... broken heart ... mixed signals ... ?

[thatguy90]

Well I will try to keep this short,

 

I was dating my ex-girlfriend under 1.5 years, everything was going very well we had plans for the future and everything. We talked about where we would want to live and move in together and basically all the stuff a regular couple does when they are madly in love with each other.

 

She wanted her old best friend (which is a guy), who had liked her for sometime, but told her that he had no feelings for he and everything, back in her life. I told her that its up to her, it's her friend not my friend, just make me a promise that you will never let things get out of hand between the two of you, and she did say yes to that promise. She also added that she will never ever consider to date this guy. I believed her, and didn't honestly care for the guy as long as it didn't effect our relationship.

 

Then about 3-4 months ago ... I went through a tough period in my life, I had family issue, some of my family went in to the hospital and I couldn't deal with the stress of that plus school and working about 20-25 hours a week. So i leaned on my girl friend for support, she did give me some, but she was very busy and we barely saw each other, due to we go to different school's and stuff. But I had become very sad, and well I found it hard to be happy in front of her, since so much was going on in my life, and the fact that she was not willing to do stuff which she use to do, like busing home together, having s*x as much (as odd as it sounds sex usually helps with realizing stress.), also she didn't have voice convo's with me anymore and didn't tease me as much.

 

That is just the tip of the ice berg, her old best friend, became her best friend again, and well I didn't feel comfortable about that, and i told her this and well she didn't do much, she said that she can't choose between me or him, and I was like, ok its ok, i will just get use to it. But he went out and bought her stuff, which usually i would buy her as a gift so she would feel special and stuff, and they tend to bus home together alot, and he go out of his way to stay with her and stuff, I told her that yes they might be friends but i think he is putting moves on you and well ... she didn't listen, so i became sadder and sadder because i felt like i was losing my girlfriend and that she was doing nothing at all to try and stay in the relationship. Everytime i wanted to bus home with her alone ... he would be there and i was like can we get off please and catch another bus so we can have time alone together, and she was like "no ... I need to get home I have way to much school work to do" ... latter that night i would sign on MSN and say hey, do you want a video convo, she would say "sorry I am already having one" (With her best friend who is playing the piano for her).

 

I will say this here, when this guy was just friends and they didn't talk as much, the relationship was fine, actually it was perfect, couldn't have been any better.

 

Anyways ... I started to smother her (I didn't realize this at first) ... but i did it anyways and well caused her to want out of the relationship, this was after about a month and a half of being sad. I would text her each morning and stuff and different stuff. But it was just my way of trying to get her attention back, i think the best thing i could have done was not pay attention to her and just make her realize what she is doing.

 

So then the relationship ended, with her saying she doesn't want a boy friend for a while (like a year or two just to be single and just enjoy the single life). That she still wants to be friends because she does care a lot about me and stuff.

 

So a few weeks go by, we would have the odd convo and bump into each other and talk, nothing major. Then I found out, she started either liking or loving she keeps switching words, her old best friend, and well i was not happy with her because well ... she promised that nothing would ever come between them. But after a week or so I sent her an email saying I am sorry, I can't control who you like/love, i am sorry for reacting like that.

 

Then latter that week, she sends me an email asking if we would like to talk to each other, I said well I have a bit of free time so ok. I went and talked to her, and well she started saying sorry I just don't know what came over me that I started to like him, I don't understand how he can do that to me and make me like him again. And well I got mad stood up and began to leave and she grabbed me back and sat me right back down. She said that he does not like me back, and he doesn't want it between them. She then turned to me and said something I didn't expect her to say, "You are the perfect guy for me, well before you had become very sad and had to deal with all that stress back then. I can still see us together in the future, with everything we wanted. But right now I want to experience life a bit, and do different stuff with out a serious relationship, but once I grow up, you are perfect for me." This put me into shock ... Complete and utter shock ... I didn't know what to say to her, I try to continue to talk to her, but it raddled me, and my thoughts became so scrabbled. Its been a little bit from then and we talked like we use to a few times, and well she asked me to go do something with her latter this week, I checked my schedule and said sure. We have not gone to the thing yet, but I will go and see how everything ends up, I will try to keep my emotion's under control.

