Two year later, the gloves came off...and she's certifiable!

[whichwayisup]

After I hung up, I thought: For that? You almost tossed me, us, our lives, our legacy, for a crazy drama queen who was playing you? Was still trying to play you?

He didn't love her, he loved how she made him feel. It was never about her at all. Obviously the grass IS NOT greener and one would think that MM would remember the movie Fatal Attraction...When ya cheat, sometimes it comes back to haunt you in ways you least expect.

 

You handled it great and I really hope she leaves you both alone. HE should leave the room if she comes to talk to him again. Sucks that she still is in the same company as him.

[Spark1111]

Here is another possible motivation for her visit:

 

He has been promoted to a very senior position. She finally gets invited to a meeting at headquarters and wants all to know she is friendly with this senior exec so has to find out where his new office is and waltzes on in unannounced and unexpected.

 

It was ALL about her feeding her own weak ego.....Like high school. "Look at me I am friends with the quarterback."

 

Also to see if he could still be charmed by her, or made jealous by her new boyfriend....also like high school.

 

Plus, in the work place, he IS a captive audience. No scenes gonna take place there.

 

So when speaking to me, he is villified for his lying. Took the wind out her sails right there by agreeing with her, like of course he lied, duh!

 

But to him, in his presence, she is all sweetness and light and do you think I'm a bad person and should I have a relationship with this new guy?

 

I mean HOW BLATANTLY MANIPULATIVE.

[Snowflower]

I can so relate to what you all are saying.

 

I have never contacted the OW in my situation. It has been a year (today is the one year mark of d-day for me-feels weird) and I think at this point I will likely never contact her unless she makes contact first. I have no desire to speak with her/see her (I only met her once months before the A). She is almost like a non-entity as far as I am concerned.

 

Like many of you mention, I think my H was really beginning to see her for who she really was before he confessed his A to me. She had gotten demanding and had said/done some rather presumptive things. Again, this was before d-day so it wasn't from me putting pressure on my H or her. My husband's words...'she was really trying to take it further than I ever wanted it to go.' Or 'she was way more interested' than I was.

 

In the past year, she has tried to contact him 3 times since things ended for good. She still seemed to think she could be a 'friend'. I have no idea what her motivation was. My H made it clear to her that he was recommitted to me.

[Spark1111]

I agree, too. And I agree with the "why" he can't remember so many of the details. I am sure that our H's remember more than they put on, but its probably insignificant or more embarrassing for them and their OP to tell us about it.

 

I think the details being all about "her dramas" is how their connection began to begin with.

 

My H ran into his former co-worker/OW at a local festival he performed at. Everyone else is doing small talk and saying "hello" and "great performance". Her? She has to let him know how she's fared since the worst breakup ever. Oh, her boyfriend left her after my phone call and got some other girl pregnant. A girl I think he ended up marrying. And on and on and on. The other people standing by for the conversation were in shock that she was so indiscreet about it. It was not a conversation to have an audience for, but that's what she did.

 

See what I mean by seeking sympathy? I don't think she knows of any other way to relate to people though.

 

And I feel the same is probably how it is with this exOW too. Her exH left her for an OW. She needed someone to commiserate with. Your H signed up for that job. She probably used the affair to prove to herself and to her exH that she was still desirable. And since the affair is over, she needed to *show* your H she moved on as well, but by trying to see if he moved on instead.

 

I used to only blame my H as well. But now I can see how some OW really do make many moves to continue to encourage things to continue on in the affairs. It really does take two to tango.

 

Oh, I get it, I really do.

 

When a man or woman is down or despondent, how much easier it is to to ride in and save these damsels and dumsels in distress, than to do the hard job of introspecting their own problems. What a beautiful diversion from that hard job.

 

And how easy to blame the spouse who justs wants you to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and engage in our life and our marriage, for cryin'outloud! It takes two here! Snap out of it!

 

What boggles the mind is how many less evolved souls RELY on the sympathy ploy to hook these vulnerable souls.

 

It must really work well for them, time and time again. It did for her. Poor blank, she has no money. Poor blank, her big, bad wolf of an xH is trying to destroy her in the courts! Poor, poor blank.

 

UGH! When do you stop being the victim in your self-created dramas????

[Snowflower]

Spark, I hope that the conversation with the xOW will really give you a sense of what your H's affair was and wasn't. And just as importantly, I hope that your H has seen her for who she really is. I'm not saying that the xOW is a terrible person...but that she was lonely, confused and vulnerable person and latched on to someone else (your H) who she thought would make her feel better.

