Anyone ever done a Theraputic Separation?

[2sunny]

i bet if you pulled the rug out from underneath her - she may get a huge wakeup call.

 

she's manipulating you - and you're letting her. she plays the lovey dovey card with you because she knows she'll get her way with you. women do this - it works.

 

i'd tell her to get out. get out and don't call or come back unless you mean business - and that means NEVER speak of leaving again.

 

evey time you respond to her advances, texts, calls - she's working you over - to get what she wants.

 

cut her off - make her uncomfortable. if she continues along being perfectly happy and comfortable - she'll never change - and the situation is bound to stay this way for the next 20 years.

 

do not react - or overreact to her at all. this is her ammo - and it seems to get her what she wants - a reaction out of you to make sure she gets comfortable again.

 

she's created this mess - let her live with the mess she's created.

 

and yes, i'd be willing to bet money she is planning (at least in her head) how to be with the guy from work.

 

if she stays and you don't divorce - she needs to quit that job the very day she decides to stay with you. if not, she really isn't intending to stay with you at all.

 

bust her cake eating, fence sitting a$$! she gives women a bad rap!

[GoodDad]

So Friday night was really bad. We got into it over things then went to get a Xmas tree and on the way back, took two cars thankfully, I got into a terrible car accident. I was t-boned by a car going 50 mph and the whole passenger side was smashed in. Wife had to take me to the ER.

 

I am doing ok, no one was seriously hurt. I am stiff and on muscle relaxers...

 

So wife was super nice this morning, took care of getting rental car, mine isnt driveable, then we fought because she is still going to that office party. I told her I hoped she enjoyed playing footsy with the OM.

 

I know I know, childish, but I was hurt she went. She thinks it ok because we have a date planned for after. I am the big sucker still trying my heart out on this and getting yanked in every direction...

 

All the advice to kick her to the curb is heard loud and clear... I just can't seem to give up the ghost. It's like I have to try everything to salvage this, even though I have no idea what I am even trying to salvage anymore.

 

Peace and drive safely my friends...

 

GD

[GoodDad]

So I sit here hopped up on muscle relaxers from the car wreck and think about where all this has gotten me. Went out with the STBX over the weekend after her party and actually had fun, but she seemed distant. Even sex felt off. Don't ask me why I'm still sleeping with her, I am out of control. I have some twisted mindset of trying to keep pretending nothing is wrong when EVERYTHING is... I know I should wall off the love I feel for her, but I can't seem too. It's just there... Even through all of this, I never stopped loving her, even when its now, physically damaging to my being. Part of me knows I HAVE TO DETACH, but I can't seem too. I can't seem to squash the hope that we have a chance, albeit a slim one.

 

Everything has felt off since the accident with her due to her feeling guilty, that our fights is what distracted me and contributed to the accident.

 

She is someone who freaks out over guilt and gets overwhelmed. She took a lot of crap for going to the party after I got into the accident. People were shocked she still came. Well, what the hell did she think would happen?? She needs to start making better choices if she doesn't want people to look at her like she is nuts.

 

But back to sitting here at home today thinking about our relationship and life. I always pride myself on keeping it together and focused and I got distracted and totalled my car. I did that. It was MY fault, regardless of her crap she was throwing at me, it was me who lost focus for a minute. I am just glad no one was more injured.

 

So I am having a little pity party for myself, about my F'd up situation and now having to deal with the car crap on top of everything else...

 

How do you just let it go and let will be, be... it is so hard. I feel like I am trying to hold water in my hands with open fingers and it all keeps running out. Will I ever get a commited partner again? The taking it day by day has turned into taking it minute by minute....

