Sexless Marriage Survey

[kevinconner]

Since the holiday is approaching, I've been thinking more about the things in life that I am thankful outside the fact that sex is once per month. I thought it would be interesting to get some feedback from other members as well, so we can all take stock in our lives.

 

I seriously have an amazing wife at home. She is like super woman around the house. The main issue is that our sex lives and her own personal life take a back burner to everything. I have tried to push her out the door, to find new things for herself, to even spend money on herself, to make new friends, to hit the gym. Notta.

 

It's as if she has sworn herself to being the perfect house bound mother for the next 10 years and nothing else matters. This is a lot more than many other women out there I'm sure. I am 100% thankful for this.

 

So in my case, the sex is horrible, infrequent, and she is not attractive to me at all. But on the other hand, everything else she does kind of balances that out.

 

Can other members out there in sexless marriages comment on how they have balanced out their own lives? What kinds of mental trades have you made with yourself to stick it out? The glass is indeed half full right?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I've been the 'housebound mother', and no, pushing her out the door by herself is not going to work.

 

The reason why it won't work is because 'selfishness' has left the building. She has embraced the wife and mother role, and I can only speak from my own experience, but once a woman does that, she is perfectly pleased to put off her own wants, and in fact, doesn't even notice she has any. Because her wants have gone from 'great body, cool boyfriend, lots of girlfriends and shoes' to 'keeping everyone alive, well-fed, having a comfortable home and going to sleep at night knowing I've succeeded in my job.'

 

You want a better sex life? Start being attracted to her brain. There's lots of literature to say that a man should start taking on more of a house-husband role for their SAHW's, but I'll tell you, that ain't it. Sure, take over some chores, and tend to the children, but treat her like a WOMAN, and cherish her, and she will want to eff your brains out.

 

I was in a monthly-sex marriage for several years, and while my lack of desire had a lot to do with being perpetually pregnant, (and another whack story you'll read if you look at my history of posts here), the BIGGEST reason why I had no desire was because I was ignored all day, treated like a burden in the evening, saw my kids being treated like a burden, basically I was too insulted to eff him.

 

But then he started reading the marriage books I brought home. And he got MAD. He said he couldn't read any more of them because they only pointed out what a lousy husband he was. Ya think?

 

Look at you first, dear sir.

 

Your wife desired you at one time.

 

I went YEARS with once-monthly sex...we're at five-six times a week now. BECAUSE he treats me like a desirable woman.

[KM366]

It would probably kill her to hear you say that she is not attractive to you all.

 

Do you still do the little things that a man does to a woman that he finds attractive and is in love with? Do you flirt with her, hold her hand, caress her cheek - you know, romantic stuff? I can tell you right now, if the only time sex or romance comes up is when you try to initiate sex it's going to put her off (don't let her think that you touching her means one thing only - you want sex right now). And I'm not talking about "love you, bye" and a quick kiss or hug either.

 

Also, how is your appearance? Has it changed at all that maybe she might not feel the same way about you too?

 

I would try to work all this out because it could grow resentment over time.

[RobM]

As always blame the guy for not doing the little things, lol. I can only speak for myself but I used to do the little things and got no positive feedback. When she walks in the door and I hug her and she stands with her arms at her sides and says "not now, I have things to do" it doesn't make me want to do that again.

 

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

[angie2443]

I've been the 'housebound mother', and no, pushing her out the door by herself is not going to work.

 

The reason why it won't work is because 'selfishness' has left the building. She has embraced the wife and mother role, and I can only speak from my own experience, but once a woman does that, she is perfectly pleased to put off her own wants, and in fact, doesn't even notice she has any. Because her wants have gone from 'great body, cool boyfriend, lots of girlfriends and shoes' to 'keeping everyone alive, well-fed, having a comfortable home and going to sleep at night knowing I've succeeded in my job.'