 

Maybe at last you have some understanding of how it all happened. Or at least will 'understand' at some point in the near future.

 

(((hugs)))

[Spark1111]

I can so relate to what you all are saying.

 

I have never contacted the OW in my situation. It has been a year (today is the one year mark of d-day for me-feels weird) and I think at this point I will likely never contact her unless she makes contact first. I have no desire to speak with her/see her (I only met her once months before the A). She is almost like a non-entity as far as I am concerned.

 

Like many of you mention, I think my H was really beginning to see her for who she really was before he confessed his A to me. She had gotten demanding and had said/done some rather presumptive things. Again, this was before d-day so it wasn't from me putting pressure on my H or her. My husband's words...'she was really trying to take it further than I ever wanted it to go.' Or 'she was way more interested' than I was.

 

In the past year, she has tried to contact him 3 times since things ended for good. She still seemed to think she could be a 'friend'. I have no idea what her motivation was. My H made it clear to her that he was recommitted to me.

 

Hey Snowflower, take my advice. She continues to call because a) she does not fear you, or b) she believes he has not told you, so yes, she is still fishing.

 

Next time, if there is a next time, with his permission, or not, (totally up to you) call her and tell her WE want you to stay away from US. And let her know YOU DO KNOW about her previous calls because your husband told you about them. If she calls again, send her a certified letter from your attorney signed by the both of you.

 

My husband has remorse for both his lies to me and to her! It makes it hard for him to take his gloves off with her. He is probably kind but firm with her. Too kind, for reasons of his own remorse. But you do not have to be.

[Spark1111]

1. Yes, you kicked her ass and scared her off for good, and you should justifiably feel proud of the dignified way you handled it.

 

2. She was definitely fishing to see if he was still interested, and completely floored that he told you all about it.

 

3. From your account she was incredibly uncomfortable with your confrontation and floundered like, well, a home-wrecking flounder. But I don't see how she was almost certifiable, so if it makes you feel better your husband's 'taste' isn't beyond question. Attraction is a funny, non-logical thing at the best of times. Men often go for crazy chicks because they feel they are 'helping' them - same with girls and bad-boys. You'd really feel better if it was some 'great romance'? Presumably he stayed with you because he knew you were the better woman. That it took him a long time to realise that is down to all sorts of factors I know nothing about. But just enjoy your triumph and don't get your husband to 'justify' why she was worth an affair - anything positive he'll say about her will probably make you upset, right?

 

5. Again, you kicked her ass. Just enjoy it.

 

Hey collector, I do agree. He told me she was very smart, and she is. At a time when he percieved no one would want him, she made her play and he was enamored that a smart woman would want him. Like she was a prize. She is very successful at her job.

 

However, I too am a smart woman. Smart enough to realize in three minutes that many very insecure women HIDE behind their intellects, or bodies, or positions or money, to a) convince themselves of their superiority to everyone else, or b)use it to bolster themselves in like, gee...I am successful at my job, so if my personal life is a complete shambles, that must be everyone else's fault because I am so smart.

 

Get it? A facade of success to cover having to examine very weak insecurities. These people never learn and grow. Because they are smart, or rich, or beautiful, their problems MUST be someone else's fault.

[Snowflower]

Hey Snowflower, take my advice. She continues to call because a) she does not fear you, or b) she believes he has not told you, so yes, she is still fishing.

 

Next time, if there is a next time, with his permission, or not, (totally up to you) call her and tell her WE want you to stay away from US. And let her know YOU DO KNOW about her previous calls because your husband told you about them. If she calls again, send her a certified letter from your attorney signed by the both of you.

 

My husband has remorse for both his lies to me and to her! It makes it hard for him to take his gloves off with her. He is probably kind but firm with her. Too kind, for reasons of his own remorse. But you do not have to be.

 

Thanks, Spark. Actually though, I have to say that the xOW has stayed away for the most part. She quit contacting my H before we even really reconciled. As involved with the relationship as she seemed at the time, I was surprised to hear that she gave up a week after my H established NC with her. I give her some small credit for taking the hint and leaving him alone, for the most part.

