Hedgewitch Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 This is a long story so I'm going to try to keep it simple and paint in broad strokes here. My husband has never in 7 years been the "jealous type" and had always been comfy with me chatting to other guys until "D" came along. Long story short, "D" and I never met but husband got very hurt because it turned out to be a rather emotional affair and I was in the wrong for letting it get so intense. "D" ended up vanishing (cowardly but effective) and after my husband and I talked at length as to why I had an emotional affair and I expressed my need for some excitement we started musing about things like threesomes and the possibility of each of us having one no strings attached night with someone and leaving it at that. Fast forward a week later and we both had "casual encounters" lined up and were feeling ok about it. Then I had second thoughts and called the whole deal off...but he continued to talk to the girl he met off Craiglist until I found out and freaked out. He was planning to meet her. He claims he only continued to talk to her because he was still hurt over the "D" thing and he claims he doesn't think he would have done anything if he met her and they were just going to go for coffee. He phoned her in front of me and told her it was off. Regardless, now I'm hurt. So. I had an open long distance emotional affair that lasted about a month. I hurt my husband. He had a secret, short duration communication with some chick off Craigslist who he was planning to meet behind my back. He hurt me. I'd appreciate nobody judging us on the whole threesome/NSA thing too. My husband and I have always been the open and exploratory type but this is the first time things have gone badly. We now both agree that the whole one night stand with someone else idea was totally horrible and will not consider it again. He says he agreed to it because he was hurt over my emotional affair. He says he's glad he hurt me because it forced me to wake up as well as owning up to the damage I caused. Bottom line. How do we cope with this? How do we move on and regain trust? This is the first time in 7 years we've ever been anything but totally open with eachother and this has left me feeling suspicious, depressed and angry. Can anyone offer me any insight?
Dexter Morgan Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 So. I had an open long distance emotional affair that lasted about a month. I hurt my husband. He had a secret, short duration communication with some chick off Craigslist who he was planning to meet behind my back. He hurt me. you agree to have an open type relationship, swinging, whatever, you take what comes with it. I guess I am confused. If I understand correctly, you both had agreed and lined up people to screw around with, but are hurt by it? uh....ok. seems that both of you want to be able to f### other people, but don't want the other to do it. I'd appreciate nobody judging us on the whole threesome/NSA thing too. My husband and I have always been the open and exploratory type but this is the first time things have gone badly. We now both agree that the whole one night stand with someone else idea was totally horrible and will not consider it again. If either of you are going to be all hurt by the other messing around, your WHOLE way of life with regards to this relationship is out of whack, not just this whole one night stand idea. maybe you both should drop the messing around and be faithful to one another...you think you can handle that? having sex with just your H for the remainder of your lives? He says he agreed to it because he was hurt over my emotional affair. he agreed to it? meaning it was your idea, he agreed, and then you all of a sudden wanted to back out? He says he's glad he hurt me because it forced me to wake up as well as owning up to the damage I caused. Bottom line. How do we cope with this? start by dropping the swinging/effing around lifestyle. that kind of lifestyle is only suitable for couples that truly don't give a crap who the other messes around with. How do we move on and regain trust? dunno. you both seem to have desires for other people...how can you trust anyone with that mindset?
Author Hedgewitch Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 (edited) We're not swingers. We've never been with anyone else during our marriage. We were just entertaining the idea. I messed up and let a friendship with someone online get too intense and he was really hurt over it. This is what sparked the discussions about adding more excitement to our already pretty great sex life. But this was a first and obviously not for the best. We are looking to move on and continue being faithful to eachother (technically nothing happened with either of us). I just worry that now that he has some chick he can contact at any time to go get a sneaky session from, maybe he will. I'm probably just being paranoid and time will probably heal all these wounds we've caused eachother. He says he's truly not interested in her. He says he only pursued her in secret because he resented me over "D" and he thought I may change my mind. Not because he was going to go get some on the side behind my back. Is it just me or does that sound wrong? He says now that "D" isn't around and he feels vindicated by what he did behind my back, we're even and it's all good. Edited to say: She called his cell a few days ago (I was there) and he actually screamed at her and told her never to contact him again. Should I rest easy? Edited November 24, 2009 by Hedgewitch
aeh Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 That would comfort me if he had screamed at her in front of me. Read my posts and you'll see how painful/screwed up of a mindset one can get after being betrayed. I was formerly a "normal" person. Read "the agony and the ecstasy"...it takes your situation to a whole different level. Don't go there.
whichwayisup Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Marriage counselling..Book an appointment and work with your husband to get things where they should be. Two wrongs don't make a right, each of you screwed up. Now, it'll take the BOTH of you to fix this. Noone is worse than the other.. You don't need another man he doesn't need another woman to make your marriage happy again. GO out and date .. Eachother. Dress up, get kinky, fool around in the car, hold hands, make out at the movie theatre.. Remember what it was that made you fall for him years ago..Be silly, be fun and be spontanious. Spice it up. With that said, the counseling will help each of you learn how to communicate and really listen to one another..Something that has to happen is rebuilding of trust and respect again. Good luck. Keep posting.
ADF Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Opening up a monogamous relationship to third parties is a HUUUGE step, and it sounds like you guys took it way too lightly. Or you did. Frankly, your husband sounds like the victim here. You had an emotional affair behind his back. He found out, but forgave you. You decided, together, to open up the relationship. Apparently, he had no problem with that. He only approached a third person AFTER you'd given permission. But then you suddenly decided you did have a problem with that after all! You turned and demanded your husband stop. You come across as a liar, a bully, and a control freak. I have no idea why your husbands wants you.
Author Hedgewitch Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 Um. My emotional affair was in the OPEN. What a rude thing of you to say. My husband probably wants me for many reasons. You don't know us. We both ****ed up and at least I didn't try to MEET the guy behind his back. I think we BOTH messed up. I am not a "liar, a bully or a control freak" He has his issues that push me away too. You don't know me, how dare you judge.
ADF Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 How dare I judge? I dare judge because you asked for an opinion. If you hadn't asked, I wouldn't have answered. Next time, make it clear you only want positive feedback.
jnj express Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Hey hedge, you are both lucky, now that you have both played with fire, and gotten singed, hopefully you have learned your lesson. Start spending your time with each other and friends of your mge. ONLY. Mge., is hard enuff, especially after a long period of time it gets, monotonous, boring and old, the early passion is no longer there, midlife crisis creeps in, you have a number of things that you need to fight off just to keep things good, w/out openly trying to wreck the mge. Start dating each other, go to social events with friends you can trust, not to invade your mge. I don't know whether you have kids, but if you do, extra time with their activities would fill your time. Both of you do not trust each other, and you are going to need to work hard to get that back. Just stop playing with fire, you just might burn the mge. up.
Author Hedgewitch Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 That's very good advice, Jnj. I will take that to heart.
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