billy356 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Hello, first post here, searching for ..well...anything really I am going through a very difficult time with a breakup that occurred 2 weeks ago today. My gf and I were together for 5 years, 3 years ago we moved from the East Coast to the West Coast and this past June we opened a business together., a great coffee shop on an island off the coast of WA. She is 24 and I am 34 (yes I know this will be commented on frequently) 2 weeks ago she told me that she wanted to go home to MA. She had been wanting to go home for a while but at the same time kept agreeing to stay and we talked about that specifically when we talked about opening the coffee shop. She provided no timeline, no reasons other than she has been miserable and no solutions on what to do with the business of which she was a 50% partner. She told me that "I would figure it out". I of course got angry and told her that she had to get out of our house within 72 hours if she wasnt going to take any responsibility for the common expenses that she was running on. I apologized the next day for that deadline, saying I had no right to do that but it turns out she had already that day made arrangements for her father to fly out and help her move back and that she was leaving in 2 days! After she left I saw emails between her and a guy from back home who she apparently had a sex-less fling with while she was on a 3 day vacation in August for a wedding. After apologizing for apparently stopping the fling at some point she proceeded to exchange flirty relationship-starting emails throughout the rest of the time. She did mention that she had a bf and that is why she stopped at the wedding but she also said she was unhappy at where she was and who she was with. I stopped myself from reading all of it when I realized what I was reading. Now I am left here alone, being forced to close the coffee shop because without her help I cannot financially or physically keep it open. I am being "forced" by circumstances to return home myself, to figure out what to do next. I cant stop thinking about her and the other guy, now that they are within an hour of each other I know they are together in some respect. I want her to feel the pain that I am feeling. I am mad about how she could just run away and I am forced to work in our shop, deal with the small community that we live in, answering questions..etc... I am having a much harder time dealing with this breakup than any other in my past. I find myself actually thinking about being back together with her even though intellectually i know that would be ridiculous after what she has done to me. Not to mention that I wasnt thinking highly of the relationship for the past 6 months, but I attributed it to the stresses of opening a new business together. Being 35 and soon to be unemployed after giving up a promising career to open up the shop is also not helping. Moving back home and crashing with mom for a couple of weeks is also not a bright spot. She has sent me 2 emails both regarding our shared cell phone account as I had asked her to release my number. She actually said she would tell me the balance due on my phone! After she walked out on over 10,000 of money she owes to our business and house lease! I have not replied other than to answer a question about what to do with her sirius radio which i did in a brief manner. Such a long post...i guess I just needed to get it all out. But why am I thinking I miss her?????arghhhh!!
TheLoneSock Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I say you fight through it any way possible. Find someone looking to invest, or partner in a business with you. Get your name out there in that small community; if it's close knit enough for everyone to be talking about your situation then there has to be someone that wouldn't mind making a business venture with you. I think you should stay on the west coast, continue your business and keep strong if at all possible. When people in your community ask, tell them the truth about her, plain and simple - but do it with strength and a backbone. I know it's hard, but you can't turn in your chips yet. It may have been a dream between the two of you, but now that dream is yours, own it. I wouldn't doubt the idea of you finding someone special in that town either. Your story has all the makings of a good movie anyway, it can happen. Guy and girl meet, fall in love, move to a far away place and start a life. Girl falls out of love, cheats, leaves the guy in a wet hole. Guy takes the pain, guy makes a comeback, guy makes his business successful and marrys a beautiful local girl, is happy - girl goes back home to be with guy #2, situation between them doesn't work out, girl realises grass isn't greener, too late though because guy (you) is happy and has moved on. The end. Get my drift? Walk strong!
mark982 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 i agree w/ lone sock. you're knuckling under without giving it a try. find a partner, work longer hours whatever you gotta do, but at least give it a fighting try
VeveCakes Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I'm really sorry you are going through this. It is probably a good thing she won't be near you though, it will make it easier for you to move on.
Author billy356 Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 I totally understand where you both are coming from and for 2 weeks that has been my plan, fight it out, make it work etc.. but there are a few additional factors at play. Keeping the shop open would require me to work 85 hrs a week, 7 days a week for the next 6 months. I know that this will be too much. Also, I wasnt committed to staying on this island even before we opened the shop. The plan was always to move back East, although under better circumstances of course. The decision about the business is one made with my head, not heart. The real issue is why I am feeling all of these feelings of loss when I shouldn't given what she has done to me. And how can another person just walk away from a commitment like that? All she had to do was stay until April and we could have taken an out in our lease and closed it down together if needed. I dont understand what was going through her head, I know she missed home tremendously but that plus a possible thing with a guy is enough to end a 5 yr relationship in this manner? I mean..wha wha?
VeveCakes Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 The real issue is why I am feeling all of these feelings of loss when I shouldn't given what she has done to me. And how can another person just walk away from a commitment like that? All she had to do was stay until April and we could have taken an out in our lease and closed it down together if needed. I dont understand what was going through her head, I know she missed home tremendously but that plus a possible thing with a guy is enough to end a 5 yr relationship in this manner? I mean..wha wha? It's natural to feel that way. Was this totally out of the blue? Were there no signs? She obviously felt she had to leave right at that moment. Whether that was validated or she was just being totally selfish is hard to know at this point without more information.
