DenverBachelor Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 First of all, this goes out to all the dumpees who didn't cheat or commit a serious offence against their ex. This goes out to all the dumpees who truly loved their ex with all their heart and would have stuck by them through the darkest of storms -- through the worst of the worst. This is to all the dumpees who are selfless at their core and honestly believe that their ex made a genuine mistake for breaking up. The first thing I have to say is that it is unfortunate. Trust me, I know. I lived with her for a year and she was my closest friend for seven years. I moved across the country to be with her. I stuck by her side during her episodes of depression and weeks without sex because of it. Terminating our bond was never an option in my mind -- because I believe in fighting the long fight. Alas, the decision to breakup was hers to make because it takes two people to make a relationship. Will I forever think she made a mistake. Yes. Will she? I don't know. But it was ultimately her decision and she made it, acted upon it and today we're in two separate places when, in my heart, I felt we could have worked on the problems and remained a team. At first, the rejection was personal. She was the closest person to me in my life. So much so that I neglected friends and family. We lived together -- we saw each other every day. We shared a lot of great memories. After the breakup, I spent a lot of time running through the memories and the mistakes that I felt I had made at the time. I yelled at her at times -- I was impatient -- my ego often refused to back down during arguments. But in retrospect, the arguments were over minor things but my pride was too large to let some of them go. I screwed up on a lot of occasions. I made a lot of stupid mistakes. One of the thoughts that kept reoccurring in my mind after the breakup was how all of these little mistakes added up to the death knell of our relationship. I don't know if it even would have mattered because I am not in her state of mind or in her heart. As God as my witness, we didn't have any fatal flaws in our relationship that I saw -- but apparently she saw one or a few that lead to her decision. When you are in a relationship with someone, two people in essence become a functioning whole. There is a lot of give and take that constantly goes on. When the relationship ends, your identity is lost. You are now a single individual. Nobody comes home to you anymore. Nor do you go home to anyone. It absolutely hurts and I can understand a lot of the pain people feel when they come here. But the reason for my post -- and this goes to the dumpees that have a large heart and have never cheated or mislead their ex's -- you are a special breed. At some point during my grieving, I realized something that was pivotal to accelerate my healing. I realized I was a good man. I was a man with a huge heart -- intelligent, funny, giving, compassionate, understanding. I realized I was in the top 1% of guys out there. I realized that the selfless love I gave her transcended and superseded anything she had ever experienced in her past. She even alluded to that fact with comments like, "I've never been in a position to have a man take care of me like you have." So when the relationship came to that fork in the road -- one road leading to marriage and life together and the other leading to separation, it hit me hard. It was October 11'th and I remember standing at that fork while she walked down one road and I called out to her and pleaded that she not go down that road. She continued to walk -- I stood at that fork where I stood for a long time. I believe a lot of people stand at that fork feeling abandoned, confused and isolated. There is no experience in life that one will ever have a harder time coming to grips over than watching someone that you embraced with all your heart ... and I mean ALL OF YOUR HEART ... walking down a path that you feel with all your being is the wrong one. I watched her walk down that path and becoming more distant until she was just a speck on the horizon -- and then even that speck was gone. I still stood there at the fork in the road. Behind me I saw two sets of footprints and I got down on my knees and I cried. I cried HARD. I cried long into the night. That was the only thing left that I had left of her -- footprints in the sand that we had walked together up until this fork. But eventually I realized I could not stand at this fork forever. I needed to go down my path. I'd walk a few steps down the path she didn't take and I'd stop and break down again. Those footprints were the only thing left and if I kept walking, even those would be gone. I realized, however, that I was a GOOD person. I was a STRONG person. And this experience would enrich me in ways I couldn't possibly understand. Once I started walking down my path, I would realize something extremely important. Since I had so much love in my heart, I realized that by walking with her for so long, a piece of her would always be with me. I didn't need footprints in the sand, because time and wind and rain would eventually erase them. I had what I needed in my heart. I had the love from the both of us and now it was MY burden to carry that with me. I was solely responsible for carrying that burden and since my heart was so large, I knew I could do it. So I started walking down my path. So in essence, I think a lot of the pain that people experience is symbolic to standing at that fork and looking for meaning when it was always inside them the entire time. You can't stagnate forever. Eventually you will need to start walking your path. If your heart was pure and you truly loved him or her with all of your heart, then this goes out to you. You're a special breed and you need to smile and realize how extremely precious you are. There is only a fraction of a fraction of people in this world that can feel to the depths you do. You wouldn't have come here if you didn't care. You DO care and you can LOVE unconditionally. That puts you in a special place and no matter where the journey takes you, you always have that love in your heart. You have a heart big enough to carry the love of two so get walking and move on. 1
USMCHokie Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Thanks denver, this is a very comforting post...I really appreciate it... The thing that hurts the most is that my ex knew that I was a good man...she said time and time again that no one treated her as well as I did, felt the way that I did, made me feel the way she did...and yes, I too think she made a mistake to leave...and it's an interesting idea you bring up of carrying the love of two in you...if your heart is big enough and strong enough... Thanks again...
