Affairs and Kids

[fooled once]

For those OW/OM who have kids and have been or are currently still involved with a MM/MW...

 

Do your kids know the Affair Partner is married? How do you explain that to older kids?

 

My S was 6 when my A started. He was 8 when it ended. For the first year of the A, the MM lived in an apartment and we visited it a few times (most of the times, MM came to my house). So my S didn't know he was married. He had no idea the MM moved back in with his W after the year of living on his own.

 

I can't image had my son known I was screwing a MM.

 

But I read on here how kids DO know. That blows my mind. That is humiliating, IMHO. For my kid to know I was sleeping with someone else's husband --- how do you explain that? The standard "he doesn't love her" line? What happens when the kids follow up with "they why don't they divorce"?

 

For the Mom's --- is this what you would want for your child? For your child to be involved in an affair? I would be crushed if my son was ever a MM having an affair on his wife. I would be so disappointed in him. I would think "I raised him better than that". For the mom's of daughters -- how would you feel to find out your daughter was the betrayed spouse? Wouldn't that want to make you smash the face of her husband?

 

I guess I ask because I can't understand why anyone would willingly let their kids (especially older kids) get involved with coming to care about the married person their bio parent is sleeping with. I can't image these kids have much respect for their parent or the person their parent is having an affair with.

 

So for those of you who have your kids involved....how do you deal with it? Do your kids respect you?

[jennie-jennie]

My daughters were 10, 12 and 21 when MM contacted me again four years ago. We were once highschool sweethearts. They thought it was incredibly romantic.

 

They respect me, and know that I have done what I should, ie ended my relationship with their dad. They do not understand and do not endorse that my MM stays married.

 

They have never met him, because we do not live in the same cities and usually meet some place in between. They have talked to him on the phone though, and he has sent them candy at times. We are planning to let them meet him some time in the future.

 

My eldest daughter wonders why MM stays in a marriage he has apparently emotionally already moved out of. My middle daughter thinks I should move on to some more available man. My youngest daughter comforted me when I was sad during NC and told me that she loves me.

 

All my daughters have wonderful caring long term boyfriends. And as I have said before, I used to be worried about this because their father is an abusive man.

 

With the openness and honesty we have about relationships in our family I believe there is less chance of deceit in their future marriages. We talk about what is. We are faithful to those we love.

[jennie-jennie]

Oh, and Fooledonce, I am not "screwing a married man". I am in a long term relationship with him.

[Lizzie60]

I just can't believe this.. why would the kids be involved in the A???? I don't get it..

 

Kids of any ages should be left out of the marital problems/A etc...

 

I have 2 children.. my daughter may 'doubt' that I have married lovers.. but knowing her.. she will never ever question my love life.. she knows very well that it's not her business..

 

Chances are that your son might be a MM/BS one day..and that your daughter will most likely be an OW/BS. There is nooooo way you can tell what the future holds for them... especially in now days..

[jennie-jennie]

I just can't believe this.. why would the kids be involved in the A???? I don't get it..

 

Kids of any ages should be left out of the marital problems/A etc...

 

So let's ponder what my alternative to telling the kids the truth would be.

 

From the beginning I did not expect an EMR since my long lost sweetheart was married, so I told my kids about him contacting me.

 

So then it turns into an EA and eventually a PA. Should I then start lying to my kids about who I am on the phone with for hours daily, who I am traveling to meet, who it is I am IM:ing with? What would this teach my kids? It would teach them that grownups conceal their relationships and lie. To me this would look like pretty good training of my children to have deceitful relationships.

[fooled once]

I just can't believe this.. why would the kids be involved in the A???? I don't get it..

 

Kids of any ages should be left out of the marital problems/A etc...

 

I have 2 children.. my daughter may 'doubt' that I have married lovers.. but knowing her.. she will never ever question my love life.. she knows very well that it's not her business..

 

Chances are that your son might be a MM/BS one day..and that your daughter will most likely be an OW/BS. There is nooooo way you can tell what the future holds for them... especially in now days..

 

Lizzie,

 

I hope and pray my son is NEVER a cheating MM NOR a betrayed spouse from a cheating lying wife.

