samsungxoxo Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Frankly I don't see what's up with some choosing the ''working it out'' process only with no punishment at all. My way if I took a cheater back This might sound kind of weird but the way I see if I were to ''hypothetically'' take back a cheater, I would so after I have secretly cheated back at him. Then off course make him work for what he's done, while inside I get to laugh. After all, in that case he deserves it. In my thoughts I imagine something like this ''Well, I'm making you pay for it now while lol, I did the same but I ain't never telling dummy''. My ways for dumping cheating.. the options I would consider A) However in the more realistic event, off course I would dump him. But first, I would cheat back at him (depending on what level of cheating he did and off course used protection if needed). String him for another few weeks or so, make him believe I'm in the ''rebuilding process'', and finally dump him for good. B) Bring a man and have him watch me doing the same exactly cheating he did with other girl, string him along... thinking I'm working towards forgiving him and finally dump him C) Dump him but in some occassions use him as a toy to play with, making him believe I will come back but never will D) Do anything with him (from getting laid with protection usedor kissing, whatever) while taking pictures of him... posted mean things on facebook or anywhere else online about him.. making his reputation go down... orrr E) Dump him but make him believe I will get back with him, use him for money for a while and then ditched him for good...
norajane Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Most people who are cheated on, especially in a marriage or long term relationship, actually love and are in love with the cheater. And they are terribly hurt by the cheater. So while revenge cheating might seem appealing, it doesn't take away the hurt and the feeling of having the world turned upside down all of a sudden. But hey, at least you have a plan.
jnj express Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 IMHO, for your own respectability do not have a revenge affair. Just get your divorce and move on, also you need to be very careful of who you hook up with and bring into your life, there are a whole lot of crazies out there that once you hook up with them, they just don't go away when you decide to stop. You now have to deal with them and their life, as part of your life, and believe me that can be a very bad thing.
2.50 a gallon Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 It sure worked for me. For the first couple of weeks after D-day, I was totally devastated, the affair, got me out of the pit, I reclaimed my manhood, rediscovered that I was still attractive to the opposite sex. The XW came storming back, wanting to reconcile, even more so when she figured out who my partner was. It still hurt, it was still black, but I was more in control, and it made it easier for me to tell her it was over. I must of done something right as she continued to pursue for the next 3 - 4 years. And it is one of the most erotic memories I have. Think of it, an associate OM listening to me with his wife, and him pounding on the shared wall telling us to quiet down as he needed his sleep, not knowing that it was his wife. Yes I believe in revenge affairs, as it made the ex jealous, and gave her a taste of the pit.
MadMission Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Well....it depends on the BS. There are many reasons WHY a BS would not cheat: Some do not have it in them to lie, manipulate, and be deceptive. Some do not have it in them to be vengeful and spiteful. Some do not have it in them to reduce themselves to a piece of meat to be used by another person to 'get off' and be tossed aside. Some have an aversion to using people. Some wouldn't compromise their own values and morals. Some choose to not allow their WS's behaviors to influence their own in ways which cheapen them and reduce them to being just another cheater. Some have dignity and self-respect. It is just not 'in' some people to cheat, no matter what the situation or circumstances....cheating would never be looked at as a positive, productive behavior. Some do not enjoy sex without an emotional connection because it feels shallow and empty. Some do not ever want to risk getting an STD. Etc. Etc. .....and dito what Norajane said.
1Angel Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Revenge affairs aside some of the things in samsungxoxo's post are really funny. It's probably best to keep them in fantasy though not real action.
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 Most people who are cheated on, especially in a marriage or long term relationship, actually love and are in love with the cheater. And they are terribly hurt by the cheater. So while revenge cheating might seem appealing, it doesn't take away the hurt and the feeling of having the world turned upside down all of a sudden. For me it sure would take away the emotional distress. I think it would feel like I no longer have to actually deal with the aftermath of discovery. It makes sense, they had their own secret satisfaction so I can now explore somewhere else too. But hey, at least you have a plan. Yup I would always make sure I come in handy. I think that the many people staying after cheating took place must be gold-hearted by nature. I'm not, I like getting even..
Ross PK Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Nothing wrong with cheating back at all. But if you want to work things out with him, it'd be best to not bother, or at least to make sure you don't get caught.
bentnotbroken Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 A better question for me would be, what's right about cheating? Whether it is to get even or just to feel desired? What could something so negative offer in the way of positives?
