Scottyent Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 (edited) This is a REALLY long one, but i figure if i get it out on here...tons of people on this forum can give there opinion. I'll start with a fast history, because its not worth explaining every detail. In my junior year of high school (I'm now a senior in college), I fell in love with a girl. I have no idea why, but we connected and I fell head over heels. Being a hopeless romantic, i thought this was the greatest thing in the world, and that it was going to be who i married. unfortunately, right before i realized this, i broke up with her. it hurt her too much, and by the time i realized two months later, she had forced herself to move on, and proceeded to literally ignore me for two years. Naturally, this absolutely destroyed me. It wrecked my insides on so many different levels, and for a good while i could barely function. but, i kept going as this was the only option. My freshman year of college, the first week of school...I met this girl that was in a group project we were in for orientation. we immediately hit it off, and became really close. i felt as if i'd known her my whole life. Initially i didn't think of her as wow I want to date this girl, I just thought she was really nice and fun to be with, and first week of college, you look for people like that as your friends. We got a group of friends going and things progressed. After about 2 weeks and us drinking a few times together, we all got drunk and went out...and the chemistry between me and her couldn't take it anymore and we hooked up. Nothing too far, just kissing. From that point on, we started our relationship, and since we were both eachothers first, we took things slow, but had a ton of fun and lots of experiences. But, after the first year, I felt like...maybe this wasn't right, and I decided to break up with her. this hurt her really badly, because she said that I was her first real relationship (even though she had long term relationships in hs) and that she had fallen in love with me on a skii trip I took her on with my family. We eventually talked things through, and things were OK and we were moving on. She was realy hurt, but she said she learned from our relationship, and she also told me how messed up I was towards her. Apparently the whole year, i "toyed" with her emotions as sometimes i was completely in and sometimes not. The reason for this was because going into it, I was not only so paranoid of getting hurt again, but even more so I was paranoid of hurting her the way i'd been hurt, so in my head i had thought OK lets try and keep this light, but all along I guess I was putting feelings away and making her feel unsafe. So, 3 months after the break up, i started talking to her a lot again while on another family trip in florida, and she was at home in PA. I told her i had serious feelings, and couldn't stop thinking about her. Then a few weeks later, i woke up and didn't feel it, so i waited a few days, and told her that I was just confused, that i think it's best we're not together. Clearly this really hurt her for a second time. Two months after that, I went to visit her, and the chemistry was too strong. We just mesh so perfectly, and seeing eachother again, we couldnt ignore how it felt to finally talk and interact in person again. So we decided to give this another try. So we ended up dating for two years, the last quarter of which she was in england studying abroad. she got back in may, and after a few months of what i thought was routine and her just not being all there, i just felt like she wasn't the one. i felt we gave it a shot, and that it didn't work. So I broke up with her again. It was extremely painful for both of us, because same as back when i broke up with her freshman year, I was very confused because i had so many feelings for her, but sometimes they weren't there or sometimes they were mixed. She was everything i could want, but wasn't it. It really bothered me, but having tried 2 years, i assumed that we had done what we could. I was OK for the next 4 months, i just kind of put it in the back of my head and just worked a lot, went to school, and tried not to think about it. Then 2 weeks ago, i saw a few pictures of her with some guy on facbeook. Now, when we broke up, she was 100 percent in love with me, she wanted to get married, and the fact that i always put so much pressure on me "being in love" with her, and how i wanted to feel it but had trouble feeling it, made the fact she loved me so much almost a friction in our relationship. But whatever, i see her with this guy, and even though i knew she had been talking to a guy and hanging out every once in awhile, it didn't hit me til i saw the pictures. No kissing or anyhitng, but clearly flirting and being somewhat of an "item." I absolutely lost it. I have been one hundred percent crazy, crazy i didnt think i was even close to capable of. for a week i called her constantly, texted her, and could not sleep, all my feelings came flooding back. I felt absolutely miserable. She, clearly, had somewhat moved past me, but only out of necessity. she still said she cried everyday. I tried not to tell her how i was feeling, i tried to talk about other things, but eventually i brought up how much i missed her etc etc. She was very "how could you do this" because she said when i promised it was over forever, thats when she realized it was, and shes been using that to try and forget the love she had for me. She said its not fair for me to do this, and i completely agree. I have hurt her so many times, and this was so messed up to come back after what Id done. Then, after i couldn't take it because I was going so insane in my head. I said i had to see her, and i drove over to her school after work. I waited in the library and did a few things for school while she finished writing a paper, but while on the computer her best friend whos a friend of mine also messaged me and said what are you doing this is so unfair what are you thinking get out of there, leave now. Knowing she was right, i said, i can't do this i'm sorry i shouldn't have done this, and i started to walk away. but she wouldn't let me, she said i'm almost done, and she made me sit down. So aterwards we walked out to her car, and I avoided talking about things that were serious, but she insisted we at least talk, and she got into my car even though i told her just to get in hers and go home. We ended up not really talking about much, but the few minutes we talked about our relationship, she cried. i said i didnt want to talk but