need to vent...I am broken.

[brokenrightnow]

well. it has been a month since we broke up. i miss him terribly, it hurts. I know he isnt right for me. I know it, but how do I tell my heart that? I wish things could work. But I am exhausted of fighting. So tired. I can't see past my tears anymore. I want to run to him, hide under a rock with him and close my eyes, just feel his breathing...his heart beat.

 

his scent wakes me up in the middle of the night, but he is not there. I feel like I have a hole in the middle of my chest. It is unexplainable. I walk like a zombie. Everything reminds me of him.

 

I hear his laugh at random times. I am pretending every single day that I am fine, but at the end of day I fall apart.

 

I can't control it. I stare at my phone till I finally able to fall asleepl I pray he thinks of me. He says he loves me, but why isn't he fighting?

 

I am tired. I am broken.

[nobmagnet]

oh you poor thing. my heart goes out to you. I dont think there is much I can say to comfort you right now as you are in such a bad place but please keep talking and you are not ranting. I send you a massive hug x

[brokenrightnow]

I am staring at space. I force myself to eat. To think of other things, but all those thoughts, one way or another all lead to him.

 

I want to call him and hear his voice. i call my voicemail and replay messages from him.

 

I blocked him from Facebook, I don't want to know anything about him. I also had my friends delete him. I don't want them to ever tell me anything about him. I want to block his family too, but I don't want them to think I am a bitch. If only I could explain, but I don't want to speak to them about the pain or him. I just want this all to end quietly.

 

today on my way home, I saw his car infront of me. My heart stopped, I almost threw up - it wasn't him, just a car like his. but that pain, for that instant second was like pulling a wound open with your bear hands.

 

The pain starts in my chest, then I feel the tears coming, then the loneliness - then ..nothing..numbness

 

Why do we go through this? Who created this? I want to rip this off me.

 

 

night after night my nightmares keep recreating the words he used to let me go, two times a night at times.

 

I don't even know what is better anymore- to be awake or asleep?

[EskimoPassingBy]

I know I'm not someone to give an advice but I know what you're going through. I know this may sound weird but try talking to people you are close to. However old you are, don't try to hold everything inside you. Even your mum or dad are people you can talk to. I find that every time I feel the same way you do, I say it rather than holding it in. On the day of break up, my mum came in my room and ask what went on. She hugged me and I just started crying uncontrollably. And after that, things don't seem that bad anymore. Don't hold it in.

 

(Abit embarassing saying this as a guy)

[brokenrightnow]

the nightmares continued last night. I was the passenger as my girlfrined was driving down the freeway, we saw his car driving infront of us. we sped up, he saw me, and I saw him too, he had another woman in the passenger seat. I can recall her vividly- red tank top, black hair up in a bun, milky colored-skin. Don't know who this person is. But it hurt seeing her there, taking my place.

 

My heart stopped, I cried and woke up. It was 3am. Still crying, i reached out to my phone, hoping for something. Got nothing.

 

I laid there in bed, looking at space with tears in my eyes. Where is this pain coming from? I ask myself. I am trying, every day, but nights hit me so hard.

 

As if the night was punishing me for all the hard work I put in during the day.

[Kaya]

Hang in there broken, it's always darkest before dawn.

 

Maybe you could do a few things to bring you comfort at night. Sounds silly, but I find soaking in a bubble bath with candles really comforting. Read something uplifting, take your mind off of your ex. Leave your phone in another room. Try putting on some soft soothing music when you go to sleep to help you relax. Take deep breathes and wrap yourself up in a warm caccoon.

 

Be kind to yourself, comfort and love yourself. Remember that it will get easier. Just focus on the simple things for now.

 

I'm sending you sunshine and happy thoughts.

[brokenrightnow]

Im falling apart right now. I Want to break nc. Just this one time. Wish him well. My heart and mind are in this war with eachother.

 

It hurts.I want to break this damn. Throw it to the wall and break it!! I keep looking at it. I walk around the house with it. Waiting. Waiting.

 

I want to run to him. Get in the car and go to him and tell him not to do this anymore. All I did was love him.

 

I held his hand when no one else would.