 

I do think she was fishing the 3 times she attempted to speak with him after NC. One was about 2 months after NC was established. My H and the xOW still work for the same company although far apart geographically. They don't have to be in contact for day-to-day business. If they did have to have contact I would have insisted that he find a different job. My H offered to quit, for me, but I decided to try the 'wait and see approach.'

 

First time, she attempted to engage him in conversation at a conference. Yes, she was fishing most likely. My H told me immediately. At 3 months she attempted to contact him about a work-related matter. He delegated her question to someone else to avoid speaking to her. And forwarded me her email. At 6 months she made her biggest attempt to talk to him at a meeting...tried several times to talk to him. He shut her down and told me all the details. So, I do give my H credit for 'shutting her down' each time and just as importantly, telling me about it.

 

However, if she contacted him in a way that I considered out of line, I would have no problem with contacting her. I have her contact info. at my fingertips. But as long as she stays far away from us, I will leave her alone.

[Spark1111]

Okay Snowflower. But look what happened to me, to us, almost two years since he initiated NC with her.

 

For two years she must have fantasized he reconciled, not for love, but obligation, because they can only have true love for the AP, yes?

 

For two years, she must have reasoned I was not a woman to be reckoned with because I left her alone. For two years, I assumed she had gone on her merry way with a new life, a new man, and lots of regrets.

 

Assume nothing about the OW, is the moral to my story.

 

She was an arrogant, self-serving, very unstable lady just lying in wait for an opportunity to play her games again.

 

Not only did I not deserve it, neither did my husband. It was soooo wrong.

I want her to leave us alone. Me, for the obvious reasons, but him, too. It is today, also, very UNFAIR TO HIM.

[foreal]

Okay Snowflower. But look what happened to me, to us, almost two years since he initiated NC with her.

 

For two years she must have fantasized he reconciled, not for love, but obligation, because they can only have true love for the AP, yes?

 

For two years, she must have reasoned I was not a woman to be reckoned with because I left her alone. For two years, I assumed she had gone on her merry way with a new life, a new man, and lots of regrets.

 

Assume nothing about the OW, is the moral to my story.

 

She was an arrogant, self-serving, very unstable lady just lying in wait for an opportunity to play her games again.

 

Not only did I not deserve it, neither did my husband. It was soooo wrong.

I want her to leave us alone. Me, for the obvious reasons, but him, too. It is today, also, very UNFAIR TO HIM.

 

Assume nothing about the OW, is the moral to my story.

 

RIGHT ON.

 

And Spark, good job again..I am SO happy I told MOW's H and then I contacted HER..and oh yea, did that feel great, liberating. And Spark, you inspired me with the way you have handled yourself....I channeled that calm, cool energy---instead of a crazed wife, she got the calm, cool, classy woman I am....It took me 7 months to shake the crazies (and they may pop up again who knows!?) ...but I did it!

 

I will post what happened later, but just wanted to reiterate what Spark said above about assume nada about OW.....and to say if your gut says you should do something or say something...DO IT. With class. Like Spark!

[Snowflower]

At a time when he percieved no one would want him, she made her play and he was enamored that a smart woman would want him. Like she was a prize. She is very successful at her job.

 

However, I too am a smart woman. Smart enough to realize in three minutes that many very insecure women HIDE behind their intellects, or bodies, or positions or money, to a) convince themselves of their superiority to everyone else, or b)use it to bolster themselves in like, gee...I am successful at my job, so if my personal life is a complete shambles, that must be everyone else's fault because I am so smart.

 

 

Okay Snowflower. But look what happened to me, to us, almost two years since he initiated NC with her.

 

For two years she must have fantasized he reconciled, not for love, but obligation, because they can only have true love for the AP, yes?

 

For two years, she must have reasoned I was not a woman to be reckoned with because I left her alone. For two years, I assumed she had gone on her merry way with a new life, a new man, and lots of regrets.

 

Assume nothing about the OW, is the moral to my story.

 

 

Spark, thank you for taking the time to reply to my situation. You have definitely given me some things to think about.

 

First of all, what you mention about the xOW in your situation sounds so familiar to my own situation and what my H has said about why he initially enjoyed her attention and 'friendship.' She was successful in her job and I think that made him feel better about himself somehow. That she could 'help him' somehow as a colleague. It was odd.

 

Perhaps she did fantasize that the only reason he came back to me was out of some sense of obligation. I never thought of that before and frankly, I don't care what she thinks as to 'why' he recommitted to me. But you do have a point, I'm sure she thinks that he 'left her' because he had to.

