Breaking up with the love of my life?

[flosskel]

I'll try to keep this from getting too long. Some background info first I guess. I've been dating my girlfriend for 5 years now. She's my high school sweet heart. She's also my best friend. I don't think I know anyone right now who I share more in common with. She's probably one of the few people who get me. I truly do love her.

 

The problem is, I don't feel like I'm love with her anymore. I don't feel like she's my girlfriend; I feel like she's simply my best friend. I don't find her attractive anymore even though she's actually prettier and in better shape than when we started dating. I just don't look at her that way anymore. I actually try to avoid having sex.

 

It's really killing me because I don't know how to tell her this. I know that it will completely devastate her because I mean everything to her. I've felt like this for a while but I haven't told her because I really don't want to hurt her. Like I said, I truly do love her and care for her to the point where I'm staying in this relationship even though I'm becoming more and more miserable each day. It's to the point where it's just making me feel depressed all the time and I feel like now I'm not treating her as good as I used to.

 

This sounds so stupid I know. I'm actually with someone who I get along with and almost never argue with yet I want to end it. I just feel like I'm beginning to poison the relationship because I have these thoughts going through my head. Is this just me? Is this how a long term relationship is supposed to feel like? I don't have much experience relationship wise as the only other one I had lasted for about 8 months when I was 15 and it was horrible. I wonder maybe if I also feel like this because of that. Because I haven't had much experience with relationships and I want to see what else is out there. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to go out and have sex with random women. I don't care for casual relationships like that and actually prefer more meaningful ones. I think maybe I'm just curious if there's something better for me out there.

 

So I can stay with her and get married but always wonder what if? or break up and live with regret for the rest of my living knowing that I messed up something good. I'm so confused. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated.

[brokenrightnow]

break up with her. seriously. you are hurting her.

 

or take a break and see how you feel without her.

 

but don't drag this any longer. if you do, one day you will snap and break up with her without considering any of her feelings and that will KILL her.

 

don't do this to her. let her go.

[adamt]

you have to break up with her ASAP. There is no easy way out unfortunately you are just prolonging things.

 

Believe me, i have been on the other end of being dumped when someone loses interest and it dragged on. Less sex to the point where it had virtually stopped. she was spending less time with me. I thought things were going to return to normal eventually. when we split up my head was messed up, I was devestated but there is no other way out. I was getting sadder and sadder as she was starting to detach from the relationship. she was going to bed/sleep early, not sleeping in and just getting up. it just made me feel sadder but i didnt want to confront things because i was afraid to lose her.

 

You have to be honest and give no false hope and disappear after you break up. If she contacts you then be straight and honest. do not try to be her friend or be there out of sympathy.

 

even now 6 months on i miss the old ex before she lost interest. still dont know where it went wrong. but i have to look forward now.

Edited November 26, 2009 by adamt

[flosskel]

Yea, in some way I've always known that breaking up with her is what I should do. What kills me is that I know we probably won't be able to be friends afterwards which really sucks because we do have a great friendship, I just don't feel for her romantically.

 

God, I don't even know where to begin. How do I do this? I'm 24 and I've never had to end a relationship before.

 

I really appreciate the replies.

[adamt]

There is no perfect/nice/right way to break up with someone. I'm 38 and it never gets any easier being on either end of it. All I would recommend is be straight and honest but not too insensitive. my ex was cold with me and in her eyes I saw no emotion. I knew she meant it was over for good. she said we had nothing incommon, she didnt fancy me anymore. it hurt like hell but i still couldnt hate her. I just wanted cuddle from her. the hard part was i felt i wanted to be with her even more. But looking back i respect her more for being honest and straight with me so there was no false hope. If you care for her you will want what is best for her which will be for her to begin to move on as soon as possible

[flosskel]

There is no perfect/nice/right way to break up with someone. I'm 38 and it never gets any easier being on either end of it. All I would recommend is be straight and honest but not too insensitive. my ex was cold with me and in her eyes I saw no emotion. I knew she meant it was over for good. she said we had nothing incommon, she didnt fancy me anymore. it hurt like hell but i still couldnt hate her. I just wanted cuddle from her. the hard part was i felt i wanted to be with her even more. But looking back i respect her more for being honest and straight with me so there was no false hope. If you care for her you will want what is best for her which will be for her to begin to move on as soon as possible

 

You're right. I know I'm going to be as straight and honest as I can without being harsh. I just don't know how to bring it up or even where. my house, her house, gaaah.