 

You want a better sex life? Start being attracted to her brain. There's lots of literature to say that a man should start taking on more of a house-husband role for their SAHW's, but I'll tell you, that ain't it. Sure, take over some chores, and tend to the children, but treat her like a WOMAN, and cherish her, and she will want to eff your brains out.

 

I was in a monthly-sex marriage for several years, and while my lack of desire had a lot to do with being perpetually pregnant, (and another whack story you'll read if you look at my history of posts here), the BIGGEST reason why I had no desire was because I was ignored all day, treated like a burden in the evening, saw my kids being treated like a burden, basically I was too insulted to eff him.

 

But then he started reading the marriage books I brought home. And he got MAD. He said he couldn't read any more of them because they only pointed out what a lousy husband he was. Ya think?

 

Look at you first, dear sir.

 

Your wife desired you at one time.

 

I went YEARS with once-monthly sex...we're at five-six times a week now. BECAUSE he treats me like a desirable woman.

 

Great post!

[KM366]

As always blame the guy for not doing the little things, lol. I can only speak for myself but I used to do the little things and got no positive feedback. When she walks in the door and I hug her and she stands with her arms at her sides and says "not now, I have things to do" it doesn't make me want to do that again.

 

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

 

 

I understand what you're saying. It does sound like your attention was being ignored, or as though she was suspicious the attention was to serve a purpose other than just appreciating/loving her.

I can't begin to understand what goes on in everybody's mind with this whole complicated mess of who wants what and why... or who doesn't want what and why. I've kind of been on both sides of it and can tell you both are incredibly frustrating. I know that for the woman who isn't interested in the man it can feel like all he's doing is constantly pawing at her trying to get sex. Somehow the romance is just completely gone from it - maybe because the woman doesn't feel sexy, or attractive. Maybe because she doesn't feel special or cherished but more like something to serve a purpose. As for the other side of it, where you are not wanted, I know it can make you feel like there's something wrong with you. Like you aren't attractive or interesting. It's so incredibly frustrating because you can remember when the two of you were excited about each other and the sex was great. You can't help but wonder, why it can't be like that again. It's no wonder so many people end up seeking that out somewhere (with someone) else - particularly men with their whole ego issue... (just teasing about that part!)

[kevinconner]

I'm beginning to think this place is more full of housebound /jaded or angry mothers than I originally thought.

 

Frustrated : You can't embrace the mother role 100%. Rule #1 for a healthy marriage is the concept that a sense of SELF is an incredibly important aspect of a healthy life and marriage. Many IC's and MC's insist this as well and there are hundreds of studies that show when a person maintains their identity then they are more apt to make rational decisions.

 

Far too often I see women doing this, where they think 'tis nobel to just let go, gain the weight, start becoming a full time mom and during its course, when they loose their identity, the man stays by their side but often finds himself now married to someone else than he originally proposed.

 

I have a friend who puts it best. He has a wife and three kids. When I ask him where he thinks he ranks in the pecking order in the family, he says "6th". Think about it.

[hopeful1980]

I'm beginning to think this place is more full of housebound /jaded or angry mothers than I originally thought.

 

Frustrated : You can't embrace the mother role 100%. Rule #1 for a healthy marriage is the concept that a sense of SELF is an incredibly important aspect of a healthy life and marriage. Many IC's and MC's insist this as well and there are hundreds of studies that show when a person maintains their identity then they are more apt to make rational decisions.

 

Far too often I see women doing this, where they think 'tis nobel to just let go, gain the weight, start becoming a full time mom and during its course, when they loose their identity, the man stays by their side but often finds himself now married to someone else than he originally proposed.

 

I have a friend who puts it best. He has a wife and three kids. When I ask him where he thinks he ranks in the pecking order in the family, he says "6th". Think about it.

