Author shadowplay Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 You can't have it both ways. It sounds like any guy is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. Yep, I've decided that as long as he doesn't smother me I'd rather he err on the side of more attentive.
kizik Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 After twelve pages, here's what I've concluded: You are not ready to date. You don't even know yourself.
donnamaybe Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Yep, I've decided that as long as he doesn't smother me I'd rather he err on the side of more attentive. And that's wise, but don't get upset that he hasn't contacted you. Could be he feels you THINK he's been "too much" so is trying to leave you alone when he already knows you have things going on. You have GOT to stop overthinking every move this guy makes or DOESN'T make. Just go with the flow baby!
Author shadowplay Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 (edited) Meh, I guess I'll stop posting here unless there are any interesting developments...since I shouldn't be overanalyzing. I sent him two texts fifteen minutes ago and he got online and imed me. We spoke for a bit before he had to go...I wasn't feeling something about his vibe. He seemed cooler. Gah, I don't know what's wrong with me. Nothing's good enough. Sigh. I'm going to stop worrying about this. You guys are totally right that I need to lighten up. Edited December 15, 2009 by shadowplay
Author shadowplay Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 Just a small aside on what he said about most women sucking. I asked him about it today, and he sort of backpedalled. He said he didn't really mean it, and he hopes I don't conclude he's some "woman-hating weirdo." He explained that most of the girls he knows in his hometown are "pretty terrible." (He's smart but he comes from a blue-collar background, so I can see why he would have trouble relating to people around him.) When I asked him how, he gave a vague response, indicating that they're very superficial. I guess I don't know what to make of it, if anything. I should add that MOST of the young guys I've talked to have basically trashed my gender at one point or another. Maybe it's the result of immaturity, but it's still annoying. .
Stockalone Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Stock, I see you and shadow's man, as different. You have a maturity level I'm not seeing in this guy, based on what shadow's posted. Well, I am about a decade older than her bf. And while I appreciate the vote of confidence, it's not really true. When I was his age, I was very much like him emotionally. And I am not so different now. This side of me just doesn't show on LS, or at least not so much. The woman I developed feelings for, they saw this side and their reaction was similar to shadow's. They felt pressured too or wondered if I am genuinely interested in them for who they are as a person or if I am just interested because they are a woman. This guy has the makings of one of the bitter misogynists on LS, if she mishandles him, where all women are crap due to one rejection. "She's a bitch, as all women are bitches. I put my all into the relationship and she blew me off. It's the story of my life (yeah, all twenty-one years of it, with no relationship experience beyond a potential STR. )". If he has had a hard time with dating, of course it will make him think. It can be frustrating/disappointing too. "I think I am just fine the way I am, it's their loss if they don't see that = They suck." Granted, his "most women suck" comment could lead down the path of becoming a misogynist who thinks all women are evil. So es, I can see your concern, but let's not get ahead of ourselves just yet. I was different in that I internalized my frustration/disappointment: "I think I am fine the way I am, but women don't want me = I must suck, what other reason could there be?" Where realistically speaking, it might be a combination of issues: This guy is over-whelming. I suspect she feels like he's made her responsible. Being "all in" in a balanced way, doesn't mean an emotional tsunami.Shadow might be confusing fear of loss with love, since fear is a strong emotion and cuts to everyone's core. There is no emotional tsunami (at least none that is visible on the outside) when you guard your emotions like you are used to as a man. I can either let a woman in and care about her or I can shut her out and not let her get even a glimpse of my raw emotions. Everything she sees and hears will be filtered, compartmentalized, censored. Maybe other men don't have that problem, but I do. Letting her in and caring about her gives her full access to my thoughts, good and bad. It's all out in the open, and it is raw and unfiltered. How I feel about her, my dreams, what my fears are, my insecurities. How else will she know who I truly am?