 

peace

 

GD

[citygal16]

Hi GD--

I've never been on a forum like this before, but I was browsing and saw your posts -- it's interesting when you think that your situation is so unique and messed up and then you realize that there are other people out there going through the EXACT same thing! My husband and I started seeing a MC after he started an emotional relationship with a girl at work...which, of course, I found through the (very) uncharacteristic way of snooping. And, just like you, this chick actually dissed him, which spiralled him into a mopey depression. Which is pretty insulting when your own husband is depressed because another woman doesn't like him. Sigh...Thus started the counseling and now we are at that "should we/shouldn't we" stage on the separation topic. This stage is really a pain, I must admit, because the limbo of it all makes for an unbearable existence. Part of me wants to mentally move on, and part of me thinks I need to push for it to work. One day he loves me, the next day he's shopping for a new apartment. So, like you, I'm confused....and hurt...and shocked that my life has taken this turn. Even worse...we have a 2 week trip to the French Alps planned for the holidays, which I'm now dreading.

 

But I get what you're going through -- hang in there! And I must say, it's refreshing to hear a husband going through the same thing, so now I can't blame it all on men being buttheads

 

And also, maybe the painkillers aren't such a bad idea!

[GoodDad]

Hey CityGal,

 

On one level I am really sorry you are here, on another it will be good to get the perspective of someone in a similar situation but of the opposite sex. Although we are all just passengers on the Titanic on this point, drinking our champagne and listening to the music as the ship goes down..

 

Yup, we are in similar situations, and you are right, not only men are buttheads. There are plenty of ladies wearing the butthead moniker proudly.

 

We just got out of MC an hour ago and spent a large part of it talking about my wifes fantasy "crush" on this OM and how she needs to affair proof the marriage. She is actually convinced he would be interested if she was single. My wife is a beautiful lady, but she definitely thinks very highly of herself indeed.

 

At least we finally talked about how as this process goes forward its not all my wifes choice, she might make all these changes and then I realize I don't want her. There's no guarantees when these dunderheads begin these EA's what the outcome is going to be.

 

I am exactly where you are in the half wanting to mentally move on, half wanting it work. After this whole session she hugged me and said, if we can work through this we will be so strong a couple....then she said she doesn't know why I would even want her after the things she just said in counseling about wanting to be with me, physically and emotionally, but having this twisted desire for someone else. Sometimes I wonder the same thing.

 

As you said though, limboland sucks. We should see how long both of us last at it, because the more her waffling continues the more it makes me want to give up the ghost.

 

Good luck to you and will follow your story too CG.

 

As for the Alps. We had a number of trips planned during the course of this. We just got back from a giant wedding in Mexico for one of her friends and had some other travelling we had to do. It does make it hard. Look at it this way. If you go, have fun no matter what and show that man what he would be missing if he lost you. That is the best way to handle it. Leave him going oh my god, I am giving up this vivacious fun person for some crappy work fling that doesn't even want me??? Then it is up to you whether its worth working with someone who could let his eye wander in the first place!

 

Take Care,

 

GD

[theflagal]

Maybe it would be good for her to leave for awhile. I don't like knowing my H could scarifice me for the unknown or another woman. Not a very good feeling. He never left me but just knowing he could risk losing me was enough. I will never feel the love I once had for him again. I say let her go. Enjoy your kids and your life. Make yourself happy. She needs to decide for herself what she needs. You may find that life without her will be good for you too.

[citygal16]

Thanks for the advice, Good Dad!

I will definitely try to make the best of it on my trip... skiing is a good way to get out aggression anyway! How long have you been in this limbo, though?! It sounds like quite a while...it's been about 2 months for me and it's felt like an eternity. Am I being impatient?? I just can't "smile through it" anymore. I'm thinking of leaving while he's at work to my parents vacation home to get a breather.... but I'm hesitant that that might make things worse. Last night, he said that "he thinks he wants to be with me" -- so I asked to DO something that would lead me to believing that. But do I really want to be with someone who "thinks" they want to be with me anyway?? I hadn't mentioned earlier, but we don't have kids and one of the big problems is that he's not ready yet....but it's been YEARS and I'm afraid it'll be too late for me by the time he is ready. So definitely be thankful that you have children... at least you'll have them! As opposed to being truly ALONE if things don't work out.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow you got into a car accident and she went a company party while you layed at home in pain!

 

Wow if that was me laying there trust I would have been more than pissed off.

 

Time for the big d. She's an idiot for not being a faithful wife. The OM would be interested if she was single. Well lets make that a reality shall we!

