vogen Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Hello, I have had a relationship with my (now exgirlfriend) for about a year and a half... 2 days ago she told me that she couldn't do it anymore, that the fights were getting over whelming.. I was too controlling, that i didn't consider her feelings, and she didn't even know who she was anymore. I have cried intermittently for the past 2 days realizing how much of a jerk I am and how I wasn't trying to control her. I was just so infatuated with her that I started treating her like a paper doll and i took her for granted. I forgot that she was a human, and i viewed her as a tool. I failed to understand the fact that this could happen and acted like I was untouchable. Boy was I wrong. It has been 2 days no contact, and she told me today that she wants to meet with me this afternoon (through txting) and i just said "give me the time and i will be there" We haven't verbally spoken during this time. Is there any chance or any way to redeem myself when i see her this afternoon to get her back?
sean1970 Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Is there any chance or any way to redeem myself when i see her this afternoon to get her back? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/ Read it 10 times... Then read it again...
Author vogen Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 I read that list, but i was wondering if there is something i could do specifically today... Would bringing flowers to the meeting be too cliche?
trueblue72ny Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 maybe you should consider just slow down when you see her. dont act so infatuated. relax, and just listen to her, make her feeel good about things because you want her too feel good about you and things right? let her talk. pause, listen. right? and don't get all serious. just joke around. make her feel like she wants to come back. bringing flowers is gay. just my two cents.
sean1970 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I know this is odd but take her shopping... Yeah, take her shopping. I wish to the heavens I would have done something other than put us in a setting where were could 'talk'. To be honest, and listen to me here, you dont really want to talk to her yet. You want to have fun with her, you want her to have fun with you. Women love to shop and it is an easy thing to do as a pair. Make a list of a few people you have to shop for, people you both know would be even better. Hit the mall/center, make it about just having a good time. Set a time limit, tell her you have to leave then, and leave. DONT TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP <Sound effects: Sirens, explosions, people screaming >. DONT unless she does but still do all you can to make your leave time... Trust me...
Author vogen Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 I went and saw her today, unfortunately it was before I was able to read those suggestions.. However, She allowed me to hug her and we talked about things that I had done wrong, and things that I have realized that needed to change. We basically chatted for about 30 mins about this and she said that she still needs time to think and that she wanted to "find herself", and she didn't want to make a mistake. She said she would like to call me and start texting me again, but she wants me to try and keep it friendly. At the end of the night she grabbed my hands and said that if I remain hopeful things should turn out for the best. So I am hoping that I still have my shot..
EskimoPassingBy Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I have no advice but I only hope that things go well for you.
sean1970 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 At the end of the night she grabbed my hands and said that if I remain hopeful things should turn out for the best. Jesus, what the ex gets away with saying and we eat it. The hubris makes me ill. WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS!!!? So I am hoping that I still have my shot.. Yes, a shot at keeping some dignity if you disappear for a while. 'She said she would like to call me and start texting me again, but she wants me to try and keep it friendly' Translation: Help me get over you. Dont do that. Become rare.
Author vogen Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 so sean, essentially what you are saying is give her the space required, but don't blow up her phone with texts and seeming desperate? Instead go about my business and respond whenever she texts or calls? Should I ever invite her to go out and do stuff together (as was previously suggested, going to the mall etc.) when she does call me? Mostly, I was afraid when she said "keep it friendly" that basically all she wanted was for us to be friends so that it is much easier to her to break the final thread or just simply stop answering my texts and stuff because we "drifted apart" instead of the whole "its definitely over" bit. She is more a less a passive person. I, on the other hand, am confrontational.. So I feel that she is afraid to outright leave because of our conflicting nature. I fear that this is more of a ruse than an actual method of fixing things. If I had my second chance, I couldn't tell you how much I would fix. Had I understood the depth of this situation, I would have made adjustments. I hope she has the forgiveness and will power to give me this chance. What I can not figure out is if she actually is trying to sort things out, or simply keep me at arms distance until she is over me then bam she leaves.. We lived together for the last year, and when she left me she moved in with her parents. So right now she resides out there with all of her belongings. My heart wants to believe that she wants to remain in contact because she is having troubles like me and wants to sort through everything so we can get back on track again... Yet my mind says "get over it" she is only buying time for her own window to take her leave, and I will be left in the dust wondering "what happened?".