Author shadowplay Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 (edited) Well, I am about a decade older than her bf. And while I appreciate the vote of confidence, it's not really true. When I was his age, I was very much like him emotionally. And I am not so different now. This side of me just doesn't show on LS, or at least not so much. The woman I developed feelings for, they saw this side and their reaction was similar to shadow's. They felt pressured too or wondered if I am genuinely interested in them for who they are as a person or if I am just interested because they are a woman. That's my main concern. While I know I have a lot to offer, I'm skeptical about how much of that he really sees or appreciates this early. I'm still shy around him, which leads to some reticence. Generally I come into my own when I'm totally comfortable around somebody, which takes about a couple of months of frequent contact. The main things we've talked about so far are movies and music. So what does he know about me at this point? I'm fairly smart, I have similar musical taste to him, I'm at least moderately reflective, I'm attractive, and I like him. That's about it. So why is he so into me? Is it because he has a low opinion of girls in general, because he's mostly associated with certain kinds of women? Does he fall for the first girl with half a brain who likes him? Don't get me wrong. I WANT him to think highly of me, but for the right reasons. That said, I really do like him, and my feelings have been growing more positive in the last few days. Edited December 17, 2009 by shadowplay
Stockalone Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 (edited) That's my main concern. While I know I have a lot to offer, I'm skeptical about how much of that he really sees or appreciates this early. The honest answer is that he can't possibly appreciate you for who you are yet. That is simply not possible in that short period of time. So far, he can like your looks and he can appreciate what he already knows about you as a person. In my case, I was feeling and hoping that what I didn't know yet would turn out to be just as good as what I already knew. That is where filling in the blanks begins and where the fantasy has to be balanced with the reality of who you are. Therein lies the risk. What will the unknown reveal? A deeper bond or maybe incompatibilities? I'm still shy around him, which leads to some reticence. Generally I come into my own when I'm totally comfortable around somebody, which takes about a couple of months of frequent contact. Essentially, you have skipped the getting to know you phase and jumped straight into sex and a relationship. I always needed to get to know the woman before we had sex. But what's done is done and we don't all have to do things the same way. You can still ask questions and get to know each other. In fact, that should be your main focus now. The main things we've talked about so far are movies and music. So what does he know about me at this point? I'm fairly smart, I have similar musical taste to him, I'm at least moderately reflective, I'm attractive, and I like him. That's about it. I was always eager to learn more about the woman. But I was often afraid to badger her with questions. I wanted to avoid sounding like the Spanish Inquisition. You could tell him more about yourself and see if he in return does the same. Talk about the topics you'd like to know more about him. But it worries me a little that he isn't making a strong effort to get to know you better. So why is he so into me? Is it because he has a low opinion of girls in general, because he's mostly associated with certain kinds of women? Does he fall for the first girl with half a brain who likes him? Don't get me wrong. I WANT him to think highly of me, but for the right reasons. You don't want to be a choice of convenience. That is understandable because, as you said, it implies that every other girl with half a brain or half the looks would have gotten the same treatment from him. I don't think he can literally prove that you aren't just like any other girl to him, you have to believe/feel that he choose you because of the potential he saw. But I have to admit it's difficult to make that argument when you invest so much so soon. Doing all that based on little more than intuition, a hunch? It sure sounds crazy. And you know what, it is crazy. I am sorry that I have nothing better to tell you. It really is a gamble, but if all goes well, it was worth it. That said, I really do like him, and my feelings have been growing more positive in the last few days. That's good. Edited December 17, 2009 by Stockalone
Author shadowplay Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 So he told me something last night that totally explains why he's been the way he has. Apparently I'm the first girl he's had sex with. I was pretty shocked, as he doesn't seem like the virginal type. But I guess you never know. He appears confident and experienced on the surface, partly because of how he dresses. But I've discovered he's pretty shy underneath. He told me he had a few girlfriends in high school and his first year of college, but they all turned out to be "insane." And it never went that far with them (to sex). He said he doesn't like to talk about it because it makes him sound like he hates women, when that's not true at all. Little does he know the issues I have! Last night he came during sex for the first time and he seemed incredibly happy after. I'm still kind of taken aback by him being a virgin. I can't decide if I'm indifferent or turned off. I guess it's a bit strange, but it does make me feel like his eagerness is totally justified.