 

Let's see how she fares when she is!

[GoodDad]

CityGal,

 

I have been in LimboLand since the very end of September so about 2 1/2 months, so not too much longer than you. But like you said, it FEELS like an eternity. I can't even remember anymore what it felt like pre-bomb when I was convinced she loved me and I loved her and yes we had issues, but we could work through anything. My wife gives me the same spiel yours does. That she is torn and confused, and part of her wants this to work out, but part of her just wants the confusion to end and to just call it quits. She said in MC when she is in my arms it feels like home. In out, up down, its maddening. I don't know how you deal with it CG...it sounds like our spouses are peas in a pod.

 

Having a daughter together is bittersweet though, be careful what you wish for CG. I wouldn't trade her for the WORLD. She is beyond adorable and an incredibly smart 3 1/2 year old, but I am a smitten Dad so of course I would say that, but it happens to be true as well. If you could see pictures you would be a true believer.

 

But the thought of her being in pain drives me crazy and if her mom and I split I can't prevent that pain. It's just what it is. So for me its not about being alone. I want wants best for my little girl, whatever that turns out to be. I love her so much...

 

I also have a stepson who is about to turn 11 who I love dearly as well. His bio-dad is such a jerk. He has cancelled visitation with him and we are going on a month without him seeing him. He is in his 40's and married a 21 year old and big surprise, they are having major issues. They have a son together and the new wife doesn't like my stepson and its causing lots of issues putting the poor kid in the middle. That's another reason I can't believe my wife is pulling all this crap right now, the kiddo would not handle his mom and me splitting well as I have been the only decent male influence in his life for over half his life. Seriously, if we had abuse issues or addiction issues I could understand this. But chasing after that fresh "In Love" feeling or rush. She doesn't get that mature love has a component of that but shifts into an ebb and flow as two people partner and raise a family together. A strong relationship is where sometimes you get fed up with your partner sometimes, but can refall in love with them over and over if you open yourself to that....

 

Yes, you are right, I will never be truly alone. I have my little girl. But at best I will lose being able to snuggle and tuck my little girl in every night if we do a 50/50 custody and have to deal with her heartache and crying for mommy when she is with me. She is still at such a young age, she just isn't going to understand this. Much less the upheaval of having to live in different places away from the only home she knows. Also, my relationship with my stepson will never be the same...According to my "wonderfully in tune" wife, the kids will handle it fine. They bounce back. And if I mention the kids I am playing the "kid" card. So we don't go there. But it is always on my mind. She thinks because her son bounced back after she divorced his Dad that is the model. But he bounced back because I came into their lives and we created a solid stable loving home for him and he won't have that this time.

 

I hear you on the waiting for years thing on having kids. One of the huge stressors on our marriage this last year was we tried to have another baby and it just didn't happen. It made my wife really unhappy not to be able to get pregnant and it affected her in ways I didn't realize at the time. I looked at it that we had 2 awesome kids already and if it happened it happened so it wasn't like we had no kids so didn't understand her despondency at the time. I understand more now how it affected her ego and self worth that she couldn't conceive as easily as she had before. Moot point now as even if we work things out I doubt we would try for another baby for a long time....

 

But I am thankful for what I have. I wouldn't trade one minute with my little girl for anything. I had always wanted to be a Dad.

 

The strain on your marriage regarding different desires to have or not have kids can be a huge deal if one person wants a family and the other person isn't ready for a long time.

 

That definitely is an issue to discuss in MC. What sucks is that you have to get past the are you even going to stay together part before you can start talking about that issue which probably should be addressed as it sounds like you are on different pages regarding kids.

 

Sorry you are in this same LimboLand as I am though. I think we should get shirts made up that say,

 

"My spouse brought me to LimboLand and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

 

Hang in there!

