Anyone ever done a Theraputic Separation?

[GoodDad]

So in MC last night, the my wife brought up that she was overwhelmed with the back and forth of our situation and wanted to get her own space on a temporary basis. The counselor suggested a Theraputic Separation and my wife said that is what she wants. She said she loves me and we have made a ton of progress the last few months but she needs space so we aren't on top of each other and fighting and she can breathe and think...etc, while we work on this.

 

Apparently we would sign some contract where we set up the guidelines and agree not to see other people. To date each other and set up family time, etc. Continue with weekly MC, and continue our IC as well to work on our individual issues.

 

My wife's idea was to rotate a week at a time in the apartment and try it for a month or two if we can find a sublet. The kids would stay in the house in a stable environment with school, etc.

 

I am not in love with that idea and think it might be better if she just moved out and used the spare bedroom for visitation...not sure how this would work, need to think it through...

 

A couple of things.

 

I brought up my trust issues with her. That I felt she wanted to have me as a Plan B while she saw what else was out there. (She swore it wasn't, that it wasn't about anything at this point, but us and whether we wanted to rebiuld our marriage or call it quits, that part of her wanted this to just be done and over, but another part of her didn't want to make a huge mistake and throw away a chance for us to work out without trying everything to see if it can be rebuilt. That we were communicating better with 2 months of counseling under our belt and she had more hope now which 10 weeks ago when this blew up, she was completely done, that now she is in a different place.)

 

I am really against this though. I feel it is going to be super hard to pull it back once we start doing the living under different roofs thing(not that I can stop her if she was just to leave anyway). And I really don't understand how it will be different living apart than working on the marriage and living together.

 

I agreed to it at the time in counseling, I didn't know what else to do, and our time was up, but I am in turmoil about whether its the right thing to do.

 

So the only 2 options I can come up with are I go along with this as she is going to move out regardless and give the Trial Separation a shot.

 

The other option I thought of is to just say enough is enough and let's call it quits and just move on to divorce and say its done.

 

Has anyone else in a seperation pre-divorce tried something like this? A controlled seperation? Our MC recommended the Should I Stay or Should I Go? book, and my wife ordered it, and I am researching this topic on the web.

 

I know most of the folks here seperated with the intention of divorcing, but did anyone try this or know anyone that has?

 

Thanks in advance.

 

GD

[GoodDad]

My head is all over the map. So since MC Monday it was like she squeezed the venom out of a wound. She has been super nice and affectionate spending time with me and the family, calling, texting a ton and wanted to get physical every night.

 

I just don't get her. How can she want to move out to save our marriage, be so affectionate and loving and then discuss looking at efficiency's or maybe a month at an extenda-stay or something. I just don't get how that much more space will help things, only make things more hard.

 

Does she think this is a Romance novel and distance will make the heart grow fonder? Geesh...

 

And this morning we talked about it and I said I am not sure what I want anymore and she wrapped her arms around me and said she wasn't ready to let me go...she was so torn and confused as part of her wants this to work and she can't imagine me not in her life, etc.

 

But the more I think about it, the more I know I have to decide what I want, it can't only be her choice to not be ready to let me go. Part of ME knows the right thing to do might be to call it quits, then my brain runs the gamut of what ifs, will I always wonder if I don't let this run its course and see if we can work out....

 

The worst is I feel trapped now that if I say its done or that if she moves out its over then its me being the one to end it and be the "bad guy" when she was the one who wanted to leave in the first place and all along I have been truly working towards a new marriage, and taking the lessons learned in individual counseling and couples counseling to heart. I know I can't worry about what she thinks, no matter I'm going to be the A-hole to her, and she will rewrite history that she tried, but I ended it, isn't that how it always works? It's just so hard.

 

God, what the hell is wrong with me that I put up with this and still want it to work. It's insane, I should just say enough is enough, but I can't. It's like a switch I can't turn off...

 

Thanks for listening,

 

GD

Edited November 25, 2009 by GoodDad

[floridapad]

GD

 

I wouldn't give her the ultimatum that it's over if she moves out unless you REALLY TRULY mean it. It is a rollercoaster ride. You either ride it or get off. That is YOUR choice. But if you chose to ride it then be prepared for a wild ride and know that it was YOUR choice to ride it. If you chose to stand and make sure you did everything you could do then do it. If you chose to cut it because you feel you HAVE done everything you can do then cut it. No sense in trying to figure her out when SHE can't figure herself out.

