Els Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Okay, I have this friend who's driving me nuts with her distress. She keeps asking me what the kindest way would be for her to break up with her bf - and I don't know, frankly. She says she just feels nothing for him anymore. Apparently they used to argue loads in the past about him not caring enough, and since nothing changed she shut up and tried to convince herself to put up with it, for the sake of their relationship. And now she says she realizes she doesn't care about him anymore - she'd been subconsciously dissociating herself from him ever since then, IMO. I don't really know the guy well, but I just told her to tell it to him like it is. That didn't seem to help her much.
sean1970 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 I don't really know the guy well, but I just told her to tell it to him like it is. That didn't seem to help her much. Keep telling her that... And make sure she understands that stringing a guy along after, when she is lonely, feeling guilty, or needs an ego boost, is one of the most cruel selfish things humans are capable of.
Author Els Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 She is planning to break up with him - she just wants me to help her find a kinder way to do it. But for the life of me, I can't think of anything. :/
Author Els Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 ... Geez, they need to start banning IPs instead of usernames...
HLP234 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 The sooner she tells him the truth, the better it will be for the guy and her, especially if he still loves her. Just be straight about, sit down and talk to them. There is no kind way, don't think saying you dunno what you want, or your confused and need time is a kind way. Its not and it hurts so much more, it hurts slowly..just get it over with.
Author Els Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 Guess I'll just tell her I don't know any better way then. :/
adamt Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Just be straight and honest. do not waffle on with feeble excuses that will give him false hope. Just dont be too insensitive. then tell her to leave him alone even if begs for contact and a response. do not offer sympathy afterwards.
carhill Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 OP, since her main complaint was him not caring enough, an honest termination of the relationship will likely hurt him little or not at all, since he doesn't care. 'It's not working out and I think it's best if we go our separate ways'
Author Els Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 Hm, carhill, that's true, now that I think about it. Wonder why she's so distressed then? She was practically in tears. He doesn't look like he doesn't care, though, tbh. They seem just like any other couple on the surface, although some of the tales she's told me about their previous arguments are quite troubling. Just be straight and honest. do not waffle on with feeble excuses that will give him false hope. Just dont be too insensitive. then tell her to leave him alone even if begs for contact and a response. do not offer sympathy afterwards. She's a total softy... I'm not sure how she'd be able to not offer sympathy, honestly.
carhill Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Hm, carhill, that's true, now that I think about it. Wonder why she's so distressed then? She was practically in tears. Because she cares, even though she's disconnected somewhat from him. It's in her nature to care. OK, I'm off to the coast for some turkey and relaxation....catch up in a few days.
Devil Inside Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 She needs to just go ahead and do it. The kindest thing to do is to be honest, straight forward, and not leave any hope of reconciliation. That way he can get to healing, and is not strung along too long.
Lizzie60 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 She can tell him something like: Hey M... go f* yourself.. I've had it with you ...idiot! seriously... there is no 'good' ways to break up.. a break up is a break up... she should be 'nice but firm'... She can start by saying that lately she's been thinking about their relationship and she no longer want to be a part of it.. she is no longer attracted to him like she should.. blablabla.. something like that.
reservoirdog1 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 There isn't a "nice" way to break up. If he loves her and wants to be with her, it's going to hurt him. She can do it without being a nasty bitch, for sure. But the "nicest" thing to do in the long run is to be absolutely categorical that it's over. She needs to avoid leaving wriggle room and giving him hope, the standard "who knows what could happen in a few months" stuff. That's just cruel. Naturally he'll want to know why she's ending it. She should tell him, but in ways that don't denigrate him, that don't mess up his self-esteem, etc. Somewhere between blaming it all on him, and trotting out the old, tired "it's not you, it's me" crap. She should tell him the biggest issues that are the reason behind the breakup, in as non-judgmental and accusing a way as possible. "[Description of the problem, not his shortcomings], and I can't be happy with that." It'll suck either way, but if being "nice" is her goal, she needs to be honest but not nasty.
threebyfate Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Does she honestly feel nothing for him or is she using breakup as a way to preemptively mitigate her own insecurities about the relationship, since he doesn't appear to love her as much as she does him? The other reason why people do this, when they still care, even though they deny it to themselves, is to use breakup as a last ditch effort to make the other person care more. But breakup only creates a chase dynamic and pretty much kills any trust built up during their relationship. If she honestly has stopped feeling for him, don't make excuses and breakup ASAP. "I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore. I used to feel that I cared about you more than you did me. Somewhere in this process, I've lost my feelings for you. While I still care about you, it's not going to work anymore."
Author Els Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 Thanks, guys. I'll tell her that. TBF, I frankly don't know. However, I tend to not question peoples' intents and honesty too much if it doesn't affect me in any way. She voluntarily told me all of this, so I'm just taking her for her word, since it's her relationship.
threebyfate Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Thanks, guys. I'll tell her that. TBF, I frankly don't know. However, I tend to not question peoples' intents and honesty too much if it doesn't affect me in any way. She voluntarily told me all of this, so I'm just taking her for her word, since it's her relationship.Understood and agree that it is her relationship. What made me question this, is that you've already told her to tell it like it is and it didn't help. So the question is, why didn't it help? Is it because of one of the two reasons I mentioned or is it because she's looking for a way to avoid the drama of break up? Until you understand what her motivations are, any advice isn't good advice.
Author Els Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 Good point. I actually suspect that she theoretically knows in her mind that she should break up with someone who she doesn't have feelings for anymore cause it's the right thing to do... but her heart has trouble accepting the actual severing of ties, and accepting that she might hurt him. Then again, it could be anything. I don't think I'd feel comfortable prying.
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