Author billy356 Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 I knew she was unhappy and wanted to go home but felt that these feelings were natural giving the stresses of opening the business. i expected to have a conversation with her when the lease came up for renewal in April in which she probably would leave and I would have decided what to do then (go with or not). After seeing some of the emails it was clear that she had been sort-of planning a departure for at least a few weeks and when in anger I said to get out in 72 hours if you arent going to try and help with the expenses you are leaving...i think that gave her the perfect opportunity to call home and say "billy is kicking me out, please help" it didnt matter that the very next day I apologized and said of course she can stay while we figure out what to do, she had already made arrangements. There was no precipitating events in those 3 weeks, not even a fight (which of course we did regularly with running the business together) her car broke down and that impacted our schedule quite a bit, but not a situation which we couldnt get past... She didnt want to talk over the situation either, just said "I'm going home"..and I think the use of "home" was pretty significant. She never said " I cant be with you anymore" or "I dont love you" or "I am breaking up with you" or even "I'm leaving"...it was "I am going home" And I think that is why my heart is having problems, we never actually said we were breaking up although I think it is very well implied here. i think sometimes you need to hear that to move on, to recognize the end. She couldnt even look me in the eye when we had our two discussions, didnt really say anything even though I was asking why and what about the business etc...she closed down. She even abandoned our dog too (although I am glad she didnt put up a fight on that one)
Author billy356 Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 and further on that 72 hour thing...i mean you would think that at 5 yrs if you were the girl you would be like "whoa...hold on cowboy, i know you are angry but let's take a step back" or at the very least i would expect a member of her family to say "hey, go stay at a friends house for a couple nights and go back and talk to him when the situation is cooled" I feel bad about saying that in anger but then again I dont, i mean she was leaving and said she had no plans on helping with the joint expenses. Plus I apologized the next day.....I think it played right into her ideal plan.
flosskel Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Yea, it definitely sounds like she had just been waiting for the perfect opportunity to bail. I really hope you manage to pull through this. Having family who own small businesses, I know it can be tough and a situation like yours can appear grim. You said that you'd have to work 80+ hours a week, do you think you could handle it? If I were you I'd at least give it a try. It definitely isn't easy(like I said, I have family with small businesses and some of them work hours close to that) but maybe it'd be worth the short-term hardships if it will leave you better off in the long-term. I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
mark982 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 billy, do you think people who have made a great business, just put in 40-60 hrs a week and went home? hell no-- they busted their rear ends to get where their at, had the whatever it took attidude. i do feel bad about your gf moving home,i truely do. but your going to be kicking yourself in your rear end if you let this chance pass you by. 85 hours a week isn't a extreme amount of hours(there's alot of us that do it).
blackbear_703 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Billy-- Whatever you do, don't give up on your dream. It might take a little extra effort in the short term and might be hard to go to work in the morning in the midst of the break-up, but in the long run things CAN get better for you and you can keep your coffee shop open. Don't let this dream go down the tubes because of her. Also keep in mind that there's a LOT of people out there looking for work right now, not to mention potential partners who can give a helping hand. It shouldn't be too hard to find extra help sooner or later once you get all the necessary cash, etc. Good luck getting through this and I hope everything works out for the best for you.
Author billy356 Posted November 28, 2009 Author Posted November 28, 2009 Thanks everyone for offering such supportive comments and encouragement on the business side of things. Rest assured that leaving the business is not a totally emotional decision. Truth of the matter is it is time to leave the island. Such a TINY community is good for a while but I have been here 8 years and it is time to go. I will open up another coffeeshop on the East Coast..that is for sure, and I will be in a place that is better for me personally and professionally. I proved here, in the training grounds of the San Juan Islands, that I have a great concept that people love. But right now I am being called somewhere else. And it is clear to me that while the breakup of a horrible relationship is causing me to see it, I can identify it for what it is and what it is not. It is a good change, it is not an emotional reaction to a careless woman's decision to run away. You can say in a sense I am giving up, but I plan to turn the shop over to someone who wants to be here and wants it to succeed. In the meantime I will travel east, return near to family and plan where I shall open up the next shop. I follow my head and gut in this decision, I have left my heart out of it as it is busy dealing with other issues at the moment. Days are easier now....T-day was tough and little things touch off reactions as they do with everyone going through this, but I have been able to reconnect with old friends through this and that is great. I have even reconnected with a former epic-history ex and actually "debriefed" our rather dramatic breakup 5 years ago. That process was inexplicably helpful. It was like I was almost talking to the current ex, but there wasnt that gut wrenching emotion that would go with it. I was able to hear her say she was sorry for what she did (which was nothing in comparison to what recently happened). It was all etheral and surreal and very positive. SO very hard to explain, but very good. Thanks again everyone, I will continue to post how things go...it is great to be a member here....
blackbear_703 Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 I'm so glad to hear you're following your heart and are making the choice you feel is right for your dreams and your future Billy. It can be difficult staying in one small town where you have no family that's for sure. I'm sure you'll do just as well on the East Coast! It's also a good thing you reconnected with old friends and an old flame. It's amazing how Time gives us a new perspective on things, including break-ups. Anyway, good luck to you and your new coffee shop plans! Hope everything works out and I for one will most certainly check in with your updates!
columbia Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 My girlfriend from MA (Im originally from WA) left me after 4 years virtually over night. Maybe its just a thing about women from MA?
Author billy356 Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 yes girls form MA are evil...I have a secret fantasy of moving to Boston (just north of the Cape where she lives) moving in with another girl and eventually getting married there. Since she always thought that I would never move to that area and it was a bone of contention, when she found THAT out from our mutual friends it would certainly have an effect.
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