[GoodDad]

Thanks FP.

 

I am just really down today. I just can't help feeling she is cake eating and trying to see what else is out there by moving out, regardless of what she says. The trust factor I have is low right now.

 

Just feeling hopeless and being strung along by her. This half out the door half in is wearing me out emotionally.

 

My family thinks I am being a doormat regarding this and that she just wants out there to see what else is available and I am supposed to sit and wait for her to change her mind or wake up and decide she wants to commit to me and me only. Maybe they are right...

 

But you are right this is all my choice... but how much can i take...

 

feel like I am about to break.

[floridapad]

Man that is a tough situation to be in. Limbo land sucks. But... it sounds like SHE wants the seperation and fighting her on it would not do any good. I will say this though. If she thinks she is going to "Find herself" and fall madly in love with you after a month or two of therapuetic seperation she is kidding herself. She will go out there and sample it up a bit for a while and be even more confused. IMHO give her the seperation, let her stay at the apartment or extended stay by herself and establish some form of visitation. Keep up the date night thing and do occassional family things and truly try to put your heart into it. She needs to know what it's like out there and this BS of her staying in the house one week and you staying in it the other may be therapuetic for her but probably not for you and definately not for the situation. Don't commit to anything in MC until you have thought about it. Let her know what it is like to be single, including the loss of financial resources, comforts of home etc. etc. Do it nicely of course. Keep up the positive changes you have made. That is very important. Just let her know that you agree with the trial seperation but feel it best if she just stays at the apartment/extended stay. Give YOURSELF a timeline for this "therapuetic" seperation and then tell her your done. Don't tell her your timeline. Just know that when that day is reached you will drop the bomb.

 

Now if you sense for a second that she is with an OM, use a key logger, satelite tracker, anything, then drop the D bomb right then and there before she gets too involved. Once she gets too emotionaly involved with an OM it is too late. My wife fell "in love" with the OM so I am in a situation where I have to go through all this affair withdrawal bull**** if I want to make my marriage work. Even then it probably wil not happen. Got to cut it at the legs before it starts.

 

Good luck to you.

[MrMayI]

GD, hang in there bud. it's only going to get rougher for a while from here. i don't blame you for not completely trusting her. she's willing to walk out of your home and life together, regardless of her reasoning. there very well may not be any OM, but i'll tell you like TrustInYourself told me my first day here. There may be rules to the separation, but that doesn't mean everyone will follow them.

 

I scoffed at that statement and it came back and bit me so ****ing hard in the ass after about 2 weeks of being apart. decide what you want, but don't talk to her about it. if you decide to take the divorce route, then you have to decide how you want it presented to her. i'm not saying your wife is anything like my ex, but she pretty much acted the same way right before she moved out, and then once she did, the bitch switch totally flipped, and my life went into shambles. i still to this day don't really know if she even gives a damn, or ever did.

[curiou]

Huh. A quick internet search (sorry, my work involves computer use and I am on the internet, like, all the freaking time) shows a litany of anecdotal success stories AND disaster stories.

 

So, I can't back up my post with any objective evidence, but my gut feeling is that it is far less likely to succeed if one person (i.e., YOU) really doesn't want it and the other (i.e., your wife) strongly desires it.

 

In my view, you don't separate to work on your problems. You separate as a preliminary step towards divorce. If your goal is to stay together, you eliminate all extraneous influences (affairs, old flames, flirtation partners, etc etc) and work on loving each other without smothering each other or dragging on and on with repetitive relationship talk.

 

The cynic in me thinks she wants space to explore other men. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I feel that's how it is.

 

If that is the situation, then you have to decide what you want. Personally, I think that if you proceed with separation, you should withdraw from her. Live your life, go ride motorcycles, see movies with friends, and cultivate your life. Go zen. And don't answer every phone call. She needs to see what it's like without you. Nothing you do (smothering her with love notes, gifts) will change how she feels. It's not a light bulb, and most often pushes her even farther away.

