xprettyinpinkx Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I guess Im just looking for someone, anyone to talk too, who has been in the situation from 'lovers to friends' and who mistakenly thought that they could be friends with their ex and did so for several months, but found they couldn't do it any longer and went total NC. I'm finding it really hard to cope at the moment and 2 weeks nearly into NC. I've known the ex for 2 years and we were close and became even closer after the split. He'd call every day, sometimes more than once and to cut him out of my life, feels as though I've lost an arm. Plus Im having to deal with the fact that he didnt want to break the ties and was really hurt that I did. It is his birthday today and Im tempted to break NC.... Im looking for anything that will help me stay strong. Thanks
teanoranges Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I'm right there with you. I was with my ex for 2.5 years about (it would have been 3 if we made it to sept) We came out of the break-up as friends. He wanted to be friends and I told him I'm sure I could do it since he's such a good guy and we get along. All along I thought we'd get back together. Things were nice until 2.5 months later when he kisses another girl and I broke down. I lasted NC for about 4 days when I moved away, but started talking again for 3 weeks where I went NC for 20 days... and we talked for 2 weeks. In this time I found out he's falling in love and wants to start a relationship with her.. Completely crushed. Now I know I could have sucked it up and survived it. But the initial shock of it all was unreasnably dramatic. I'm planning on staying NC for at least 6 months, or until I'm over completely over him (which ever one comes 2nd) This is a good time to clear your head, reflect, and relax. Go over all the points with yourself, live alittle on your own and see how things come out. I'm figuring after I'm over him, I'm not going to have an urge to call him and be friends... but just know we are here for you. best of luck.
Quinch Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 One of my ex-girlfriends asked to be friends after we broke up and it seemed like a good idea at the time. But then she immediately got a new boyfriend and started telling me about their sex life as if I wanted to hear that. I broke all contact with her pretty quick. Another ex-g/f and I didn't speak for over four years until last year when she suddenly sent me an email asking for friendship. We're now get on really well and I count her among my best friends. She has a new b/f and I'm happy for her because she at least treated me with tact and respect.
Author xprettyinpinkx Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 (edited) Thanks teanoranges and sorry to hear that you are in the same situation. I guess one of the reasons I was so desperate to get out, is the fear he was going to meet someone else and I didn't want to stick around to see that happening. He claimed he wasn't looking for anyone, that if he was going to meet someone, he would have done so before now. But I know he is very active on dating and social network sites, so it could happen anytime and I'd have been hurt. Throughout the several months, he was giving off mixed messages all of the time, but his words were never backed up with action. But still, I hung around and hoping things would change....they didn't. He seemed happy enough, to have me as a phone buddy. We are long distance, but not that far he couldn't have jumped into his car and come and see me. He tried desperately to hang onto what we have, but I was hearing none of it. I ended up putting the phone down on him. He then sent a not so nice mail. I guess he wasn't too happy with my decision and normally whereas he'd plague me when I tried to break it off, this time he hasn't....he's left me alone. I was fine all last week, now it's starting to take its toll on me I guess in the long run it will be for the best. Thanks for sharing your story anyway Edited November 25, 2009 by xprettyinpinkx
redplanet Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Dear xprettyinpinkx. I completely understand how difficult this is for you and completely sympathise. I truly thought I could remain the best of friends with the person who I have known since I was a teenager (am now 49) - we fell in love in 2005 but when I went away at the end of last year for a few months, he left his W and fell in love with someone else (had always said if ever he left W, we would be together). Have been trying on and off between bouts of NC all year to stay friends. He keeps breaking NC that I initiate but I then respond to him, then realise how my inability to not respond is so incredibly detrimental to my wellbeing - Must be stronger and not respond. I have noticed I am gradually going backwards rather than forward with all this and it's absolutely crippling me. So do whatever you can to remain strong enough in yourself to not contact him. I know it's extremely difficult, but please please do not become paralysed like me. I read recently on another thread about the severing of one's arm. Better to have a clean cut initially painful as that may be, but it wont last as long as the continual pain of staying in it and have a slow and painful minced and crippled arm/body/mind. I encourage you to block any form of contact numbers, email etc and take it one day at a time (must follow my own advice). best wishes to you at this difficult time.