[EskimoPassingBy]

Breaking NC will make you hurt all over again. Don't do the mistake I did.

[amtz]

I can only imagine what you are feeling right now!! I felt exactly as you did a month ago.. On the 2nd day of my brake-up I remember I went to Walmart with my Mom and tears wouldn't seas at all, in fact people would look at me weird probably saying "WTF is wrong with him!!!" Later on I went to an Aunts house and as soon as she saw me she started crying and she was clueless of what I had. So you can imagine how devastated I was. Today a month later I haven't over come this situation at all, but I feel way better than how I felt days back.

Till this day I haven't been able to sleep in my room I actually kick my Dad out of the room so that I can sleep with my Mom:o

 

Hang in there and if you need anything please feel free to MSG me and I will try my best to help you or anyone in this great forum!!! I may be a complete stranger to everyone in here, but one thing unites us all... Our HEART

 

By the way I'm a 23 year old guy with a psychology major and despite the age no matter how tuff you are, love will brake you down into a million pieces.

 

"The game is over only to start all over":)

 

Will pray for you

[countingstarsagain]

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. The pain of a broken heart is the worst of all. I'm going through the same thing right now. I'm on day 7 of NC and it seems like it's been years. Just try to stay strong. If you have any friends you can confide in, call them. Tell them how you feel and tell them you need them to help you get through this. If they're true friends, they will be there for you. Whatever you do, don't call your ex! It will erase any progress you have made at getting over them. I've been split from my ex for almost two months now and I've just decided to stop talking to him. I would answer in hopes that he would say he's sorry and that everything would be okay, but it never happens. It just opens old wounds. Best of luck! I'll be praying for you!!

[brokenrightnow]

Just got back from thanksgiving dinner. Check my phone and I see that he text me.

 

" happy thanksgiving. Wish you were here."

 

 

Really??? You really wish I was there?? Why don't you pick up the phone and tell me that??? If you love me, why aren't you telling me this???

 

 

I am in tears. Maybe it's the wine, but it seems so easy to dial him right now and tell him I love him, please come back, I promise you we will be ok. I promise....

[dazzle22]

Just got back from thanksgiving dinner. Check my phone and I see that he text me.

 

" happy thanksgiving. Wish you were here."

 

 

Really??? You really wish I was there?? Why don't you pick up the phone and tell me that??? If you love me, why aren't you telling me this???

 

 

I am in tears. Maybe it's the wine, but it seems so easy to dial him right now and tell him I love him, please come back, I promise you we will be ok. I promise....

 

 

A broken heart is the worst pain in life. I would choose physical pain any day. Know that you are not alone. Many of us have been through it. More details though- you said you "knew he wasn't right for you" - that is important. What do you mean??

[brokenrightnow]

today I keep looking at the text message he sent me last night.

 

"happy thanksgiving. I wish you were here"

 

keep reading and reading. I don't know,maybe I feel I'll find something different everytime I read it....

 

I want to call him, but he broke up with ME. He chose to no longer have me in his life. I would have fought for us..

 

He isn't right for me though...we are so different. COMPLETELY different. Day and night.

 

I like to stay home and watch movies, go out to dinner and come home early, go to museums, read books..he doesn't like that..he rarely sleeps. he likes to be out everyday, with friends, drinking, being reckless..he is almost 30.

 

He says he isn't happy with his life. I can see that by his lifestyle. He uses his lifestyle to distract himself from what really is hurting him inside.

 

But I've realized that I cannot save him. I suggested he seek help, I suggested to hold his hand through it and go with him. He says "yeah, maybe I should". but it never happens.

 

I'd be asleep and he is out in the living room up all night with his roomate and friends. He sleeps during the day. Stays up all night. He stays up all night and goes to work at 5am. That is not healthy. He is sabotaging his life.

 

His mentality: "Ive been doing this all my life, with no one to answer to." He doesn't fight for anything, he says that life just works out the way it's supposed to. He isn't fighting for me. He isn't fighting for himself.

 

he broke up with me because he wasn't happy, with me, with his life. He hates his life, he says at times. He just snapped and said he wasn't happy. I was so hurt by his words, I left, I didn't fight.