 

I just worry that when I was sad, I might have acted like I wanted out of the relationship, I did one time ... and I do regret me saying this ... i said i had a hard time trusting her with her best friend. I just worry that some of my actions might have made her feel like I was not interested in her, and that I was just trying to control her and bring her down. Which I was not, I was just acting out of fear and being stressed to the max and dealing with a ton of emotions.

 

I just don't know what I can do. And what she is doing...please comment on what you think of this.

Edited November 25, 2009 by thatguy90

[Miko]

Good god that was long! You tricked me! No wonder you don't have any replies.

 

Anyway, I'm assuming that you're no older than your early twenties so if I'm wrong say so. Young girls I believe find it especially difficult to deal with a boyfriend that's in a 'funk' for a long period of time. You're the man, she probably was surprised when you got so sad for so long. Remember, she started dating you because you were fun to be around and she enjoyed herself with you. Now, after ONLY a year and a half, which isn't really that long, she may have been wondering what the heck was going on. She understands i'm sure that you were going through tough times but she wants to see you fight through it and not let it get you down, for long at least. If you get back together eventually and it happens again you may end up with the same problem. Sounds like you had a bout of depression. If you don't do something to either prevent it or nip it in the bud next time you'll end up in the same boat. And it's not unique to this girl either.

 

As far as the other guy is concerned, if I were dating her seriously i would, at this point, definitely not be ok with them hanging out really unless he's married or something and the 4 of you hang out all the time but that's unlikely. It was nice of you trying not to be jealous but a little jealousy can show a woman that you really care about her. Then again if you overdo it you'll look insecure which may be even worse. Delicate balance.

 

I don't know about that whole having her promise not to fall in love with him thing either. You just turned 'just another guy friend' into the ultimate 'forbidden fruit' and gave him, in her eyes, more credit than he's probably worth.

 

Keep your $hit together man, do your best not to get into that kind of funk and if you do figure a way out fast. No one wants to be with someone who's depressed for a long period of time. It happens to everyone but you should be able to shake it in a reasonably short period of time.

 

It's interesting what she said to you. I think that's pretty rare. While it may be ok that she wants to be 'free' for a while and all that, most likely some other guy will snatch her up eventually. You should let her be COMPLETELY free for a while but if you want her back you better not wait a year or something ridiculous like that, she could be friggin married by then. Most people have this phase at one time or another and it's hell on relationships and very difficult to navigate.

 

Leave her alone completely for a while then try to work your way back in somewhat naturally like just call her out of the blue for something random and stupid, have a good laugh and go from there. Don't wait forever, just long enough so that the grass no longer looks greener on her side.

 

Oh yeah, have your own life and enjoy yourself without her for a while too. Get another girlfriend while she's gone, even if it's not serious.

 

Whew...now THAT was long!

[thatguy90]

Sorry I had alot to say so people would understand what I was going thought, I could have made it longer

 

Yes you guessed right on the age, I know, I am out of the funk right now, well I am getting there. I will try my best to make sure that it won't happen again, I have been training myself right now to deal with stresses differently I have gone to the gym, listening to happy go music, and different stuff like that. I know she won't hold it against me, if she truly loves me, and that if we are meant to be. I have moved on from the past, and I understand why everything happened the way they did.

 

I know I overloaded my jealousy which caused her to think she was causing me pain, but really I should have been happy knowing that I had her. I have lost her now, I realize what I have lost a great girl. I will keep my **it together from now on . I also understand that she wants to be "free" to do different things, but even then I know it was because of me, she was fine with just me and just knowing that she still(well assuming that she has not changed in about 3.5 weeks since she told me that) she thinks that I am the perfect guy, and that once I get back to normal she would want to spend her life with me. I will just keep my distance from her, for now, yes I won't wait that long, a year is way to long to go with out talking to someone. I will keep in contact with her and see how things go.

 

Anyways thanks for the advice

[thatguy90]

Hi Miko,

 

Thank you for your post, I have stopped talking to her, I am in my exam week and well it is easier not to talk to her during this time.

 

Yes I understand that I was in a funk, and still kinda am in a funk like its not that the same funk, but like missing her, and wanting to make things better, but I tired to make things better by saying I am sorry, but she told me to stop going over and over what went wrong in our relationship together, to stop putting myself through everything. To let her go, to stop loving her she said she caused me my pain and everything I want to tell her now that she has not caused me any pain, on the contrary I was causing my own pain, by believing something which was not true and not appreciating what I had, which was her, yes it felt like my life was falling apart but you tired to stay by my side but I pushed you away. The only pain she has caused me was my heart being broken when she left me, but even then I should have expected it, from what you have said, its true girls don't stay by your side when you are sad/stressed. I have found different ways to nip it in the bud stage.

