jennie-jennie Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Weren't you married while having this "long term relationship" (you can dress is up as pretty as you want - you are still having an affair with a married man, having sex with a married man, helping a man cheat on his wife, asking a MM to choose between you and his wife, being a mistress to a married man, etc)... so you were teaching your children that it is okay to cheat. But that's right, it is "different" because you are in a long term relationship. I have never been married. I have had a 25 year long relationship with the father of my children. Think of it what you want, but this is how it is: I had already told my SO that I was going to go internet dating because I wanted a new partner, since he was not fulfilling my needs. We had at this time already been living in separate apartments for many years and for the last year even in different cities. I told him immediately about MM, an old highschool sweetheart of mine, contacting me. He took care of our kids the first trip MM and I went on together fully aware where I was going. I told him immediately when MM and I had had sex for the first time. My SO still wanted to maintain our relationship. Since my MM was not leaving his wife, I stuck with my SO for yet half a year. As late as last week, I asked my now exSO hypothetically if he would want me as a FWB, and he said yes. So in no way can you say that I cheated on my SO, since he was fully aware about my relationship with MM and still wanted us to maintain our relationship. What he got upset about was that I eventually ended our relationship. If he would have had it his way, we would still be together to this day even if I was still seeing MM.
jennie-jennie Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 I'm sorry, but that is rationalizing and refusing to accept any responsibility for what is happening. That's like a criminal ( not that I am saying you are a criminal, or a bad person) saying" if they didn't want me to steal that jewelry, they wouldn't be displaying it in the shop window... it was so beautiful I couldn't help but smash open the window and grab it". I would ask you if you will tell that line to your daughter if her spouse cheats on her - 'it's not wrong that he cheats on you, but it's wrong that he stays with you" you can call it whatever you want, but you are seeing a married guy. I wonder if the shoe were on the other foot, would it still be okay? ( sorry if it seems like I am arguing with you, I guess we'll have to "agree to disagree' and leave it at that, but thank you for taking the time to respond. but whatever happens in your life, I do hope that you find happiness- I just wish that it wasn't at someone else's expense) I believe in love, not marriage, thus my moral code is different than yours. And I have been the BS, so I know what that feels like. Yes, I would tell my daughter that: If he has fallen in love with another woman, he should divorce you.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 (edited) I kept my OW/cheater things so far separate from my home life that my kid never knew, nor did I ever put myself in a position where she would even have to ask. There is no way on the face of the earth or in all the heavens I would have exposed her to that. I was exposed to my parents' philandering at a young age and there is no way I would want my kid to have gone through that. It had long term effects on me, and I certainly would not want her going through the same thing. There's a difference between lying to your kid(s) and being discreet to the point of not having to lie. My parents had their problems, and I had mine as a result. That is no reason to pass them on to my own kid. Edited November 28, 2009 by LucreziaBorgia
NoIDidn't Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 There's a difference between lying to your kid(s) and being discreet to the point of not having to lie. Exactly. I wish my dad had known the difference. I am not a very trusting person partly due to the fact that he taught me that people, and men sometimes, are just not trustworthy. If you can't trust your own dad, who can you trust? I think, personally, that all people in affairs should be discreet enough to not have to lie about being in one or not. The children of the OP should NEVER meet the MP until it is no longer an affair - however things turn out. My dad was really disgusting when I was a teen. He was in his mid/late 30s and would mess with anything in a skirt. He was even messing around with some of the girls MY AGE in my neighborhood. I really think if a person is going to cheat, they owe it to their family to not be so stupid and selfish as to cause their children any real grief because of it. Don't sleep with neighbors, or team mates parents. Don't mess around with the pediatrician or a staffer at the kid's doctor office. Of course its best if they never cheat at all, but, for goodness sake, make it a new/random stranger not someone that could really turn the lives of the people you claim to be protecting, upside down.
complicatedlife Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I have to add that I think it's rather 'unhealthy' to have a 'buddy' relationship with kids.. they are not our 'best friends' they are our kids.. and I think it's unhealthy to tell them our dark little secrets.. about affairs, lovers, anything that is sexual and personal... I feel that an 'immature' parent would confide in their children..(and not just about affairs.. about anything personal and private)... a responsible, strong parent would never do that.. IMO. Agreed. A parent is either going to be a mom or a dad, or a friend to their child. At my age, mid 30's, my parents are STILL just that - my parents. There are still topics that are just off-limits because of that relationship - some things only my friends should know and be discussed with, and the same thing for my folks! Though I can talk to my mom a little more than my dad.
Impudent Oyster Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I believe in love, not marriage, thus my moral code is different than yours. That's fine, you aren't married. However, your MM and his wife ARE.
jennie-jennie Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 you ARE condoning cheating. you are the woman a married man is cheating on his wife with. Teaching your children that cheating is not okay would mean that you would stop seeing this married man, because when he sees you, he is cheating on his wife. to you, the relationship ( him cheating on his wife) is okay- you actions show that you condone it. You know the kids can separate one person from another. Their father is a compulsive gambler, I am not. Their father is abusive, I am not. Their father is obsessively religious, I am not. Their father can not handle money, I can. My daughters have taken after me in every aspect, not after their dad. I am certain they can separate my MM's cheating on his wife from me. I cheat on noone.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Kids learn from the adults' examples, whether they intend for them to or not and the examples that are set are not always taken the way they are intended.
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