 

My H did tell me a lot in the beginning when it was still fresh in his mind. It seems like it was 'love' from her side and of course, I'm sure she really wanted to believe that it was 'love' from his side, as well. So, I'm sure there are some fantasies that had to die hard.

 

I will remember your advice and assume nothing. I would be surprised but not shocked if she suddenly tried to contact him again at some point. But maybe she does think I am some spineless 'wifey' who took him back because I had to. And he was just going along with it because he had to. Thanks for the advice.

[Spark1111]

Here is another lesson learned from yesterday: During the course of his affair he grew cold, arrogant, critical and angry, blaming us for all, playing the victim.

 

We chalked it up to complete job stress with his new powerful position.

 

Yesterday, guess what I heard in her? She was cold, arrogant, critical, angry and blaming of him, me, my friends and family. No other's pain could be as great as her pain.

 

Holy echo Batman! They created a world where they were right and self-justified, the world was wrong. Profound self-righteous indignation!

 

That too, explains so much to me regarding his behavior towards us!It was being fed to him on a daily basis, maybe on a silver platter, like her body.

 

It was one more thing I could not wrap my head around, so it was so hard for me to forgive.

 

I get it a little better today. What we feed our souls with, we become.

[Snowflower]

I'm glad you understand better now, spark. I think that will be so helpful for your healing.

 

Have you shared your thoughts about this with your H? About the fact since the xOW was cold, critical, etc. and how your H became the same way? Does he/you know what he was seeking in her? What was messed up inside of him?

[PhoenixRise]

Here is another lesson learned from yesterday: During the course of his affair he grew cold, arrogant, critical and angry, blaming us for all, playing the victim.

 

We chalked it up to complete job stress with his new powerful position.

 

Yesterday, guess what I heard in her? She was cold, arrogant, critical, angry and blaming of him, me, my friends and family. No other's pain could be as great as her pain.

 

Holy echo Batman! They created a world where they were right and self-justified, the world was wrong. Profound self-righteous indignation!

 

That too, explains so much to me regarding his behavior towards us!It was being fed to him on a daily basis, maybe on a silver platter, like her body.

 

It was one more thing I could not wrap my head around, so it was so hard for me to forgive.

 

I get it a little better today. What we feed our souls with, we become.

 

 

Spark I don't want to hijack the direction of your thread but I wanted to add....

 

My H also became a different person during his affair. He was cold, and judgmental, and arrogant when he wasn't consumed with guilt and romancing me.

 

I took his bad behavior and his bad treatment because I didn't know about the affair, and MAINLY because I knew about the personal ****storm our life had been. I knew he was suffering because I knew all the trials that had nearly buried us.....job issues, parents dying, other parents with dementia, suicide of family members, and a huge personal tragedy in our lives that changed everything.....all this happened in the year before the affair started.

 

So all of a sudden his grief and pain over everything went underground and left behind this jerk. So I excused his being a jerk because I knew what he/we had suffered.

 

I think the most important thing I learned in all of this is that I will never, for any reason or excuse, tolerate bad behavior.

 

I will love you. Support you. Cry with you. Grieve with you. Watch your back. Talk to you. Understand you. Be your partner. Be your lover. Be your friend.

 

But I will never ever be anyone's emotional punching bag again.

Your pain does not give you license to hurt me.

[Snowflower]

 

I took his bad behavior and his bad treatment because I didn't know about the affair, and MAINLY because I knew about the personal ****storm our life had been. I knew he was suffering because I knew all the trials that had nearly buried us.....job issues, parents dying, other parents with dementia, suicide of family members, and a huge personal tragedy in our lives that changed everything.....all this happened in the year before the affair started.

 

 

OMG, almost verbatim to the year/two years prior for my H as well. We had each dealt with a huge personal ****storm, very much like you mention above. In fact, we are still dealing with the fallout of it even now (together).

 

And yes, I was coping with a lot of the same stuff too and yet I didn't have an affair. But what good does it do for me to hold that over him? That rationale doesn't make sense and makes me feel worse. My H had a different breaking point than I did and I know for a fact that NEITHER of us, especially me, had been at our best for at least a year prior to his A. I'm not taking blame for his decision and I learned a lot about myself.

 

The ****storm took its toll on us but the A put a lot of it in perspective for me. Life goes on.