 

If she is seeing someone else, and you still want her (*sigh*) in spite of the extramarital sex, this is the only dignified method of winning her back. She has a choice between a pleading, tearful, emotional wreck of a man, or someone new who buys her dinner, has deep "new" intellectual conversations with her, and probably gives her a different sexual perspective, ahem. Which man would you choose?

 

So be a strong man. If you try to live your life with honor, fun, and love, you're so much more attractive to yourself, your wayward wife, and potential new partners. And you may even find that you don't want her back. But you must commit to this path of living like you're happy. Eventually it turns to reality. It's how I work out (running, lifting weights, etc.): even though I don't want to, I go through the motions, and eventually, I get into it. I stay healthy and feel great at the end.

[GoodDad]

Good advice all.

 

Not sure what to do, but you are right, focusing on me is the way to go...

 

I can't handle all of the mixed signals anymore. She keeps texting me and calling me, but wants her space.

 

Now I just got a text that she is spiraling. What about me?

 

I am trying to dial back the contact a bit, as all she does is reach out to me, like I am her buddy to help her through the pain of her separation/divorce.

 

She keeps telling me I am her best friend, etc. But I am not her personal LS...

 

Don't even know how to respond to her anymore.

 

Thanks again for the support.

 

I need it today...not looking forward to T-giving at her families while we pretend to be the happy couple. She has told everyone under the sun she is getting separated except her mom and gma. But her crazy open marriage cousin will be there and she and her skanky husband know...that will be fun.

 

What a week its going to be....

 

Signed,

 

Feeling like being pulled in every direction like I am taffy.

[threebyfate]

My wife's idea was to rotate a week at a time in the apartment and try it for a month or two if we can find a sublet. The kids would stay in the house in a stable environment with school, etc.

GoodDad, does this mean you also get a week free of the kids and family responsibilities? If so, you might find that you also enjoy your space from her. If not, I wouldn't go for it. Goose et gander.

[floridapad]

Taffy,

 

Keep distancing yourself a bit. She is spiraling perhaps because she senses she is losing you. Don't tell her she is losing you just do it by your actions. Don't respond to texts right away, don't make yourself available by picking up the phone every time. Call her back when YOU are ready and have the strength to support her. Listen to her feelings and emotions. Just listen to her and be there for her but only when YOU have the strength to. No lecturing no rebuttals just "i'm sorry you feel that way". Obviously stick to whatever boundaries you may have (e.g. no OM's no dating or whatever). YOU, beleive it or not are in control.

 

Turkeyday will be tough. I had to excuse myself from the table last year to go to the bathroom to collect myself (it was one month after D-Day). If the cousins start talking about seperation and dating and open marriages, gracefully change the subject. You WILL NOT win in that discussion. Good luck

[GoodDad]

Yeah it would, but I love being around the kids and family. I am a family guy.

 

I like some space too, but can't imagine being away from the kids.

 

And how are either of us going to know whats it like to be apart if we have a week off from the kids? Thats not reality either.

 

God why did I even respond to her text.... I said what happened? to her spiraling text and she responded. You happened.... so sad

 

How the F do I even respond to that. Man.... freaking drama drama drama...

 

Was having a good day didnt need this crap...

[cybersister]

I think there can be some two way therapy in a trial separation.

It is what my Hubby said he wanted... give me three months he said .

I moved out ( he was depressed and i reckoned he would not havegot himself sorted out to go for months ).

I determined to use the time well. The children were 13 and 16 and stayed with him. I used the time to think too, and went out to the gym and got in good shape.

six weeks in he said he did not rule out sleeping with someone else - we had never discussed that side - I was taken aback as I thought if the time was to rebuild the relationship this could not help.

But I reckoned what's sauce for the goose... so I registered with a dating agency and started seeing someone else.

he was outraged by this..said he had asked for 3 months and I was not prepared to give it . Truth was I had not really missed him ( missed the kids though- they came to see me each week and I went back to the house to look after them the weekends he wanted to go away.

I realised I had been staying out of a sense of duty... for the kids sake... partly the false sense of esteem being in a relationship gives...from habit. Love had died years ago.

On a practical level I think it is easier to move on if you move out, so if you go for the separation , let her stay and look after the children.

So, while my story ended in divorce, there were positives from the separation.

[JLoves]

gd: I think I can give some advice two weeks after giving my W the ultimatum.