 

I understand what you are saying and I agree with you. However, you are not being understanding. As a wife and mother who just recently began to take care of herself, it's not as easy as you would make it seem. Yes, mothers/wives do need to take care of themselves more but the problem is they don't think they have the time. That was me. I work full time, go pick up the kids from school, come home cook and clean, give the kids baths, read to them/help with homework, tuck them into bed - at the end of all that I am exhausted. That's an everyday thing. It's not easy. Even women who work outside the home do more housework/taking care of the kids than their husbands. Ask many of these women where they think they come in the pecking order and most will say dead last. Think about it. I've bought my husband new underwear and socks before I've bought myself a new pair of panty hose and mine had runs in them!

 

I had to make the decision to take time out for myself and schedule it in everyday. I had to learn how to start saying No. No, I can't wash the dishes. No, I can't cook dinner tonight. No, I can't give the kids a bath. The kids won't die if they eat pb&j one night on paper plates and go to bed without a bath. Getting my mind wrapped around that fact was a feat. Once it sunk in, I started going out with my friends, buying myself clothes without feeling guilty that my kids needed something, getting my hair and nails done, etc etc. I make time for myself everyday, but it did not come naturally. It takes time.

[Sam Spade]

Mothers (full time job and identity mothers, that is) are not attractive or fun.

The priorities should be: relationship 1st, kids 2nd, household last.

If kids and clean house were the most important things in life, i'd adopt a kid and hire a nanny and a maid to take care of both.

 

Moreover, with all the contemporary appliances and conveniences, the whole "oh poor me I'm bogged down in house work" is just a cop-out. Life is easier than it's ever been, and with just a little time management, there is time for everything. Tiring - yes. Impossible - certainly not.

Edited November 24, 2009 by Sam Spade

[hopeful1980]

Mothers (full time job and identity mothers, that is) are not attractive or fun.

The priorities should be: relationship 1st, kids 2nd, household last.

If kids and clean house were the most important things in life, i'd adopt a kid and hire a nanny and a maid to take care of both.

 

Moreover, with all the contemporary appliances and conveniences, the whole "oh poor me I'm bogged down in house work" is just a cop-out. Life is easier than it's ever been, and with just a little time management, there is time for everything. Tiring - yes. Impossible - certainly not.

 

That's easier said than done. When you spend a year of your life carrying a person inside you, they become an extension of yourself when they exit your body. They are completely helpless and it's not easy to go back to "wife mode" when you know play more roles than just a wife. There are a lot of things that have to be done that didn't need to be done before and other people who need you that didn't before. Life is completely different and it takes time to sort it out.

[isthisallthereis]

Let me ask you something in all seriousness: Would you rather be right or would you rather be having sex? You've actually been given some good advice, but you don't appear to want to take it. I'm guessing it boils down to the idea that if you do what your wife wants, all the problems are somehow your fault, or like rob says "its always the man's fault." Why is placing the blame so important?

 

If you truly want to have sex with your wife, then don't do what you think is needed: listen to the women who have spoken here, or think about what your wife wants. In my case, I would have loved it if my husband had asked me on a date, in advance and then done all the work to get ready for it. Make the plans, get the money, arrange for the childcare. DO IT ALL. Go out, hold her hand, give her a nice kiss. Think about what your wife once liked to do, then do it. Every mother I know thinks through every decision that is made with "how will it affect my family." It is absolutely exhausting.

 

Of course, you can ignore my advice since I may be just another jaded/angry wife.

Edited November 24, 2009 by isthisallthereis

[Sam Spade]

That's easier said than done. When you spend a year of your life carrying a person inside you, they become an extension of yourself when they exit your body. They are completely helpless and it's not easy to go back to "wife mode" when you know play more roles than just a wife. There are a lot of things that have to be done that didn't need to be done before and other people who need you that didn't before. Life is completely different and it takes time to sort it out.

 

I'm not saying that it is easy, just that it should not be over thought and overdone at the expense of everything else - because if so "everything else" will eventually come crashing down.

