I think I may have solved the sexless marriage issue

November 25, 2009

At least in worked in my case. I can't say for sure it'll work in yours. As some of you may remember, sometime last year though this April, I was spending my weekdays in Switzerland and the weekends in London where my company sent us for an expat stint.

For quite a few years, I was stuck like a bunch of us here, in a functionally sexless marriage. Just check my previous thread if you're interested in hearing the whole story.

I went a little wild in Switzerland maybe, but on the plus side I learned a bit more about flirting and maintaining sexual tension, which I used a bit in my own marriage. My assignment in Switzerland was done, and I came back to the London office back in April. My concern at the time was that I may find myself back where I was since I no longer had the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" effect going for me anymore. I came back home determined to keep the fire going so to speak.

I noticed that if I let her know she's HOT all the time, she would protest at first, but she liked being told that. My sex drive has gone up and so I approach her but she has to know that she is the one I'm aroused by and not that I'm just "horny". I think that she thought, in the past, that I just needed to get my rocks off and it didn't matter if it was her or anyone else. That idea had to be dispelled as soon as possible otherwise she would feel undervalued. So I let it be known that she causes me to get aroused and that I may not have been at all if she wasn't there. In short, I was putting her on a pedestal sexually.

One of things I never paid much attention to in the past was her hints to me that she enjoyed the idea of being restrained during sex. I suppose it's some fantasy of hers. I don't know why, but I never really took her hints that seriously. I did do some half hearted attempts at tying her up, but that was about it.

So I pursued that avenue more aggresively. I tried to find bondage stories from the POV of a woman (no easy task), and I went on some message boards to get some good scenario ideas. I then innocently arranged for the kids to be at friends' houses overnight, I took her out for a great meal

that night and we stayed at a hotel. I'll spare the details, but I played a scene where I was pissed at all the sex she denied me in the past and I was teaching her a lesson.

From that night on, she became hypersexual. We were having sex all the time after that. I keep things going by getting her aroused in the morning or at odd times of the day, but not following through with sex necessarily. I don't do the S&M bit very often at all, but I "threaten" her with it every so often during sex.

On a more tempered note, I will text her during the day and let her know I miss her. I'll do small things for her if I can such as pick up her favorite chocolates or something or even do the laundry. But here's where I'm careful. I don't do these things all the time. I know for a fact that if I were to do the laundry every day, that would become my chore. It's the spontaneity that keeps it special.

Two other habits I changed: She used to ask me to do small fix up things around the house. I despise doing those things plus I tend to forget. That would infuriate her and then she'd start what I considerd nagging. Now, I make an extra effort to do those things as quickly as I can so she doesn't need to ask me again. As stupid as it might sound, that changed her attitude immensly. The other thing I changed is I will stand up for myself more. If she does pull anything on me that I don't like or I consider unfair, then I tell her right away. If she raises her voice at me I ask her how the hell she dares talk to ME like that. This was typically unlike me in the past when I would have backed down and clammed up. For whatever messed up reason, she like it better when I stand up to her somewhat forcefully.

I realize some of this stuff sounds a bit whacked out, but it's working so far. It's only been since April and we have sex of some sort almost every day. I haven't the slightest idea if this would work in your case or not, but hey .. it beats the alternative.

November 25, 2009

Excellent post.

I'm really glad it worked out for you.

I think what you did was brilliant, and you managed to do the things she wanted without becoming a doormat, and thus keeping the balance of friend and lover in a place where she respects you and yet gets very turned on.

that can be a very difficult dynamic to maintain, and it sounds like you've found the secret to keeping your marriage healthy.

she's happy, you're happy, well done you!

November 25, 2009

Good for you, but again I wonder if this is just a lucky coincidence..... I really don't know what things in your post I have not done (outside the bondage)....

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t170807/

November 25, 2009

Good for you, but again I wonder if this is just a lucky coincidence..... I really don't know what things in your post I have not done (outside the bondage)....

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t170807/

Yeah, I understand. I'm no genius, I just happened to figure this one out. I suspect that the key to keepng things alive in the bedroom is to have her hold a little fear that you could be with someone else. But it can't be something you threaten with or even verbalize as such. It really has to be something she begins to consider a possibility maybe because your confidence and sexual vibe has gone up. Somewhat like you're sending signals meant for her, but that others can pick up too. Not sure if I can explain it better than that ..

November 25, 2009

Yeah, I understand. I'm no genius, I just happened to figure this one out. I suspect that the key to keepng things alive in the bedroom is to have her hold a little fear that you could be with someone else. But it can't be something you threaten with or even verbalize as such. It really has to be something she begins to consider a possibility maybe because your confidence and sexual vibe has gone up. Somewhat like you're sending signals meant for her, but that others can pick up too. Not sure if I can explain it better than that ..

As said.... Who am I to judge.... Maybe you pushed the envelope (actually, who am I kidding, you did....), but now you are home, faithful and everyone is happy..... Not sure I'd recommend this course of action for others.

May we all find that elusive answer.....

November 25, 2009

We already heard this story. Same thing and i think even same poster where he sounds all nice until you realize he "learned" this wonderful new angle by cheating on his wife. All of what is shared would be fine advise, except that none of it would work if his wife knew he risked their collective health and her trust while still being needed by their children.

Basically its the same PUA manure. Be someone you're not and lie, lie, lie.

Your advise to listen to her words - great!

Your advise to avoid causing nagging and fights - great!

Be attentive and romantic in small easy ways prior to getting in bed - super great!

But you had to cheat to realize these things? Not so great.

November 25, 2009

We already heard this story. Same thing and i think even same poster where he sounds all nice until you realize he "learned" this wonderful new angle by cheating on his wife. All of what is shared would be fine advise, except that none of it would work if his wife knew he risked their collective health and her trust while still being needed by their children.