 

She does like another guy, the guy which i told you i had become really jealous about. It happened like you said it would.

 

I know I can't say that now, but where do I go from here? with her I have no clue what to do.

 

Like and the last time we talked which was 5 days ago, she said "im sorry I have not been trying to bother you..." that is how we started our convo. why did she say that? Then we talked about different things, like different experiences in the past where I was with her and hanging around with her. We were just joking around like we use to when we didn't date, and when we dated.

[Miko]

At this point the first thing to do would be to STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. In my opinion, that's one of the worst things to do. It reminds her that you did have problems which prevents her(and you) from getting back to just plain enjoying each others company. Having painful conversations with her will only help her to associate pain with you and you with pain. Pain is not what we look for in a bf/gf so that'll get you nowhere. Personally I think the two of you don't really have anything to "figure out" together. Relationships are not based on logic so trying to apply too much logic to an emotionally based scenario is useless.

 

You need to keep yourself steady, energetic and fun. The whole source of your troubles with her is that you let your period of sadness get out of hand and infiltrate her life more than she was able to handle, which young girls I think have a low tolerance for to begin with. Keep at the gym, it'll make you feel better(scientifically proven) and if you don't feel better then go to the gym more. Take care of yourself, dress so you feel good about yourself. Don't smother her and when you DO talk, just have fun and do NOT talk about what happened between the two of you if you can avoid it. Also, don't SAY you don't want to talk about it, just DON'T talk about it unless you're forced to and if you are get off the topic quickly and as naturally as possible.

 

I had, when I was your age, a gf of a year and a half, we broke up, tried to talk about it, only drove us apart. We spent a summer apart, i got over her(mostly), we ended up hanging out amongst our mutual friends one night, she looked at me a certain way, I grabbed her, took her outside and kissed her and that was that. It worked because I had accepted being without her and was no longer willing to let it keep me down so I was happy and who doesn't want to be with a happy person? It WAS however weird after that and we only made it 6 months but that was because some other issues came up unrelated to the original situation.

[thatguy90]

Well I have stopped talking to her about the relationship, when we talk we talk about either good times, or making jokes and have fun. I understand that now, I have stopped using logic towards it, at first I was applying logic to the relationship the final two weeks of it and 3 weeks after it ended. We don't have anything really to figure out, honestly for where I sit, we were good and everything, had good communication, it just as you said I gotten stuck in that emotional problem.

 

I have been feeling a lot better about myself, I have been making jokes like I use to, and having fun with who ever i meat and making new friends just like i use to. Yes I understand that, I have come to the realization about a week ago that I can't talk to her about the relationship anymore, she has moved on for say. I am going to try and not smother her when we talk I will keep a good pace and equal.

 

when you says mostly, you still missed her? See I am at the part where I don't want it to keep me down, I have generally accepted being without her. That is very true, it will take me some more time to keep moving along, but as most people have said I seem like a happier person, and I have generally stopped talking about it to my friends.

 

How was it weird after that?

[Miko]

I think it was weird because I was scared ****less to lose her again and there was this vibe that 'i got her back' and she was 'mine to not lose'. There was this air or this feeling that I was the 'lucky one' and that screws everything up too. It was quite strange I remember.

 

Also her best friend was a mental case and had a ****ty off and on relationship with her bf(who was my friend) and every time they were up, we were up and every time they were down I couldn't see my god damn GF b/c she had to tend to her friends broken heart 24/7 so she didn't jump off a f*ing bridge or something.

 

You see how much it f***s up relationships when people get too down in the dumps for too long?

 

Anyway bud, don't make my mistakes. Stay up, keep control of yourself and don't let anything she or any other woman says 'shake you' b/c you can't afford to be shaken all the time. And keep working out, forever! It works in more ways than one.

[thatguy90]

Thanks Miko, your story has helped me, it has shown me different things and helped me understand my life lesson from my break up with my ex-gf. I will try my best to be a strong individual and improve myself. It shows me what living in the past can do ... and what you can lose from being in the past.

 

I have to say thanks for the advice, it has helped me a lot, and calms me to know that at least some one has gone through basically the same experience as me.