 

Make sure you consider all the things which will happen if you give the ultimatum and she decides to go.

 

I gave her the out she was after, and of course it is my fault she left even though she made the decision to go.

 

So, now I'm dealing with a mortgage, looking after two kids 24/7 and no income. (although I'm getting support from the govt).

 

I often wonder if I would have gone through with it if I had thought about all the things that have happened over the past two weeks and all the stuff thats on my shoulders now.

 

In the Divorce Busters book, it talks about the options available to you... One of the options is to decide to 'live with it' rather than leave or push the SO out.

 

Make sure you consider all your options.

 

I've come to accept that basically, this is my life as a single parent for the foreseeable future. If she wants to come back, then I'll cross that bridge as necessary.

 

(I'm not even mentioning the physical side which is very frustrating for me atthe moment, sigh)

[lkjh]

Everything doesn't have to be on her terms, if you are uncomfortable about it tell her. Stop jumping through hoops for her, don't let her manipulate you with hugs, kisses, and text. If she is texting you bs dont respond.

 

Also remember that she was interested in another man and that started the separation thing. If she wants to be married she needs to earn your trust back

[GoodDad]

More good advice. Tgiving was hard. Her family loves me and her 91 year old grandmother went on and on about how much she appreciates me being a great Dad to her grandkids and a good husband to my STBX.

 

She had forgotten my grandmother passed away earlier this year and asked when we were all going back to Florida to visit her and the other family. My wife just stared at me. It was tough.

 

I went outside to get some air and my wife followed me and tried to comfort me. But she wasnt the person I wanted comfort from right then and told her. She got offended, but I needed some space....

 

We had a really pleasant evening last night, got intimate, even though I thought that might be a bad idea. Why do I keep wanting to be physical with someone who doesn't know if they want to be with me. But the comfort and chemistry is all there with her... that was one of the things that brought us together.

 

Then this morning before she went to work got into again about not being able to move past her anger and hurt and feeling like we should call it quits. She also said that if we separate I don't trust her because I keep bringing up its about her wanting to be with other people. I told her that is just how I feel right now based on the situation, not that she was going to do that.

 

We went back and forth and I brought up more about my anger and hurt feelings towards her, and that i deserved to be with someone who wants to be with me. She sees the changes I have made, but feels I shut her out for almost 2 years and didn't care enough then to change until she was done and just cant forgive me and let the anger go, etc.

 

Do you ever feel you are just playing a broken record with the STBX? That you just keep repeating the same conversations over and over. Why do we keep doing that. Every time I have good intentions not to get into relationship talk, we end up there...its like we keep picking at a scab...

 

She just can't or won't move past this hurt. It pisses me off when I think about the situations out here where people are dealing with abuse or worse, and I am dealing with a situation which happens in a lot of marriages where one spouse gets complacent about things.

 

I did pull away from her. I did those things. I accept blame for that and want to never go there again. She had issues too that pushed those buttons. She got mean and controlling and I didn't know how to resolve and communicate our issues. We were both at fault. But there was love, and good times, and the kids...she can only see the negative though. As Gunny has said, we didn't read the manual on how to communicate and handle marriage and made MISTAKES...big time...

 

Again, all our issues are fixable things if I had a partner who was willing to do that. But that is most of us out here so who am I kidding.

 

Ah well, enough rambling. Need to clean the house, and I have the kids all day today while she works. Then out of state wedding driving to tomorrow although why I am going I don't even know at this point other than I am still the shmuck trying to save his marriage with someone who cant move past the past....rd

 

I guess I am just in the fog of denial at this point....ugh...the fact I have all 5 stages memorized makes me want to puke.

 

Hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for the advice.

 

It really helped. Now just to try to follow some of it, which is the hard part when your in the sh**.

 

Take care,

 

GD

Edited November 27, 2009 by GoodDad

[JLoves]

I hear you.... loud and clear.

 

I'm here doing my thing as a single parent because W doesn't feel she can forgive me for the things I 'put her through' over the last 5 years of our marriage, even though I've worked on putting right pretty much all those things in the past 9 months.

