jaclynxox89 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 ive been getting close with this guy since last June..i am 20 and he's 26. We are coworkers. we've been working together for 2 years.. we work with his wife.. only on weekends. i hear from his friend that at first, they married because they loved each other but after a while, her true colors came out and she started fooling around. and i can see it too. at work, she claims to be single to everybody. oh yeah, and she is hooking up with the busboy. everybody knows it. i wonder why they won't get a divorce, and the only thing that i can think of is because they married for him to become a citizen. i heard from his friend they married 5 years ago, and he is still waiting on his papers or something. i never talked to him about it, im just too shy to bring it up.. but i wouldn't mind if he would let me know whats going on.. he is sorta my boyfriend. not confirmed yet though. alll we do is make out, text, flirt, talk, whatever. when i call him, he can go out with me no problem. its weird. he says he loves me. im the perfect girl for him. here is the thing: when we work with his wife, he is a different person. he is so much more quiet! its kinda like he doesnt want anybody to know about us being so close. so he doesnt talk to me at all on thursdays or fridays when his wife is there... its kinda hurtful! but when she leaves, he is the sweetest person in the world. i can't ignore him like he does me. i dont know why he would be so affected by her if he is SINGLE. i mean, she isnt! she doesnt care about him, obviously, everybody sees how she is at work going out with the busboy! he is the one that made me fall in love with him. he made all of the first moves, i mean, we never had sex(and i wont!) so its not like he's just going out with me for that. so he does wanna get somewhere.. but he is married. =/ i keep thinking whenever he gets papers, or whatever. they will just divorce, and all this drama will be done. i know i shouldnt be in this situation, but ive really been getting to know him for so long, and when we are together, everything is perfect. i love him. is it okay that i am in the picture even though they are still married?? but, single. it confuses me. does this make ANY sense to anybody?? any advice/help is so much appreciated!! im so confused. thank you!
RedDevil66 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 You're young, you're gullible and no one makes you fall in love, you only have that power. Stay way from this guy, he's only going to cause you a whole bunch of pain.
lori22 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Hi Jaclyn,you are in a tough situation I think you should do what makes you feel good,be happy enjoy it while it last.
norajane Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Have you discussed this with him? It doesn't sound like you have. You need to understand what their arrangement is, and the only ones who can tell you are him and his wife. What do you want out of this? Are you really planning on hanging around the fringes of his life until some indefinite time in the future when he maybe possibly would get a divorce, which neither he nor his wife have even mentioned? Why do you want to get sucked into their drama?
fooled once Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Wasn't this exact question just posted a couple weeks ago??
fooled once Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Yep, I knew it had http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t209830/
ADF Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 The whole situation you describe is very, very shady. Who knows what the whole truth is? All you can know for sure is you haven't heard it. You need to stay away from this mess.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 As long as they are living together, all bets are off. Even if they don't share a bed, they share a certain intimacy that comes with having been married and still living together. I suspect they are comfortable naked around each other going to the shower or the bathroom, they do things together to keep the household going, laundry, cleaning, etc. Even if they are not lovers, the bond is still there that will keep you at a comfortable distance. You can date, but don't expect it to be much different than dating any other married guy. It may not be as much of a secret, but he isn't going to make his own life miserable at home by advertising it openly. When my stbxH and I lived together during my cancer days, we had already been separated a couple of years by the time I had to move back in with him. We did not share a bed, we were not intimate sexually or physically, we were not a couple in a romantic way. However, we were very close. Walking around in our underwear, etc. Married people become family even when they lose their romantic hold on each other - and like family they do intimate things together and are comfortable around each other. He saw me give birth for goodness sakes - there is nothing we couldn't share after that. That said, when he found a girlfriend, he hid her for a while because it kept the peace around the home, even when he didn't have to hide her. Knowing tipped the balance in a subtle way and intimacy levels got sort of awkward. When you have a girlfriend, you don't want to be as open and comfortable in intimate ways with your ex spouse that happens to be living with you. It got weird and awkward. The girlfriend felt like an OW even though she really wasn't, and I couldn't date at all - it just felt weird bringing some OP into the home that stbxH and I shared together. It was a violation of the UNromantic intimacy we still had as a couple that was once married. It became crucial to move out when we both wanted to date. Now that we are back in separate homes, we are on our way to divorce and can comfortably and properly date. Honestly, I would talk to him about this and find out if there is a chance that they will move to separate places. Until they do, you may not like the relationship you are confined to.