 

GD

Edited December 8, 2009 by GoodDad

[citygal16]

I think I would LOVE that t-shirt! Either that or "My partner is a weenie." Applies perfectly in both cases

 

Interesting that you bring up MC....because we started seeing a therapist 2 months ago when everything blew up in my face.... we went to one session and then the therapist suggested that only my husband should go from then on. Soooo... at first, I liked this. It verified my opinion that there was something wrong with HIM, not me... but anyways, the last few weeks he's been attending on his own, he seems more and more capable of actually leaving...like the therapy is giving him the clarity to finally have the courage to leave. Then, on Thursday, he said "the therapist suggested that we should separate" -- UMMMM excuse me?!?! I thought he was seeing the therapist on his own to fix his own issues (not wanting a family, fears of getting older, etc), not to discuss my marriage w/o me there. So, basically now I'm really stressed about what has been said in these sessions...I'm totally in the dark. I think this is highly unusual...but what do I know?!

 

As for your wife, it's interesting that not that long ago she wanted another child with you, but now she's not even sure if she wants to be with you. That's weird! What if she had conceived? Would you never had had this problem? Or would it have just postponed it? But I hear you about upsetting your daughter and stepson. But as long as you stay in her life and be a great father to her, she's never going to have "daddy issues". Most kids of divorce have to deal with one of the parents going off and being selfish and that's why they have issues with the divorce. But you're not talking the D word yet, so no need to think that far in advance.

 

As for your W wanting that "in love" feeling, it's funny because my H seems to think the same thing. And I totally think that love changes and develops with time as well. It's ridiculous to throw away a perfectly good relationship just because he/she is looking for that feeling of a crush, which ALWAYS withers in time.... but then again, do u deserve someone who is willing to throw away your love just for some dude that she thinks might like her if she's single? Sounds very selfish, if you ask me. Like both of our spouses are choosing their immediate satisfaction over the feelings of all the people connected to the marriage. I mean, everyone is affected by this... my family, friends, his family...they are all really upset....AND ALL 4 WHAT?!

 

Hmmmmm....

[GoodDad]

I think you got a sucky MC CG. Mine suggested we do a 90 day freeze on Separation talk and immediately get in IC which we both did. My IC has focused on helping me work through my issues and its helped a lot. I think no matter what happens with my wife I am going to be ready to be a better person and not fall into the same communication, resentment traps I did during the course of our marriage. We both had terrible communication as my wife is a bottler so I didn't realize how bad the issues were getting until it was too late. I have the tendency to avoid conflict and can push people away which I am working on and now that I realize I do that have made big strides on it. We should have been in counseling (IC and MC) a year ago...

 

Her counselor seems more bent sometimes on helping her be ok with the decision of leaving and other times giving her advice on how to make the marriage better. The only thing that pissed me off about what she told her was that it was perfectly normal that her attentions turned elsewhere since she didn't feel she was getting the love she needed at home and felt rejected. I still don't quite agree with that though I understand it. But yeah, I think her IC is helping her build up her courage in some ways too or get her to the point that she is ok if it doesn't work out, which can seem at odds to the MC we are doing at the same time. The first book she had her read was Eat, Love, and Pray which when I looked up the reviews on is about a woman leaving a marriage, finding a young lover, going to Italy and finding herself and her spirituality. But my wife never ended up reading it. Maybe she is trying to live it instead. I can't believe I even just typed that.

 

I know what you are saying about her wanting to have a child. We were trying up until she dropped the bomb 2 months ago and even had a scare because she was 10 days late at the end of that month and had to deal with the emotional issues of possibly her being pregnant and what that would mean. I still can't believe she was trying up until that point!!! I mean, how much of a mixed signal could she give me that things weren't as bad as they obviously were. If we were still trying to get pregnant I didn't realize how unhappy she was. My wife is very good at hiding her true thoughts and feelings which makes me both shocked that she is being so open now on certain things and also causes me to have trust issues about her true motivations and desires. It does make me wonder if she had gotten pregnant what that would have fixed as it wouldn't have solved all the issues under the surface, definitely not a mature way to deal with life, but through all this one thing I have been shocked with is how immature my wife actually is. I guess I never saw that before when now it seems quite obvious. An advanced degree does not make a wise person nor a high responsibility position at work.