 

Don't kill yourself over wanting to be intimate... I so badly want to be intimate with someone.. I miss the hugs, kisses and stuff.. (even if they were all one sided, a hug is a hug). I give the kids hugs and have an extra pillow in bed

 

The wedding sounds like it could be a good thing though.. I know it's not the best thing to have on your mind, but if you look at it as a way to get out and enjoy yourself, see some friends and wish someone happiness then thats good.

 

It also would remind you that there was some happiness in your marriage. You were both happy at one point. Like you say, the SO usually only remembers the bad parts. Even when there was a lot of good parts.

 

The fog will lift and you'll drift in and out of acceptance.. with or without STBX in your life. (although with kids they never totally leave)

[GoodDad]

Thanks J,

 

I go back and forth on this. I can't believe we make progress and then I start a relationship discussion and ruin any good momentum thats there.

 

Not that I should beat myself up. She is causing a lot of this herself by her actions and words. I don't forget the good times though...its why I'm even still trying so hard. She asked me the other day if I wanted to be with her or was just trying so hard because I didn't want to be alone. I told her, and I mean it that I was single before, it isn't that I fear, and I know I wouldn't be alone forever, Im only 37, geesh. But that it truly was her I wanted to be with, for the love we shared, the good times, the promises and life we built, and the kids. But for her. If I truly didn't love her I would have already giving up the ghost. But one sided commitment isnt going to work forever...

 

I guess like you J, on one level I like the intimacy, and kisses and hugs and cuddles, but then I get confused, because I don't understand how they can be there and she still want to leave, etc. or not be together. It feels good at the time when we do it, as we are both affectionate people, but then my brain starts working and I just get mad that like yours she won't let the past go, not forget, but just acknowledge it and try to work towards the future. She knows we could have a good marriage together, but its like shes fighting it because she doesn't want to feel suckered or believes we might grow unhappy again, and thats her own mind to get around I guess. You have to sometimes take a gamble. But who knows.

 

Man we are going to be in the same boat when she moves out. I can't imagine missing the affection, and being a single parent is going to be tough, but I have to be there for my daughter, and for my stepson who is going to flip out...

 

But that day isn't today... You are right, will try to have fun at the wedding tomorrow. 6 hours in the car won't be fun though. lol Thank god for portable dvd players and Nintendo DS.

 

She wants to go christmas tree shopping tonight...the cross current signals never end... I gotta laugh...the alternative isn't pretty.

 

You are right on the acceptance thing, with or without her. Life goes on. But with a 3 year old daughter with her, its going to be a long time with her still actively in my life for sure...

 

Thanks for the support brother and hang in there yourself. We will all get there together one step at a time.

 

Peace,

 

GD

Edited November 27, 2009 by GoodDad

[GoodDad]

So out of town wedding was good. Got along great. We connected everything was great, we had fun.

 

But before we left on Friday we talked about my fears regarding this trial separation and what she wanted with it. We talked about this co-worker thing that happened and why I was worried about this trial separation was just an excuse for her to try on being single. She laid it all on the line as to the extent of what was there with the co-worker, laid out everything, that again it wasn't physical, but a friendship developed into an attraction on her part and an emotional connection even though he wasn't interested in a married woman, and that she knows it was wrong to have done and she still felt guilty and horrible about it, and like she cheated on me emotionally, and never wanted that to happen, but had felt so rejected and didn't realize what was happening until it was there, which is why she realized our marriage was probably over, and she wanted it to end without having an affair if she was truly starting to think about other people. But then she got confused, because I started making all these changes that she never would do before and she realized the love was still there and that she didn't want to end our marriage without knowing for sure we couldn't fix our issues and that is what the separation was supposed to be for. To give us some space so we didn't smother each other with Relationship talk, date each other, and reconnect. And not to see anyone else during this time. We then again got lovey dovey and had a great weekend. Then last night on the way back I got pushy again about her company party, her not wanting me to go. She offered just not to go at all, but I felt that she was again trying to have one foot in the marriage, one foot out and called her on it. We had a fight and she asked for a Divorce and to call off the separation.

