Gabriele Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 So 3 months after d-day for me.....I experience the 'trickle truths' that I have heard mentioned here so many times.......such a crusher. So my H with tears in his eyes......so sincere, told me.....I actually made him swear on our children's life, that I knew everything. Last night I learned that he lied about details that I had specifically asked about, specific instances. I don't know how to feel right now. I am blow away once again. This is a man I did not think was capable of hurting me in this way. I did not think he was capable of lying to me like this. He was actually mad at me for not believing him, and not just starting to heal. I am sure you are all not shocked. I am just so dumbfounded. I still can't believe that this has come into my life. I want my marriage, my husband, I want the marriage and husband I thought I had.
Owl Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 What consequence has he truly suffered for his continued lies? What true motivation has he been given to be honest and stop lying? Or has he just HEARD you say that you needed the truth, but not had anything truly happen to make him WANT to stop lying?
RedDevil66 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 He felt he told you the whole truth my just admitting, but we need details and never let up until we get them all. Of course the cheater will lie, They don't want to feel more scummy than they already do and they don't want to keep hurting their loved one. You need to get into some therapy to work on this, with or without him. The pain and mistrust will kill you...................slowly!
allhopelost Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 So 3 months after d-day for me.....I experience the 'trickle truths' that I have heard mentioned here so many times.......such a crusher. So my H with tears in his eyes......so sincere, told me.....I actually made him swear on our children's life, that I knew everything. Last night I learned that he lied about details that I had specifically asked about, specific instances. I don't know how to feel right now. I am blow away once again. This is a man I did not think was capable of hurting me in this way. I did not think he was capable of lying to me like this. He was actually mad at me for not believing him, and not just starting to heal. I am sure you are all not shocked. I am just so dumbfounded. I still can't believe that this has come into my life. I want my marriage, my husband, I want the marriage and husband I thought I had. My WW believes she has honestly told me everything, and I know there are more details that I will discover going forward, however I am choosing to believe that any omissions by her or half truths told are not done with any animosity or deliberation, because if her head is spinning half the rate of mine and her thought processes are as half as sporadic as mine, I feel I cannot blame her for these misgivings. There is already enough hurt and blame around our house to last 10 lifetimes...Hang in there...It is a rough road we are on, but unfortunately one well travelled...
FreezorBurn Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 (edited) 4 or 5 month after day. I need help I have not heard any trickle truths! could it be she HAS TOLD ME THE TRUTH ABOUT EVERYTHING? I push and push and then she crys and I stop, maybe I am not asking the right questions? ALLHOPELOST : I'm with ya (wish i wasn't) Your situation sounds exactly like mine. Edited November 25, 2009 by FreezorBurn
eeyore1981 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Gabriele, I'm sorry. If you can, I suggest you get some kind of professional help. I wish I had pushed harder for it. I'm over 2 years out, and still wondering what else he hasn't told me. I've been kicked in the stomach so many times over this same affair for the last 2+ years I lost count a long time ago. I have to go so far for therapy, but I'm calling someone, somewhere, and trying to make an appointment. Don't let this go on and on, it is so not worth it.
TerryW Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 My MC thinks that I have the gist of things. The lies about the big stuff are out but thinks that his lies that he made up doing damage control are still out there. The lies that he told on the fly that he can't even remember. I asked her if I had to go back and reask the questions again. She said that if I want it all I did. Maybe 20 or so of the things that I REALLY want to know. I haven't yet. Not sure if I will.
Spark1111 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I am truly of the opinion that they do not remember all the facts, and the one's they do remember are so skewed emotionally as to be somewhat unbelievable, and unreliable. I know, I know. It sets the recovery clock right back to zero. I do not think this is intentional. I really do believe that many WS are confused, ashamed, and not aware of their reality at the time of the affair. If you are truly falling in love with another person, you remember every detail. If not, then even THEY begin to question their own recollections at that time. Was it real, or did I just choose to SEE it / her him in this way???? They remember the way the AP made them feel about themselves, but the why of it can take years in IC. Plus, they live in fear of the BS reactions; fear, pain, rage to every new tidbit. As conflict avoiders to begin with, they are often at a characteristic loss to explain the unexplainable. If they love us and want to reconcile, they also live in fear that we may leave them, which would change their lives forever. And for what? Something they cannot even remember with any true, rational clarity. It's soooooo frustrating to say the least.