if she really did she could. I said, but you could never do that, which is true, she always had trouble opening up, and i was always ranting and telling her all my concerns and my feelings for her and what i was feeling, and even though it was extremely powerful and she had to feel SOMETHING, she wouldn't respond, she said she just didn't know what to say. Well this time in the car, i'm saying "you never could say anyhting. You never could trust me again after freshman year." The words just came out of my mouth cause i was talking aloud, didn't even think what i was saying...and she said, no, i couldn't. and it hit me. Everything, the reason things never felt right with her, the reason i never felt like she'd let me in, or that when she was stressed she wouldn't let me help even though i'd try and study with her to make it easier, she wouldn't let me tell her how beautiful i think she is, because no matter what i said, she didn't believe me. It wasn't what i was saying or how i was saying it, because i meant it, but it was the fact that it was ME saying it. She never got over our freshman year. She could never trust me, and i also have insecurity and trust issues so it was hard for me to be with her in such a serious relationship so soon, but there were times that i was 100 percent, because she was everything to me and we fit perfectly together. But, i know realize in those times, when i was finally ready to be everything, she could only come 80 percent because she didn't trust me. So where i eventually felt no connection and distance between us, the reason i thought i couldnt fall in love and she wasn't the one, i see that it was just that she couldn't trust me and therefore i couldn't help her and she couldn't help me. I large part of a serious relationship for me is feeling needed and feeling like i'm the only one thats allowed access to certain parts of her insides, which is normal. But she couldn't give those to me, which caused me to not feel connected or allow my feelings to grow into being in love. Even though for two years I tried my hardest to gain that trust back, i did everything, i was a wonderful boyfriend, because i always put her first and wanted to make her happy. But i guess she still just couldn't get over it no matter how much i talked to her about it, no matter how much i chipped away at it, or would blow up and argue with her about the fact that we weren't talking the way we used to or that i was really upset that she couldn't talk to me. No matter how much i told her about how much i cared about her and how beautiful she was, or how she was going to do well on any test, or any job interview, she never let me in, she never really reacted, and just kind of showed a shell of herself to me. How can you fall in love with a shell. Sigh. Ok, so back to now--> Now about a week after that talk, we talked(three nights ago) about not talking for awhile, taking a break from communication because it drives me crazy and i start texting or calling her, or writing her long emails about how i feel. She said we shouldn't talk about that, and we should just be friends right now even though its really hard for both of us, and we should move on and maybe when we're both in better places down the road, get back together. I thought this was perfect, i said OK this is mature of us, and then the next day we talked as normal, but later at night she wasn't responding too quickly to the ocasional text, and she said she went out to dinner and was renting a movie...i figured out based on how she was texting and saying things, that she was with someone. I didn't know for sure, but i thought it was with that same guy. she never goes out to eat...literally never...and she was renting some girly movie that I had said i wanted to watch sometime when we were dating and she said she didn't want to see it, plus she took him to a restaurant that she knew was my favorite and that i took her to because it was kind of a cool, tasty, different eating experience in the city. Feeling she was with this guy, and she compeltely stopped answering me, went to sleep without answering me (which for us, is rare), I freaked out. I didn't text her too much because i knew i couldn't, i didnt call her, but i didnt sleep. I vented to my housemate all night. it drives me literally insane. I couldn't deal with it, and i told her so the next day. She admitted she was with him, and didn't know why she felt compelled to lie and avoid me about that fact. I said we shouldn't talk becuase its too much for me, and she said i'll give you as much time as you need, this can help us both move on and then later on we can see if things are right between us again because i still love you. Ok, last part. So. It's been TWO days without talking to her, and i'm going absolutely insane. I just drove five hours home from thanksgiving, and the last three hours, it had all worked up in my head again and i was so angry, so hurt, so upset i was driving way too dangerously and i just wanted to be home drinking, or driving to her house to see her face again(completely opposite direction). I don't know how i can feel these things if i'm not in love with her. I think that throughout our relationhip, things have never been perfet, and maybe i'm just justifying now, but i think a large part for the past two years was that trust. I'm sure there were other things, but what is a relationship without trust. Now, i don't know what to do. A) she thinks i feel this way because i now realize shes moving on so im jealous and want her back...which im deathly afraid of being true, but at the same time, i never fully understood she didnt trust me, i just assumed because we had such deep feelings and dated for so long that she had to trust me, plus she loved me, how could she not trust me? and also, through our entire relationship, she's always had more feelings. I was always somewhat protected, and she fell in love very early and i've been waiting to since. But, now that i can't have her, and now that i realize she's finally showing the will power to not be reliant on me, i think its the slap in the face i needed to show me that no, this girl isn't just some girl that you have really strong feelings for that you tried things with, this is the woman you love and had the best three years of your life with. B)there is no way she will trust me again. Ever. and i don't know what i can do about that. I can't convince her anything since i'm the one she doesn't trust, and if we start dating again, she won't trust me even more due to the past break up. So, i can't help her have higher self