 

Extremist moms are like extremist missionaries - they view themselves as martyrs to their faith, while the indigenous populations are merely annoyed and tired from hearing about their "faith" over and over again. Balance is key.

 

My sister is like that and I guarantee you her marriage is not happy. I love her, but I honestly do not understand why my brother in law stays with her - I wouldn't have any of that from my wife.

 

On the other hand, I know a married couple that is just as laidback and easy going after they had their kid as they were before - so, it can be done.

Edited November 24, 2009 by Sam Spade

[hopeful1980]

I'm not saying that it is easy, just that it should not be over thought and overdone at the expense of everything else - because if so "everything else" will eventually come crashing down.

 

Extremist moms are like extremist missionaries - they view themselves as martyrs to their faith, while the indigenous populations are merely annoyed and tired from hearing about their "faith".

 

My sister is like that and I guarantee you her marriage is not happy. I love her, but I honestly do not understand why my brother in law stays with her - I wouldn't have any of that from my wife.

 

I hear what you are saying and I agree with you. I just think the approach most men use to get women to realize this is wrong. Most women can't see how taking care of themselves will make them a better wives and mothers.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Let me ask you something in all seriousness: Would you rather be right or would you rather be having sex? You've actually been given some good advice, but you don't appear to want to take it. I'm guessing it boils down to the idea that if you do what your wife wants, all the problems are somehow your fault, or like rob says "its always the man's fault." Why is placing the blame so important?

 

If you truly want to have sex with your wife, then don't do what you think is needed: listen to the women who have spoken here, or think about what your wife wants. In my case, I would have loved it if my husband had asked me on a date, in advance and then done all the work to get ready for it. Make the plans, get the money, arrange for the childcare. DO IT ALL. Go out, hold her hand, give her a nice kiss. Think about what your wife once liked to do, then do it. Every mother I know thinks through every decision that is made with "how will it affect my family." It is absolutely exhausting.

 

Of course, you can ignore my advice since I may be just another jaded/angry wife.

 

How often do we hear the same advise. Frankly a lot of lousy husbands out there doing a lot better with less effort then the sexless men posting here who are almost all perfect.....

[prenus.]

If you truly want to have sex with your wife, then don't do what you think is needed: listen to the women who have spoken here, or think about what your wife wants. In my case, I would have loved it if my husband had asked me on a date, in advance and then done all the work to get ready for it. Make the plans, get the money, arrange for the childcare. DO IT ALL. Go out, hold her hand, give her a nice kiss. Think about what your wife once liked to do, then do it. Every mother I know thinks through every decision that is made with "how will it affect my family." It is absolutely exhausting.

 

Of course, scenarios exist where the husband tries his best to "DO IT ALL" and still finds himself rejected for, not just sex, but basic affection.

[whattodonow12]

I think that there is actually a bigger problem here, but I could be wrong. The original post indicates that

 

So in my case, the sex is horrible, infrequent, and she is not attractive to me at all.

 

If he is not attracted to his wife and thinks sex is horrible, is he wanting to have more? I may have missed that in the original post. I am not sure that there are enough mental trades to make for a man to be able to get beyond this. I feel the same way about my own husband, and I have been struggling with this for quite some time.

 

If sex were more frequent, would that help? (if it is horrible). Have you talked to her about this?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Of course, scenarios exist where the husband tries his best to "DO IT ALL" and still finds himself rejected for, not just sex, but basic affection.

 

A man who has been loved once will be loved again, once he returns to loving actions. Not "Fine! I'll bathe the kids if you'll eff me later!" actions, but a man who tenders his wife will be well effed. Put a blanket on her, bring her coffee, be the wall between her and the world...

 

Guaran-effing-teed.

[JimmyJohnson]

I have a gorgeous 28 y/o wife with the body of a serious athlete, but we have sex about once a month because of her vulvodynia (a kind of chronic vaginal pain). Even when it is not hurting her, she rarely wants any kind of sexual activity because the thought of it reminds her of her condition and depresses her.

