grfins Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I only wish i had discovered LS sooner for Greyclouds, Alive and Kicking, Heaven and Hell, and others are truly saints to me for thheir courage, strength, and support they show in dealing with the agony of heatache. I hope and pray that i will someday get to their point of healing, forgiveness and beyond. At 42, I believe the best years of my life are in the past. I have always felt very grateful, fortunate , and blessed to have lived the life i had and the family i had. As a childand up into my 40s ive seen friends and family go through many painful things in life. I always felt it was just a matter of time before tragedy or devastation would eventually strike me. Over 20 years of marriage(most very good) my dreams, future plans, and desires are gone. My wife moved out to 'find herself'. Truth is she became weak and fell for another man A con who worked his way intoour life and told her everything she wanted to hear. 11 weeks since d-dayand the pain and heartache are still as crushing as ever. i fear nothing in life or death except that i will continue to wake up each day with this horrible feeling inside. Im trying much of the advice given here on LS. A few years back we had a dog that was suffering terribly. The only acceptable way to handle the situation was to end the suffering and put her to sleep. Why is this not an acceptable solution for endless heartache? The suffering really never ends or goes away does it? Suicide is not chosen; it only happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. Suicide is neither right or wrong, it is not a defect of charactor, it is morally neutral. I praise you Greyclouds, Alive and Kicking, Heaven or Hell, and others on here for your courage, hope, and determination in not only moving forward but helping otheres as you do so. I believe you all are trully good people and i wish you the very best in life. I thank you for all your support and kind words and i pray that i can gain some of your strength to keep my will to carry on. Probably all of us on here have felt like checking out at some time or another. Not that i will do it but the the thought is there alot. Time heals they say but does it really. 11 weeks so far hmm, another 11? or 6 months or 6 years? How are you doing people say. Im trying is all i can say.
silic0ntoad Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I think everyone here is still trying, my friend. I was with a girl for 4 years who split the day after I dropped 5k on an engagement ring. My heart was wrenched still beating from my chest, dunked in battery acid, spit on, drug behind a speeding car, and mailed back to me in a box full of broken glass. It's life. There's not much we can do to control the actions of others beyond ourselves. It's been 6 months for me and I feel pretty ace. Sure, I still have moments. But it's usually now just a fleeting image of a memory now in my mind long since past. 11 weeks is nothing compared to 20 years. Give yourself more time. Don't be hard on yourself. As much as I despise to admit it, I am human, as are the rest of us. The human condition makes us have feelings. But you need to feel your feelings and let them out. What she did was heinous, insidious, nefarious, and treacherous. My ex was the same. I live by a motto now - "Ever are the distrustful treacherous." It pines true in all aspects of life. It's going to get worse before it gets better. But like a Phoenix ascendant you will raise from the ashes of your former self to live life as YOU SEE FIT. Regardless of age, financial situation - none of that sh*t even matters. All that matters is; you are now free to control the future as you see fit, without the burden of your treacherous ex involved.
trueblue72ny Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Sorry to hear you are going thru this. That hurts like he!! It does get better in time tho. I can testify to that. but there is no easy way out. you have to suffer along with the rest of us ls’ers that have, and currently are, going thru that horrible heartache feeling. I guess its just part of life we deal with. really there is no other choice. & I have realized at 37 that Nothing lasts forever. After 11 weeks that is still really fresh. There is no set time for you to get over what you are feeling. Its all about you and how you carry on with your life. it could take quite awhile to get this out of your system because you were involved for so long. Realistically, over a year is a conservative estimate. I hope you don’t have to deal with her coming back, in and out of your life screwing with your head.