 

I'm also guessing that after having a long relationship like this, and knowing how much in love with me she is, we will probably never be able to be friends again... That really makes me sad. I just hope I'm doing the right thing by breaking up and I don't end up regretting it. At the same thing, I've had these thoughts in my head for a long time and I've tried convincing myself that she's the perfect one for me... but I still feel like I'm in this relationship solely not to hurt her.

[adamt]

my ex came over to my house. i guess you can get up and leave and dont have to worry about the ex doing something stupid on way home.

 

Mine lasted 3 years and a few months earlier she was well into getting a house together. But no way can I be friends with her.

 

Just have to think that breaking up with her now is for the best for her in the long term.

 

I still miss my ex loads and would want nothing better than for her to come back, but I am also glad we split upbefore things got messy like buying a house or getting married

[flosskel]

my ex came over to my house. i guess you can get up and leave and dont have to worry about the ex doing something stupid on way home.

 

Mine lasted 3 years and a few months earlier she was well into getting a house together. But no way can I be friends with her.

 

Just have to think that breaking up with her now is for the best for her in the long term.

 

I still miss my ex loads and would want nothing better than for her to come back, but I am also glad we split upbefore things got messy like buying a house or getting married

 

Yea, my gf talks about our long term plans already. What's made this harder is that I have no one to really to about it with. I can't talk to any of my family because they absolutely love her. But yea, I need to start getting my thoughts together and get ready mentally and emotionally for this.

[Pringles]

Hi,

 

Today I began searching for forums in hopes of finding someone who was feeling remotely the same as me. Within less than an hour....I found you! Ive been in a relationship for 7 years and I recently got engaged. Im having the same issues and questions, although mine is a little more complicated (engagement). I love my fiance and he is my best friend which is great, but there is a giant piece missing which is being romantically interested. We began dating when I was 17 and now I am 24 and at first I was interested in him romantically and was attracted to him, however, over the years this attraction has faded. I have been honest with him and told him about my feelings from time to time, but its been really hard leaving the relationship. Sometimes it seems pointless to leave because I have everything in my relationship that others are striving for. We don't fight, we love each other, and our families love each other. He tells me that he loves me and is attracted to me, but in a way I feel cheated in the relationship for not experiencing those feelings for him. I want to have those feelings!!!!!

 

Sometimes it feels like Im trying to find a perfect movie romance and reality hits me and I begin to think if people in long term relationships consistently feel for each other in the same way. Ive had good months and then Ive had bad months when these feelings have been so strong that they have affected our relationship. I mean, I dont feel like hanging out with him, seeing him, sometimes not talking to him. Ive requested several breaks throughout, and although I miss him as a friend...I dont yearn for him. Its really hard and confusing to be in this situation. I am now on another break, still wearing my engagement ring, and I dont know what to do next.

 

Ive had the same questions as you and Im a little relieved that Im not being silly or immature. I also dont want to be the kind of person that chases that love high either, but i want someone I can have a strong physical connect with. It seems like you might have the same opinion.

 

My advise would be to tell her how you feel. I described this to my fiance as "feelings that come every so often that affect how I feel about you" Ive even said that its not fair to you because you deserve to have someone who truly feels the same for you as you do for them. It seems like you love her and care for her deeply and dont want to hurt her, so just be sincere and true to your heart.