Ross PK Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 A better question for me would be, what's right about cheating? Whether it is to get even or just to feel desired? What could something so negative offer in the way of positives? Because it serves the cheater right, may make him less likey to cheat on you or someone else again, and it will make you feel better after him making you feel down.
eeyore1981 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Thank you so much for this thread. I have been struggling with this for quite some time. I love my husband, and I don't want to get a divorce. However, his non-stop lying is slowly but surely driving me crazy. What positive can come from a revenge affair? I can only speak for me, but if I could bring myself to actually do it, his inability to tell the truth would no longer bother me, as I would have secrets of my own. As lowlife as it may strike some people, yes, I would feel somewhat EVEN, which, right or wrong, is now something very, very important to me. Some of you think we shouldn't let the affair control our actions, but I don't know how to make that happen. I was a trusting person, and now I am suspicious, and paranoid, and hurt and betrayed. I hate how I feel, and I am so effing pissed off about it. I want it to go away. I've given my H over 2 years now to quit mindf**king me, and he just carries on. I could leave, and right now have plans to, but if I leave without striking back, I am going to resent it until the end of time. I never thought about cheating on him, no matter how many times guys hit on me, it was just something so far out there for me, because I didn't want to be with anyone else, no matter how bad things in our marriage were. Apparently H didn't feel the same way, and in a lot of ways, it's like he decided we had an open marriage, and didn't let me in on the secret. So now, I can't help it, I feel like if he gets to go out and be with someone else, why can't I? There has been way too much in my marriage that hasn't been fair to me, and now I am almost obsessed with getting some balance, whether the marriage survives it or not, especially since the marriage is not surviving anyway. Wow, I am really filled with anger today.
MadMission Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 may make him less likey to cheat on you or someone else again Totally NOT true...especially if he has the same tit-for-tat mentality as you have. it will make you feel better after him making you feel down. No, actually, I think I would feel disgusted with myself for having lowered myself to doing the same disturbing, immature, shallow, selfish thing. People are different...and maybe YOU would feel good about it, but MANY would not.
GorillaTheater Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 It sure worked for me. For the first couple of weeks after D-day, I was totally devastated, the affair, got me out of the pit, I reclaimed my manhood, rediscovered that I was still attractive to the opposite sex. The XW came storming back, wanting to reconcile, even more so when she figured out who my partner was. It still hurt, it was still black, but I was more in control, and it made it easier for me to tell her it was over. I must of done something right as she continued to pursue for the next 3 - 4 years. And it is one of the most erotic memories I have. Think of it, an associate OM listening to me with his wife, and him pounding on the shared wall telling us to quiet down as he needed his sleep, not knowing that it was his wife. Yes I believe in revenge affairs, as it made the ex jealous, and gave her a taste of the pit. I would do it to speed my own healing; to break out of the "victim mode". That, and the fact that I'm a vengeful SOB. And if it was the OM's wife, it would just be that much sweeter. Interesting thread along those lines: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t164208/
jwi71 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Frankly I don't see what's up with some choosing the ''working it out'' process only with no punishment at all. My way if I took a cheater back This might sound kind of weird but the way I see if I were to ''hypothetically'' take back a cheater, I would so after I have secretly cheated back at him. Then off course make him work for what he's done, while inside I get to laugh. After all, in that case he deserves it. In my thoughts I imagine something like this ''Well, I'm making you pay for it now while lol, I did the same but I ain't never telling dummy''. My ways for dumping cheating.. the options I would consider A) However in the more realistic event, off course I would dump him. But first, I would cheat back at him (depending on what level of cheating he did and off course used protection if needed). String him for another few weeks or so, make him believe I'm in the ''rebuilding process'', and finally dump him for good. B) Bring a man and have him watch me doing the same exactly cheating he did with other girl, string him along... thinking I'm working towards forgiving him and finally dump him C) Dump him but in some occassions use him as a toy to play with, making him believe I will come back but never will D) Do anything with him (from getting laid with protection usedor kissing, whatever) while taking pictures of him... posted mean things on facebook or anywhere else online about him.. making his reputation go down... orrr E) Dump him but make him believe I will get back with him, use him for money for a while and then ditched him for good... What's wrong with a revenge A? Everything that is wrong with a what..."regular" A. The crux, to me, is the word revenge. That it somehow makes it better or right. That your A is deserved. Guess what...all cheaters feel they deserve it. Congratulations on lowering yourself to his level - perhaps lower. And really, if you don't tell the WS of your deed the only thing suffering is your dignity. Your morals. Your self respect. He isn't hurting because he doesn't know. Almost sad to see one selling themselves out for nothing. Revenge is the weak pleasure of a weak mind.
