USMCHokie Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 I guess another one bites the dust...last night, I was cleaning out my email inbox when I came across some email traffic between my ex and me...it was a few days before the breakup and I had forgotten about the conversation...basically, things were starting to head south as we had spent too much time together and we were just exiting the honeymoon phase and straight into the rut-tine phase...she said that I was putting too much pressure on her in the relationship...that we just weren't meshing like a couple should...and we just went back and forth with me accusing her that she didn't want to be with me anymore...and then last night it hit me like a ton of bricks...that she had dropped the pack long before that...all the reasons she gave about being stressed out unemployment or not being ready for marriage were just words to hide the fact that she just didn't love me anymore...or that she never loved me at all...all along, she just didn't want to be with me anymore...there was something wrong with me... I pretty much had a total meltdown...complete with the waterworks...I had dated before, but growing up, I never thought anyone would ever love me...even at 25, I wasn't expecting it to happen in this lifetime...and then she came along and it was one of the greatest feelings being with her...to have loved and felt loved...but now all that seems to come crashing down...I can't help but think it wasn't love at all...even though we talked about marriage and a life together...I just wasn't the man I thought I was... It makes me feel like I was over-valuing myself...and maybe we fall into that trap sometimes...thinking that if a person leaves us, we're better than they are and they are the ones who are losing out...but what if we're not better...instead, they are just getting rid of an inferior person...and it just makes me feel like I'm right back where I was before her...ok with a lifetime being alone with just the mountain squirrels... I have no worries that I'd break NC, since talking to her would basically do nothing...now I realize that she gave up on me long ago, and I doubt she has any sort of feeling or emotion left for me... There's only two certainties in life...death and taxes...love isn't one of them...maybe we're not all supposed to experience it...?
teanoranges Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 I think some of us are people who will love and love and always end up with the 'unrequited love' stick. I know how you feel. I was doing really good since my final nc push, and today I just started crying. I guess I over-valued our relationship. I thought he looked at it the same way as I did... that no matter what issues we had we were made for each other... we could be miles away and still feel each other.. oh, how wrong I was. After talking to him a couple weeks ago, and reviewing some emails, I also came to the conclusion that he was done way before I was, way before I even realized. And doesn't it hurt even more when you're doing NC and thinking your doing so great, but in reality its only because you know they'll never try to force themselves back in to your life. Bad day today, I guess.... but at least now we know the extent to which our hearts are capable of loving, even if we never love that much ever again.
sean1970 Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 A friend wrote this to me last night and it helped me a lot... Like Joolie said, you can't think this way...I'm VERY guilty of letting myself think this...but you were important to her...as important to her as she was to you...and it DID mean something...does it mean something now...? Maybe not the same as before, but it still has meaning and value...everything you learned from the relationship, the breakup, and all the aftermath...all the great times you had with her...don't ruin that by associating your time with her as just the sadness of the breakup... Sean, we all go through these moments...we feel like we're doing better as we offer advice to those in need on LS...with each post we feel just a little bit stronger...and after a while, you almost feel invincible...and then you just have a bad day...but you're still the same person...who has gone through all the crap and come out on top...tomorrow or the next day or whenever it is, you'll be right back on top offering your good advice to all of us... ~USMCHokie
JaggedRoad Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Hang in there, Hokie. Remember that she was the one who gave up, not you. You will find someone again. And if worst comes to worst, I'll be your hermit neighbor--no squirrels though. I felt the same way before I met my ex: I thought I would never find love in this lifetime, but everything changed when she came into my life. Take it as a lesson that anything is possible in life even if you don't see it happening.
sean1970 Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 There's only two certainties in life...death and taxes...love isn't one of them...maybe we're not all supposed to experience it...? I think we retard our finding love again in a few ways. -At the moment, we dont want to; we want our ex back.. -Our confidence is in the ****ter. At present, we are unable to see ourselves being loved again. -We are emotionally selfish and lazy right now. In other words, its all about us because of the pain we feel. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, it just cant last if we eventually want to find someone else again. You will find love again; no one is that lucky to avoid it.