 

She said was just wanted it over, to skip the seperation and just file for Divorce. She couldn't handle feeling guilty all the time and that I would never trust her again, and that she couldn't forgive me for what I had done to her by rejecting her, and we were just dragging out the inevitable. She just wanted the pain to end and for it to end already. So we discussed logistics, using a mediator and us to spilt everything 50/50, kids, debts, etc. Do joint physical with my daughter, move on with our lives... etc. She was crying and hurt and I got caught up in it too. She said she still loves me though and doesn't understand how when we both love each , that desire for physical affection, love being together, but she says her heart is still broken and she doesn't know how to make that work again, I rejected her again and again when she needed me, even though she admits she got mean and we did it to each other and she doesn't know how to get it back.

 

Then we started crying and hugging and the emotions got to us physically again. She said she still loves me, I still love her, she doesn't want me not in her life nor I in hers, so we came back to maybe trying a separation first again...

 

This was the first time she said she wanted a Divorce and not a separation and it his us both hard...The thought of it being truly over between us. I just don't think we are done yet, and neither does she, but there is so much pain and distrust there now...I just don't know...

 

I am so torn PEOPLE!!! I thought I had gotten to the point of being ok with just letting it it go. If she didn't want to be only with me, time to buck up, and move on. But I feel so guilty for the part I played in how we got to this point and she is in such pain for what she has done wrong, and I just couldn't do it. I wasn't ready I guess for it to be totally over.

 

So we are back to maybe doing a separation again for 3 months and then seeing where we are at. I don't know. Part of me says RUN, let it go, but I still love her and want to see if its recoverable from the mess we made of our marriage, even though everyone else says I am crazy and should just do the divorce route. My family is trying to push me that direction, and I know they mean well, but they aren't in the day to day situation here, or know how we got here. They are just pissed at my spouse for what she is putting me through and think I would be better off out of this marriage.

 

Man, I wish I had never turned to them for support during this and had found LS sooner...

 

So, thats the latest....

 

Trying to keep positive and hold it together for today at least...

 

Take care,

 

GD

[floridapad]

Gooddad,

 

So your wife is confused and your family is telling you to run. You have children together (or so I think) and your wife loves you and is physically attracted to you (otherwise why still the intimacy), but she can't get past the guilt of having feelings for someone else and your family tells you to run. Sorry but for now this does not scream RUN to me. IMHO, go to a weekend marriage retreat somewhere and get some real intensive therapy. Seperation doesn't make a hard grow fonder, communication does. Proper communication. Ease up on the R talk and take it day by day. Don't lose site of the changes you made for yourself. Your wife is waffling. As said before you can file for the D and put her on her heals or ride the ride until you can't ride it anymore.

[JLoves]

Sounds like a roller coaster weekend. Glad you enjoyed the wedding.

 

You may not have realised it at the time, but when you brought up the office party thing, you started pushing her again.. She got out of her comfort zone and needed something to make you back off. Saying the D word did that.

 

It took a few times of my W doing this before I realised what was happening. The last time she did it, I realised 'hold on, she's bringing up something she knows hurts me, AND this time it wasn't my fault'. This time it was her fault she was feeling down and trapped. I kindof called her out on that one and she later apologised and explained why she had said it.

 

Every other time I had been pushing her away.. usually without realising and usually after a few months had past since the last time, and I was getting complacent.

 

The thing is, every time it escalates to the next step until she decides its enough and bang..

 

If you have decided to give her space, then you have to do it. It sounds like she wants to give the relationship another try. Good luck..

[GoodDad]

Thanks guys. I needed to get some support today.

 

Jlove, you are right. I started pushing and she pushed back harder. This was the biggest push yet, because up to know she has been adamant she didn't want a D, just a space to figure things out. She was adamant she was done.

 

I still can't believe she came around to the separation thing again. And its funny. You are right JLoves, it is manipulative, because I was going to say in counseling I was ok with her moving out, but not ok with me leaving the house too. Now I am back in let's try anything to make it work.

 

I guess I will just see how MC goes tonight and take it from there.

 

I always loved rollercoasters before. I think i am never going to look at an amusement park the same way... FP you are right. I just have to ride it until I puke I guess and have had enough or we have some finality.

 

But at the rate she waffles. I doubt there will ever be finallity unless I cut it off. After she talked about D, she said maybe we could do that and still sleep together or maybe date still. I'd rather just not D in the first place, but heck...what do I know.... I went to Publik Skools.

 

Thanks again for the support.

 

GD

[mem11363]

Why is trust low?

 

Did she cheat on you in the past?