 

But you nailed it on the head. The family who are looped in on the situation and close friends keep pointing out to me the key word that comes to mind with my spouse, and it sounds like yours as well. S-E-L-F-I-S-H. Marriage takes work. Long Term Relationships take work. There are ups and downs. When you make that commitment, especially with children involved you should really take the effort to make it work unless there are the "Big Ticket Items" like Emotional or Physical abuse, addiction, cheating. Although even the last two can be worked through in some marriages. But we had none of that. We had a drifting apart through complacency and focusing so hard on both our careers and being busy with the kids that we didn't nurture our relationship enough. But we had a lot of good times and love too. We fell into a lot of the married with kids traps, that doesn't mean we can't work through those issues. She even said after MC last night, wow, if we make it through this we will be such a strong couple for having dealt with it. And she said this morning that she is so afraid that what if when we finish therapy we revert back to how it was before. I truly believe that won't happen if we put in the work and guard against it. But then she goes to work and talks to friends and family and seems to pull away again. Who knows what she truly wants. I just know it can't all be about her. It's about me too. Hopefully she will realize that before its too late.... The MC talked about that last night too, that its what I want as well, but not sure she internalized it.

 

And we have crossed the D line discussion as well. About a week ago she had a meltdown and said she just wanted to stop feeling guilty about her conflicted emotions and causing me pain and just wanted a divorce. So we talked about how we would split things and do 50/50 joint physical custody with my daughter. Then we had an emotional turn about it all actually ending and both cried, because we still felt love for each other but couldn't seem to figure out how to fix it. We went to MC the next night and it came back to just being seperated again and hold off on a D and still try to work on things. Our MC really thinks our issues are resolvable, but you have to have 2 to Tango and if my wife doesn't get on board soon with actually figuring out what the heck she wants already its hard to keep hope of this actually working out.

 

Let's hope yours wakes up soon that there is a point where those of us on the other side of the waffle iron may decide enough is enough and reach OUR breaking points...

 

Then in honor of your T-shirt idea we can have a "Weenie-Roast"! Ha, thanks for the laugh. Needed that.

 

Take care,

 

GD

Edited December 8, 2009 by GoodDad

[JLoves]

I somehow missed your thread getting longer. Just caught up and subscribed. I hope things go the way you want them to.

 

I keep thinking while I been reading your posts... I wish we could pick up the SO, slap them on the face a bit and say 'Look! I've worked it out, if we both do this this and this, it will work out fine'. But we all know that's like pissing into the wind. It just comes back at ya and makes a mess.

 

Happy thoughts GD. Things will get better. However they turn out.. It's gotta be better than this..

 

J

[GoodDad]

Thanks J...

 

Things had been getting better. We had been getting closer this week, communication is better, everything, but still had some ups and downs. She had stopped talking about moving out once she realized how expensive it was.

 

But we just talked and she still wants to do this trial seperation thing. She found a cheap month to month extended stay which includes utilities and wants to do the rotational thing still and keep the kids in the house and keep working on us in counseling and dating. I told her that it had been getting better and I understand her need for space, but I truly felt it would make working on us that much harder if she moves out, I just do. She thinks it may actually help get some clarity.

 

She wants to do it after the holidays as she finally agrees I was right not to disrupt that for the kids.

 

I am trying to maintain a positive feeling about her still wanting to work on things, but right now it feels fake... I am just down. She has to travel in Jan too for a week and probably another trip. I said, then why not do this move out thing in Feb instead, but she took that to mean I was trying to keep pushing this out further and further which I probably was.

 

So everything Ive read says to keep positive and do the 180 and act like if they want to leave thats fine and all, and I am trying, but it just hurts. Every time I think we are getting better, and we are, it feels like its never going to be enough for her...and it probably won't. Why am I the only one who doesn't see that. Why do I keep trying anymore...

 

I just feel numb.

 

Just had to post. Sitting here at work and having trouble focusing.

 

Peace,

 

GD

[citygal16]

Hi GD!