Template Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I feel for ya. Sometimes the pain never goes away. However, what we can do is find the strength to deal with it. 11 weeks after 20 years is still very much fresh. You should give yourself credit, as you could have obviously been a worse position. No one can tell you how long it'll take to get over this, as it's really up to you. Right now you are rightfully in pain, and will continue to do so for a while. One day, you'll wake up and make the conscious decision to truly recover, and take the steps to recover, and eventually you'll come to the point where you'll say, "why was I in pain for so long?" You are human so embrace your pain, but don't forget to also embrace HOPE.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I really appreciate your words, although I don't think I'm a saint, I get angry and resentful, but I do try to not show him it, I've sent a couple of angry texts, my friends didn't think they were bad but I did hurt him with one of them and I feel bad for that, he doesn't deserve that. I don't blame him for leaving and he doesn't blame me, there is nothing to forgive, although I feel I need to forgive myself for mistakes I made in our relationship. I do believe that I have strength though, not sure about courage and at first I didn't think I had strength. I am determined I will get through this. You do have strength deep within you. I too feel the best years are behind me (I'm 43), although I took him for granted towards the end, I ALWAYS felt thankful to have have found him and to have spent so many happy years with him, I always felt proud when people said wow, 18 years! How do you do it! I knew I was so so lucky, he said he felt lucky too. Believe me 11 weeks is nothing, not after 20 years. It will take you and I a long time to heal, it can't be rushed (if only). I truly feel there will never be anyone I connect so well with as him and that I will always love him. I have also thought about how animals are put to sleep when suffering and thought why can't humans be allowed to do this when the pain comes too much for us and there seems no way out. I have frequently felt there was no escape from this pain and there never would be, that nothing will help or ease it. I am also keeping in mind if I went through with that it would devastate my ex and my friends and my mum, they don't deserve that. Although it can be hard to feel loved/loveable when you've been dumped. But I think the suffering does end, that we find ways to cope, but it takes a long long time, I have a long way to go. I am not constantly in pain now, so I guess that is a breakthrough. I did breakdown last night and felt suffocated by the dark when I went to bed last night, the loneliness and emptiness and sorrow became too much again, but I feel ok today, went for a walk with a friend which helped. Please try to take each day one by one, or even each hour. Do you have much support? I don't have lots of friends, so I have often felt totally alone. I am making myself go out more and be more sociable, I am very shy so it's not easy. This year just seems like a ball of horror, shock, confusion, devastation, disbelief, fear, it is so hard to get your head around what has happened, it will take me a while to truly take it all in. Take comfort that you are not alone in how you feel, so many of us in the same boat. Keep posting, we're here for you I only wish i had discovered LS sooner for Greyclouds, Alive and Kicking, Heaven and Hell, and others are truly saints to me for thheir courage, strength, and support they show in dealing with the agony of heatache. I hope and pray that i will someday get to their point of healing, forgiveness and beyond. At 42, I believe the best years of my life are in the past. I have always felt very grateful, fortunate , and blessed to have lived the life i had and the family i had. As a childand up into my 40s ive seen friends and family go through many painful things in life. I always felt it was just a matter of time before tragedy or devastation would eventually strike me. Over 20 years of marriage(most very good) my dreams, future plans, and desires are gone. My wife moved out to 'find herself'. Truth is she became weak and fell for another man A con who worked his way intoour life and told her everything she wanted to hear. 11 weeks since d-dayand the pain and heartache are still as crushing as ever. i fear nothing in life or death except that i will continue to wake up each day with this horrible feeling inside. Im trying much of the advice given here on LS. A few years back we had a dog that was suffering terribly. The only acceptable way to handle the situation was to end the suffering and put her to sleep. Why is this not an acceptable solution for endless heartache? The suffering really never ends or goes away does it? Suicide is not chosen; it only happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. Suicide is neither right or wrong, it is not a defect of charactor, it is morally neutral. I praise you Greyclouds, Alive and Kicking, Heaven or Hell, and others on here for your courage, hope, and determination in not only moving forward but helping otheres as you do so. I believe you all are trully good people and i wish you the very best in life. I thank you for all your support and kind words and i pray that i can gain some of your strength to keep my will to carry on. Probably all of us on here have felt like checking out at some time or another. Not that i will do it but the the thought is there alot. Time heals they say but does it really. 11 weeks so far hmm, another 11? or 6 months or 6 years? How are you doing people say. Im trying is all i can say.