 

sorry for the lenghty post...just needed to share my story

[flosskel]

I know exactly how you feel. I hate that I have this relationship that I know most people would die for but I'm just not into her romantically. This is also what makes it so hard. Everything seems so well, our families get along, my family loves her and her family loves me. They look at us as if we were a married couple already. I've had people tell me I'm so lucky to have such a great relationship and that I should appreciate that fact. It makes me wonder if this is just what happens to people as time goes on? That the "love high" fades? It doesn't seem that way with her though. Even though we've been together 5 years her face lights up every time I see her. People always make comments about how happy she seems when I'm around. She seems so happy just to be around me, even if we're just sitting there doing nothing. I really wish I could feel for her the way she does for me. I really do. But after seeing that she can still be like that after all this time, I know that what I'm feeling is not just the natural progression of a long-term relationship. Why do I have to **** up the one good thing I have? This is really making me hate myself and it's been making me more and more depressed.

 

By the way, how did your fiance react when you told him about your feelings?

 

Hi,

 

Today I began searching for forums in hopes of finding someone who was feeling remotely the same as me. Within less than an hour....I found you! Ive been in a relationship for 7 years and I recently got engaged. Im having the same issues and questions, although mine is a little more complicated (engagement). I love my fiance and he is my best friend which is great, but there is a giant piece missing which is being romantically interested. We began dating when I was 17 and now I am 24 and at first I was interested in him romantically and was attracted to him, however, over the years this attraction has faded. I have been honest with him and told him about my feelings from time to time, but its been really hard leaving the relationship. Sometimes it seems pointless to leave because I have everything in my relationship that others are striving for. We don't fight, we love each other, and our families love each other. He tells me that he loves me and is attracted to me, but in a way I feel cheated in the relationship for not experiencing those feelings for him. I want to have those feelings!!!!!

 

Sometimes it feels like Im trying to find a perfect movie romance and reality hits me and I begin to think if people in long term relationships consistently feel for each other in the same way. Ive had good months and then Ive had bad months when these feelings have been so strong that they have affected our relationship. I mean, I dont feel like hanging out with him, seeing him, sometimes not talking to him. Ive requested several breaks throughout, and although I miss him as a friend...I dont yearn for him. Its really hard and confusing to be in this situation. I am now on another break, still wearing my engagement ring, and I dont know what to do next.

 

Ive had the same questions as you and Im a little relieved that Im not being silly or immature. I also dont want to be the kind of person that chases that love high either, but i want someone I can have a strong physical connect with. It seems like you might have the same opinion.

 

My advise would be to tell her how you feel. I described this to my fiance as "feelings that come every so often that affect how I feel about you" Ive even said that its not fair to you because you deserve to have someone who truly feels the same for you as you do for them. It seems like you love her and care for her deeply and dont want to hurt her, so just be sincere and true to your heart.

 

sorry for the lenghty post...just needed to share my story

[Toki]

Be honest. As said before there is no easy way, falling out of love is contrary to belief a potentially heart rending experience for the person doing the dumping (if not one the hardest goddamn things you'll ever do in your life). Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade, and get on with it.

 

I tell you this because I wasn't honest, and it chills me to the core whenever I think about how utterly cold, and malevolent you become when you start to lie about your circumstances. Your entire psyche changes if you drag it out longer than has to be, no party in association with you leaves unscathed. If you confront her, tell her the truth, tell her exactly what's going on in your mind, yes it'll hurt her, it'll hurt you, but a lot less, and you can walk away with a clean conscience.

 

Been a damn year and half, and I'm still dealing with it...

Edited November 27, 2009 by Toki

[bluestraps]

Be carefull bro, I once felt the same way for my ex girlfriend . I felt very much like a friend and not a lover to her It actualy changed around. after a bout a month. If you see her as a friend thats actualy good because once she turns ugly you cant just look at her physical apprerance anymore.That was some time ago . More recently we started being less affectionate and communicating less and I made some mistakes. And she got close to a mutual friend and she left me Now Im really messed up Heed my warning :: If you leave her you may regret it .You may need to write down al the great qualities she has This will help you determine what you are feeling for her.

[bluestraps]

Probably because you are now getting older you are searching for somthing more mature A high school sweetheart when you are 18 is not the same as when you are 24 -25 . But beware the older you get the more complicated it getts. People start having children and first marriages happen. In many cases love many times fades again. Be sure what your true feelings are . Maybe wait a year. And see if you feel different. Maybe she is not giving you what you need. So its not that you are not attracted but she is not doing anything to attract you .

