dell2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Girlfriend and I have been dating for 9 months, LDR. Things have been going well for the most part...but not every relationship is perfect. She's in college and when she started again this fall the first week she said she needed space because of work, school and me. Then she ended up breaking up with me and realized she truely did love me and miss me and got back together with me a week later. Just a few days ago she said she needs space. We used to hang out every weekend (we only missed like 5 since we first started dating) and now she doesnt want to see me every weekend. She said she didn't have time to herself to just relax if she wanted to, or go out with friends. She said she felt as if she lost touch with some of her friends (mostly guys), and she doesnt want that. She also said when she first met me i had lots of attractive qualities, but now it seems like there are less of that. So we hung out for a day or 2 more after that was said.. it was a little akward at times because she said she felt smothered, but then she would want me to stay and just hang out.. so it was rather confusing. I asked her what the situation is now since I was leaving for thanksgiving and won't be with her. And I probably won't see her for the next 2-3 weekends (which is longest we went without seeing each other) and she says she still wants to be together, just needs a little space, and the time apart will let us see how we really feel about the relationship. I told her that' s ridiculous because I feel that it's just an easy way to let someone down and space usually means breakup, so let's breakup. Then she said it was ironic that I would be breaking up with her when she just needed space. and hypothetically speaking if we broke up she said she knew she would miss me and want to get back together.. so let's just do space. And she knows as I told her the last time she broke up with me that if we broke up again its done because i don't want to be in one of those on and off relationships. hence thats why i thikn she truely just wants space and isn't trying to let me down easily. So obviously my best bet here is to let her be, but we used to talk multipole times a day, text, skype etc. Should I make any effort in random texts here and there on how her day is going, or should I just let her contact me for now and never initiate contact?
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 1. Never initiate contact. 2. If she calls or contacts, keep it neutral, impersonal and under ten minutes. Never ask what she is doing or what she is up to, and if she talks about it, just stay quiet or change the subject. Always be too 'busy' to make it more than that. 3. If she calls or contacts, do not talk about your relationship. If she tries, remind her that she wanted 'space' and that you do not want to talk about relationships, and that you need space from stuff like that. 4. If she calls or contacts, only respond to one out of every three or so and do not 'return' messages or texts, etc. Only talk to her when she can reach you in person, and even then let it go to VM for a day or two and then pick up the third time (not necessarily exact numbers, but make it clear that she is not high on your priority list). If she asks why, tell her that you are really busy these days. Be vague. 5. Meet and hang out with new girls. Keeping you in 'space' limbo while she is out there shopping around (and that is what people who ask for space are doing) is unfair. Don't make it a secret that you are hanging out with new girls - if she asks, just say that you are hanging out with different people and drop a few girl names. Otherwise, offer no personal information. 6. If she gets angry, calmly remind her that she asked for space, and that you need space as well and do not appreciate her anger. If necessary, say that you need to go and hang up. 7. No 'I love you', 'I miss you', etc. If she does it, just change the subject. If she insists on bringing the conversation back to it, say you are busy and get off the phone. Basically you are letting her know in no uncertain terms that she will be treated differently and with considerably less priority as long as she is on a 'break'. Being a committed girlfriend comes with privileges that she forfeits during a 'break'. She'll get it. Usually when you smack something back at someone with twice the force that they tossed it at you they get the picture pretty quickly.
jerseyboy Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 1. Never initiate contact. 2. If she calls or contacts, keep it neutral, impersonal and under ten minutes. Never ask what she is doing or what she is up to, and if she talks about it, just stay quiet or change the subject. Always be too 'busy' to make it more than that. 3. If she calls or contacts, do not talk about your relationship. If she tries, remind her that she wanted 'space' and that you do not want to talk about relationships, and that you need space from stuff like that. 4. If she calls or contacts, only respond to one out of every three or so and do not 'return' messages or texts, etc. Only talk to her when she can reach you in person, and even then let it go to VM for a day or two and then pick up the third time (not necessarily exact numbers, but make it clear that she is not high on your priority list). If she asks why, tell her that you are really busy these days. Be vague. 5. Meet and hang out with new girls. Keeping you in 'space' limbo while she is out there shopping around (and that is what people who ask for space are doing) is unfair. Don't make it a secret that you are hanging out with new girls - if she asks, just say that you are hanging out with different people and drop a few girl names. Otherwise, offer no personal information. 6. If she gets angry, calmly remind her that she asked for space, and that you need space as well and do not appreciate her anger. If necessary, say that you need to go and hang up. 7. No 'I love you', 'I miss you', etc. If she does it, just change the subject. If she insists on bringing the conversation back to it, say you are busy and get off the phone. Basically you are letting her know in no uncertain terms that she will be treated differently and with considerably less priority as long as she is on a 'break'. Being a committed girlfriend comes with privileges that she forfeits during a 'break'. She'll get it. Usually when you smack something back at someone with twice the force that they tossed it at you they get the picture pretty quickly. Awesome post
Author dell2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 It's just annoying when she says she wants to stay together and be exclusive but not needs some space and breathing room. There's no time set on when she thinks the space will be done. We both do realize we won't see each other for a few weeks maybe as many as 3-4. So basically I have to also give her that vibe that I'm not going to be there for her, right? When i did say i miss u or i love u she said she's not going to say that stuff because she needs space and it makes her uncomfortable. That's crap. Its like she wants me to wait around for her or something. And moving on dating other girls would make the whole thing not exclusive. But Lucrezia I am going to follow your points. When I do answer if she calls, I think I am not going to care about whats going on in her life, andnot bother really asking, maybe touch base on mine a bit then let her go. But she's not really that girl that would go out and try to contact someone. If I ignored her for a day, I think I'd get a text like a few days later, and that's it then she'd give up. At least that's the kind of vibe I feel from what kind of person she is..
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Just remember to be neutral, not mean. Indifference is far better in this case than anger.
justforfun Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Basically you are letting her know in no uncertain terms that she will be treated differently and with considerably less priority as long as she is on a 'break'. Being a committed girlfriend comes with privileges that she forfeits during a 'break'. I was wondering where you were going with the points. Sounded like a manipulation game. Until I got to this gem! That's a darn good one. I'll add that to my box of tools if you don't mind.
Author dell2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 i spoke to her a little last night over skype. things were fun to talk and she was excited to see my fam. then i told her to take time to think what she wants and she has a week to decide. then she calls me early this morning to say hi, some small talk , say happy thanksgiving, etc. i wrote her an email and told her i dont want small talk and she said it would be nice to talk here and there, especially since we are together and just need a little breathing room. finally i told her to give me some space, as that is what she wanted, and she can let me know within a week if she wants to try and work things out, if not we're done.
mark982 Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 now that you've told her where the crap stands, do what LB said and go nc.
jamcherries Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Yes, Lucrezia Borgia's to-do list is excellent.
jamcherries Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Oh and, if you do a quick skim of relationship problems in which the gf 'needs space', you'll see it's because they have someone they want to try out while the safe option waits in the background.
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