Ross PK Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Totally NOT true...especially if he has the same tit-for-tat mentality as you have. Doesn't matter if he has the tit for tat mentality as you call it/the desire to stick up for yourself is what I'd call it. He's less likely to do it if he knows the same would happen to him. No, actually, I think I would feel disgusted with myself for having lowered myself to doing the same disturbing, immature, shallow, selfish thing. *Facepalm* Well myself and MANY people wouldn't feel that we have lowered ourselves, as we don't see sticking up for ourselves as disturbing, immature, shallow or selfish. I mean really, couldn't you have gone any more over the top. As you said, people are different and maybe YOU'd feel bad about it, but most people wouldn't. Really, it's your kind of mentality as to why Britian wont save those 2 innocent elderly British hostiges who have been captured by those ******* pirates and are in danger. Britain could send in the SAS or whatever, but they wont, as they care about the pirates 'human rights' and think they may end up suffering. Okay, I'm not going to argue about this any further as I really can't be bothered. I've said my piece.
bentnotbroken Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Because it serves the cheater right, may make him less likey to cheat on you or someone else again, and it will make you feel better after him making you feel down. So let me get this straight. It will make you feel better to lower your personal standards to that of someone who showed they had no dignity and respect for themselves and others. So if I showed no dignity and respect for myself or anyone else it would serve the cheater right? If I hurt my family, my children and my reputation, it would serve the cheater right? Maybe I need to go break into the house of the guy who robbed mine. It would serve him right, make him less likely to steal again and it will make me feel better. Good deal.
Ross PK Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 (edited) I'd feel like I'd have lowered myself and showed no dignity or respect for myself by being a doormat. Not that I'm saying that you'd be a doormat to not cheat on your partner back, but I'm just talking about in general. But keep on thinking that way, if that's what you need to do to make yourself feel better. It's well known that not standing up for yourself lowers your self esteem, confidence, and it makes it hard for people to have as much respect for you. I'm sorry but people like you who have those opinions may be in the majority on here (so I don't even know why I'm bothering arguing), but you're in the minority in the real world. Edited November 25, 2009 by Ross PK
eeyore1981 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Speaking only for myself, I don't feel like an affair is something I deserve. I don't think if I cheated it would be somehow more noble or honorable than anyone else cheating, but I also don't think it is any worse. I didn't ask for this, and I didn't do anything to deserve it, but I got it anyway. Maybe it's true, maybe I would lose my dignity if I had an affair, but I can't see how my dignity has done me any good at all, I feel like crap. So what, I can look at H today and think, "I am so much better than you, I have never done any of these things to you." That's not something I have ever gotten off on, feeling superior to others. The truth is, I am hurting so much, way more than he ever thought about hurting about anything, and I need a break. And you know why I am hurting so much, it's because I haven't been selfish, I've put everyone's 'needs' above my own. I've seen so much on here about cheaters being human, well, guess what, I am human, too. I have feelings, too. My feelings should not always take a backseat to everyone else's.
FreezorBurn Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 After my D-Day, I have had a desire to have a affair, Not to "get even" but to feel good and finally have enjoyable sex with a women that is not my damn cheating wife! I still have anger to her and sex with her is not the same anymore. Given the oppertunity and the right girl I would cheat. I never would have done this before but after her affair now I would cheat on her. I don't know how so many people find the TIME TO CHEAT?
Trimmer Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Well myself and MANY people wouldn't feel that we have lowered ourselves, as we don't see sticking up for ourselves as disturbing, immature, shallow or selfish. I mean really, couldn't you have gone any more over the top. As you said, people are different and maybe YOU'd feel bad about it, but most people wouldn't. A fascinating parallel - when BS on here claim that they "would never cheat," they are sometimes told "never say never - you can't predict, you don't know how you will feel or react when presented with a given emotionally intense situation..." or something to that effect. I know you believe the revenge fantasy would somehow take away your pain and make you "feel better," and it's not at all hard to understand why you would feel that way. However, that's such an emotionally twisted time, that I believe there's no way you can predict, in advance, just how that scenario would affect you, and it's such a complex dynamic that I don't believe the probability of a healthy, "feel better" outcome is very much assured. On the other hand, maybe I have to grant that if the depth of one's emotional investment is so shallow that after being hurt by the worst imaginable betrayal one can suffer in a relationship, all it takes to "feel better" is to quickly strike back in-kind, then maybe you've got a point - for a shallow relationship. Whether that's true for "the majority" of relationships out there, I don't know; I don't presume that my opinion is in the majority, but I don't believe that yours is, either.