[flosskel]

This isn't a sudden thing that's just developed. I've been feeling like this for well over a year straight now. Even before that I'd go through patches of time where I felt like this but then it'd go away because I'd evaluate our relationship and I'd feel that there would be no way I would find someone else better than her.

 

This is what has prevented me from going through with this so far. I'm really afraid that some time will pass and I'll realize what a huge mistake I've made. So I'll just wait to see if I can fall in love with her again but this time, it's not happening. I just find myself becoming more distant.

 

As for searching for something more mature, she's probably the most mature girl I know. To be honest, I can't stand most of the women I've met and talked to. I just don't have anything in common with them. My girlfriend and I have a lot of things that we share in common and I just really love her as a friend. I know that if I broke up with her, I'd probably be alone for who knows how long because I'm not exactly the best at meeting new people and I don't find many people that I really like.

 

At the same time, I also wonder if we get along together so well because we've both grown together after all these years. So in a way, it's not that what we have is some super special thing, it's just what happens when two people spend enough time together. I dunno. aaaghhh.

 

One more thing I need some advice on. Sounds a bit silly maybe but I'd really like to ask my mother for advice on this situation. She's always given me great advice and when it comes to relationships, I think she knows a lot. One reason I hesitate is because she absolutely loves my girlfriend. Even then, I still think that she can give me unbiased advice. The real problem, is that I'm afraid to ask her for advice, tell her all about my situation, and then decide not to break up with my girlfriend. I just feel like that might create some sort of awkwardness having her know what I was going through and she'd probably think about that every time she saw me and my gf together. Sooo... should I tell her what I'm going through or no?

Edited November 27, 2009 by flosskel
added stuff

[DenverBachelor]

I'll give you a flip-side perspective. I was in a relationship with a woman. We were best friends for seven years and dated for about a year and a half. We lived together for an entire year. As time went on, her feelings for me changed and during the breakup she said, "I feel like something is missing." She immediately started dating again.

 

I know looking back that I contributed problems to the relationship (which i won't in future ones). However, I do see a common theme from my experience and those of a lot of my friends in other relationships.

 

Psychologist Robert Sternberg came up with, what I believe, is the best theory on love. It is called the "Triangular Theory of Love." He proposes that love has three fundamental elements -- intimacy, passion, commitment. The goal of any healthy relationship is to get to a point where all three elements are present and this is called consummate love.

 

Generally, as two people are together, love progresses from infatuated love (passion only) into either fatuous love (commitment and passion) or Romantic love (passion and Intimacy).

 

Passion is the sexual component to the triangle. That's where the feelings of romance, chemicals, sparks, etc reside.

 

Intimacy is the part of love where you feel like you can share anything with the other person. Your secrets, desires, dreams -- you can open up on any level with them.

 

Commitment is just that -- the bonding between two people where they agree to be a whole and to share experiences exclusively with each other.

 

What I see time and time again is the passion element drop off. The more empty this part becomes, the more it starts chipping away at the intimacy portion. Eventually if things get really bad, the intimacy part will die and you are just left with commitment (empty love).

 

However, what a lot of people seem to fail and realize is that ALL relationships struggle with the passion piece fading. That's because those chemicals in the brain start to level off and new chemicals (oxytocin) replace them. Oxytocin is responsible for a feeling of warmth and bonding between two people -- but it is not necessarily sexual.

 

People become complacent in a relationship and forget that being in a relationship is still, in effect, dating. It isn't as if you can date someone and then you get them and you just stop and think, "hey I got this person. I won. Now it will be easy."

 

Looking back, I wish I could have come home and mixed it up a little. Take her out to surprise dinners, plays, musicals, art musuems, etc. Then go out and get some drinks and come back and play some new sex games. Anything to keep the spontaneous nature of the relationship alive.

 

It's a good thing to note for the future and I will have to be very aware of that. Relationships take a LOT of work and a lot of people forget just how much work they require. There is a lot of maintenance that has to be taken care of that people just neglect.

