crush

[shadowplay]

I vowed to myself that I'd stop overanalyzing, but I want to share some of my thoughts from last night because I feel that they're important to examine.

 

I've seen him again. I don't know. I'm just feeling uneasy somehow about this whole thing. I know I need to relax, but I'm having these doubts. Can't tell if I'm trying to sabotage this or not. Maybe getting some feedback will bring me down to earth.

 

1) He smokes a lot of weed. He smokes at least once a day, and when we had sex he had trouble coming because of (he explained) the weed. Is it weird for me to find this a turn off? I smoke sometimes too, but I'm not sure how I feel about being with somebody who's a habitual smoker...especially if it affects our sex.

 

2) Last night at one point he asked me what I was thinking. I laughed that it was too embarrassing, but he insisted, so finally I told him that I was wondering if he had liked me at all before I sent him that first email. He responded "kinda...I mean, I didn't know you at all." This broke the illusion for me of us having chemistry and sexual tension before. Suddenly I started wondering if he really liked me, or he was just dating me because I showed interest in him. Again, this is probably all my insecurity talking. I didn't say anything but he seemed to notice my sudden stiffening.

 

He was high so he started freaking out that he had offended me and repeating he was sorry over and over. I told him to relax, that I wasn't offended, but this didn't convince him. Finally he explained that when he said "kind of" it wasn't that accurate because he had been looking forward to our first date the whole week before. He also said that he really really likes me and he's not just saying that. Then he started freaking out that I would think he was pretending to like me.

 

Again, I feel like my overreaction to what he said is purely insecurity. It broke this fantasy I had of us both choosing each other, instead of me choosing him. I just want to know that he's into me for me and not because I like him.

 

3) I'm starting to think I'm not at all in the right place to be dating. Already my insecurities are seeping into the relationship. I also feel like it's just a matter of time before he realizes how fcked up I am. It's hard for me to fully be myself, because so much of me is unhealthy...and I don't want him to see it. But then to not reveal it is dishonest and feels wrong.

 

4) It's patly my fault, but it feels like we've been locked into a relationship, especially with him changing his fb status. I don't even know how I feel and I've been set on this track.

 

I also feel like I'm using him partly as a distraction from my larger problems, like avoiding my schoolwork, being self-defeating, etc.

 

So I don't know how to proceed. I really like him, and I think we could be great for each other...but the issues above are real concerns.

Edited December 11, 2009 by shadowplay

[kizik]

I'm a stoner but I'd never let you know it.

 

And what's with his guilt complex?

 

Back off a bit IMO.

[shadowplay]

I'm a stoner but I'd never let you know it.

 

And what's with his guilt complex?

 

Back off a bit IMO.

 

What do you mean?

 

I don't know why he started freaking out...I guess it was the weed.

[kizik]

As in, see him like once a week?

 

Who knows. Don't be so serious about this guy, shadow. He is not "the one".

[shadowplay]

As in, see him like once a week?

 

Who knows. Don't be so serious about this guy, shadow. He is not "the one".

 

Ok, but how do you know?

[kizik]

Because he's a stoner.

[shadowplay]

Because he's a stoner.

 

Lol. But maybe I'm overreacting to that. I don't know if it would really be a problem in the long term, as I've never seriously dated one.

[shadowplay]

I should add that we have plans for tonight and Saturday (he asked me yesterday and I agreed). I do want to back off a bit (while continue seeing him), but I think it would be carppy for me to cancel on him at this late hour.

[kizik]

We stoners, we're bad dating material. We never remember anything you say. We always want you to leave so we can simply get high. We are preoccupied with marijuana and ultimately it is more important than some chica.

[kizik]

we have plans for tonight and Saturday.

 

Jesus, I don't even hang out with myself that much.

[shadowplay]

We stoners, we're bad dating material. We never remember anything you say. We always want you to leave so we can simply get high. We are preoccupied with marijuana and ultimately it is more important than some chica.

 

Lol. So would you advise any girl against dating you?

 

Anyway, I'm thinking that you're right. He's not the one. I have three options at this point: 1) break things off completely, 2) friendzone him, 3) continue to date but very casually and not see each other as often.

 

Right now the last is most appealing to me, because I still like him and because I feel like it would be really crappy to dump him after he announced his status change on facebook...especially since I was the one pushing for the exclusivity thing.

 

So how do I communicate that I want to take things more casually?

[kizik]

So would you advise any girl against dating you?

 

Definitely.

[kizik]

So how do I communicate that I want to take things more casually?

 

I would let him know tonight that you'd prefer to spend Saturday alone, that you think things are moving a bit fast. Gauge his reaction. If he freaks out again like a little girl, that's a bad sign. If he's cool - cool.