 

What prompted the IC/MC?

 

Do you crowd her emotionally? Do you crowd her at all in any way?

 

When you are at home who initiates conversation, contact, sexual contact, sex? What was her desire level for you over the last year?

 

Why does she talk about how you rejected her - and that your rejection prompted her EA? Is that true? Was your rejection physical or sexual?

 

Some women cut sex off, then when the man withdraws they blame him for not being there. Is that what happened or something else?

 

 

 

Thanks FP.

 

 

I am just really down today. I just can't help feeling she is cake eating and trying to see what else is out there by moving out, regardless of what she says. The trust factor I have is low right now.

 

Just feeling hopeless and being strung along by her. This half out the door half in is wearing me out emotionally.

 

My family thinks I am being a doormat regarding this and that she just wants out there to see what else is available and I am supposed to sit and wait for her to change her mind or wake up and decide she wants to commit to me and me only. Maybe they are right...

 

But you are right this is all my choice... but how much can i take...

 

feel like I am about to break.

Edited November 30, 2009 by mem11363

[GoodDad]

Mem,

 

My original story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t210355/

 

Its called Jumping into the Pool - My Story.

 

And in answer to FP, we have a 3 1/2 year old little girl together and I have a 10 year old stepson as well. Married 4 years this Jan, together about 5 1/2.

 

Trust is low because when she told me she had made a connection to a co-worker friend, I got jealous and I snooped... I am ashamed to admit it but I checked her emails and texts and know she has had friendly contact with this co-worker. It's all on her end, and stuff like asking about his softball game or how his dad is who is sick, or just friendly back and forth, but its obvious she was pursuing a friendship with him and he wasn't interested. He was very unresponsive and short in his replies or early on reminded her she was married. It made me feel she was rushing through all of this because maybe she thought he would be interested if she was single...maybe she is, who the hell knows whats in peoples hearts...So now I have to deal with the fact she was interested in someone else while married to me. She needs to decide if she wants to be with only me and we move on or I have to decide now I don't want her and I am so angry and hurt she has put us in this situation!

 

She has never cheated on me in the past, and hasn't physically cheated now, but met someone and formed some kind of attraction/desire for them and is guilty about it and confused.

 

IC was prompted by the MC. MC was prompted 10 weeks ago when she dropped the bomb that she wasn't happy and wanted to move out. That was when she first told me there was someone else she met at work when I asked her if there was someone else. At least she has been honest with that, though it still sucks on so many levels I don't know where to begin.

 

I asked her to go to MC at that time and try to give us a chance, did the begging pleading thing, all the things you aren't supposed to do. MC asked her if she could commit to 90 days of trying to see if we could work a "new marriage" out as we both wanted out of our "old marriage". And we are coming up on the 90 days and she asked for the controlled separation now. Then last night we fought and went to the Divorce talk step but stepped down off that ledge for the day at least...

 

Yes I crowd her emotionally, yes I crowd her space. She is right about that, but she initiates alot of it too, as I pull away she comes and smothers me with attention or wanting emotional stroking, etc. So we do it to each other in a big way, but she is the one who gets mad about it when I do it, or mad at herself when she does it. But we both do it.

 

She initiates contacts alot by text, email, phone during day. At home we both initiate conversation. We both initiate the sex, inimacy now, but it was me initiating it for the last 10 weeks of MC more than her until about a week and a half ago and now she is initiating it almost daily, sex that is. Or I do too. We started sleeping in the same bed again after she said she wanted to move out...go figure.

 

Over the last year her desire level for me was in the stratosphere...that was our major issue... She wanted me and I reject her. We only did it every 8-10 days of so, or longer when kid, work stress was really bad. So since she initated it more than me she felt rejected, and I did... I got overweight and worried about that and my desire went down. I have lost A LOT of weight and its back more for me, but she thinks thats only because she wants to leave, which isn't the case. If she is going to leave she is going to leave, weight had a lot to do with it, and resentment/anger I had about communication issues and her not helping with finances, or being controlling, bossy, other issues. Instead of working on those in MC we just fought and our marriage went downhill... I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until she dropped the bomb and then I realized it was bad, I don't want that type of marriage...it was like I was repeating patterns from my parents marriage...yeah go figure. I should have seen that one a mile away...same for her...but instead of getting help we just spiraled down...and tainted the good times now and that kills me. We should have been in counseling a year ago. We are communicating better than ever before, even about tough hurtful issues. We don't fight alot except about the dissolution of the marriage stuff, and we are as affectionate as we were years ago...but she thinks it may be too little too late now...I don't know...I believe with help we can look back on this later as a rough patch that we got through with help....but she hates to change her mind once its made up so I know this is killing her in some ways to see I can actually change or that our relationship could improve because she really thought there was no hope.

