hopeless4u Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 MBEG, I do understand where you are coming from. I am in a very similar situation where the MM that I was involved with also did not tell his W the full story when confronted. She received an extremely watered down version that put all the pursuing on me (not what actually happened) and was told the only thing that went on was that we were emailing one another. His only admission was that he was "interested" and didn't stop my advances through email when I let him know that I wanted more. That we only emailed infrequently also. The truth is that it was quite the opposite. We were extremely emotionally involved to the point of spending every moment we had chatting and using the video cam. We are on opposite coasts, but we did have a PA when I was in the area for a business trip. We both tried several times to stop everything. The guilt was eating us both up. I knew that he loved me, but he felt he couldn't abandon his wife and children. (I was already splitting from my husband) He indicated to me that he loved his wife in more of a friendly manner and he was not attracted to her one bit anymore.. no passion ...no chemistry.. said looking back that he believes that they never had it. But, he couldn't leave her because there were good things about her... being a good mother and they worked very well as a parenting team... didn't bicker a lot or argue a lot about little things... he didn't want to have his kids on a 50/50 split with her.....didn't want to be viewed as a quitter.... that he could not devastate her to make himself happier. I have had so many things to think about in this. It sounds so similar to you. I am just now starting 2 months later to realize that either way he is lying. He is either lying to me or he is lying to her... or just lying in general by ommitting facts. I cannot make myself crazy wondering what is happening with either one of them. If what he tells me is true, and he swears that he was not lying about his feelings. Then, he is really doing her an injustice. He is making the decision for her that she should stay in a marriage with him feeling this way because he doesn't want to change his life, leave his home, or spit time with his children. While it is not fair to her, I don't think anyone could ever convince her that this is true unless it actually comes from his mouth. So, I know how you feel about the W not knowing all of the facts. It is a crazy situation. But, make every effort to put it out of your mind. I am trying very hard to do that too And, it is tough. I also want to add that I am very aware of my wrongdoings in this also. I should have never gotten involved with him under these circumstances. We we first started talking again (we were friends in college), he led me to believe that he was leaving his wife. He talked to her about it and she crumbled. At that point, he started thinking about how all of this would affect everyone, especially his children. But, by then, we were very involved.... he told me he loved me. I am sure that he does. But, it is one thing to love, and another thing to bring down everything around you for that love. We were being selfish. (Hope I didn't threadjack you...it just seemed so similar). Seems there are a few of us in the same situation and our xMM have told us all the same but could not follow through on the 'i love you's' they shared with us. I wonder, if they turned up on our doorsteps with D papers in hand what would we do??
Devil Inside Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 MBEG Oh man...the aftermath is so much fun...isn't it. Look the feeling you have for xAP are not going to vanish into thin air. Also, you are in such a tough situation because you still have to have contact with him. This would have made it so difficult for me. I can tell you that the feelings I have for my xAP diminish more and more with time. One week out I thought I could nto live without her. One month out I was so afraid she would haunt me forever. Now, it is so much better. However, I do not have the constant triggers of contact to keep me in the cycle. My W has been a trooper. She had to watch me mourn the loss of my A. How messed up is that? It was not until some time and therapy passed that I learned to maintian some affect control and make myself present with her and our M when with her...if I was sad I save it for when I was alone...because I knew I would miss my xAP, I expected it...but I also knew what a trigger it would be for my W...so I sucked it up until I had the opportunity to express. Like you I do have a timeline in my head for how long I will ty to make it work. However, many here have said it takes years, and a lot of work to recover. So don't lose sight of that.
