Magic123 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 I love my husband and tell him and show him all the time but I still have an ongoing relationship over the last 4 yrs with my ex-BF which has always been exclusive of my husband. It is only to help my ex, who refuses to meet or acknowledge my husband, and I tell my husband this all the time so he needn't worry. My husband understands the reasoning behind me helping my ex and has helped me; but reluctantly, if ever, do I divulge any letters, phone calls or other correspondence I have with my ex or my ex's family/friends to him. Recently in three letters that my husband read my ex has called me 'Dearest', signed off 'xoxoxo' and finally written that 'he still loves me and always will'. My husband believes it is wrong for anyone to be expressing singular 'love' to another person in a commtted relationship. He can't understand why I am unable to write to him that this is inappropriate sentiment from an ex, especially since in my response to him I simply asked why we were still recieving his mail. I did not show this letter to my husband. Consequently, my husband thinks I should be more open with him regarding my dealings with my ex but in doing so I won't be able to appease them both as I am purposely not clear or forthright with either because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings yet still maintain my current relationship with my ex. And here is the $60,000 question: Am I right in keeping secrets/correspondence with another man from my husband or should we work on helping my ex together and seek a compromise regarding how I communicate/relate with my ex? And the $120,000 question: Should I have any relations with an ex who refuses to acknowledge my husband and only wants me?
carhill Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 60K: IMO, your friendship with your ex should be transparent to your M. 120K: IMO, no. He's really not a friend if he's not supportive of your M. Answering the title: If you have intimacies with this ex (I don't mean just sexual stuff) which are hidden from your H and you ever prioritize those intimacies, even in your mind, then IMO, yes, you are 'cheating', if only with having an inappropriate and unhealthy attachment. If your ex needs 'help', he can hire a professional.
bentnotbroken Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 You knew the answer to all these questions before you asked them. Your H should be the most important man in your life, he finds it inappropriate, so should you.
fooled once Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 I love my husband and tell him and show him all the time but I still have an ongoing relationship over the last 4 yrs with my ex-BF which has always been exclusive of my husband. It is only to help my ex, who refuses to meet or acknowledge my husband, and I tell my husband this all the time so he needn't worry. My husband understands the reasoning behind me helping my ex and has helped me; but reluctantly, if ever, do I divulge any letters, phone calls or other correspondence I have with my ex or my ex's family/friends to him. Recently in three letters that my husband read my ex has called me 'Dearest', signed off 'xoxoxo' and finally written that 'he still loves me and always will'. My husband believes it is wrong for anyone to be expressing singular 'love' to another person in a commtted relationship. He can't understand why I am unable to write to him that this is inappropriate sentiment from an ex, especially since in my response to him I simply asked why we were still recieving his mail. I did not show this letter to my husband. Consequently, my husband thinks I should be more open with him regarding my dealings with my ex but in doing so I won't be able to appease them both as I am purposely not clear or forthright with either because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings yet still maintain my current relationship with my ex. And here is the $60,000 question: Am I right in keeping secrets/correspondence with another man from my husband or should we work on helping my ex together and seek a compromise regarding how I communicate/relate with my ex? And the $120,000 question: Should I have any relations with an ex who refuses to acknowledge my husband and only wants me? You are WRONG to be keeping those correspondence from your husband. If you are doing so, you know it is wrong. Why do you need to keep in contact with your ex? And yes, you know the answer to the other question. How would you feel if your H had an ex and the ex refused to acknowledge you and your H and her had secret communication? How can you really think this is okay?
White Flower Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Ditto to all the above. If you love the OM more than your H, then get a D and be with your ex. Oops, did I call your ex the OM? Cause that's what he sounds like.
Boundary Problem Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 60K: IMO, your friendship with your ex should be transparent to your M. 120K: IMO, no. He's really not a friend if he's not supportive of your M. Answering the title: If you have intimacies with this ex (I don't mean just sexual stuff) which are hidden from your H and you ever prioritize those intimacies, even in your mind, then IMO, yes, you are 'cheating', if only with having an inappropriate and unhealthy attachment. If your ex needs 'help', he can hire a professional. When you know there is going to be fall-out from disclosure, it is humanly tempting to just stifle information. But realistically you can't live that way. The info has to be disclosed and roll the dice and let the chips fall. Anyone who doesn't support my marriage would be out of my life (exception being Mothers In Law - they are impossible to get rid of!)
lkjh Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 You are cheating on your H, and the OM is not your friend. You can only have one spouse, pick and let the other one go free. In reality you should have cut your ex out along time ago and you should have never started inappropriate contact with him
2.50 a gallon Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 I ask you when you gave your wedding vows was it A or B? A: "forsaking all others" B: "forsaking all others, except my ex BF"
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Well, let's put it this way, how would YOU feel if your husband had an ex hanging on, someone who didn't want to meet you, and only wanted your husband. Had feelings still and you were excluded from them completely. Love notes, signing off xxoo etc..etc.. I'm betting YOU would be terribly hurt and feel your H was spending too much energy and time on and with another woman. This ex is not a true friend.. He is only in it for himself, as are you. It's a selfish friendship that IS causing problems between you and your H.