Glad to hear things got better this week. I crashed my husbands therapy session last night, as I didn't think it was right that I wasn't attending my own MC. Minor detail! But there have been some developments this week, that maybe you should try... I finally woke up the other day (an awakening of sorts), fed up with this waiting game. As you know, it's not easy waiting for your partner to decide if they love you. And really, what are they going to figure out in the next month or so that would make the decision clearer?? NOTHING! SO.... I sat H down and I said 2 things:

 

1) That I was no longer going to make this easy for him and give him "the out". I KNOW what I want and if he doesn't, then he is going to have to LEAVE me. Not "separate", which implies some sort of mutual decision. There's no way I'm going to let him tear my life in two and then leave me with any guilt, as if I played some part in all of this. It's on HIS shoulders. He will have to LEAVE. So then, he'll have to deal with the regret. Not I.

 

2) I told him that I would not be able to do a separation. If he leaves, I will be moving on. Not because I'm looking forward to finding someone new, but because I wouldn't be able to mentally or emotionally take the separation and the waiting game that would ensue. If he wants out, that will be it. No "trial period".

 

Now, I didn't say these things to threaten him or anything, they are just simply the way I feel right now. Anyways, after saying all of this, he now says that he wants to be together! Now, of course, I'm taking this all with a grain of salt, as it's hard to believe this is really it, but I'm taking it one day at a time right now. And enjoying the flowers and dinners in the meanwhile But the moral of this portion of the story (I think) is that I was being TOO easy on him, letting him actually think he can take his time figuring out "what he wants". And by standing by him in the meanwhile. Because if you give someone room for slack, they will slack off. I almost think it's more a problem of human nature rather than a problem of the relationship.

 

When your wife first said she "wasn't sure" if she wanted to be married anymore, I wonder what would have happened if you said "well then, leave me now. I'm not going to sit around while you figure this out." Of course, that would have been an impossible reaction, as you have a heart and a conscience....but I wonder if things would be different now??

 

Just a thought. Keep me updated! And try to have a good weekend! Maybe a cozy night on the couch with a classic movie and homemade hot cocoa is in order! I don't know where you're located, but it's COLD here!

[BearMox]

Things had been getting better. We had been getting closer this week, communication is better, everything, but still had some ups and downs. She had stopped talking about moving out once she realized how expensive it was.

 

But we just talked and she still wants to do this trial seperation thing

On the bright side it could be much worse. In my situation my wife wanted separation and demanded I move out. Turned out there was a full EA going on.

 

If a counselor thinks its a good idea that you guys take a mutual time out, rotating equally through the house -- I'd be all in to give it a try.

[GoodDad]

Hey CG,

 

Glad your situation is going better. Good for you standing up for yourself.

 

Things are still up and down. One minute good, the next she is blaming me for pushing her away before even though I am not now.

 

Who knows where it will end up. Trying to take it day by day, but its kind of on a down note. I think you misread my post. It had been going better, but then she said I was being passive aggressive even though I tried to explain I hadn't meant something that way. She is still a ball of hurt 3 months into this, so I don't know if it is all recoverable from. If she would meet me halfway. Who knows. Maybe the ultimatum you gave is the way to go, but as Jlove saw, the ultimatum can go to the negative and end things too.

 

But I like your advice about cocoa and a classic movie. I love the classics. Not THAT cold here, in Central Texas. Hook em!

 

Take care.

 

Bearmox,

 

It wasn't the MC who suggested it, it was my wife, we were trying to avoid that. The MC is just trying to go along with whatever works for us to resolve our issues and is trying to avoid divorce as she doesn't think its warranted in our case based on the 3 months of therapy. We will see what happens when we get to the point of her moving out. I don't know how I will react. I don't want to think about it this weekend though. She is working all weekend and we are supposed to go to one of her friends Birthday parties tonight. Will see how that goes.

 

Peace out ya'll.

 

Deep in the heart of Tejas.

 

GD

[GoodDad]

Wow...

 

I just noticed I was an established member now... Don't know whether to laugh or cry.

 

 

Welcome to the LS Seperation/Divorce Tango Officially...

 

[tojaz]

Wow...

 

I just noticed I was an established member now... Don't know whether to laugh or cry.

