jaina Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 This is a form of a confession - there are many terrible things I have done that I am seeking retribution for. And am hoping that talking about my own bad things in public will lighten my burden. I started going out with a guy at the age of 14. In the course of the next 2 years or so got pregnant more than once and aborted. Things didn't work out with this No. 1 and we broke up. Then I met the next guy 2 and married him at a very young age. A very good man. But adjustment problems occured. With my immaturity, I didn't know what I was doing - and I stepped out - to have an extra marital affair for the first time with '3'. I wasn't in love. I just needed comfort and needed companionship. And did this to get over my aloneness. 3 was to go away in a few months to live in another city - so it was a perfect situation - it was time bound. And so it ended when 3 left. The bad part is that 3 was smitten and when he reached out again I snubbed him and never saw him again. He must have suffered but I didnt care. Then I met another guy whom I was smitten by : 4. He was not in love with me at all but we did become lovers. But he didnt love me. I went into it knowing this - just to satisfy my crush. Eventually he moved on to other girls and I let go peacefully - since I knew that he didn't love me. Had a fling with 5. Helped get over 4. I decided to make it work with my husband and moved on.. Had a minor fling with 6 And then had another affair with 7. This turned into a huge family mess since he too was married. Eventually we split up as he couldn't break up with his wife - but we got back together again. I also had his child. Then I made the huge mistake of involving his family. They were innocent in the story and i had no right to inform them. Regret that part! Had another fling with 8. Then I met 9. Lasted over 5 years. Hurt him in many many ways in my anger. He was a good man too who had lived an innocent life. I hurt him more than the whole world had done collectively in his whole life. Have remorse. And I hurt my husband in terrible terrible ways thru my acts of unfaithfulness. Have great remorse for it and its hard to live that once the realisation hits. My faults, my mistakes, my choices have led me to become an awful person. And there is no way I can un-do the injury that I have caused to the guys - no matter what i do. There is no way to forgive myself. I am posting here only as a form of public berating for myself. Hope I find my punishment. Please don't reply - I won't be returning to read this.
Brokenlady Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Interesting. You want to be punished, but you won't return here to get the punishment from posters who will undoubtedly berate you. You took the trouble of being anonymous though you claim to want to humiliate yourself. My guess is you'll be back, if only to read. You said you want "retribution" (revenge), but I assume you meant "redemption". You've had 7 affairs, one resulting in a child who I'm guessing your husband is raising as his own with you. Wow. I really really hope you find your way to therapy and find a way to fix what is broken inside you instead of just hoping for punishment. It sounds like you've been avoiding looking within yourself for along time, and maybe you're feeling enough crisis that it's time to do that.
adiaz Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Jaina you blew my mind. I think you need therapy to find out and hopefully fix whatever it is that deep inside of you is broken that makes you look for love in all the wrong places starting with your first relationship to today. You need to forgive yourself for the abortions you have had and if you are still in contact with any of these guys, maybe an honest and sincere apology letter would help? You did wrong and I am not trying to justify your faults, meanness and mistakes just letting you know that you are not the worst person out there. Forgive yourself.
1Angel Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Is this post for real? So you feel remorse, great. Now next step would be go get some therapy for yourself. You're on the right path. Why post in first place if you won't be back to read replies?
whichwayisup Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 And I hurt my husband in terrible terrible ways thru my acts of unfaithfulness. Have great remorse for it and its hard to live that once the realisation hits. My faults, my mistakes, my choices have led me to become an awful person. It's not too late to change.. Therapy can help you become the woman you're meant to be. Making mistakes and realizing you messed up is a start - To want to change, to want to make better choices that will make you happy long term, please, consider counselling. Forgive yourself, and start over.
seibert253 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 J I'm not saying this to be mean or an azz, but you need some serious help. You cannot continue with this self destructive behavior. You can fix you, but you cannot do it alone. If you haven't started counseling, please do so now.
Samantha0905 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Definitely counseling........ not trying to be ugly either. If you truly want to change, you will put some action into it.
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