Author Magic123 Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 I believe my husband is just jealous and since this is irrational and me helping my ex-BF is the good Christian thing to do then I am justified. Doesn't anyone see it my way?
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Are you for real? Doesn't anyone see it my way? My guess is no. helping my ex-BF is the good Christian thing to do then I am justified. Are you kidding me?
GorillaTheater Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I believe my husband is just jealous and since this is irrational and me helping my ex-BF is the good Christian thing to do then I am justified. Doesn't anyone see it my way? Nope. I think you're husband is right, and further that what he's asking for is entirely appropriate and not irrational in the least. Of course, you can keep on the path you're on. But if that's the case I wouldn't hold out much hope for your marriage.
bentnotbroken Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I believe my husband is just jealous and since this is irrational and me helping my ex-BF is the good Christian thing to do then I am justified. Doesn't anyone see it my way? It seems that no one does. The good Christian thing to do would be respect the person you say means the most to you. If you are looking for justifications for actions, you already know it is wrong.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I love my husband and tell him and show him all the time but I still have an ongoing relationship over the last 4 yrs with my ex-BF which has always been exclusive of my husband. It is only to help my ex, who refuses to meet or acknowledge my husband, and I tell my husband this all the time so he needn't worry. your X is an X for a reason. Your husband shouldn't have to put up with you befriending a person you once had feelings for, probably still do, and could start up again with. My husband understands the reasoning behind me helping my ex and has helped me; but reluctantly, if ever, do I divulge any letters, phone calls or other correspondence I have with my ex or my ex's family/friends to him. Recently in three letters that my husband read my ex has called me 'Dearest', signed off 'xoxoxo' and finally written that 'he still loves me and always will'. My husband believes it is wrong for anyone to be expressing singular 'love' to another person in a commtted relationship. your husband is right. He can't understand why I am unable to write to him that this is inappropriate sentiment from an ex of course he doesn't understand, because you should be able to do it all too easily. Only reason you wouldn't write that to your X is because you want him in your life and don't want to scare him off. If someone I was with wouldn't tell another guy that his interactions with her are inappropriate, she'd be shown the door. especially since in my response to him I simply asked why we were still recieving his mail. I did not show this letter to my husband. why not? because its obviously inappropriate? Consequently, my husband thinks I should be more open with him regarding my dealings with my ex but in doing so I won't be able to appease them both as I am purposely not clear or forthright with either because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings yet still maintain my current relationship with my ex. your priorities lie with your husband...not the X. you should appease your husband and forget about a man that doesn't care that you are married and wants to send you sweet nothings anyway. You don't tell the X this because you like it...you want him to still want you. hence yes, you are unfaithful. And here is the $60,000 question: Am I right in keeping secrets/correspondence with another man from my husband YES!!!!!!!! or should we work on helping my ex together and seek a compromise regarding how I communicate/relate with my ex? what help is it that this X needs and how would it help if your H was involved? I smell BS here and this "help" is just a cover for the obvious fact that you still have feelings for X. And the $120,000 question: Should I have any relations with an ex who refuses to acknowledge my husband and only wants me? NO!!!!!!!! You are disrespecting your husband immensly by staying in contact with this X. The X should be history.
wheelwright Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 While I feel a lot of post responses here are right, they are a bit too hard on you. What is happening is that you are on the edge of an EA. As soon as intimacy becomes the kind you can't disclose,that's where you are. In an EA the MP dedicates emotional energy to someone else in secret. And I think your old friend is guiding you towards this. So stop. Ask your friend round to talk to you and your H about his problems. Don't desert him, but let him know the score. And say why you feel uncomfortable about the email contact etc. - you wouldn't like your husband to do that. Make this potential OM know that you and your H are a team before he becomes an OM. And know that saying no doesn't mean you are letting him down. It means you are strong in what you know is right. Don't get sucked into something because you don't want to let someone down. You will end up letting yourself down. It is your place to offer this person emotional support, but not in secret. I think he is being unfair to you and your M. Make him respect those things about you before you proceed. And continue to be honest with everyone.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 It is totally inappropriate to be signing your letters like that. It is also totally inappropriate to be keeping your correspondence secret, or even having a "secret" correspondence. You already know this, don't you? And if your ex needs help, let him go to a clergyman or counselor, THAT is the good Christian thing to do.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I believe my husband is just jealous and since this is irrational and me helping my ex-BF is the good Christian thing to do then I am justified. Doesn't anyone see it my way? Are you saying that you are irrational... or your husband? I think if your saying that you are irrational... I can kind of agree. If your trying to say your husband is irrational... that is a delusional statement. Magic, I have to believe that this whole thread is just a joke... because it doesn't take much to realize that what your doing is very wrong. So, if your serious... Why can't you see that?
Malenfant Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 your ex is not your responsibility anymore. its not up to you to look after him and help him. by staying in correspondance you arent helping him, you're tormenting him by keeping him in your life with no chance of getting back together. if you really want to help your ex let him go, stop this connection because he'll never get over you otherwise. I understand that you care about your ex but this situation is unhealthy and not fair on your H or your ex.
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