sean1970 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 (edited) so sean, essentially what you are saying is give her the space required, but don't blow up her phone with texts and seeming desperate? Instead go about my business and respond whenever she texts or calls? People want what they cant have. Should I ever invite her to go out and do stuff together (as was previously suggested, going to the mall etc.) when she does call me? Your meeting was already planned, that is why I said that. In short, no. When she does not call, dont you think, "I wonder what she is doing"? Dont you want her to think that? Let her do some of the work. Let her initiate things. WHen I did (and I ****ed it shortly after), my ex actually grabbed me and said, "pay attention to me!!!". Im not saying ignore her, just be less accessible. Take your time responding. So I feel that she is afraid to outright leave because of our conflicting nature. I fear that this is more of a ruse than an actual method of fixing things. The dumper usually has residual feelings too. They dont want to totally cut ties cause it hurts them or they feel guilt. After time, that wears off and contact is less and less. Getting dumped once is bad enough, getting 'friend' dumped is no fun either. Use this time to focus on you. Get to the gym, buy some new clothes, get a good hair cut. This process works even if you dont get your ex back as you are in the best place to attract a new mate when you are ready. If I had my second chance, I couldn't tell you how much I would fix. Had I understood the depth of this situation, I would have made adjustments. I hope she has the forgiveness and will power to give me this chance. Dude, get in line... Just dont be so hard on yourself. We all take our SO for granted, we all made mistakes. Just stop making them by trying to 'fix' things like you are tempted to now. My heart wants to believe that she wants to remain in contact because she is having troubles like me and wants to sort through everything so we can get back on track again... Yet my mind says "get over it" she is only buying time for her own window to take her leave, and I will be left in the dust wondering "what happened?". There is no doubt she has feelings about this. However, being in her grill, texting, or "baby baby please" will chase them away, trust me. Edited November 25, 2009 by sean1970
mmk1 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Vogen, I think that Sean is right. It seems to me that she has made her mind up to move on without you. It also seems like she wants intermittent contact when she wants it to make her feel better about letting you down easy and not be the bad guy. Maybe she wants to be friends, which is not what you want. As easy as it is but hard to do, STOP CONTACTING HER RIGHT NOW. DO NOT buy her things, send her gifts or write her love letters. This will absolutely kill and chance you may have left with her, which is really slim. It seems she has made her mind up but doesn't have the balls to be direct with you, cruelly allowing you to keep hope alive when she already knows it won't happen. Put yourself first, find other things to do and improve yourself so you do not make the same mistakes again, and we all make mistakes. You will be fine but do not hold on to this relationship, for your own good.
Author vogen Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 I feel like i am being either manipulated or played... I talked to her this morning and she said that right now she wants to be "independent" and do things on her own for a while, try to get her own life on track so she knows she doesn't need anyone. In the mean time, we will try to be friends, and when she is confident that we are friends, she wants to consider dating at that point. Then, if we hit it off well dating for the second time, then we will move in together. So to me this sounds like she wants me to stand idly by and watch her do whatever she wishes, then if she feels like it, or simply hasn't found anyone yet by this point, she will consider giving me a second shot. She specifically said "I want to give this a second chance, but I have to find myself first" and then she said "I don't want to date anyone else, don't worry. It is either you or no one" So if anyone else wishes to give me their thoughts, plz do
adamt Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 (edited) "she said that she still needs time to think and that she wanted to "find herself"" that's just lip service, i've had that said to me. we had a break. i even got an email in the break saying she missed me. 2 weeks later i was dumped and not a word from her after that. its the usually female type process of coming out of a relationship and trying to feel less guilty. It's all excuses rather than just sayign they dont fancy you anymore. they feel less bad about it. but it's giving you false hope best thing is to cut all contact and look after yourself now, you can't be friends while you have feelings for her. Edited November 26, 2009 by adamt
sean1970 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 So to me this sounds like she wants me to stand idly by and watch her do whatever she wishes, then if she feels like it, or simply hasn't found anyone yet by this point, she will consider giving me a second shot. It doesnt just sound like it, it is it. Vogen, really listen to these people. Even the ones that still hang on and do the the things that hurt their chances/healing (raises hand). Your instincts and she will betray you; we will not.
mmk1 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Vogen, she is playing you big time. She is trying to string you along unless while she looks for someone new. Once she finds that person, she will stop calling and hanging out with you. Take control, accept the breakup and stop contacting or replying to her, now! You will be glad you did.
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