DenverBachelor Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 There's only two certainties in life...death and taxes...love isn't one of them...maybe we're not all supposed to experience it...? It is such a cliche, but it really is profound -- but too many people read it, role their eyes and continue to live each day in complacency. "Live every day like it is your last." But I do think I am a better person from my past relationship even if it failed. I went into it with drug addictions. I let myself go -- became lazy and didn't spend any time looking for work when i first moved out. I broke the addictions and I am now working out at the gym. I totally redid my appearance and took more pride in myself from the mistakes. If it took a beautiful relationship ending for me to get my **** in gear than so be it. My best friends couldn't talk me out of my addictions. I couldn't. Someone I loved dearly deciding to leave was the only earth shattering event that made me make all of these changes. Like you, I was going through some e-mails and I couldn't find one in g-mail. I clicked "All Mail" and lo' and behold were some e-mails from her up to, during and after the breakup. The e-mails right before were, "I love you so much!!! blah blah." I have all of our e-mails going back to ... geesh .. 2006? Thousands of them. I hope you can find strength to realize she didn't leave you because you were inferior. She left you because she felt it was the best for her. Would you feel inferior if you walked into Harvard to take a Quantum Physics test and failed it? I sure as **** wouldn't. You're not inferior. Get that out of your head.
JaggedRoad Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Would you feel inferior if you walked into Harvard to take a Quantum Physics test and failed it? I would x_________x
Author USMCHokie Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 Thanks everyone for the responses... Just got up from a nap...not really feeling sadness anymore...not like last night...just acceptance...and complete unwillingness to date ever again...I feel like sometimes our low points are produced by some idea created in our minds...maybe to explain what happened...she never came out and told me that she never loved me, and I really don't have anything to concretely base it on, but I still think it...I almost want to think it...and it makes no sense sometimes.... Sean - First off, I hate you for throwing my own words back in my face...well played, sir...but yes, although I still want her back, I also don't want someone who doesn't want me...and all along I thought we were both still in love when we broke up...but if we were, I guess we'd still be together... JaggedRoad - mountain squirrels are kind and gentle creatures...but I understand what you're saying...I just can't help but think that she is the only person who will ever feel that way about me...and even then, it might have just been a whole bunch of hooey...I don't even know what she saw in me...apparently nothing, since she left... Denver - even if I wasn't inferior, it just means that everything I'd done to make myself the person I am wasn't good enough for her...it wasn't enough...I spent countless nights going to sleep to this song by Vertical Horizon, "Even Then"... "Even then, you were aiming much higher, Higher than you thought I could fly. Even then, you were looking for rainbows, Something more than a cloudless blue sky." Don't get me wrong, I still have high confidence in myself...I have my sh*t together...but only as an individual...but what I have to offer just isn't something women seem to want...and it wasn't enough for her... And to be honest, I'd probably be able to rock Quantum Physics... teanoranges - you're right...and it's worse because everything you thought and felt turns out to be wrong...and I feel stupid looking back...all that time I thought she still loved me and was hurting too when we split...I guess she just talked a good game...and couldn't wait for me to get out of her life completely...it just scares me to have to go through that again with someone else...
teanoranges Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 It took me years to find someone I thought I'd get along with and have a remarkable relationship, even though at first I denied it. I know I'll be waiting a good while again because I guess I'm picky? I'm okay with being single, but with him I felt so complete. At the moment, I definitely have no interest in anyone. Its tough to even talk and laugh with someone (of the opposite sex) because I don't want to lead them on and I don't want to have to deal with these feelings. I think if we're to become attracted to anyone, its going to be from not even trying and they're going to explode into our lives like nothing other. Are you prepared for the pain of someone even better than your ex? haha, way to look positive, right? Let's just see how life goes.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Why are you even caring about what she thinks? She just said that to make you feel bad! So WTf does it matter what she says! There's other women out there, and from your nametag, I assume you are active military? correct then you of all people should know about military men and the women who go crazy for them.