RedDevil66 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Revenge is on the same low level as cheating. Now having said that, the pain of being cheated on makes one not think with any rational. In the end, the best way to heal is to move up the ladder and not down. Every human dreams of revenge. I can tell you, when one leaves revenge to karma, the revenge is much more powerful and in the process, you don't lower yourself. Actions are based on spiritual maturity
eeyore1981 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 A fascinating parallel - when BS on here claim that they "would never cheat," they are sometimes told "never say never - you can't predict, you don't know how you will feel or react when presented with a given emotionally intense situation..." or something to that effect. I know you believe the revenge fantasy would somehow take away your pain and make you "feel better," and it's not at all hard to understand why you would feel that way. However, that's such an emotionally twisted time, that I believe there's no way you can predict, in advance, just how that scenario would affect you, and it's such a complex dynamic that I don't believe the probability of a healthy, "feel better" outcome is very much assured. On the other hand, maybe I have to grant that if the depth of one's emotional investment is so shallow that after being hurt by the worst imaginable betrayal one can suffer in a relationship, all it takes to "feel better" is to quickly strike back in-kind, then maybe you've got a point - for a shallow relationship. Whether that's true for "the majority" of relationships out there, I don't know; I don't presume that my opinion is in the majority, but I don't believe that yours is, either. BBM I realize this isn't addressed to me, but I'm going to respond anyway. Having an affair is not "all it takes to feel better". Some honesty and ownership by my H would make me feel better, but that has not been forthcoming, and it's been over two years, so I can't see how this would be a 'quickly strike back' situation. If my emotional investment was shallow, I wouldn't still be here, and I wouldn't be feeling like this. No matter which way I look, it's all pain, pain, pain. I'm just so tired of feeling like this. I don't know what to do, everything I have tried so far has not made things any better for me.
Minnie09 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I also think that from a moral point of view, nothing's wrong with cheating back. It lets the other person feel what you feel and that's just fair. But guess what: Years ago I was cheated on, not only once, and found out about it. And I did take revenge. It's not that I planned it or anything, the occasion just came up six weeks after I had found out, I was at a bar with friends and it happened. ONS. And unlike my boyfriend, who had always been secretive about his affairs, I was upfront with him and told him bluntly. I said I loved him, but what he had done to me took all my self-esteem away, and I just felt strong being wanted by another guy, especially after that traumatic experience. I thought he would understand, feel the pain that I felt and would be ready to move on. But he wasn't. He said he couldn't take it. Said I was cold hearted. Doubted my love for him etc. Relationship was over. I am still asking myself - 10 years later - what the hell was going on in his mind? How dare he? Hurting and violating the trust of the love of his life and then calling it quits? Are you kidding me? I was devastated, but I still don't get it. You can't expect people to follow rules if you don't follow them yourself, right?
Trimmer Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I realize this isn't addressed to me, but I'm going to respond anyway. Having an affair is not "all it takes to feel better". Some honesty and ownership by my H would make me feel better, but that has not been forthcoming, and it's been over two years, so I can't see how this would be a 'quickly strike back' situation. If my emotional investment was shallow, I wouldn't still be here, and I wouldn't be feeling like this. No matter which way I look, it's all pain, pain, pain. I'm just so tired of feeling like this. I don't know what to do, everything I have tried so far has not made things any better for me. Actually, it was addressing RossPK's points, and I was speaking to his pretty direct implication that it would make him feel better and be a necessary step on the way to "not being a doormat..." Actually, I see your situation differently, as he is talking about revenge, striking back to make himself feel better, and his assurance that this would be effective. I have great empathy for your situation, as you are in pain, and trying to figure out something, anything to help your recovery, anything to feel wanted, desired and whole again. I get that, and I also see that you find yourself here as a "last resort", not a first strike response. I don't believe your relationship is shallow, and I'm sorry if you felt that implication. Incidentally unlike the OP or RossPK who are just speculating how they would feel in that situation, I've been there too, as you are now. And yes, I considered what it would feel like and whether I 'deserved' to be able to go out and have some exciting, illicit fun like she did, whether it would make me feel better about myself, whether hurting her would even the score and bring us back to neutral ground, whether doing it with the OM's wife would add an extra element of bringing everything right with the universe. For me, I decided it would probably f*** me up even more than I already was, and I eventually got myself back, and my life back, without having to destroy something else to do it. It wasn't about holding the "I'm superior" card - although I do understand what you are saying about that - it was about not turning myself into a reaction of her bad decisions, but deciding who I wanted to be as an individual on my own terms.
threebyfate Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Truth be told, in a situation of being cheated on, revenge is sweet. But revenge cheating lowers you to the same level as the cheater. No go.
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