 

[shadowplay]

Man, I just really feel like cutting and running. It's dawning on me all of a sudden how incompatible we are. We have some stuff in common -- music, art, film -- but that's the extent of it.

 

Now I feel trapped, because we've already made the exclusivity agreement.

[kizik]

Man, I just really feel like cutting and running. It's dawning on me all of a sudden how incompatible we are. We have some stuff in common -- music, art, film -- but that's the extent of it.

 

Now I feel trapped, because we've already made the exclusivity agreement.

 

Don't listen to the internet. Don't even listen to me. If you like the guy, go and have fun with him.

 

But you aren't "trapped" because of some "agreement". Dating is not a lease.

[Ariadne]

Man, I just really feel like cutting and running. It's dawning on me all of a sudden how incompatible we are. We have some stuff in common -- music, art, film -- but that's the extent of it.

 

Now I feel trapped, because we've already made the exclusivity agreement.

 

What can you do...

 

One more that loved Shadow and lost.

 

Too bad for that guy, but we all know how picky we are. It was a shot in the dark.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Friend him in FB and dump him over there.

 

Tell him it's not working etc.

[kizik]

Friend him in FB and dump him over there.

 

Tell him it's not working etc.

 

Clearly I support this advice.

[shadowplay]

Hey,

 

Friend him in FB and dump him over there.

 

Tell him it's not working etc.

 

That would be harsh! We're fb friends already (he added me yesterday)

[shadowplay]

I just noticed he sent me two texts and one voicemail apologizing for freaking out last night on the weed. I also ran into him about half an hour ago and he asked me again if we were going to this even tonight. I told him yes. I guess I'll tell him I need more space tonight.

[kizik]

I just noticed he sent me two texts and one voicemail apologizing for freaking out last night on the weed.

 

You know what's worse than freaking out last night on the weed?

 

Texting and calling you a bunch apologizing for freaking out last night on the weed.

[the beholder]

shadow you need to take things slow. what you did was jump into a relationship with this guy and you are already doubting yourself and trying to run away from the consequences.

my advice: don't bail out on him so soon.... I kind of go with your third option.

[shadowplay]

I had a much better time with him last night. I still want to take things slower, but I"m not sure how to broach the subject. I kind of chickened out.

 

He seems increasingly into me. He introduced me to two people as his girlfriend. And he was constantly throwing me hyperbole about how beautiful he finds me. I like compliments, but I'm worried he's getting a little too attached.

 

I dunno. I have to figure out a way of broaching this without hurting his feelings or sending the message that I don't like him.

[Stockalone]

I had a much better time with him last night. I still want to take things slower, but I"m not sure how to broach the subject. I kind of chickened out.

 

I think you are going from one extreme to the next. Your confusion is understandable.

 

That said, if you continue to chicken out, this is not going to get better.

 

 

He seems increasingly into me. He introduced me to two people as his girlfriend.

 

You are seeing him nearly every day, you have sex and you are exclusive. That makes you his gf.

 

So, are you spending Christmas at your parents or his?

 

 

And he was constantly throwing me hyperbole about how beautiful he finds me. I like compliments, but I'm worried he's getting a little too attached.

 

He thinks of you as his gf. Of course he is getting attached. If such a quick pace is a good idea for either of you, is a different matter.

 

Whether his compliments are indeed hyperbole or if he is simply expressing how he really feels, is for you to decide. We can't really help you with that.

 

 

I dunno. I have to figure out a way of broaching this without hurting his feelings or sending the message that I don't like him.

 

I guess it would help if you actually knew what you want before having that discussion.

 

Do you even want this relationship? Is this a guy you want, and more importantly, someone you feel you'll be able to open up to emotionally?

 

But that is precisely the reason why you want to slow things down a bit, to figure out what you want. I don't envy your position.

 

You could just tell him that there are still so many things you don't know about each other and that you feel a bit overwhelmed because everything is happening so fast.

 

I do think he will understand your doubts. He won't be happy about it, and to be honest, if a woman tells you she needs space, all alarms go off in most guys heads.

 

Then again, you have been moving at a very fast pace. Allowing you some time to collect your thoughts is not an outrageous request. But I think you need to keep him in the loop (why do you want to slow things down and for how long and what exactly you mean when you say slow things down) so he feels that he is still involved.

[the beholder]

I dunno. I have to figure out a way of broaching this without hurting his feelings or sending the message that I don't like him.

Are you sure you don't like this guy? why??? you don't even know him well.....

That sounds cliche since I agree getting exclusive with a guy without knowing him well was a bad move. But since whats done is done, give the guy a chance.... or give yourself a chance to have a healthy relationship for once.... you deserve a guy who appreciates you and he seems to do so.

Edited December 12, 2009 by the beholder