 

I agree with you that kids should NEVER be involved in their parents love life, unless they remarry. When H and I dated, he met H after H and I fell in love. There were NOT sleep overs at H's house or my house when I had my son (when we had sleepovers, my son was at his fathers). I know many women who involve their kids in their dating life. A former co-worker would always have the flavor of the week sleep over and her kids were exposed to it One time the youngest asked "is that going to be my new dad" to a guy she brought home.

[fooled once]

Oh, and Fooledonce, I am not "screwing a married man". I am in a long term relationship with him.

 

who said you were? Quite defensive aren't you.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

my kids are both very young. xmm knows them well. they have no understanding of this but are very fond of him, as he is of them.

[jennie-jennie]

who said you were? Quite defensive aren't you.

 

Oh, so it was just you who was screwing a married man. Sorry, I thought that was your general opinion of EMR, but now I understand it only applied to your EMR.

[jennie-jennie]

Lizzie,

 

I hope and pray my son is NEVER a cheating MM NOR a betrayed spouse from a cheating lying wife.

 

I agree with you that kids should NEVER be involved in their parents love life, unless they remarry. When H and I dated, he met H after H and I fell in love. There were NOT sleep overs at H's house or my house when I had my son (when we had sleepovers, my son was at his fathers). I know many women who involve their kids in their dating life. A former co-worker would always have the flavor of the week sleep over and her kids were exposed to it One time the youngest asked "is that going to be my new dad" to a guy she brought home.

 

I agree with you, Fooledonce, that children should not be involved in their mother's dating life. Now I am in a long term relationship so that is something different. Also I don't have the luxury of having their father taking care of them once in a while, I take care of my children all the time, which means your solution would not be possible for me.

 

I have a friend who also took home different men every so often and let her child meet them. That bothered me as well. None of the men were married, so that was not the issue. I just don't think the children should be introduced to "short term" men.

[OWoman]

My sex life is my own business. It was only at the point where it was going to affect them - when my H and I had decided we wanted to be together, full-time, and long-term, that I broached it with them. As there were a number of alternatives at that stage, we discussed them all, and so they were fully on the page as things unfolded.

 

They liked him. They liked how happy we were together. They don't have conservative hang-ups about M, so that was never an issue.

[jennie-jennie]

They don't have conservative hang-ups about M, so that was never an issue.

 

Neither do my kids. I believe that is the key.

[NoIDidn't]

As the kid that was around these EMRs, I can say that it sucked now, I didn't know anything then.

 

I didn't know that my brother's father was married until about five years ago - long after my brother as passed.

 

Of course, I knew that my dad was sleeping around with several women, so I was directly exposed to those but he lied to me thinking that I should believe his lies. I didn't.

 

One very possible result of involving kids when one is having an EMR and they know about it is that they lose respect for you -whether they tell you right away or not. Its kind of difficult to tell children (young adults and minors) that they should live in a way that you obviously haven't.

 

Another outcome is that they repeat your lifestyle/choices - with gusto - and you can't tell them a thing about it because they will not listen to the pot call the kettle black.

 

If I were to start dating (just regular dating), I would not involve my kids until a relationship starts to get serious. I see no need to tell my kids who I am seeing until they meet them. Sure, they can know where I am going and his name, but I see no need to let them in on how often I speak to my dates or let them speak to them over the phone.

 

I can't imagine how it is for a woman with kids to date a MM, considering he needs to stay under the radar and will likely run into her kids in their own home. Or cases where the kids all go to school together (MM's and OW's). OMG, my best friend growing up, her mother was dating a MM for over 15 years. I met him, knew him, the whole nine. I also went to school with his kids. When they found out who my best friend was, because they knew of the affair (that eventually turned into a marriage as well), they stopped speaking to me.

 

I can't see anything good coming out of introducing one's AP to their kids. I just can't. Its dysfunctional and really messes with the kids hearts and minds. And, coming from a similar background, I know.

[jennie-jennie]

Do you know, NID? If I am interpreting you right, you were lied to.

[NoIDidn't]

Do you know, NID? If I am interpreting you right, you were lied to.

 

Do I know what?

 

My father lied to my face about what he was doing with the women, and I knew for a fact that he was sleeping with them. Most lived nearby and told me "Your father is leaving your stepmother" type BS (not for betrayed, lol).

 

My mother didn't lie to me, as she was the one lied to. He told her he was divorced. She didn't find out that he was married until he left after his W called from the state he was actually from and told her the truth.