Basically its the same PUA manure. Be someone you're not and lie, lie, lie.

Your advise to listen to her words - great!
Your advise to avoid causing nagging and fights - great!
Be attentive and romantic in small easy ways prior to getting in bed - super great!

But you had to cheat to realize these things? Not so great.

I never suggested one should cheat. I did, true. But I don't think that was necessary to have been able to turn things around.

November 25, 2009

Yeah, I understand. I'm no genius, I just happened to figure this one out. I suspect that the key to keepng things alive in the bedroom is to have her hold a little fear that you could be with someone else. But it can't be something you threaten with or even verbalize as such. It really has to be something she begins to consider a possibility maybe because your confidence and sexual vibe has gone up. Somewhat like you're sending signals meant for her, but that others can pick up too. Not sure if I can explain it better than that ..

nah, i dont think that is it at all. its not at all sexy to think that your partner is capable of cheating. (although now reading the comments, i can see that you have)

the reason she finds it sexy is because she's not 100% sure how far you'll go with the senario.

please dont kid yourself that its because you're now god's gift to women and she's afraid of losing you.

thats totally the wrong attitude in this situation.

November 25, 2009

Quit wasting time on an internet forum !

Go home and spank your wife instead :lmao:!

November 25, 2009

This is perfect. You nailed the amplifiers that make such a huge difference:

- You became more attractive - more fun and playful - home improvement follow through

- You are a little less available - the kissing/light foreplay followed by nothing

- You are a bit scary - the bondage / punishment thing hits this really good

- More dominant in tone - you go to the mat when she is biatchy to you

Really the scary/dominant/playful is all in the more attractive bucket - and the less available simply is its own magic

Most marriages play this tape in reverse: The sexually frustrated man becomes "less attractive" - he is less happy therefore less playful and flirtatious - he is way more avoidant of normal conflict for fear that it might screw up one of his very rare shots at having sex. He tries to be more helplful with the house etc. And over time that comes across as submissive/weak. These guys tend to do more of all the 5 love languages. Their wives end up "hearing" a constant stream of "I love you" in various forms. Way way more then she is transmitting back. This clearly and consistently makes things worse as she feels increasingly crowded and sexually pulls away. The more she retreats the more he advances - a vicious cycle.

At least in worked in my case. I can't say for sure it'll work in yours. As some of you may remember, sometime last year though this April, I was spending my weekdays in Switzerland and the weekends in London where my company sent us for an expat stint.

For quite a few years, I was stuck like a bunch of us here, in a functionally sexless marriage. Just check my previous thread if you're interested in hearing the whole story.

I went a little wild in Switzerland maybe, but on the plus side I learned a bit more about flirting and maintaining sexual tension, which I used a bit in my own marriage. My assignment in Switzerland was done, and I came back to the London office back in April. My concern at the time was that I may find myself back where I was since I no longer had the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" effect going for me anymore. I came back home determined to keep the fire going so to speak.

I noticed that if I let her know she's HOT all the time, she would protest at first, but she liked being told that. My sex drive has gone up and so I approach her but she has to know that she is the one I'm aroused by and not that I'm just "horny". I think that she thought, in the past, that I just needed to get my rocks off and it didn't matter if it was her or anyone else. That idea had to be dispelled as soon as possible otherwise she would feel undervalued. So I let it be known that she causes me to get aroused and that I may not have been at all if she wasn't there. In short, I was putting her on a pedestal sexually.

One of things I never paid much attention to in the past was her hints to me that she enjoyed the idea of being restrained during sex. I suppose it's some fantasy of hers. I don't know why, but I never really took her hints that seriously. I did do some half hearted attempts at tying her up, but that was about it.

So I pursued that avenue more aggresively. I tried to find bondage stories from the POV of a woman (no easy task), and I went on some message boards to get some good scenario ideas. I then innocently arranged for the kids to be at friends' houses overnight, I took her out for a great meal
that night and we stayed at a hotel. I'll spare the details, but I played a scene where I was pissed at all the sex she denied me in the past and I was teaching her a lesson.

From that night on, she became hypersexual. We were having sex all the time after that. I keep things going by getting her aroused in the morning or at odd times of the day, but not following through with sex necessarily. I don't do the S&M bit very often at all, but I "threaten" her with it every so often during sex.

On a more tempered note, I will text her during the day and let her know I miss her. I'll do small things for her if I can such as pick up her favorite chocolates or something or even do the laundry. But here's where I'm careful. I don't do these things all the time. I know for a fact that if I were to do the laundry every day, that would become my chore. It's the spontaneity that keeps it special.

Two other habits I changed: She used to ask me to do small fix up things around the house. I despise doing those things plus I tend to forget. That would infuriate her and then she'd start what I considerd nagging. Now, I make an extra effort to do those things as quickly as I can so she doesn't need to ask me again. As stupid as it might sound, that changed her attitude immensly. The other thing I changed is I will stand up for myself more. If she does pull anything on me that I don't like or I consider unfair, then I tell her right away. If she raises her voice at me I ask her how the hell she dares talk to ME like that. This was typically unlike me in the past when I would have backed down and clammed up. For whatever messed up reason, she like it better when I stand up to her somewhat forcefully.

I realize some of this stuff sounds a bit whacked out, but it's working so far. It's only been since April and we have sex of some sort almost every day. I haven't the slightest idea if this would work in your case or not, but hey .. it beats the alternative.

November 25, 2009

the reason she finds it sexy is because she's not 100% sure how far you'll go with the senario.
.

And most importantly - most women are willing to go faaaar beyond what most guys'd consider 'sensible'.

November 27, 2009

I think details are in order here, son. You should blog this. Good job.

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I think I may have solved the sexless marriage issue

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