XP Posted December 14, 2003 Posted December 14, 2003 I am dating a man who is nice in every respect, but there is one thing that bothers me somewhat. He has a low income and it's ok with me. But what I don't like in this situation is that often he expects me to pay for him, naturally because he doesn't have the money. But I am not better off than he is, and besides I am used to it being the other way around, when a man offers to pay for things. How can I explain to him politely that it is wrong to expect that from me, how to let him know that it's him who should be doing it?
Arabess Posted December 14, 2003 Posted December 14, 2003 This topic came up on another post and I got squashed like a BUG! LOL! Once I'm IN a relationship, I don't mind swapping dinner tabs once in awhile...or offering to cook rather than going out sometimes. Initially and MOST of the time though...I expect a guy to pay. I'm not demanding in expecting flowers and gifts or need to go to the most expensive restaurants or clubs. However, if a man can't AFFORD the date....he shouldn't ask you for one. I do always buy every third round of drinks though. [color=blue].........will sit and wait for Moimeme's fly swat to smack her on the head.........[/color]
moimeme Posted December 14, 2003 Posted December 14, 2003 Oh, Geez, Arabess! Not a fly swatter. It's just that I believe that we, as grown women making our own way in the world, should share these things equally with the men. We get up on our hind legs about equality, but when it comes to dating, all of a sudden we become unable to be equals? I am BIG on fairness and, to me, it's only fair to take turns paying. Now, if the man does the inviting but can't afford to pay, he should say that up front, certainly. However I just don't buy that we should expect the men to do all the paying in this day and age, particularly if our wages and life situations are different. Where is the equalilty in that?????????????????????????????????
Arabess Posted December 14, 2003 Posted December 14, 2003 EQUALITY??? Hell, the only reason women NEED men is cause vibrators don't dance and buy drinks! hahahahahahahaha!
Tony T Posted December 14, 2003 Posted December 14, 2003 I think this guy is taking advantage of you big time. If both of you are on equal financial footing, he should be doing the paying most of the time. If he can't afford to date, he shouldn't be doing so. This is a good indication of his inability to support you should the relationship go the distance to marriage. There's simply no reason any woman should be letting a lady freeload off of her. If he has no sense of fairness, put him out of your life. But first, have a straight and very clear talk with him and let him know exactly like you want this issue handled. You have absolutely nothing to loose. Either he takes on his share of the expenses or he takes a walk. It won't be any loss of yours.
cindy0039 Posted December 14, 2003 Posted December 14, 2003 If you're on "equal financial footing," then I think taking turns paying would be a fair way to handle it. I definitely don't agree with Tony that you should only date men who make enough money to support you should it lead to marriage. In this day and age, a woman should not need a man to support her!
yes Posted December 14, 2003 Posted December 14, 2003 what if she has a few kids with him and can't(doesn't want to) work for a few years? i'd certainly want my partner to be able to support me during these years. -yes
cindy0039 Posted December 14, 2003 Posted December 14, 2003 Originally posted by yes what if she has a few kids with him and can't(doesn't want to) work for a few years? i'd certainly want my partner to be able to support me during these years. -yes I get your point. And in that case, she should be honest with him and discuss her future goals and if he doesn't or can't fit into them, then discontinue the relationship.
yes Posted December 14, 2003 Posted December 14, 2003 i wouldn't discuss kids when just dating someone. but i would take note that he can't afford to pay for my dinner. -yes
Drop in Posted December 15, 2003 Posted December 15, 2003 Finances change - you can't base your future plans on income now. Why not just tell him that since you are both making about the same amount of money, you go dutch when you go out? Tell him that if he invites you to a special occassion he can pay, and if you invite him to a special occassion you will pay. Thats fair isn't it?
dyermaker Posted December 15, 2003 Posted December 15, 2003 My personal feeling on gender equality is that it means men and women are capable of equally important roles, not neccessarily that they have identical responsibilities. I think in a family where, for example, a man works outside the home to earn money, and the woman stays at home and raises children can be a perfect example of gender equality, if both positions are valued. If one can understand that the responsibility of breadwinning and child-rearing are of equal importance, I don't see why then people are in uproar over the "old-fashioned" family. My mother (was) a stay-at-home mom, and she's also a feminist. She didn't object to women not working, she objected that her role in her family, raising me, was seen as less important when it wasn't. I don't know, to me, that makes more sense. I'm not saying women shouldn't have careers, I'm just saying that if they choose not to it shouldn't be seen as some sort of a betrayal on their belief system.
moimeme Posted December 15, 2003 Posted December 15, 2003 There's simply no reason any woman should be letting a lady freeload off of him. ! I completely agree - that is, if the 'wo' is removed. That's just the problem; if the man takes on a lot of the financial responsibility, he can risk resenting the woman for always being the taker. There are ways of knowing if a man can support you other than him having to pay all the time you go out!!! Besides, if he's going to support you, why not let him save up some of that money while you're both earning so he'll have more when you quit work? IF you quit work? If the man really wants to bear the financial burden, fine, but I think it should be discussed and agreed upon and that, if they are on equal footing, they should decide the arrangement they prefer. IMHO, nobody should freeload; neither man nor woman. Nobody should assume the other person will just take on all the financial burden. As with everything else, rather than trying to go by some sort of external 'rule', the couple should discuss, negotiate, and agree together about the way they hope to conduct their affairs.
cindy0039 Posted December 15, 2003 Posted December 15, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme IMHO, nobody should freeload; neither man nor woman. Nobody should assume the other person will just take on all the financial burden. As with everything else, rather than trying to go by some sort of external 'rule', the couple should discuss, negotiate, and agree together about the way they hope to conduct their affairs. That's kind of what I was trying to say before. You're so much better at getting ideas across than I am. Thanks.
moimeme Posted December 15, 2003 Posted December 15, 2003 You're so much better at getting ideas across than I am Not so, Cindy! You do fine! But thanks, eh.
Patty Posted December 15, 2003 Posted December 15, 2003 I think it should be half and half.Otherwise,it will always be you paying for everything.Or either that take turns paying so its even. Patty
jenny Posted December 15, 2003 Posted December 15, 2003 you'll have to make your own choices concerning who you feel should pay. he clearly has a different view of the relationship than you do. why do you continue to pay? he can't force you to do so. if he does not want to go out without you paying for him, he is not a good boyfriend nor a good friend. for the time being, i would suggest that you only go on cheap dates: i.e. walks, museums, picnics, libraries. only bring enough money to pay for yourself.
Arabess Posted December 15, 2003 Posted December 15, 2003 Originally posted by jenny only bring enough money to pay for yourself. Stop and think how hilarous that would be? You just walk up to the theatre window and buy only one ticket. Give him a sweet kiss and tell him you'll be back in a couple of hours. HAHAHAHA!
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