 

I'm guessing she didn't tell me at the time because I was only 9 years old and she was really humiliated and hurting. He left us with a disabled child (his) and never spoke to me and my other siblings ever again. The man lived with us for two years! And just walked away never to say another word to me. He's still alive too. I may try and contact him one day.

 

Well, I guess I was lied to in the big picture. Yet, I still can't see how being told that truth would have made a bit of difference in the end. Even your child that you told the truth asked you why you can't date "available men". Lied to or not, once a child knows the truth, they can't understand why their parents do it. Going along with a parent's choices doesn't mean that the child understands or condones. Its not like they have any real power in the matter.

 

JJ, have you any opinion on the other part that I spoke about: my best friend's mother being the OW and my former friends over me knowing their dad and his OW? I never said a bad thing about their dad to them. I didn't pick on them or anything. They just found out in a conversation that we were having who my best friend was - I simply mentioned her name, verified that it was the one they knew and they never spoke to me again. It was my friend that had to tell me what went down.

[jennie-jennie]

No, NID, my daughter did not ask me why I did not date available men. She adviced me to date single men out of consideration to me. She wants my best, and believes a fulltime man would make me happier.

[jennie-jennie]

JJ, have you any opinion on the other part that I spoke about: my best friend's mother being the OW and my former friends over me knowing their dad and his OW? I never said a bad thing about their dad to them. I didn't pick on them or anything. They just found out in a conversation that we were having who my best friend was - I simply mentioned her name, verified that it was the one they knew and they never spoke to me again. It was my friend that had to tell me what went down.

 

Your friends must have made some connection about your loyalty being to your best friend more than to them, and thus in the extension to the OW. That is all I can think of. Perhaps they had been hearing grownups badmouthing her? Children can be cruel. You were no part of this, and still you got consequences because of the affair.

[jennie-jennie]

So my MM's children of course do not know of me. They are affected because their dad is not at home as much, because their parents' relationship has changed. And they don't know why, they don't understand why. My MM has always said that he can not bring himself to break up his children's home. Interestingly enough, he told me recently that he now believes that it would be better for his children if he could just make a choice, be it his wife or me. He sees being split on two relationships as taking time away from his children.

 

My daughters are very strong females. They take space and state their opinions. They are pro women's lib. They are independant and responsible. They are loyal and loving. It seems they are doing okay in this world so far.

[Lizzie60]

I have to add that I think it's rather 'unhealthy' to have a 'buddy' relationship with kids.. they are not our 'best friends' they are our kids.. and I think it's unhealthy to tell them our dark little secrets.. about affairs, lovers, anything that is sexual and personal...

 

I feel that an 'immature' parent would confide in their children..(and not just about affairs.. about anything personal and private)... a responsible, strong parent would never do that.. IMO.

[jennie-jennie]

I have to add that I think it's rather 'unhealthy' to have a 'buddy' relationship with kids.. they are not our 'best friends' they are our kids.. and I think it's unhealthy to tell them our dark little secrets.. about affairs, lovers, anything that is sexual and personal...

 

I feel that an 'immature' parent would confide in their children..(and not just about affairs.. about anything personal and private)... a responsible, strong parent would never do that.. IMO.

 

I agree with you, Lizzie, and I do not have a buddy relationship with my children. I do come from a culture where we do not have so many secrets however. We say things as they are. Now realize I am in a long term relationship. If I was having multiple lovers like I believe you are (?), I would not be telling my children about this.

[jennie-jennie]

I have an opinion on this, and I know it may not be a popular one, but here goes anyway ( feel free to disagree)

 

If you are seeing a married man/woman, and your children know about it, what do you think you are teaching them about their future relationships? will they not learn that it is okay to cheat as long as the married person has an excuse ( we don't love each other anymore, we are only together because of the kids, money, etc.) . I would ask you to consider what you would say to your child if their spouse was cheating on them. would you condone it, and say it was okay? you can call it whatever you want, and wrap it in all the romantic terms you want, but it's still cheating- your child sees this, and learns that it's okay, that considering the feelings of another person isn't important, they they come first, no matter who gets wounded in the fallout.

 

I will give you the following example of what I mean: my husband had an affair this past summer. I called my parents- i was sobbing and shaking and begging them to help make it better. My dad was crying too. It just killed him to see his child hurt like this. And I'm an adult. Later, after the dust had settled, he told me that a similar situation had happened between him and my mom when I was a kid- I have very vague memories of them arguing about it and then them working it out. It was a horrible time! I knew something was wrong, but didn't know what it was. He told me that until he got that phone call from me, he never realized how what he was doing hurt someone else. And his affair was 30 years ago.