MizzBlue72 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Oh.... the 'married but single' guy!!! Before it goes further -- RUN!!! This is going to cause you SO much pain. There MUST be a reason that he is still married to her. He is 'quiet' when his W is around ... makes sense especially if he doesn't want her to find out about you. Are you SURE she is sleeping with the busboy?? I know that people can get close, rumors run like wildfire... It makes you wonder why the H would stay with her if she is sleeping around. Couple of possibilities: 1. She really is NOT sleeping around and he is just telling you this (wouldn't be the first time) 2. Having the W fooling around gives the H a 'free pass' to fool around too with no guilt I would walk away.... sorry, but do you REALLY need this??
Author jaclynxox89 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 thankks everyone for your help i appreciate it alot. i know its best to just not go any further with things, but now that im here its just hard, we work together and we're constantly talking and stuff, he is so cute & friendly, and we're so close that i find it so hard to just go up to him and say "we're over", even though we're not technically bf & gf yet. i have my whole life ahead of me. TONIGHT im gonna ask him what the deal is with everything... i think that he should've let me know by now, right?? i mean, we all know it, and i think its kinda messed up he's just letting us become so attatched yet he's leaving me hanging like this wondering WTF is going on... soooo i will work up the courage tonight and yes, she REALLY IS going out with this busboy, a few months back, i was helping her out with her sidekick cellphone cause something was wrong (im an expert on those phones, so she went to me) and her default wallpaper was of her and her BF. ahha rediculous. not to mention you can just see it as they are working.... yeah. its true. what do i want from this?? honestly, i have no idea. i know im young, never really had a bf before, We just got so close so quick. we're really new, so i dont know if we have a future or not.. i would like to!! (uh, if he ever gets to divorcing her!! i dont see why he hasn't already!!, or why she hasnt divorced him... his citizenship?? idk.)
Mimolicious Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Well, yes it is possible because I AM! I am "married" but yet very "single" since my H ran off with OW. We have not been legally separated or divirced because of $$$ problems but we are NOT together. Better her than me... he already cheating on her! LIFE is great! She can live with old life... I am the most single committed person you'll meet!
Author jaclynxox89 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 haha nice, well as long as your happy. =] lol glad to hear that im not crazy, and its possible. and it happens. lol. yeah I THINK they havent divorced yet because he came in this country without permission, so he's been waiting on these papers for 5 years already (i heard this from his friend..) who says that when you enter the country that way, they make you wait FOREVER to get your papers... so that is my only guess. but its been 5 years already!! how much longer?! LOL. tonight i am gonna ask him what the deal is. well, that is the plan!! i hope to work up the courage :rolleyes:i think that its kinda messed up that he hasn't really told me anything about his situation.. he sees that i am here for him.. i dont get it.
fooled once Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 He has a wife. So you want to be his girlfriend? How can you be a girlfriend to a married man? Do you not respect the fact that he is married? Sorry, but this sounds so junior high "I am gonna ask him if he LIKES me likes me". He is married.
Author jaclynxox89 Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 You are saying "HE IS MARRIED" like we are breaking rules or something, or like they are happily married, or whatever. last August, he asked me out, so i know he likes me. thats not the question. he said how he wanted me to be his girl... all that.. i told him id have to think about it. but that was just me getting to know him, stilll.. not to mention he still hadn't told me about his wife.. but thats not the point. because as i mentioned before, they are "single".. kinda. ohh god.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 In combination with your post in the dating forum, you are being strung along. It's only a matter of time before this guy breaks your heart into a million pieces. And I hate to be the one to say this - but after it happens, you'll realize that all the older people on this board weren't as narrow-minded as perhaps you thought they were. You want to know WHY I know you're being strung along? Life experience. I'm 2 months shy of 30. I've had my share of *******s. I was actually only 2 years older than you when the first guy REALLY ****ed with my head. You'll understand after you're able to see the entire situation for what it really is. For the time being - all you are going to believe is your feelings. That's okay - I totally understand and I know for a fact I would feel the same, exact way at your age. I just hope you don't let this guy do too much damage to you - you deserve better - you sound like a sweet girl.
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