 

It's rough. We used to have sex 1-3 times a day, but for the last three years we've rarely done it. I have always had a very high sex drive, and she looks better than ever.

 

How do we cope? Things go best when I restrain myself from touching her in an overly sexual way -- limited petting basically, no obvious come-ons.

 

I need to be very patient and wait for those rare times when she responds favorably. If I'm too aggressive I risk making her sad or upset. I'm not nearly patient enough. I jerk off a lot, since it's up to me to take of things most of the time. I wouldn't wish our situation on anyone.

[giotto]

I was in a sexless marriage, but sex now averages 3x months... much better! To be honest, I don't have a clue about what I did wrong to be in a sexless marriage. My wife never spoke to me about it, despite frequent questioning... maybe she didn't know either. I did everything for her and the kids, including the house chores... I suppose I turned into a door mat and a ... woman... lol... the kids (4 of them) didn't help. Well, it was all too much. I put too much pressure on her and it went wrong... you see, I didn't know what was wrong. Being grumpy all the time didn't help...

 

So, we separated for a bit and I couldn't go, because of the children... then I decided to go, stopped being grumpy and planned my exit. My wife decided to give me more sex. I got it and everything seems fine now... she enjoys it and she does it without being irritated about it... does she love me? Well, sir, I haven't go a clue!

 

So, how did I cope? I didn't... I suppose being decisive and behaving like a man at last turned the tables...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I was in a sexless marriage, but sex now averages 3x months... much better! To be honest, I don't have a clue about what I did wrong to be in a sexless marriage. My wife never spoke to me about it, despite frequent questioning... maybe she didn't know either. I did everything for her and the kids, including the house chores... I suppose I turned into a door mat and a ... woman... lol... the kids (4 of them) didn't help. Well, it was all too much. I put too much pressure on her and it went wrong... you see, I didn't know what was wrong. Being grumpy all the time didn't help...

 

So, we separated for a bit and I couldn't go, because of the children... then I decided to go, stopped being grumpy and planned my exit. My wife decided to give me more sex. I got it and everything seems fine now... she enjoys it and she does it without being irritated about it... does she love me? Well, sir, I haven't go a clue!

 

So, how did I cope? I didn't... I suppose being decisive and behaving like a man at last turned the tables...

 

No sex = grumpy

Some Sex (not at all plenty) = happy (at least tolerable)

 

Heck and both enjoy it.... Wow what a concept and so hard to understand for some.....

[giotto]

No sex = grumpy

Some Sex (not at all plenty) = happy (at least tolerable)

 

Heck and both enjoy it.... Wow what a concept and so hard to understand for some.....

 

it wasn't quite like that, and it wasn't straightforward, the way you put it... every relationship is different. I had to change first, for myself, before I could stop being grumpy... and actually telling my wife I was leaving played a big part in it... It was a kind of catharsis for me. I didn't care anymore about my wife and sex. And to be honest, I don't think I care that much now... having sex is great, but in my relationship there are so many other things missing and I don't think I'll ever get that back...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

it wasn't quite like that, and it wasn't straightforward, the way you put it... every relationship is different. I had to change first, for myself, before I could stop being grumpy... and actually telling my wife I was leaving played a big part in it... It was a kind of catharsis for me. I didn't care anymore about my wife and sex. And to be honest, I don't think I care that much now... having sex is great, but in my relationship there are so many other things missing and I don't think I'll ever get that back...

 

I know Giotto and am sorry to hear that.... We all need to change and that is true.... Point is though that the fact you are having sex has made some things easier though (not perfect). Ruin my simple equation.... thanks....

[luvstarved]

I definitely agree that one's thinking needs to be more along the lines of "how do I fix this?" vs, whose fault is it? Reading in here, it does seem that in many cases, perhaps even a majority, that simple consistent loving care - consideration and respect, go a long way. Sometimes resentments make this difficult, but trying to take the high road and be the one to take charge in correcting things seems to be the most successful approach.