 

I hope that you never get a call like that from your child, but if you do, perhaps then you will understand that cheating most CERTAINLY does affect your children, and that all the rationalization in the world won't change that.. wouldn't it be better to teach your children that they deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves only them and that they are worthy enough to find that love with a single. unattached person, that they don't need to settle- and teach them this by living that way yourself? I'm sure you are all decent people, but I just can't condone teaching your children that cheating is okay..

I thank you for reading this- and I understand that most of you might disagree- but please think about what I said.

thanks!

 

In my opinion you are mixing up two different things.

 

I am not teaching my kids to cheat because I am not cheating. My kids know that I wish my MM would divorce his wife and be only with me. Thus they know I do not condone cheating.

 

If I was married and having an affair, whether or not my children would be aware of this, I would be teaching my children to cheat. If I would stay married while having an affair, I would be teaching my children not to take responsibility for their emotions, and most likely sentence them to a marriage with affairs and infidelity themselves. If I would fall in love with another man while married and get a divorce, I would teach my children to take responsibility for their lives and their happiness.

[hopeless4u]

My son knows my xMM but thinks he is separated and thats fine with me. My xH is still very jealous of any relationship I have so my son has got used to not sharing things with his dad about my personal life and just assumes my xMM's W is the same. He doesn't ask questions about why xMM isn't staying over because I don't have boyfriends staying over all the time and when he does he thinks its normal as we are in a R, he has only met 2 other men since my D(10yrs ago) both long term R and I would never introduce him to anything less. My xMM has given my son driving lessons, given him lifts here and there and even given him advice on university. In my opinion as long as my son doesn't suffer then I see no problem with him knowing my xMM.

[fooled once]

In my opinion you are mixing up two different things.

 

I am not teaching my kids to cheat because I am not cheating. My kids know that I wish my MM would divorce his wife and be only with me. Thus they know I do not condone cheating.

 

If I was married and having an affair, whether or not my children would be aware of this, I would be teaching my children to cheat. If I would stay married while having an affair, I would be teaching my children not to take responsibility for their emotions, and most likely sentence them to a marriage with affairs and infidelity themselves. If I would fall in love with another man while married and get a divorce, I would teach my children to take responsibility for their lives and their happiness.

 

Weren't you married while having this "long term relationship" (you can dress is up as pretty as you want - you are still having an affair with a married man, having sex with a married man, helping a man cheat on his wife, asking a MM to choose between you and his wife, being a mistress to a married man, etc)... so you were teaching your children that it is okay to cheat.

 

But that's right, it is "different" because you are in a long term relationship.

 

Lizzie - I fully agree with everything you have said. That is the problem with so many parents today --- they are 'buddies' with their kids instead of being their parent. No matter how old my son is, I will always be his mom. He doesn't get to know of my finances, my marriage, my sexual needs, etc. He just gets to be my kid.

[GreenEyedLady]

I will always be his mom. He doesn't get to know of my finances, my marriage, my sexual needs, etc. He just gets to be my kid.

 

This is exactly right. My children don't need to know if I have a f*** buddy or if I'm sleeping with anyone at all.

 

My children still to this day do not know that their stepdad was married when I met him; it's not their business. Children are children and they don't need the nitty gritty details.

 

I mean if you continue with this line of thinking then what about your child not knowing you weren't a virgin when you married and if you lived with a man what does that show them?

 

Children only need to know as much information as necessary.

 

GEL

[jennie-jennie]

Ummm.... I would ask you to go back and look at that statement. you say you don't condone cheating, and yet you are in a relationship with man who is cheating on his wife and your children know about this. I'm sorry, but IMHO that seems like a double standard. Saying that you wish he would leave his wife does not change the fact that he hasn't, so he is cheating, and you know this, but see him anyway. That condones cheating.

 

Sorry, English is not my first language. I should have used another word, advocate would have been better.

 

To clarify, in my eyes what he is doing wrong is not being with me, it is staying with his wife. He should not have two women. Once you start up a new relationship, you should end the old one. Unfortunately that is not something that is within my control however.

Edited November 28, 2009 by jennie-jennie