Author shadowplay Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Oh, and did I mention he's a huge Joy Division fan like me. :love:
kizik Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Last night he came during sex for the first time and he seemed incredibly happy after. Interesting. Does he also like food?
Author shadowplay Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 (edited) Interesting. Does he also like food? what's your deal maybe i'm overreacting but sometimes i can't tell if you're well-meaning or just bitchy. Edited December 18, 2009 by shadowplay
Stockalone Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 So he told me something last night that totally explains why he's been the way he has. Apparently I'm the first girl he's had sex with. I was pretty shocked, as he doesn't seem like the virginal type. But I guess you never know. He appears confident and experienced on the surface, partly because of how he dresses. But I've discovered he's pretty shy underneath. Thank God he didn't dress like a virgin (whatever that might look like). He told me he had a few girlfriends in high school and his first year of college, but they all turned out to be "insane." His choice of words seems a bit harsh. Maybe he really had just bad luck. Still, it's something you should keep in mind, in case he makes similar comments in the future about women in general. Little does he know the issues I have! Maybe you are a bit crazy at times, but not "insane". You should be fine then. I'm still kind of taken aback by him being a virgin. I can't decide if I'm indifferent or turned off. I guess it's a bit strange, but it does make me feel like his eagerness is totally justified. Interesting that it is at best nothing to worry about, but could potentially be a turn off. I am not judging, it's just an observation. I got an early 20's virgin bonus from my gf during "training", some of my neediness was excused. As long as I was working hard to be a good student. Interesting. Does he also like food? what's your deal maybe i'm overreacting but sometimes i can't tell if you're well-meaning or just bitchy. Well, the following is hilarious: Last night he came during sex for the first time and he seemed incredibly happy after. Maybe it's not funny to you, but I was laughing when I read it. I am sure I was grinning from ear to ear (and very likely even while I was asleep) for quite a while after my first time. A guy who seems incredibly happy after that? Totally unexpected. Don't get me wrong, I think it is cute that you mentioned it, but it really is hilarious.
burning 4 revenge Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 (edited) Oh, and did I mention he's a huge Joy Division fan like me. :love: Youll probably disagreee like everyone else does, but as much as I love JD I think 1980's New Order was quite a bit better Sumner was a much better singer and he had great melodic sense. He also moved them more toward synthpop and away from gothic rock which was a dead end He probably hung Ian Curtis Edited December 19, 2009 by burning 4 revenge
Author shadowplay Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 (edited) Youll probably disagreee like everyone else does, but as much as I love JD I think 1980's New Order was quite a bit better Sumner was a much better singer and he had great melodic sense. He also moved them more toward synthpop and away from gothic rock which was a dead end He probably hung Ian Curtis I really like New Order too, but as far as I'm concerned there's no comparison. NO have more emotional range, but they lack the depth or soul of JD, whatever you want to call it. It's hard for me to verbalize. I just know that JD cuts to the core, as if the music existed in some collective consciousness before it was ever created. I also prefer Ian's voice despite the fact that it has a narrower range and is less technically polished. I think it has more character. Edited December 19, 2009 by shadowplay
Author shadowplay Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 (edited) So things are going really well! I've really, really warmed up to this guy. He's actually pretty amazing. I was concerned at first about his clinginess, but now I understand it because of what he's told me about his experience and past. Also, as my feelings catch up with his I don't feel as pressured by his enthusiasm. I think he's also settled down a bit, as he's grown more secure in how much I like him. My first instincts about this guy were right. As far as I can discern, he's solid, decent and healthy to the core. In almost every other relationship, I've gotten a subtle gut feeling at the beginning that something is slighty off about the other person but that's not at all the case with him. I don't fear that I'll unearth some major flaws or incompatibilities as I get to know him better. We already have a strong connection. We feel right. I'm discovering that we have a remarkable amount in common -- even more than I originally thought. Last night we talked about all the things we want