 

We have met 3 times and he says he loves me, but he hates having to answer to anyone, all his life he never had anyone. Never had a mom, his dad was rarely around. he lived from house to house.

 

But I wanted to, finally, be that stability he yearns. But he pushes me away.

 

 

Those 3 times we met, he says he does not want to lose me, that he is aware he is miserable without me. He wants to start 'dating' again. Start from the beginning.

 

With tears in my eyes, I said no. Either we are together or we are not. I want 100% commitment from both of us. he won't do it. He says no. For him is starting over or nothing.

 

I want the stability. I want to be loved 100%. He isn't right for me.

[brokenrightnow]

I want to fight for us, but I can't do it alone.

[HeavenOrHell]

It takes two hun, if you feel there is any hope for you two, you need to talk

 

 

I want to fight for us, but I can't do it alone.

[dazzle22]

From what you are saying, he is a total mess. I think that the dumpee always feels worse than the dumper, even if the breakup is a good thing. Just the way it is, but doesn't mean it was the wrong decision.

 

What is very important to learn in life (I am 52 and I wish I could say this to 2my younger self and have avoided a terrible marriage), when we are in our 20's we unconsciously replicate the problems and drama we grew up with, because it is familiar. May be hell, but it is familiar.

 

So, what you need to see in this situation is two things:

 

1. He grew up isolated and without proper nurturing, and this is the scenario he will continue to seek out, because to him it is "like being home". This means whenever he loves someone, he WILL sabatoge it: he has to replicate his family of origin problem - this is almost compulsion when you are in your 20's.

 

2. Given your role in this "dance" , because all relationships are complementary dances, I would ask you to carefully look at why you need a man with problems to help out, save, whatever. Did you grow up in a home where too many adult responsibilities were put on you, did you have to caretake, or stuff your own well being for the desires of your parents?

 

You fit the profile of a woman in the book "Women who love too much". This I know because you sound like me, and let me tell you, if you keep seeking out dysfunctional men to love and save, your life will be misery. I can give you blow by blow of how this will play out and it is not pretty. Please get this book, and carefully read it. I wish so much someone had told me this and saved 25 years of my life I wasted on a guy like your ex...

[brokenrightnow]

Dazzle22. I agree with you 100 percent. But that doesn't take the fact that I am in love with him. And that doesn't take away the pain I'm feeling.

 

 

For that reason I am trying my best to let go. Because I am too almost 30 and consciuos of the fact that I cannot fix him. I cannot control his actions. I can only control what I do.

 

I'm aware of it. I love myself enough to know that this is not the life I want to live. He is a great man with such a huge heart. His intentions were never to hurt me. He only acts the only way he knows how. And that all derives from the challenges he had as a child.

 

 

So how can this man, the one I love change for his own good? Everyone has given up on him. He has no real family. He never had that warmth. Why doesn't he allow me in??

 

 

Dear god, I miss him.

[brokenrightnow]

Having a total meltdown right now. Had delete some photos on my blackberry to make space. And saw all our pictures. It hurts. I'm so tempted to email him a few.

 

I don't know why I would do that. I would do anything to hear his voice. To have him near me, breathing.

[brokenrightnow]

I am thisclose to driving to his house right now!!! My GOd!!!! This pain. This uncertainty!!

 

I have not heard from him since the Thanksgiving text. Is he not thinking of me?? What is he thinking??

 

I want him back. I am beyond miserable.

[dazzle22]

You are in love with him now, but read over your post and imagine yourself putting up with that stuff for 20 years, really think about that, and I think some of your sadness may lift.....he would make you MISERABLE.

[Gingerbooms]

Hi Brokenrightnow,

 

I've just read through your thread. I know it's been a month so I'm not sure if you'll get this, but just thought I'd write anyway, as your posts echo so much with my recent situation, and well, sometimes, just sharing with a random stranger miles away can be good

 

My partner of 2 years, split up with me 3 weeks ago, after a very bumpy relationship. We are now NC, which hurts like hell, but it is for the best, as it was KILLING me to just be friends, still IM-ing, Skype and waiting around for texts that never come

 

When you said: "your ex isn't happy with his life. I can see that by his lifestyle. He uses his lifestyle to distract himself from what really is hurting him inside". - My ex exhibits the exact same traits. Maybe, not with the drinking/partying you mentioned – more just keeping absolute distance at all times and thinking everyone is out to get him!

