Dear K....letter she'll never see

[DustySaltus]

When I first met you over 10 years ago I was a naive 17 year old kid going back to "work" at summer camp. I remember being a few days late and showing up one early summer evening during a meeting and we looked at each other as I entered the room. At that moment I thought I had met the love of my life.

 

When the summer was over you went back to Israel and I went away to college. I was heartbroken but I understood that was the way he had to be at the time. Over the next 8 years I was involved with many different women. Some I hade serious relationships with and others not so much. One thing always remained constant though, whenever I thought about love, I thought about you.

 

I would wonder why things didn't work out with so many other women. Sometimes I screwed things up and other times they left me for various reasons. I was always looking for the perfect match and somehow whenever things would end with someone I thought about what you might be doing half way across the world. So one day about 2 years ago I contact you on facebook thinking you were probably married with kid by now, but you were very much single. At first we spoke via facebook once a week, then twice, then everyday, then everyday plus a phone call every few days..then we spoke almost everyday. Everything seemed so natural and when I decided that I always wanted to visit Israel you were more than willing to host me.

 

It took a lot of emails and effort to let you know how much I really did love you. I know it took a lot of time to build our relationship. I finally thought that at 26 years old my life was beginning to take shape. I would be with the person I was always supposed to be with and we would live happily ever after. Finally instead of procrastinating like with so many other things I had did in the past I was finally grabbing life by the horns and go after exactly what I wanted. I was the happiest guy in the world K and I had nothing but the best intentions. Little did I know that anything I did would never be good enough.

 

Four days into the trip I made a phone call back home to NY from your bedroom explaining to my friend that I was having a bit of a culture shock but I really did like Israel. I had no idea you were listening in on my conversation from the other side of the door and would kick me out of the house the next day.

 

8 years, there in Israel and I was now back on a plane to NY 4 days into our pilot trip. But then I made the phone call from the airport and you told me that you made a mistake. I came back to you and that was probably the biggest mistake I ever made in my life.

 

You accused me of cheating on you on numerous occasions. You've checked my blackberry and emails on a daily basis when you were here in NY and a million miles away. And although it hurt me SO much that you didn't trust me, I thought I would just try harder and show you how much I truly did love you.

 

So I agreed to move to Israel and I asked you to marry me. I told you that I would stay with you their while your mother gets better for a year. You agreed to come back to America with me, but changed your mind and told me that I had to live in Israel forever. I told you that i couldn't promise that. We argued, you kicked me out and threatened to ruin my life. That's the day I thought I lost my faith in god.

 

That plane ride back to America was the longest ride of my life. I though to myself, "Where do I go from here? Someone I thought was the love of my life is now trying to ruin my life. Trying to get me fired from my job and trying to get me disqualified from a dream job I really wanted". You told me that you would make me suffer and I did.

 

One night I almost did it K. I drank a liter of whiskey and decided that I would walk to the bridge and relieve myself from all the misery that you had put me through. Your personality disorder made me think that I was the problem and I really messed up a great thing. I wrote a note and I left my apartment and started walking. When I got to a certain spot I fell and twisted my ankle so bad that I couldn't walk anymore. I called my best friend and he picked me up with the most scared look i've ever seen on his face. I think he knew where I was heading.

 

But slowly but surely I began to pick myself up. I started posting on here and man was I a mess. I was all over the place. I was still talking to her here and there but eventually phased it out. I took the ring as a loss and got my old job back. Straightened things out with my new job and after going on about 10-20 dates I have met someone 5 months later that I can see myself in a relationship with.

 

So K, I'm doing a little bit better everyday. i know that you are really concerned about me anyways. I never thought a person I put on such a pedestal could do the things you did to me. The thing is though at the end of the day I reaized that anything i ever did that may have hurt you, was never intentionally. Everything you did to me was calculated and vindictive. I can look at myself in the mirror at the end of the day and know that I tried to do everything I could to make this relationship work.

 

Your trust, abandonment and personality disorder issue were way too much for us to overcome. Not because I didn't want to be there to help you with them every step of the way but because you never thought that there was anything wrong.

 

There's no doubt I will ALWAYS love you, but I realized that the love of my life is supposed to be ME.

 

You tried to DESTROY me with the things you did, but I'm still standing. I'm still here and I'm only going to get STRONGER. I got my job and kept things in line because everyone around me knows how good of a person I really am.

 

Karma is a surreal thing. Just remember that when you finally wake up and realize you made a terrible mistake, all you'll have to blame is yourself.

 

I did everything I could.

 

D

[DustySaltus]

Sorry for the grammatical errors, I just wrote this straight from the gut. My main point though is that it can and will get better for all of us.

[angelface78]

Dusty this letter made me cry. It is exactly the type of letter i would like to write to my ex...but i wouldnt know where to start. You are correct sir... YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. Some people out there are not as human as some of us. I congratulate you on your progress my friend. Never lose faith in God and be certain that he has plans for you and you will end up where he wants you to be as long as you are true in your heart and try to be a good person. God bless and best of luck. Keep looking forward and never look back.

[nobmagnet]

love you for it

 

from the heart indeed poetic and right. good luck with the happiness you havexxxxxx

[DustySaltus]

Thanks, for the comments, I appreciate it.

 

BTW, nob magnet is a hilarious name

[silic0ntoad]

Hey bro - hope you're doing better... It's been rough for all of us. If I'm ever in the NYC area, I'll hit you up so we can get rounds!