esteem and be less insecure, so tension will mount again, i'll feel like we're not connecting, and we'll end up back at square one, breaking up for the same reasons. I just don't know what to do. all i do is think about her, yes i've been a complete complete idiot, and i deserve all that comes to me, but i just can't lose another girl that i've fallen in love with just because i didn't realize when they were in front of my face. I'm trying to not talk to her and for these past two days, i mean, i can't do anything, i'm absoutely heart broken. I'm willing to see her date other people, if thats what she needs, i just don't know how to deal with this. i feel like i need her in my life, and i don't understand that if i feel like that, why don't we try it again. I don't know, im just so confused, and i can't make another mistake. But the thing is, even though we thought that being apart and trying to stabilize our individual lives is best, i just....i feel like my own heart has been taken out of my chest. I don't know what to do without her, i can't imagine my life without her, everything i do reminds me of things i've done with her. I just don't get how i can feel this way, and I know she is still in love with me, and that we can not be together. I want to at least see her regularly (our schools are 20 minutes apart) but i think that won't be ok for a long while because i can't handle it with the feelings i have for her, and it also makes her upset to see me because she still loves me so much. I miss her so much, and i've talked and gone out with a few other girls...they don't even come close, i can barely stand being with them for very long even though we like the same things and can have a decent conversation. Just everything i picture in my life, a family trip, college graduation, getting my first real job, going on another camping trip with her, going to her families house, having her here during all the christmases in the future(she's jewish, thus is free on those days)...all of it, i picture doing with her. I picture telling her about everything, and talking to her about our plans together, for her life, for mine, and for our life together. I picture her being the mother of my children, and us growing up in a neighborhood like she lives in now. Are these all just illusions? or are my feelings just now, now that they've been completely tossed to the ground and hit rock bottom, maybe they are just now coming to the strength they were supposed to be all along. I don't want to lose another love of my life. I just don't know what to do, i'm going to see a therapist about all of this and other things in my life, but i figured i'd ask all you hobby therapists out there. Edited November 26, 2009 by Scottyent
brokenrightnow Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 you made me cry. now you know how she felt when you hurt her. don't ever do it again to anyone.
Author Scottyent Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 you made me cry. now you know how she felt when you hurt her. don't ever do it again to anyone. I agree. Breaking up with her was never easy for me either, we were very serious about our feelings, and even though I somehow felt like we weren't connecting anymore, i still felt like she should be the one, and she was still the person i cared about the most in my life. So breaking up with her was extremely painful for both of us. However, i agree with you, and it is what I deserve, and based on your advice and I guess logic, theres nothing i can do but stop talking to her so she can move on, because all I'll ever be to her is a terrible person, and trying to date her again can easily end up just bringing her more pain as I'll always be there reminding her of that hurt, even if I'm there with all my love. I guess its just a situation where its too messed up to come back from, no love is all that matters, no if thats how you really feel go for it...just if I love her I have to let her go because I'm not the best thing for her, far from it. And by the way, I'd love nothing more in my life then to never do this again, but i tried my absolute hardest to not to this to her, which actuallly got me into this whole mess because me trying to regulate my feelings ended in my holding back and hurting her anyway, so I guess I just won't date till I'm emotionally stable. Crying is good, let it out.
jaydumped Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 (edited) The worst thing to over-Annalise is thinking that your Ex is with someone else, you have to put it behind you and think about the negatives in your past relationship. Sure she might be with someone a guy, but at the same time if she is with him and is getting calls and text msgs from you it gives them something to talk about, something to connect on. I remember when my ex broke up with me and she slept with a guy 5 days late to which she told me on a phone conversation whilst i was snowboarding with my buddies, well the guy she was hanging out with and eventually slept with her, they connected because he went through a breakup with her. Men are all snakes too, you see by you constantly on her ass all the time and acting needy it is giving the other guy a chance to console her and have something to relate too. I became obsessed more in finding out about the guy and delving into there relationship then i was moving on and improving my life and taking notice of all the beautiful women surrounding me. I have been 5 months broken up, on the 4 set of no contact and held no contact for just over 3 weeks, ive now broken my personal best : ) I know it sound cliche and everyone says it here but keep busy man, i left my finance job to work in a place where i can meet heaps of new people and work with amazing women and literally fall in love everyday... Dont let the jealousy control you, i found out that when i stopped obsessing and calling my Ex, the new guy and her had nothing else in common and eventually split after 1 week, do you know how i knew... i had a friend that went through a breakup he made up a alternative facebook page pretending to be a gril and was talking to the rebound guy - he eventually played a part in there breakup, masquerading as a random girl giving advice with the sole intention of breaking them up to get another crack at his Ex, he found out more info then he wanted to. This is what obsession can lead to... As you can my mind was soo into her and jealousy but now i have found peace, no contact, out of mind out of sight... Edited November 27, 2009 by jaydumped
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