allhopelost Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Almost two months after DD my WW of 19 years is unable/unwilling to kiss me. A little history: Her affair started in July and ended 10/05/2009 5:00 am when I confronted her and she confessed. Strict NC has been maintained since 10/14 when she received a note from him which she threw away and didn't share with me. Unbelievable pain/anger/rage etc. felt by both of us (roller coaster) and been in MC and IC weekly since 10/09. I believe her to be genuinely remorseful and 100% transparent. She has professed her love for me through not only her words, but increased touching, caring, full blown HB, unending sincere apologies, etc. Here is my dilemma: She doesn't want to/can't kiss me passionately. Also, if I am attempting to show my love for her by gently kissing her face, hair, ears, etc. while holding her at night, she will say things like "I've got to call my mother tomorrow night" or other things that are no way related to my showing her affections. It is like her mind is wandering and she is just not "into" me. As part of her confession, the favorite part of her PA with the OM was the attention she received and the kissing. I feel like she is protecting this part of the affair and holding onto it. I have asked her if it was me and she claims it is not. She also claims she doesn't think of OM unless I bring it up. To be fair, we haven't really passionately kissed in over 15 years, but I find I need to try and give this to her since it was apparently so important/enjoyable for her with OM. Suggestions/comments please!!
Minnie09 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Oh my, that's a tough one. Kissing expresses a lot, and you can't just fake it like you can fake emotions during sex. She must not like kissing you (anymore). How was that before the A? Maybe she doesn't like the WAY you kiss. Maybe you expect too much already in the beggining of your/her healing process. She is still digesting her past, probably feeling insecure and embarassed. Do you have sex? We only kiss passionately during sex, btw.
Samantha0905 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Here is my dilemma: She doesn't want to/can't kiss me passionately. Also, if I am attempting to show my love for her by gently kissing her face, hair, ears, etc. while holding her at night, she will say things like "I've got to call my mother tomorrow night" or other things that are no way related to my showing her affections. It is like her mind is wandering and she is just not "into" me. As part of her confession, the favorite part of her PA with the OM was the attention she received and the kissing. I feel like she is protecting this part of the affair and holding onto it. I have asked her if it was me and she claims it is not. She also claims she doesn't think of OM unless I bring it up. To be fair, we haven't really passionately kissed in over 15 years, but I find I need to try and give this to her since it was apparently so important/enjoyable for her with OM. Suggestions/comments please!! Why haven't you kissed passionately in over 15 years? Just asking. I'm in the same boat and where is the passion supposedly going to erupt from if you guys have been together that long not kissing passionately? If you find out the answer, please share it with me. You may be correct in what she's psychologically protecting. I doubt she has just stamped this ex-AP completely from her thoughts. I'm not saying she still wants to be with him, but if you two have not been passionate with each other and she enjoyed that with her ex-AP, he filled a huge void for her and if you are both still not being passionate with one another -- believe me -- the void is still there. I'm in the same boat and don't have a clue as to how to make things "passionate."
Author allhopelost Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 Oh my, that's a tough one. Kissing expresses a lot, and you can't just fake it like you can fake emotions during sex. She must not like kissing you (anymore). How was that before the A? Maybe she doesn't like the WAY you kiss. Maybe you expect too much already in the beggining of your/her healing process. She is still digesting her past, probably feeling insecure and embarassed. Do you have sex? We only kiss passionately during sex, btw. We do have sex, 5-6 time a week (guessing HB). Pre A it was 1-2 times a month. I am not denying that we emotionally disconnected at some point pre A, sex was never that important to me. I am more the cuddle type. I honestly do not know what the catalyst was for the cessation of passionate kissing, but I know she would/could do it occasionally when I initiated pre A. I am afraid that I may just be expecting too much too soon...
VENUS1 Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Try this . . . each time you kiss, make it last at least 30 seconds. A peck hello or goodbye doesn't count. I will seem funny at first and you may giggle to kiss and count to 30. But its worth a try.
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