 

 

Welcome to the LS Seperation/Divorce Tango Officially...

 

 

Welcome to the fold of lost souls GD. Haven't had it in me to post much lately but I have been following your thread and really feel for you man. It does sound like progress is being made all be it at a snails pace. keep your head up man, your doing a lot better then you think you are.

TOJAZ

[comj49]

Your story is almost exactly like mine. My wife was unhappy for the last year or so, but didn't really say anything until she decided to go to counseling on her own (a total of 4 sessions). In those sessions the IC brought up trial seperation, and she jumped on it. It was exaclty what she wanted in the first place but didn't want to say it. She is not "in love" with me and needs space to figure things out. My issue is she has expressed interest in seeing other people, and that i should do the same. We have been living in the same house, but at different times. We will stay with friends or family when the other is with our 3 kids. This has been going on for a month now, and I am with you when you say it feels like an eternity.

 

I don't know what to do either, i am riding the rides in limboland as well. Do I just end it, keep waiting, i don't know. I know i can't take this for very long, and will have to do something soon. My wife says she is not seeing anyone, nor is she really looking, but she still wants the option. I have been the bigger person in this, only because i am afraid to do anything that will cause her to leave now. You are still hoping things will get better and be able to be a family again. I want that more that anything, but the more i read, the more i am realizing it is going to be very hard for that to happen, almost impossible, at least for now.

 

At least you have someone willing to work out the problems. She is receptive to counseling, to dating, and working things out. I would say keep it going. I would love for my wife to come home and say the things your wife is saying. I am still getting "i need my space" talks. I am trying really hard to 180, but all i want to do it talk about the relationship (which i resist). Everyone around us wants her to reconsider what she is doing, but she is so set on finding herself on her own. I just don't know when to say enough is enough. If i rush it, i lose her. If i don't, i am in agony that much longer! Hope things keep going well for you, keep us posted.

[citygal16]

I'm starting to find it a bit odd that I am the only wife that is going through the "my partner is not sure if they want to be with me anymore" -- does anyone else think that's weird??! Maybe the roles in my marriage are reversed?! LOL!

 

Anyways, GD, so far, so good this weekend... we actually had a few really nice dinner/drink dates and no issues so far. I'm still not holding my breath...but at least we're heading in a new direction. I hope things start to get better for you, but I'm really starting to think that a decision has to be made in your situation, how much longer can you take this back and forth?! Either way, at least you can start figuring out what your future is going to be.... by the way, I know you said that your wife has a child from someone else? Was she married before you? What happened in that relationship? Maybe she's just making the same mistakes over and over again??

[GoodDad]

Hey CG,

 

Glad you had a good weekend. Mine was 2. We had the big discussion about our co-dependency issues and passive aggressive stuff and were really nice to each other. Felt nice. She even said last night she thought for the first time maybe we could make it. She didn't qualify it with a negative afterward which is new. That being said, I am not getting my hopes up again. We have been through this before and every time she starts to get up she pulls it back down. And she didn't say she had changed her mind about moving out in January so I am just trying to go with it for now. We have MC tonight and will see how that goes. I watched the kids all weekend so she could work extra on a big work project and she said she appreciated that as she knew I didn't have to do that and had things of my own work wise to do. It was nice of her to say.

 

Anyway, in answer to your question, we were both married before. Don't laugh, but we met during the recovery of that divorce. Mine was a brief marriage of only a year. My wife had an EA with a co-worker of ours, we all worked in the same office and when I found out about that after she had moved out I filed for divorce quickly and was divorced within 2 months and moved on or so I thought. I realize now I never truly worked through my part in that breakup. On her part she got married young to an older man, had a son, and he was abusive, controlling, and an all around jerk. I think she is repeating some patterns that happened there, the difference being that I am not the same A-hole this guy was. And I know its easy to say the Ex-s are a-holes, but in this case he really is not a nice guy or father. He is very focused on his new marriage and baby and has been pretty much abandoning his son, not taking visitation, and in some ways its good as it was not a healthy situation over there and our son is better with us...well if we work out. If we don't he is going to be a basket case and that hurts.