WTFO Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Thanks denver, this is a very comforting post...I really appreciate it... The thing that hurts the most is that my ex knew that I was a good man...she said time and time again that no one treated her as well as I did, felt the way that I did, made me feel the way she did...and yes, I too think she made a mistake to leave...and it's an interesting idea you bring up of carrying the love of two in you...if your heart is big enough and strong enough... Thanks again... Very nice. Man there is alot of dust in my eye.
Tamia78 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I know this is from a man's point of view, but I can definitely see it applying to women as well. We are good people, it just takes another good person to see it. I hope that happens for all of us. GREAT post. --T
PinkToes Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 You have a heart big enough to carry the love of two so get walking and move on. This sentence is huge. Whatever strength we were willing & able to rely on to sustain our relationships really is still there, beneath the pain of loss. Thank you for the reminder.
soheartbroken Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 This is a great post. Like others, I loved this line: I had the love from the both of us and now it was MY burden to carry that with me. I was solely responsible for carrying that burden and since my heart was so large, I knew I could do it. I've done A LOT of thinking these past few months, but this never occurred to me. The burden of still loving usually is on the one who is left behind, isn't it? The dumper seems to throw out the love pretty quickly.
LostInLA Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 This is a beautiful post, truly beautiful.
nobmagnet Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 i have never read anything so beutiful. I am in floods of tears but not sad tears. Thank you for sharing that with us all what an amazing man you are.x
ItsAllGoodAgain Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Word!!! Someday, somewhere along this path someone will appreiciate my heart. When I truly love someone and care for them, I do it with all of me. Not bits and pieces, but every ounce of me. I know that those of us who feel this are very rare. However, we can easily be taken advantage of if we're not careful. This is why it is so important to go through some of lifes pit falls. Heartache being one of them. Live and learn!!! Stay strong, be humble and don't stop loving. The world needs us!!!
HeavenOrHell Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Heartfelt post, thank you for sharing...
Author DenverBachelor Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 Why can't I meet a man you like? I don't really like men -- more into women
nobmagnet Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 i have read your post 4 times today. yes i agree with red cloud i wish i could meet a MAN like you. heaven sent i say xx
mickleb Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I don't really like men -- more into women Funny and wise. That's how us ladies like 'em! Great post, DB. As Taucher said recently: we are the best dumpees in the WORLD! Aw, I love us! x
EskimoPassingBy Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Thanks for posting your story DB. I've also passed grieving over the loss of her. From all the stories I read, it seems that most dumpees here are good people and being dumped is definitely not our loss .
blackbear_703 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 That was amazing! Thanks for sharing that! After reading your post it made me realize that the break-up wasn't completely my loss and I can share that love and strength with another person when I'm ready. I'll be sure to read this more than once!
blackbear_703 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 That was amazing! Thanks for sharing that! After reading your post it made me realize that the break-up wasn't completely my loss and I can share that love and strength with another person when I'm ready. I'll be sure to read this more than once!
XKatieX Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 This post couldn't be more true. Some people may not ever experience unconditional love, but for those that have are the ones that truly care and will show to be the better person in the end no matter what. I wish my ex would feel unconditionally about me, the way I feel about him. It's a hard thing to cope with but you just have to set them free and as you put very well, go your own path and find someone who will stick with you till the end. Never give up until you find that person! Great post
Template Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 <sniff><sniff> wAAAAAAH! Hehe. It was a very touching write up. I'd like to think at one point I was a member of that exclusive 1% club, but I'm not anymore, and I do APPLAUD everyon, men and women, who are still truly, and forever members of it. However, being in this position means opening up your heart, and unconditionally letting people in, and that means the pain. I'm done with the pain. I've been in this position before, and my EX made me trust her, convinced me that she's not like the others that betrayed me before, and that I could trust her to open up myself again. I trusted myself to trust her, and I was wrong. I sincerely hope that one day, I'll be man again to be that description in that beautiful essay you wrote, but there's a layer of battle scars to go through. It's not fair, and not for me, but for the next woman that may come along. Am I a great guy capable of giving and receiving love that transcends all boundaries? I'd like to think so. Am I willing to let that guy out? Not really... If I can't trust myself, I can't trust someone to tell me to trust them.
TimH Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Yep I was that guy the OP talks of,I give 100% unconditionally like so many on here did.The part I really hate about this though is,like cops and robbers, good guys vs bad guys,the bad guy's always pay for their mistakes.In other words although I don't want revenge,I do wish so badly the cheaters,the walker outs,the ones that could care less would somehow have to eventually face the pain,feel the pain,regret it,all that and more just so it would help them not repeat the same behaviors,so they could realize and awaken to their actions so as to allow them to be part of the positive rather than the negative in later relationships.I would assume they repeat these negative behaviors into their next and their next mates.Like predators,always hungry to destroy their prey.The bad guy always wins.It sucks.
New_Life08 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 "When I truly love someone and care for them, I do it with all of me. Not bits and pieces, but every ounce of me. I know that those of us who feel this are very rare." Amen to that friend! If a person feels it's a sacrifice to be completely committed to their partner then they don't know what love is. I am sorry for your loss and glad to hear you are moving on. The pain of an unexpected break up has been compared to the grief of a death. Great post, hang in there.
Sukichan Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Wow, DB, that's such a beautiful OP. Thank you for posting that up, brightened my day =)
Lovestinks76 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Bravo. Easily the best post I have ever read on LS. Thanks for taking the time to put so much of your mind and heart into this one. It should be required reading.
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