Beebie Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 OK, I may not be thinking clearly right now, but my blood is boiling and tonight I've decided to expose to H the photo's I found on our computer. My full story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t205051/ Today I've had my Solicitor's invoice of monies accrued so far in my divorce case - and it's horrendous. I don't see why I should pay this account as H is the one seeking the divorce, and HE is the one who has had the EMA. H is home tomorrow night and I was going to speak to him about where we go from here. But now, I'm absoutely fuming. HE needs to see the reality of what he's caused and I'm definitely going to confront him about the explicit photo's I've found. I really think he's in denial about the reality of the whole mess he's created. I know it's difficult to give advice on this but I'm biting my knuckles right now and would dearly appreciate some advice on how to tackle it with him tomorrow night. Things have come to a head now and it's time to face the music! Help and advice please, PLEASE!
JaneDoe35 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Hello Beebie - I think you are doing the right thing even though it will be difficult..... I know that I do not regret searching for evidence and eventually exposing my husband. I know what you are doing is a little different but it is important that it is done. If I were you, I would firstly ensure that I looked a million dollars (as that would give me more confidence) when he arrives home. I would have already laid out all the photo's on dining/coffee table and then I would just be going about my normal business, depending on time of day - glass of wine in one hand, maybe on the phone to a good friend pretending to have a laugh. I would then just wait till he sees the photo's. Because of my own experience I would recommend that you do not ask him too many questions as we all know he will just lie. Just see what he has to say - if anything. Good luck....
Gunny376 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 The reason most marriages end is because both parties simply did not have enough 'relationship' experience in the beginning to make it work. This is especially true for men. As a general rule women are about ten years more emotionally and 'relationship' mature than men. Which ideally is why men should (once they get past the age of 25 to 40) should seek out relationships with women that are about ten year or so younger than they. Not because they're young, thin and perky? But because emotionally and relationship wise? They're more or less on the same level. What goes hand in hand with this? Personal finance. Too many couples get together without having the fundamental financial foundation to make a relationship work. The following is particularly applicable to the UK. It use to be that a man has to ask a woman's father for her hand in marriage. And before doing so he had to finish both his formal and informal education. Then he had to learn a "trade" as a apprentice, (unless he was smart enough and had enough money to continue his education into one of the more professional occupations). Still this wasn't enough he had to become a master of his 'trade' which generally speaking took a minimum of five to ten years, (which by the way he was around age 28) Then he had to prove to the father that he earned enough to support a wife and family. Mind you this was back before the socialist check and balances that are in effect today. Back then, should a divorce occur the husband got everything, (including the custody of the children) by automatic default. Should the wife keep the children? She had no where to go except back to her family (as is still true today. The reason the man had to ask the Father's for her hand in marriage? Was to ensure that he could support a wife and children ~ for if not? Then she was coming back home and bringing more mouths for him to feed and cloth. So much for the history lesson. The single greatest cause of divorce is finances, (And for those that say otherwise ~ I'm not going to get into a 'firefight" with you about) Suffice to say that finances are a Hugh part of problems between men and women in marriage. To the OP a lot of what your dealing with is the stress the DH has to deal with from a financial perspective. His 'business' if failing, he's loathing himself and therefore wants you to loath him. His self confidence is in the toilet, along with his self respect. He feeling as though he's failed you and the family. A lot of what a man feels about himself is tied to what he does for a living and how well he provides for his family. He may go outside of the relationship and seek the comfort of another ~ just to relieve himself of the guilt momentarily of the perceived failure that he sees himself as. While he's hiding the truth of the situation from you, he's lying to himself and to the OW about the 'big success' that he is. He becomes irrational telling himself that the next one is going to be the big one. Then he stakes everything on the next big business contract. Your DH is a drowning man grasping for straws. Your financial situation is worse than you know. Forget the picture you found ~ you need to be looking at where your at financially. Your probably in much more jeopardy than you realize. Rather than worrying yourself about who he's scroggin' you need to be worrying about keeping a roof over you and your children's head and food in your mouth. IMHO he's running a ponzi scheme on you and the family ~ he knows that its a house of cards, ~ and that its about to come tumbling down. There may even be criminal charges. You need to take action now to protect you and the children ~ NOW! (BTW in case you don't know what a Ponzi Scheme is? Its where you take in money from customers ~ but don't, can't, or won't pay your creditors) Sorry if I caused any pain ~ but theres much more afoot here than simply ILYBNILWY! As his spouse? Under English law? You could be liable for things he's done without your knowledge. (By virtue of having held and used joint banking accounts for example) Therefore I would strongly recommend you not confront him just yet, until you and your lawyer have had a chance to go over the financials of the marriage for at least the last six to twelve months ~ (better yet when the marriage took a turn for the worse)