mendsley Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Hey Hokie, you have said some things to me in the past that helped me and I want to thank you for that. I also wanted to tell you that I have come to realize many things from having my ex throw me to curb for another man and one thing I have picked up on is we are not alone. This s**t happens all the time and all of us are here for each other. The enemy is not ourselves, the ex, or any other power. The thing we battle with is our mind, is runs wild while we try to tame it. It goes in all directions, up and down, in and out but it is part of the process. Make sure you are not holding onto hope, hope is like dragging dead dog around the block, no matter what you do it won't cooperate. You cannot change what has happened or the events that lead up to what happened .... All you need to do is figure out how you can keep control of your mind while you go thru the healing process. Hang in there and don't be discouraged, I went thru this crap the other day and I am feeling a little better, but I know I will go thru more. Keep pushing thru and your strength will lead you to a better place. Hang in there
Author USMCHokie Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 mendsley - you're right, the mind can be both a beautiful and dangerous thing...and mine tends to run a mile a minute...I don't think it's hope I hold onto anymore...there's nothing there to hope for...there never was...just a figment of my imagination that she actually still cared at the end... teanoranges - when no one has interest in you, it makes it quite easy to not lead them on... Barracuda - yes, I am...but I can't seem to find this secret stash of women you speak of...I am of the belief that it's just a myth...and it's not necessarily what she said that had upset me, it's that before her, I was doing alright without love...I didn't have expectations of it...and then when I got a taste of it and then had it yanked away...at first I thought that I had reached the point in my life where I truly felt that women would be interested in me...my ex gave me confidence...and I felt that I could move on knowing that someone else would be interested in me...but now I'm left me wondering if she even loved me to begin with...and maybe I just got lucky that time with her...and that in reality, no, women aren't interested in me... That whole saying, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...yea, it's nice to have experienced love even for a fleeting moment, and it makes you yearn for it again...but if it's not in the cards for you...you just live a life of disappointment...if you had never loved at all, there's no expectation of it in your life, and therefore no disappointments...and right now I just wish I could turn back time to before I met her...
GrayClouds Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Man, you and I just need to go out and have a beer, I am broke but it is on me.
sean1970 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 my ex gave me confidence... Its not a giveable thing. As a USM, you know this. It comes from you; from what you did for her/you, not from her or anyone else. You saw what you were capable of. I just wish I could turn back time to before I met her... You would give up something that has made you a better man? Would forfeit being happier with someone else? I hope not. You are a good man Hokie, and the only vantage point we have is from behind a keyboard. Its not hard to think that you will make some woman very happy once you make it though this.
Author USMCHokie Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 You would give up something that has made you a better man? Would forfeit being happier with someone else? I hope not. You're right...I guess like I had said to you before when I wasn't all wigging out...I know deep down I wouldn't trade it for anything...but at the same time, sometimes I wish I could go back to the days when I didn't have to give any thought to relationships...I wasn't necessarily happy, but I was content...good enough for me... You are a good man Hokie, and the only vantage point we have is from behind a keyboard. Its not hard to think that you will make some woman very happy once you make it though this. Thanks...but thinking and believing are two different things to me...rationally speaking, it would make sense that some woman out there would be willing to give me a chance...but it's hard to kick a mentality that I've been nursing all my life... And GrayClouds, I'm game.
sean1970 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 sometimes I wish I could go back to the days when I didn't have to give any thought to relationships...I wasn't necessarily happy, but I was content...good enough for me... That is emotional laziness. You deserve to feel as happy as you were and so does the woman you will be with eventually. She is tapping her foot waiting for you Hokie, and she's pretty pissed that you are late
Author USMCHokie Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 I just finished watching a recent episode of How I Met Your Mother, and the topic of the episode was the time right after the honeymoon phase when the real relationship begins...and it was right after our honeymoon phase had started to wane that we broke up... Maybe she didn't think I or our relationship was worth it to transition to the real stuff...instead of working through our occasional fight, we went straight to debating whether we should just end it...we didn't give ourselves a chance to be happy with each other again...perhaps she never wanted it to begin with, and this was her opportunity to make an exit...I want to think that it would have worked out...but relationships are a team effort...and it doesn't matter how much one person works for it...if the other doesn't give a crap, it's not going to go anywhere... It seems a lot of times love just isn't enough.
sean1970 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 It seems a lot of times love just isn't enough. Nor should it be...
Template Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 My friend, I know exactly what you are going through. I'm a little different though, while you don't believe that you'll ever find love again, I am making a conscious effort NOT to find love again. Being is love is an indescribable happiness that can never truly be defined, and getting out of it, is an indescribable unhappiness. Ying to the Yang if you wish. While I'm sure (hope) that i'll change my tune in the years to come, the wounds are still too fresh to even contemplate another relationship right now. I personally don't believe in rebound relationships, as it's not fair for anyone. Your ex sounds sounds like mine, in which I don't they they ever gave the relationship a chance, and really, who knows the reason why. As long as you gave it your best shot, then dude, you have nothing to regret. Personally I view a relationship as not a merging of two lives, but the creation of one unified life. So I did what I thought was best in nurturing the relationship. I became clear that my ex didn't have the same intentions. So with that being said, it was she that sabotaged the relationship, as your ex did with yours. She let this new life called relationship die. She took a knife to your new life that was your relationship, so SHE is the inferior one.
silic0ntoad Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Hey man - hope you're doing better. Sometimes sh*t like that email comes up and you can't help a breakdown... You just have to keep pushing through it... there's always a bitter phase that causes these feelings... like all things it will pass. Don't seek love. Let it come to you. And only accept it when your heart is ready. Oh, and forget that ***** of an ex.