 

In my case (since this is a survey), I do not think that there is any fix. We were sexless for years, I had a conversation in which I basically said I could not live like that and offered a choice of working on it or calling it a day. We worked on it, went to counseling, got up to 3x a week of quickie impersonal sex that focused on him, counselor became "incompetent" after pointing out my H's issues...and so we bailed on counseling and over time, gradually, the 3x a week became 2x a month...and quicker and more impersonal...

 

I tried to bring up the subject again but H tried to insist that it was about my insecurity and suspicions of infidelity, which did not actually exist outside of reality (he had an EA a few years ago, and yeah, I took exception to it). His position was that we did not have any sexual issues because he was satisfied and did not want to "be with" anyone else.

 

Bottom line is, whether with me or in general, he prefers masturbation. If I try to talk about it, he says I am an oversexed pervert...and at some level, he seems to try to deny the masturbation. "I hardly ever do that" when in fact it is practically daily. He paints himself as morally superior for his "faithfulness", but I disagree with him that what we are practicing can be called "sexual fidelity". It is at best a technicality. He asserts that because he has no sexual needs or issues, that my bringing up the subject is just "creating problems" as though for the sheer sake of drama.

 

Anyway, I recently opted out of sex myself. It just became tiresome, pointless and at times humiliating to engage in. I have tried everything I can think of to bolster his ego, optimize my personal appearance, and connect with him emotionally.

 

When he rejected me sexually, he said it was because I am "too mean". When I finally rejected him sexually, he said it was because I am "too mean". Ironically, the only time he seems to try to please me is when I withdraw emotionally. And if I am really good at withdrawing emotionally, I go for a while where I really don't care. As soon as I try to re-engage, though, we are right back to me being criticized NO MATTER WHAT I DO.

 

This was really brought home to me the other day when we were having what I thought was a normal, mutually interactive conversation. He stopped in the middle and informed me that I was not showing enough interest in what he had to say. I was like, WTF? The conversation went on, and a few minutes later, he told me that I was being needy and obsessive and talking too much. I had not, in fact, changed my tone or level of participation much at all.

 

Sometimes, you just can't win. I have a lot of things going on right now, but appears I am heading for divorce eventually. I am a bit older (51) and probably looking at a single life - and death - if this happens, but I feel like the walking dead a lot of the time now, so what the hell...

[giotto]

I know Giotto and am sorry to hear that.... We all need to change and that is true.... Point is though that the fact you are having sex has made some things easier though (not perfect). Ruin my simple equation.... thanks....

 

well, I thought it would solve all my problems, until I realised what the "real problems" were... it's one of those things, unfortunately. It's a shame, but the lack of communication just destroyed it for us. But I couldn't change my wife and it got to the point were it was unsalvageable.

 

More sex has made things easier, in the sense that it's more bearable for me to carry on this way. But the hurt is still there and it will never go away, regardless of the amount of sex I get...

 

I'm a fairly pessimistic person in general, but I do believe that people in sexless marriages lie to each other for selfishness, laziness or lack of alternatives... if you are in a sexless marriage, there is a big problem there... the other problem is that some spouses don't even think there is a problem...

[prenus.]

A man who has been loved once will be loved again, once he returns to loving actions. Not "Fine! I'll bathe the kids if you'll eff me later!" actions, but a man who tenders his wife will be well effed. Put a blanket on her, bring her coffee, be the wall between her and the world...

 

Guaran-effing-teed.

 

Not to burst your metaphorical bubble, but I can assure you such results are far from "Guaran-effing-teed". Husbands exist who try to do everything they can to make their wives feel loved, appreciated, attractive, respected, and as unstressed as possible while the the wife rebuffs such actions, sometimes with inconsistent rationale.