Gunny376 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Hello Beebie - I think you are doing the right thing even though it will be difficult..... I know that I do not regret searching for evidence and eventually exposing my husband. I know what you are doing is a little different but it is important that it is done. If I were you, I would firstly ensure that I looked a million dollars (as that would give me more confidence) when he arrives home. I would have already laid out all the photo's on dining/coffee table and then I would just be going about my normal business, depending on time of day - glass of wine in one hand, maybe on the phone to a good friend pretending to have a laugh. I would then just wait till he sees the photo's. Because of my own experience I would recommend that you do not ask him too many questions as we all know he will just lie. Just see what he has to say - if anything. Good luck.... Nooooooooo! Follow the money trail first! Not the emotional trail! The emotional trail is a full scale frontal assualt, which should never be undertaken until you flanks and rear are secure.
Author Beebie Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 To the OP a lot of what your dealing with is the stress the DH has to deal with from a financial perspective. His 'business' if failing, he's loathing himself and therefore wants you to loath him. His self confidence is in the toilet, along with his self respect. He feeling as though he's failed you and the family. A lot of what a man feels about himself is tied to what he does for a living and how well he provides for his family. He may go outside of the relationship and seek the comfort of another ~ just to relieve himself of the guilt momentarily of the perceived failure that he sees himself as. While he's hiding the truth of the situation from you, he's lying to himself and to the OW about the 'big success' that he is. He becomes irrational telling himself that the next one is going to be the big one. Gunny - I think you may well be very close to the truth here. It's either that or he REALLY DOES NOT want to be married to me anymore. I can't work out which it is because he just won't communicate properly (although I've had the INILWY and he's adamant he wants a divorce). If it is as you say Gunny, what can I do? I just can't reach him at all - he won't let me. He has this stiff upper lip attitude and he won't be honest with me. If we could just sit down and talk openly and HONESTLY, we might get somewhere. But he's GOT to start taking responsibility for the mess he's created in our marriage (he's treating me like a pushover at the moment). I'm still undecided what to do about the photo's. I must admit I got cold feet this morning because I'm scared of making things worse. I'll see how the first part of the meeting goes and if it gets nasty, then he's having them - FULL THROTTLE. And yes, Jane, I shall look a million dollars tonight. Now, what shall I wear to the crisis?
JaneDoe35 Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Hello Beebie - what was the outcome of the meeting?
Author Beebie Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 Hi Jane Well, the meeting is sort of still going on so it's difficult to judge. He came home very late on Thursday night. I'm not suspicious about this because he does work a long way from home on Thursdays. We only talked for about 20 minutes but we covered some issues that he sees a problem with. I talked about how we could work to resolve these issues. He looked tired after a long drive so I decided to leave it and carry on with the meeting on Friday. We talked for much longer on Friday. It's probably the most we've said to each other in 3 months and it felt good to be communicating again. We even had a laugh once or twice. It's hard to say if I'm reaching him inside or if it's all going to amount to nothing. I do think I might have made a little progress and I think it's got HIM thinking. He's got to want it though and I need to see some real evidence that he does, otherwise we haven't a chance. I didn't show him the photo's. It just didn't feel the right thing to do whilst I was trying to make progress. These photo's are 6 years old and I can deal with this later. We can't talk again until Tuesday (probably) so it'll give us a few days breathing space. I've no intention of these talks going on for too long though. If, after 2 weeks or so, I feel he's shown no real inclination to make our marriage work, then it's full steam ahead with the divorce. At the very least I'll know I tried my hardest to save my marriage and, for me, this will be absolutely critical in helping the recovery process.
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