WalkInThePark Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I I do not think this is intentional. I really do believe that many WS are confused, ashamed, and not aware of their reality at the time of the affair. If you are truly falling in love with another person, you remember every detail. If not, then even THEY begin to question their own recollections at that time. Was it real, or did I just choose to SEE it / her him in this way???? They remember the way the AP made them feel about themselves, but the why of it can take years in IC. Oh come on, are you saying that they all of a sudden suffer from Alzheimer only to be cured miraculously the moment they decide to work on their M? I think you are just trying to convince yourself that your H was never truly in love with his AP. Maybe he wasn't but there are enough married people who do fall in love with the AP. This not telling the truth or not all the truth at once is just because people lack the courage to tell the story as it really was. And they make the wrong assumption that if they don't tell anything at all or not everything, it will hurt less. Which is stupid because the spouse would most probably prefer to hear the complete truth right away because the lies hurt the most.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 after dday i told my husband everything. every detail i could think of. he hasnt asked a TON of questions, but when he does i answer honestly. it would be hard to think that i maybe havent missed something somewhere, but if i did it certainly wasnt intentional. what might be a big detail to him might be trivial to me and maybe i didnt think to tell him that. it also is a bit different with men vs women. men dont seem to obsess like women. my xmm has not told her near the truth. hes on his 4th or 5th version of the truth and every time he tells her its all. in his opinion she knows the big picture, the details done matter. last we spoke about this a few months ago she was still going over and over the details, asking questions, not really believing it. he said shes had trouble moving on. well i wonder why??? he never has any intentions of telling the truth, he says she'll leave if she knows it all. i wouldnt have gone this route, but hey whatever works for him i guess. point here is that these are two different takes on coming clean and how it has resulted. maybe you can look at this and think about why you maybe having a hard time accepting things and why the trickle truths keep coming.
Spark1111 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Oh come on, are you saying that they all of a sudden suffer from Alzheimer only to be cured miraculously the moment they decide to work on their M? I think you are just trying to convince yourself that your H was never truly in love with his AP. Maybe he wasn't but there are enough married people who do fall in love with the AP. This not telling the truth or not all the truth at once is just because people lack the courage to tell the story as it really was. And they make the wrong assumption that if they don't tell anything at all or not everything, it will hurt less. Which is stupid because the spouse would most probably prefer to hear the complete truth right away because the lies hurt the most. Walkinthepark, I couldn't agree with your more! They start lying to themselves, minimizing the marriage, to give themselves permission to enter the affair! Then, they start lying about the affair, to re-enter the marraige, if that's what they choose to do, and the BS is also willing to R. Of course they lack courage! And throw in confusion, and bursting the affair fog, and wondering who they did love, and why they hurt the people they hurt, and why they made the choices they made? And the lies do hurt most of all! More than anything! I mean, not only is the BS a mess, but then so is the WS, and the OW/OM too! We would have no need to post here at LS, if it weren't so.
eeyore1981 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Walkinthepark, I couldn't agree with your more! They start lying to themselves, minimizing the marriage, to give themselves permission to enter the affair! Then, they start lying about the affair, to re-enter the marraige, if that's what they choose to do, and the BS is also willing to R. Of course they lack courage! And throw in confusion, and bursting the affair fog, and wondering who they did love, and why they hurt the people they hurt, and why they made the choices they made? And the lies do hurt most of all! More than anything! I mean, not only is the BS a mess, but then so is the WS, and the OW/OM too! We would have no need to post here at LS, if it weren't so. BBM This is so true. I feel so defeated right now. Thinking about how things could be compared to how they are, it is so hard to take.
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