little life, without missing a beat, or me. I just don't get it, and now she has a new man already. She's competing in a beauty pagaent next month, so maybe that got to her head..I don't know, I'm just trying to find reasons or closure.

 

How bad was this fight?

 

Except in very exceptional circumstances, ONE FIGHT should not be anywhere close to a relationship-ender. If you said some incredibly mean things or hit her or something, that might be a deal-breaker, but otherwise, that's not a good reason, and she probably doesn't know what being in a real relationship means.

 

My parents bicker every day and they have been together going on 23 years. And I know they would never split up.

 

And, honestly, the real cause doesn't matter. She treated you like total and complete crap during the breakup, and even if that fight was your fault, that does not merit anything close to the way you were treated.

[buckley11]

Thanks for the advice and thoughts on my situation, I appreciate it. So, my ex does officially have a new boyfriend already, and I guess I just have to accept it and basically never contact her again. I'm just kind of embarrassed that I was that deeply in love with someone who had the capacity to be that callous and heartless. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life, and she didn't appear to feel any pain at all. I looked at her facebook page (big mistake, I know), and she's written things like 'life is sweet' and 'loving my life'. Whatever happened to karma? She dumped me, broke my heart, kicked me out of her house, and now she has a new love already, and everything's great? I really am a good guy, and I just don't understand why I deserve all this, and life appears to be rewarding her for what she did to me. Sorry to vent, I'm just so frustrated and confused. I mean, we did have a period in our 2 year relationship where we were fighting more than normal, but I never laid a finger on her, berated her, or cheated on her. I know I made some mistakes in the relationship, but I don't think anything I did would warrant the kind of treatment I've gotten from her. I just really need to get over this girl because obviously she isn't worth it. It's just taking more time than I thought. I'm rambling, so I'll stop, but thanks for the help.