 

I can't really advise you either way but I'll offer a piece of advice I haven't seen on here yet. Ask yourself why you feel the way you do towards her in the passion respect and ask yourself if the both of you could shake up your relationship and revitalize that part of the triangle. If you feel it really is done then you'll have to break up with her.

 

And I will ask you (since this hits home) ... that if you do break up with her, do it in person, not in public and in an environment where you both feel safe. Be prepared for anything, too. I would not suggest you drink any alcohol (both of you) before starting the conversation. Don't lie to her. Tell her the truth. If you feel a conversation about your relationship is fruitless and wish to go straight into the breakup talk, then just tell her your feelings and reasons for your decision and give her a wide berth. She may flip out or she may say, "phew! I was hoping you'd agree with me." You really don't know until you do it.

 

Oh and for you -- be prepared to really feel pain. My ex said she cried for three days and it affected her work and performance. It was harder for me obviously, but she hurt tremendously.

 

Look around when she's not there and tell yourself she's never coming back before you breakup with her. Focus on your emotions and look inside yourself and do what you feel is right in your heart.

[Bobbe]

Do as DenverBachelor said. It's the best advice. Love is a verb, you have to work for it!

 

It's not uncommon to fall out of love in a long term relationship. How you chose to deal with it makes the difference.

 

I have much more to say but I don't have a lot of time atm, I'm going to write a follow-up post later.

[clingymon]

make sure you are prepared 2 live your life without her!!! the hurt you cause her over breaking up.... and the rejection she feels might kill any chance you ever have 2 get her back if u change your mind...sounds like u r really unsure about all this...make sure u know 100% before u follow thru...she sounds like a great gal and another guy is going 2 snatch her up pretty quick if thats the case...i am just saying the grass isnt always greener on the other side...i will almost bet on it that this is something that you will deeply regret once u go thru with it...so be absolutly certain before u jump off the bridge without a parachute on...when u finally land it might be in soft forgiving water... or it might be on the cold hard unforgiving ground.

[ItsJustLife]

Okay bro, i was just reading your post on my phone and when i read it, i felt so compelled to write to you that i actually got out of my bed and turned my computer on. So hear me out brother.

 

I feel that we've all been brainwashed by movies, books the media etc to believe in this mystical unatainable idea of a relationship. You read and hear all these abstract phrases that have no clear cut definition: love, spark , chemistry etc etc. Don't get me wrong, I believe they do exist, but I DEFINE THEM FOR MYSELF and you should too.

 

My beef with all those concepts is the abstractness, how am I expected to solve a problem if i can't even define the parameters? Think about that

If i asked you to compute the average grade of a class, without defining how many students there were, could you do it? ofcourse not.

If you yourself defined class to be 40 students, then you could find me the average and based on your initial assumption, your answer would be techically correct.

 

I feel life is very much logical, but people fail to live in reality and choose to chase this hyped up fantasy version. I feel the answers are always right infront of your eyes, so forget the fancy terms, lets go with plain old english.

 

1)Do you find her sexy? (what is sexy?): can she turn you on.

2)Do you trust her? (what is trust?): do you feel you can share absolutely anything with her without feeling ashamed or that she would look at you negatively.

3)Do you want to try for her?

4)Is she a good girlfriend? Does she treat you with respect?

5)Can she say the same about you?

 

Life is what you make it to be. If you say your not gonna have fun with her, then there is a good chance your not gonna have fun with her. It's all about your MENTALITY. Clear your mind of undefined words/phrases and ask yourself questions that can be answered...

 

good luck. If shes sexy, shes caring, shes kind, she respects you, shes loyal, shes trust worthy, shes funny...then mate, what more are you looking for?

 

I also couldnt agree more with the comments above me, a relationship takes work, dont expect some magical concept of love to fall from the sky and into your lap and tra la la la, happily every after. You make your own happiness, plan romantic evening, plan a sexy date, make plans.