Gabriele Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Without reading the other post...... As a BS It would be just another betrayal to know that I am not the only person in his heart.... It would make me feel sick (makes me sick to even think that way). People deserve better, deserve to be number 1, the only one. If he is having these feelings he should be a man and let her go.....if he has any respect for her. He is still cheating! Gabriele
adiaz Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 **** no! I'd fart on his pillow and hope he gets pinkeye and passes it on to his b*tch. 1
Spark1111 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 I would never want to be anyone's default choice ever! My spouse told himself so many delusional things prior to the affair. My wife doesn't love me, doesn't want me around, is no longer attracted to me, in it for the kids, we don't really connect....before he crashed into her! He was absolutely stunned when I told him to go be with her, that if I had feelings that strong for anyone, I'd have a bag packed and out the door. He kept telling me he missed his family. I told him that I needed to be wanted passionately as a woman, not just lumped into the unit of comfort known as the family. That I needed and deserved that passion in my life too, preferably with him because I loved him, but if not, then with another. And he would always have the love of his children. He could always have his family. Life is way too short. I would never want to be the "default" choice. Ugh! Good little, self-sacrificing wifey died the day I discovered his affair. I would never want anyone who didn't want me, the woman.
eeyore1981 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 If my husband was in love with another woman, I would want him to go. There are too many men out there who would be more than happy to be with me, and love only me, for me to feel the need to stay with someone who loved someone else. Reverse the situation, and if I really loved another man, nothing would keep me from him. My kids are grown, and even if they weren't, I wouldn't have to give them up to be with someone else. Nice house, finances, etc., all that would not come anywhere close in importance to being with the one I loved. As far as loving my H also, well, if I really was in love with my H, which I am, I wouldn't be open to loving someone else, so it wouldn't be an issue.
turnstone Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Despite the fact my nearly ex is practically shouting from the rooftops that he's not in love with anyone but me, I've still left him. So, never mind that he doesn't have the capacity to love anyone but himself, if he had told me he loved another woman, of course I would still have started divorce proceedings. And if I had fallen in love with someone else? Well, it would never have happened whilst married. I nipped all those opportunities in the bud just like anyone would do who's got an ounce of respect for their spouse and their marriage.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 question. so say your spouse has an affair. theres a d-day and they tell you that they want to stay, make it right, love you, that they are truly sorry. and they mean it. you work through it and make the marriage work. youre happy, although things will never be the same. so what if your former ws has found his/her way back to loving you, but still loves the other person. say they are living their life knowing that although they love you, its not what they felt for the other person and it never will be. that they struggle every day with the memories of that other person and the fact that even though your marriage is happy, that the happiness is not what it could be with someone else. would you want to know? and would you want to stay with them knowing that they carry these feelings? thanks for the input. ...Probably not, for me that is. But everyone is different, everyone has their breaking point. and if you DONT get rid of those feelings for the OM, your marriage will always be doomed no man wants to feel like sloppy seconds. And it is your refusal to do what is neccessary to be done. Your only focusing on others when your husband takes precedense.
hopeless4u Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 If my husband was in love with another woman, I would want him to go. There are too many men out there who would be more than happy to be with me, and love only me, for me to feel the need to stay with someone who loved someone else. Reverse the situation, and if I really loved another man, nothing would keep me from him. My kids are grown, and even if they weren't, I wouldn't have to give them up to be with someone else. Nice house, finances, etc., all that would not come anywhere close in importance to being with the one I loved. As far as loving my H also, well, if I really was in love with my H, which I am, I wouldn't be open to loving someone else, so it wouldn't be an issue. This is how I see it and the main reason I've finally come to my senses about xMM. His children are grown up, yes he has financial commitments and he is a caring man who worries about the damage to his family but if he loved me like I love him then he would make that decision. I have gone against everything I believe in being with him, I've let my friends down, I've lied to my son (17yrs old) because I'm ashamed of what we're doing and I sit alone every night thinking of him playing happy families. He has let me down so many times to 'get back home' its actually stopped hurting and now I know the truth about his relationship with his W still being intimate I can see it for what it is. Yes we are friends, always will be but I was/am his emotional staff, he leans on me and always has but he will never leave his W, he is just not made that way. Is he in love with his W or is it his duty? Will I always be in the back of his mind? Would he of had a better life if he chose me? Can he give his W 100% if he decides to try? Only he can answer these questions but unfortunately when I asked him, he can't answer, he's to confused.
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