Author xprettyinpinkx Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 One of my ex-girlfriends asked to be friends after we broke up and it seemed like a good idea at the time. But then she immediately got a new boyfriend and started telling me about their sex life as if I wanted to hear that. I broke all contact with her pretty quick. Another ex-g/f and I didn't speak for over four years until last year when she suddenly sent me an email asking for friendship. We're now get on really well and I count her among my best friends. She has a new b/f and I'm happy for her because she at least treated me with tact and respect. Friends is never easy and immediatley after a split. We were a total of 2 months NC and immediately after our split. Just as I was starting to move on, he returns. At that point, I could take him or leave him. But as the months have gone by, the feelings came back and I just cannot be friends anymore and despite he is the greatest guy I've ever know and we shared everything....as much as I want to be his friend, I just can't do it anymore I just wish I'd been a lot more clearer in my reasons as to why I was doing this, because I don't feel I was.
Author xprettyinpinkx Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 Dear xprettyinpinkx. I completely understand how difficult this is for you and completely sympathise. I truly thought I could remain the best of friends with the person who I have known since I was a teenager (am now 49) - we fell in love in 2005 but when I went away at the end of last year for a few months, he left his W and fell in love with someone else (had always said if ever he left W, we would be together). Have been trying on and off between bouts of NC all year to stay friends. He keeps breaking NC that I initiate but I then respond to him, then realise how my inability to not respond is so incredibly detrimental to my wellbeing - Must be stronger and not respond. I have noticed I am gradually going backwards rather than forward with all this and it's absolutely crippling me. So do whatever you can to remain strong enough in yourself to not contact him. I know it's extremely difficult, but please please do not become paralysed like me. I read recently on another thread about the severing of one's arm. Better to have a clean cut initially painful as that may be, but it wont last as long as the continual pain of staying in it and have a slow and painful minced and crippled arm/body/mind. I encourage you to block any form of contact numbers, email etc and take it one day at a time (must follow my own advice). best wishes to you at this difficult time. Thanks redplanet Yes, I'd assumed a clean cut would be better and that is why I opted for that and intend to stick to it. Other times I've gone back, but that is because like your ex, he will plague me and show up on different profiles I have and send messages. I have deleted a profile from a site I was very active on and because he is there. But I suspect he will leave me well alone now and because in his mail he'd said that he'd deleted my numbers, emails and everything and he was done with me. So we have both decided NC it would appear.
jlr Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I'm in this situation now. After breaking up a year ago, we started hanging out a few months later. But it quickly got back to being like a relationship. She got freaked out, bailed, found some dude. Then a month or 2 ago, she popped back up. Things weren't going well. She wanted to be "friends." It's now become hard. She tells me things I don't want to know. She talks about our relationship like it was with someone else. It's pretty unbearable. I'm mustering up the courage to cut the ties. For good this time.
sean1970 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 (edited) Almost identical situation... I guess one of the reasons I was so desperate to get out, is the fear he was going to meet someone else and I didn't want to stick around to see that happening. He claimed he wasn't looking for anyone, that if he was going to meet someone, he would have done so before now. But I know he is very active on dating and social network sites, so it could happen anytime and I'd have been hurt. Let me tell you, there is nothing... nothing more painful than seeing your ex advertising themselves on a dating site. You did the right thing getting out before you had seen this. Throughout the several months, he was giving off mixed messages all of the time, but his words were never backed up with action. But still, I hung around and hoping things would change....they didn't. He seemed happy enough, to have me as a phone buddy. We are long distance, but not that far he couldn't have jumped into his car and come and see me. I told my Aunt not to worry about breadcrumbs for the Thanksgiving Turkey stuffing. I have a truck load from the ex... Heartache and anger often wrestled inside me for the things she told me and I ate up. She lives 4 hours away so I know what it is like to get along LD. I was fine all last week, now it's starting to take its toll on me I lost it this last weekend... Balled like I invented the process. Here is a video of what I looked like... Crying We all ride the waves. Hang in there, we are here when you need us... Edited November 25, 2009 by sean1970
trueblue72ny Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I have been presented with the same offer. would you mind being demoted to friends while I look for someone else. And in the meantime I can screw with your head!! NOT. I went back and forth with my ex gf for over a year with this. And each time I thought it was another chance to get back. all it turned out to be was wasting my time when I could have been working on myself, my new life and looking for someone else who wants to be a part of my life. My ex, she still contacts me to this day. I give her, her little ego boost to get her out of my hair. And that is usually enough to give me a little breathing room for a couple months, until next time. Eventually she will just go away. You can not be friends with your ex if you still have feelings for them. Period. In my case I feel like mine was such a jerk I don’t want to be friends with her. Also here is a thought, do you really want to hear about their new relationship? I would guess no. If I were you I would continue NC, birthday, or not. I don’t care if his dog gets run over. Stick to it and help yourself!
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