 

Reading your posts, I realise, just how much the actions of one human being can affect and impede the life of another, and it makes me so sad to hear it seems more common than not

 

My ex too has had a life time of turbulent, abusive, neglectful family and I don't think he has ever come to terms with it.

 

As a result, he has chosen to live and work away for 6 years now, in the field of conflict. I think, laying himself out to physical conflict (as he's been surrounded by it since birth), is what he knows, and for complicated and heartbreakingly sad reasons it's what he thinks he deserves as a consequence of losing a parent at a bad moment.

 

All of which (including the type of cold, emotionally mute mentality he has evolved due to his job) made him distant not only geographically, but physically, emotionally and intimately. This, as you know from your own experience is EXTREMELY hard to deal with and has a knock on effect on us (yeah, we have a right to have feelings too!).

 

You said, your ex's mentality was: "Ive been doing this all my life, with no one to answer to".

 

I know! This makes your heart wretch to to hear.

It makes you feel like a spare part, like maybe they just want you for sex, constantly pushing you away really can grind you down!

 

Each time my ex would come home (every 3 months), he would ask "what is wrong with me, maybe i need help", but like your ex, would never properly deal with it. He'd fling head first into projects, tasks, chores to do alone to keep himself busy (and therefore remain distant) creating additional stresses for himself and I.

 

I wouldn't say my ex was selfish (he often compensated for his distance in gifts etc), but soooooo independent to the point where I constantly questioned the reasons why he needed someone/anyone else at all in his life. I felt useless to him which hurt so much every time he would pull away.

 

Yet, like you say, all you want so much is to be a stable influence in their lives but it seems to fall on deaf ears. They've never had unconditional love or support, so why would they need to thank anyone just for "being there"?!

 

Throughout the rollercoaster I had violent mood swings. We almost broke up last year, but I was told he would reconsider if I could manage my outbursts.

 

So, I would try to hold in all my feelings of neglect, abandonment, loneliness, all the while, the effects of his inappropriateness, impetuosity, inconsideration (all the I's haha) would build up inside me, and then I would lash out at him about it as a result.

 

He always said I needed to check my emotions and mood swings as that drove him away even more. Following which I would always swing back to" it was me", "my fault", "I'm so sorry I hurt you", "what more could I do to help him" as I was so scared of losing this man, who can't be there for you?!

 

---

Anyways,

Sorry for hijacking your thread, it's a long one...But I guess I just want to say, I completely empathise with loving someone so much, but feeling so helpless as you just can't seem to give them what they need, but they can't see it either.

 

I really do fear, that I've now pushed my ex away (he gave his reason for the split as he wants to return to rejoin the military and this is a tactic, he has adopted in previous splits I am aware of). I'm not absolving myself of blame or guilt, I know I could have handled my outbursts a lot better (I've always been stroppy and fiery), but ultimately I'm not sure he can mend himself by being away.

 

Like you said - I am conscious of the fact that I cannot fix him. I cannot control his actions. I can only control what I do.

 

I think I only partially see this, and I TRULY wish it could have been me to help him. I HATE that I couldnt be the one to help him see a loving, caring relationship and/or family IS possible (with lots of hardwork, granted).

 

But, like Dazzle22 nailed it - think 20 years time, you would be sooooo miserable, have no self esteem left and most likely if you had kids, you would replicate the whole sorry story for them

 

I'm not sure I have pearls of wisdom or snippets of great advice for you...We can't just snap out of the emotional attachment after being dedicated to someone so long.

 

I think you were so brave to lay your heart out in the cross fire, when all you were doing was trying your god damn hardest for someone who then ripped your world apart.

 

Maybe there's a guardian angel out there for our lost exes (and other lost souls), a martyr who can keep giving through all the heartache, I do hope so for their sake.

 

But also, don't give up on yourself, keep on giving your heart (in future), be open and honest, don't hold back, and try as hard as possible to not let this experience continue or repeats itself with others. Know there will be someone who wants your love as much, if not more than you have to give!

 

Take care, A x