Edited November 28, 2009 by ItsJustLife

[flosskel]

Okay bro, i was just reading your post on my phone and when i read it, i felt so compelled to write to you that i actually got out of my bed and turned my computer on. So hear me out brother.

 

I feel that we've all been brainwashed by movies, books the media etc to believe in this mystical unatainable idea of a relationship. You read and hear all these abstract phrases that have no clear cut definition: love, spark , chemistry etc etc. Don't get me wrong, I believe they do exist, but I DEFINE THEM FOR MYSELF and you should too.

 

My beef with all those concepts is the abstractness, how am I expected to solve a problem if i can't even define the parameters? Think about that

If i asked you to compute the average grade of a class, without defining how many students there were, could you do it? ofcourse not.

If you yourself defined class to be 40 students, then you could find me the average and based on your initial assumption, your answer would be techically correct.

 

I feel life is very much logical, but people fail to live in reality and choose to chase this hyped up fantasy version. I feel the answers are always right infront of your eyes, so forget the fancy terms, lets go with plain old english.

 

1)Do you find her sexy? (what is sexy?): can she turn you on.

2)Do you trust her? (what is trust?): do you feel you can share absolutely anything with her without feeling ashamed or that she would look at you negatively.

3)Do you want to try for her?

4)Is she a good girlfriend? Does she treat you with respect?

5)Can she say the same about you?

 

Life is what you make it to be. If you say your not gonna have fun with her, then there is a good chance your not gonna have fun with her. It's all about your MENTALITY. Clear your mind of undefined words/phrases and ask yourself questions that can be answered...

 

good luck. If shes sexy, shes caring, shes kind, she respects you, shes loyal, shes trust worthy, shes funny...then mate, what more are you looking for?

 

I also couldnt agree more with the comments above me, a relationship takes work, dont expect some magical concept of love to fall from the sky and into your lap and tra la la la, happily every after. You make your own happiness, plan romantic evening, plan a sexy date, make plans.

 

You're right man, you're absolutely right. I think my problem is that I want to find the absolute perfect person for me, and that's not going to happen. I have the next best thing and I want to screw that up just so I can go out and have reality slap me in the face. I truly am an idiot.

 

I also know that there's another underlying issue here and that's being afraid of commitment. I guess that's normal for most guys for moreso for me because I don't have much experience with women and I guess I'd like to before I commit to one for the rest of my life. Of course, if it means throwing away a great relationship, I don't think it's worth it.

Edited November 29, 2009 by flosskel

[BigTenInchRecord]

Seriously man, it really sounds like your on the fence about this. You don't know how many times people (mostly guys too) dump their significant other because they think the grass is greener on the other side, and after a month or so realize they had everything they ever wanted. It's hard to see how special what you have is while your in it, but having a different perspective on the relationship can make all the difference. Just about every relationship loses the initial spark, and when the freshness of the relationship wears off most people begin to take their SO for granted. Often times relationships just become part of your life, and it gets really easy to not appreciate it. The old saying is true though...you never really know what you have until it's gone. When you have what you want, you no longer want it and just assume it will always be there. When you suddenly lose it and see how much your life changes - sometimes for the worse - you may very well realize how foolish you were, and learn the hard way that life is not a fairy tale. The truth is very few people seem to maintain excitement over the course of a long-term relationship. Odds are the next girl you find will start out great, and eventually begin to fade just like the last. I do think a physical attraction is very important and it's not good when it disappears, however most people's looks will eventually fade, and good relationships survive off of love and commitment, not attraction.

 

Now obviously only you know the feelings your experiencing. If you are truly miserable and do not see yourself with this person, then you should at least express to her your feelings, if not immediately break up. However if your on the fence about it just make sure you really think things through. Perhaps you could tell her your confused and would like to take a month long break from the relationship to evaluate how you feel without her presence in your life? Whatever you do, make sure you feel it's the right thing...a break-up could result in losing the love of your life and best friend, but prolonging a relationship you really want out of will only hurt you and her more in the end. It's never an easy decision, but at least your acknowledging your feelings and reaching out for advice. I wish you best of luck on whatever route you decide to take.