mickleb Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 So sorry to hear you're still in such pain, grfns. Just a couple of things.. Your point about animals vs humans being put to sleep: Remember, this is an option when animals are so physically damaged (beyond repairable), it is considered cruel to prolong their suffering. Some options exist for humans in this very tragic condition, also. There are other options/treatments for both very depressed humans and, indeed, animals. There are other options available to you, it's just that you don't have another human being to make them on your behalf. You have to find/take them for yourself. You can do this, are doing this and absolutely will do this. You're just exhausted at the moment from your very recent and terrible loss. But you will, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week, month and year, get it back. The other thing is, the book 'The Journey From Heartbreak To Connection'. I think it can help you. Take the very best of care. x
GrayClouds Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Thank you but it should be you that your praising. You have made through 11 weeks which means 11 weeks closer to the place you want to be. But forget about forgiving and beyond those will take care of themselves. Right now it is about healing. And doing all that you need to do to help it. You know what I am going to say, that includes talking to professionals, meds, exercise, ranting, raving, crying, journaling, self help books and I find it helpful, to be an occasional smarta$$. Remember difference between you and the dog is that you can do all this to reduce the suffering the dog couldn't. Trust me, if you commit yourself to do those things and give it some time. Then if your still feel the need, I promise I will then be willing to talk with you about taking you to the veterinarian. I meet this old guy to I drink coffee with on most mornings. One day when my heartbreak was showing, hesaid to me that he though when he turned 65 his best days was behind him though now that he is 80 he knows his best day is going to be today and he has been right for the last 15 years. Your 42 (6 years old in dog years), the current guy in the white house was still 5 years away before he got this last job. There is many best day ahead, and now your at the age where you wont just live through them but will live in them. That's at least part of what I think that old codger was trying to say to me...maybe he was just trying to tell me the benifits of Alzheimer's, he's pretty old so who knows. Remember your not alone, none of us has the answer, I myself barely have a clue. We are all here swinging away like drunken heavyweight fighters to knock this devil down. You too will get through.
Author grfins Posted November 28, 2009 Author Posted November 28, 2009 Heaven or Hell- You are able to put your feelings into words very well. Many times i would like to post my feelings or support others but i have trouble putting my random thoughts and feelings in writing and in some sort of intelligent manner. I feel your pain as you may not be too far ahead of me in the healing process. Hour by hour and day by day is the only way to go right now. I do have some support but very little locally though. I too have just started making myself go out and be more sociable as i am a bit on the shy side myself. Thanks for sharing. I draw hope and inspiration from your posts. Trueblue72ny- You are so right that nothing does last forever. My ex used say to that eventually everyone will let you down. I did not believe it all these years because i thought her and i would always be solid no matter what happened. She proved herself right. Forshadowing huh? Template- I have embraced the pain and i am somewhere in the anger, hatred, and vengence stage. At least now there are some good days and they are not all bad. I hate to read that 'sometimes the pain never goes away'. A bit discouraging but im sure true in some cases. SiliOntoad- "Ever are the distrustful treacherous". Nice motto. I might adopt that. Sean1970- Yers i do have primary custody of my 14 year old son and we are very close. I am extremely grateful for that as he has been the thread that has helped me to hold on and finally start to move in a positive direction. Its a struggle to maintain as a good father and to not allow my outlook on life to effect him very much. He is my focus and reason for being right now. I am going to check out that book 'Journey From Heartbreak To Connection'. Thanks Thank you Grayclouds. I have been doing most of those suggestions for healing and finally i think i am moving along somewhere in the healing process. It is slow but not all days are unbearable as the first 2 months or so. Most but not all. Thats some progress right? I like your location.
GrayClouds Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Thank you Grayclouds. I have been doing most of those suggestions for healing and finally i think i am moving along somewhere in the healing process. It is slow but not all days are unbearable as the first 2 months or so. Most but not all. Thats some progress right? I like your location. Right! Actually, it is really good news. I myself specialized in the ranting, raving and being a smart a$$. You likely already guessed that last one. And exercise it can not be overstated. And your right about your son. There is not a better lesson you are going to teach him then how to overcome when life kicks you hard in nest of the bird eggs. Moe important, how to handle it in a healthy way. My old man was drunk most of my childhood. I didn't like him much because of it and I had a great excuse for all of my shortcomings. But one day he put the bottle and realized now I had a lot to live up to. In hind site I thank him very much for that. Your doing the same for your son, you should be proud. Keep up the good effort, it is working. You now know no matter how hard the days get their are better one to come, you have seen it. Keep us posted.
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