 

But things really got bad in their marriage around the 3 year mark, same as in ours, and imploded that year, same as ours, so yes, I wonder if its a pattern regarding her inability to have long term relationships. But thats what IC is for right.

 

Needless to say, I am trying to stay focused, figure out what I want, and start focusing more on me and realizing that regardless of what happens in this situation I need to be healthy, strong, and focused for my little girl.

 

I think we are going to be in a holding pattern for the holidays. It's my stepson's birthday this week. Plus the holiday's, etc. I don't know. I like the fact she is starting to say things about us working out on her own, but it makes it even odder and harder to deal with the whole living apart for a month. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there. Not something I can deal with today.

 

Take care,

 

GD

[GoodDad]

Well, MC was really interesting last night. We talked about how the week started out rocky, but how it really got good as the week went on and we really communicated on some of the tough issues in our relationship and the steps we are doing and have done to work on them. We talked about trust issues and passive aggressive issues and made a lot of progress.

 

My wife floored me. I didn't think I could be surprised anymore by anything but she managed to surprise me.

 

The MC asked her where she was on wanting to move out and the controlled seperation or with all the progress was it off the table for now.

 

My wife replied that for her, she would like to take it off the table for now and keep working on our marriage without moving out or seperating.

 

That was big...really big... I still haven't internalized it and I am still not trying too as if I feel as up and down as things have been, this could change or it could be temporary and I don't want to get my hopes up one way or the other.

 

I know this doesn't mean our issues are over by a long shot, but for me personally, us working on the issues without living apart gives us a much better chance of making it versus the alternative.

 

Guess we will see how the week and all our dates go this week. Going to see a bunch of bands tomorrow night. Almost every night we have something going on either together or seperate on Friday. She is doing a work happy hour so I will take the night off and go out on my own. Which is good. We are together so much other than work a break will be good.

 

Take care all,

 

GD

[citygal16]

Hi GD--

I'm SOOOO happy to hear how well things went at MC!! "off the table" sounds pretty good right now, doesn't it?! I wonder what instigated the change? But let's not ask questions...just go with the flow and enjoy it. Because if you have to feel like crap during the low times, you should at least allow yourself to feel great during the good times

 

And have a great week-- I love how all of this holiday stuff is jam-packing the schedule, so there isn't much time to think about all of this crap.... I wonder if that means though that January is going to suck? Until then, enjoy the egg nog

[GoodDad]

Ho Ho Ho CG!

 

I was just wondering how you were doing. I saw on another thread you are going out more and realizing that if your spouse turns into a turkey again or keeps being consumed with his own issues there is life after all the pain they put us through after all. Not to say it wouldn't suck, but you sound in a much better place which is awesome.

 

But Yeah, I love the business of the season which helps with the not thinking thing. Latest is that she's pulled back a little this week post MC and we have now had issues with me wanting more intimacy than her. I have IC tonight and I am going to talk about it with my counselor. She seems to want to be initiate more when things are crazed or up in the air and I seem to be the opposite. When I am insecure in the relationship sex is the last thing on my mind and when I am more secure and connected its the only thing. Well, not quite that bad, but you get my point.. lol

 

But at least we are talking about even that. Our communication is much better than at any point in our relationship about even the hard to talk about issues.

 

Anyway, you got me rambling. Gearing up for a downswing tonight as she usually has a meltdown/pull back after her IC. We will see if that happens this time. If it doesn't that will be another encouraging sign.

 

So being cautiously optimistic, but realistic at the same time. The true test is going to be January. Let's see where our crazy spouses go then! But, I can tell you one thing. I am not going to play the Im leaving Im staying game. I will be in a different place if she decides to leave in Jan. But thats a worry for another day and I have decided not to be pessimistic until at least after the ball drops in Times Square. lol

 

Until then definitely time to enjoy the egg nog CG!!

 

Take care!

 

GD

Edited December 17, 2009 by GoodDad

[curiou]

GoodDad, I have not read every one of your posts, but was there another man in the picture? In my experience, women vacillate when their relationship with the OM waxes and wanes.