 

Hope that answers some of your questions Mem. I have tried to be as honest as I can, even when I don't look good, like the snooping. I was just hurt, and had been cheated on before by my first wife years ago with a co-worker of hers and it brought up all these memories and fears. I am not proud I did that though....

 

 

Peace,

 

GD

[floridapad]

GD

 

I went to pryvite skules so I know alot. Yeah Right!.. Honestly though. Don't let her waffling change YOUR position. YOU need to be the consitant one here. Figure out what it is YOU want and go through with it. Don't let them bully you at MC. Don't make any committments until you've slept on it. Yes you want the marriage to work but it is a rollercoaster ride because SHE is waffling so much that perhaps it makes you waffle. Be consistant. Thats it. Don't talk about the R and certainly don't push her. It ain't easy I know. Just listen to her and her feelings and nod and stick to YOUR game plan. Stick to the changes you made. They seem to be working. Good luck. Let us know how MC goes.

[GoodDad]

Haven't had time to post much. Work has been a BEAR...

 

So at MC Monday night, we went in with her still wanting a D, and came out with it back to separation. Thereapist got through to wife about how she can't forgive me for pulling away from her physically and intimately, because she felt guilty about coming close to an affair, and every time she felt guilty or pushed she got emotionally overwhelmed and blew up and goes to the extreme or get irrational. She also pointed out my wife still held a ton of guilt at the failure of her first marriage as was raised Pentacostal and divorce is a big no no in that church. She isn't religious now as she was ostracized during her first D and it left a bad taste in her mouth. But even so, she has major guilt issues to work through. My wife saw this and realized that it was true and what happened on Sunday regarding her blowing up and wanting to go straight to D and still wants to work on the marriage and do a controlled separation.

 

Then this week she continued to stay in the bedroom again, but we had had some intimacy issues as I still feel withdrawn from her and she wants to go gung ho back into getting intimate. So those conflicting desires left us both feeling more bad about the situation. I think I still have trust issues regarding the OM situation and a few other things and we haven't resolved our core issues yet, and her still wanting to move out made me not feel good about getting it on. It felt like I was there to support her while she gears up to leave. Some of that is in my head since she said she wanted to work on things. Trying to work on it...

 

Big thing today was after a bad morning she had an epiphany she said, she finally realizes one of our core issues is that when our problems started getting bad a year or more back I started to shut down and pull away from her intimately, which made her mean and critical and that fed into a viscious cycle that caused me to pull away more and her to get more critical and mean and our marriage to spiral down and drive her towards wanting out or something/one else. (I wish it had driven us to counseling instead then...geesh)

 

So, she said she really has a better understanding now of what went wrong and wants to continue to try to work on our issues in therapy at least another month or two and give us a chance to figure out issues in IC while we continue the MC.

 

We talked more how the rejection on both sides made her contemplate being with someone else, but she is starting to realize that the only reason she is interested in this other person is he is the opposite of me in many ways, but without all the other qualities that she loved about me and made her happy. She said she is realizing now that she wouldn't be happy with this other person, she wants to give us a chance to see where counseling takes us. She said, she doesn't know if our issues are resolvable yet, but she wants to keep trying at this point.

 

Thats a positive, but I am still not into the separation thing while we work on it and she didn't mention pulling back on getting an apartment thing.

 

So thats the latest, and I am still on the rollercoaster for another month or two I guess or unless she changes her mind tomorrow again as she has been back and forth almost daily on what she wants and thinks.

 

Hope you are doing well FP and others and I will try to post on some other threads as I am starting to feel like mine is a broken record and I keep cycling through the same post over and over...shes up, shes down, we are done, we aren't.... blah

 

Peace,

 

GD

Edited December 3, 2009 by GoodDad