AliveAndKicking Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 It seems a lot of times love just isn't enough. Love is never enough! I think we sometimes confuse "that feeling" we get in our tummy with love. "That feeling" is the stuff, the chemicals in our brains, that make us want to procreate. That feeling is what compells us to mate with the oposite sex of the species. That is not love! Love is not a feeling. Sorry to burst any bubbles but sorry folks- it is not. Love is action. A decision. A choice. Love is not- I repeat: Love is NOT a feeling! ________________ I think this is where a lot of relationships blow up. After a short while those feelings wane and you are left with a "now what?" feeling. This is where the decision, the choice, to love enters into the picture. This is what it all comes down to: Will I now love this person? A far wiser man than I (M. Scott Peck) summed it up quite nicely: Love IS as love DOES. The same wise man also stated the following: "Life is difficult." He went on to say: "This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters." ___________ These two very simple ideas make this whole mess of life and love begin to make sense or at least allow one to move forward during trying times with some sense of hope. While in the midst of the greatest pain I've ever known these two concepts have allowed me to move forward and to trust that somehow, some day, I WILL live and I WILL love again.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 USMCHokie, Your thread title is captivating me… so you don’t want to believe in love anymore? Or at least, that is the thought running through your head then? I cannot resist adding my two cents on your thread. It’s a subject too important for me to ignore. Your experience of love in this last relationship was so powerful, it seems to me that now you are denying it. Did it really happen? Was it for real? Yes, it was. Don’t deny that you experienced love. It was a valuable experience. And don’t deny that you can experience that again. I believe what happened was you discovered love, in a truer and deeper sense. You discovered it, you discovered something special, and you are now aware that the something special exist. It’s love! That’s what we call it. The good news is that you can create that love again. Love is a dynamic experience. You don’t lose it, you grow from it. Don’t lose hope, don’t lose your belief in love. You will find someone who will love you again, and you will have the ability to love again. Next time around will be even better than the first, because you now know. Love is valuable. It changes lives. It changed yours! Don’t deny it. Believe in love… and use it. Thanks...but thinking and believing are two different things to me...rationally speaking, it would make sense that some woman out there would be willing to give me a chance...but it's hard to kick a mentality that I've been nursing all my life... What mentality have you been nursing all your life exactly?
Author USMCHokie Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 USMCHokie, Your thread title is captivating me… so you don’t want to believe in love anymore? I guess I believe in love...I believe that it's out there and it makes the world go round...but it feels like only certain people are entitled to it...and I'm not one of them... Your experience of love in this last relationship was so powerful, it seems to me that now you are denying it. Did it really happen? Was it for real? It was very real for me...very real...but thinking that I may have just been some fling to occupy her time while she was looking for a job or a better guy...it totally wrecks that feeling and makes me feel like no one would actually want me in their life like that... The good news is that you can create that love again. Love is a dynamic experience. You don’t lose it, you grow from it. I know...but it takes two to create love...and the tough part is finding that one who is willing to create love with you... Don’t lose hope, don’t lose your belief in love. You will find someone who will love you again, and you will have the ability to love again. Next time around will be even better than the first, because you now know. Love is valuable. It changes lives. It changed yours! Don’t deny it. Believe in love… and use it. I know...thanks Joolie... What mentality have you been nursing all your life exactly? That I'm not attractive enough for any woman to be remotely interested in dating me, let alone want to spend their life with me. Race has always been the underlying issue for me. Girls don't want different, so I learned to deal with it growing up. I thought I had lucked out and found the one who was willing to look past it... ..........
sean1970 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 That I'm not attractive enough for any woman to be remotely interested in dating me, let alone want to spend their life with me. Race has always been the underlying issue for me. Girls don't want different, so I learned to deal with it growing up. I thought I had lucked out and found the one who was willing to look past it... Are you a Klingon? Romulan? Confidence is what attracts women the most.
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