to do together: visit galleries, go skiing and snowboarding, explore the surrounding neighborhoods, the woods around his hometown, Boston and NY, hike and swim when it warms up. He shares my love of art and music, and our tastes overlap quite a bit but there's enough divergence that we can introduce each other to new things. And he obviously really, REALLY appreciates me. As he's expressed more about what he likes about me, I realize it's much less superficial than I originally assumed. I won't go into specifics, but he told me last night that I'm "the coolest person [he's] ever met." That meant a lot to me, because I know he's picky when it comes to people. One of my frustrations has always been feeling like people don't appreciate me. The things I value about myself often seem to go unnoticed by others. But I'm now wondering if that's because I date people who don't have much in common with me. I was thinking to myself that most of the guys I've dated have been strictly practical minded with minimal reflectivity and aesthetic sense. He has all three. Also I usually just fall into relationships with people. With S, I basically "chose" him. I thought to myself this guy seems super cool, and decided to get to know him. I was just remembering that horrible date I had a year and half ago with the emotionally unavailable crush. In retrospect, that guy was an idiot for not appreciating how amazing I am. (That probably sounds conceited, but it's nice to feel good about myself for once!) I realize now that his own narcissism and shallowness got in the way. Edited December 20, 2009 by shadowplay
Author shadowplay Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 Oh, and as it turns out he's NOT a pothead. He only smokes a couple of times a week at most, and half the time he doesn't have a supply.
Author shadowplay Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but the last two times we spent together I've started to feel like I'm falling in love with him. I don't want to rush things even more, but I have an extremely hopeful feeling about where this is headed. I really, really like him.
Star Gazer Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Sounds like it's going really well Shadow! How many dates/how long has it been now?
burning 4 revenge Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I really like New Order too, but as far as I'm concerned there's no comparison. NO have more emotional range, but they lack the depth or soul of JD, whatever you want to call it. It's hard for me to verbalize. I just know that JD cuts to the core, as if the music existed in some collective consciousness before it was ever created. I also prefer Ian's voice despite the fact that it has a narrower range and is less technically polished. I think it has more character. I think Martin Hammet had a lot to do with that character youre speaking of. He used a lot of techniques to get a certain atmospheric sparseness If you ever get a chance rent 24 Hour Party People BTW good to see you happy/ you do have alot to offer
Author shadowplay Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 Sounds like it's going really well Shadow! How many dates/how long has it been now? Thanks! It's only been about three weeks. I haven't kept track of dates, but we were seeing each other almost every day before we both left town for the holidays.
Star Gazer Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 He appears confident and experienced on the surface, partly because of how he dresses. How does a guy dress in a way that makes him look sexually experienced?
Author shadowplay Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 How does a guy dress in a way that makes him look sexually experienced? Lol. I realized after I wrote that that it made no sense. But he has a few tattoos and he dresses pretty stylishly, which, along with his demeanor creates an aura of confidence.
Stockalone Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but the last two times we spent together I've started to feel like I'm falling in love with him. I don't want to rush things even more, but I have an extremely hopeful feeling about where this is headed. I really, really like him. You are no longer unnerved/irritated about his behaviour because you now know why he does that and it gives you some peace of mind and you can concentrate on the things that are going well in the relationship. That's why you are feeling better. You deserve credit for your part in making this work so far. Well done! Hopefully things continue to move in the right direction.
Author shadowplay Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 I think Martin Hammet had a lot to do with that character youre speaking of. He used a lot of techniques to get a certain atmospheric sparseness If you ever get a chance rent 24 Hour Party People BTW good to see you happy/ you do have alot to offer Thanks! Hmm. I should do more reading on JD, as I don't know as much about other members of the band.
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