[PhoenixRise]

OMG, almost verbatim to the year/two years prior for my H as well. We had each dealt with a huge personal ****storm, very much like you mention above. In fact, we are still dealing with the fallout of it even now (together).

 

And yes, I was coping with a lot of the same stuff too and yet I didn't have an affair. But what good does it do for me to hold that over him? That rationale doesn't make sense and makes me feel worse. My H had a different breaking point than I did and I know for a fact that NEITHER of us, especially me, had been at our best for at least a year prior to his A. I'm not taking blame for his decision and I learned a lot about myself.

 

The ****storm took its toll on us but the A put a lot of it in perspective for me. Life goes on.

 

I get exactly what you are saying...and I don't hold it over him.

 

For me, the fact that I knew the hell we had been through put the affair in perspective. I knew who we were all the years prior...I saw and felt the effects (still feeling it) from that horrid year. I knew where the affair came from.

 

I think we can definitively say that just as April showers bring May flowers....****storms can bring affairs.

 

AND you know what Snowflower....I have always admired your ability to absolutely take your share of the blame for the marital troubles.

When you have been hurt and betrayed it takes a lot of courage to look inward to try to find where YOU missed the mark.

[hopeless4u]

It's 2 years since DDAY and we are okay. IC, MC, and my WS being a better man has all helped me to heal from a long-term affair with a co-worker.

 

I have posted on here how hard it has been to have sketchy details, omitted details, and the I don't remembers. It has driven me crazy.

 

But I finally got the only detail worth knowing. I called her at work yesterday, with his full support and she is really, really.....unstable. Almost certifiable.

 

Within three and a half minutes, I was attacked, apologized, lied to, and evaded. Whoo boy!

 

After DDay, I only had empathy in my heart for a single mother who had just gone through an acrimonious divorce. And although I entertained revenge fantasies, I would never do anything to hurt a child, even her child. My anger was directed at him.

 

In March, I left three kind phone calls on her cell phone, extending an olive branch, with dates and times she could return my calls. I wanted this behind me, and since they work for the same company, I wanted peace in the event we ever bumped into each other. She never returned my calls.

 

They now work 50 miles apart for the same company. Last week, having a meeting on another floor, she just shows up at his office. He is stunned.

 

She tells him about her son, her new boyfriend, and her future plans, goals, etc. She said she would never return my phone calls, as I was "viscious." She asks him if he thinks she is a bad person, and should she pursue this new guy? He stammers only she can answer those questions, she shouldn't have come there, and "we wish you no harm." Afraid to tell me, he finally does.

 

I called her direct line at work yesterday, identified myself. Her secretary sends me over and I go directly to voice mail. I call back and she finally picks up.

 

I tell her I only had empathy in my heart for her because three people in a triangle, three get hurt. Until she didn't return my calls. That's when I realized she was a less evolved woman who did not own her choices. Had she had the courage to return my calls, I only had one question for her: How did you give yourself permission to do to me, what your ex did to you? Woman to woman, I could never wrap my head around that.

 

She apologetically, almost hysterically, said that I had no idea what was going on that day in her life, and my calls were escalating. I said three? calls? and that was months ago. You couldn't return my calls in the last six months?

 

I told her I protected her from friends and family that wanted to march on her doorstep and give her a piece of their mind.

 

Her response: (Attack) Well what kind of friends do YOU have? I didn't take the bait.

 

I said I did that because I would never hurt her child.

 

"My child was devasted." "Yes, so were mine. Did you ever think of them?"

 

"I was lied to profusely, repeatedly. You have no idea."

 

"Yes, I do. You got involved with a married man having a breakdown of sorts. What did you expect? We all got lied to."

 

ME: "So what was your purpose of arriving unannounced to my husband's office last week? We don't want you near our family. Stay away. You had no business there."

 

"Oh yes, i did have business there."

 

But NOT WITH HIM. We've moved on. Stay away from us and our family!

 

Oh, I moved on too. There's been nothing, nothing.

 

So, WHY did you stop up to his office unnanounced last week to ask his guidance on your new relationship? We don't care. STAY AWAY FROM US!

 

OW: Oh, I don't like the way this conversation is going...so I am ending it.

 

All of this with high, heavy drama and extreme emotionalism. Over the top. My head is still spinning. Spouse and I discussed it all last night.

 

Wow! My feelings are all over the place. And I should have done this so much sooner.

 

Comments?

 

WOW! Hope you don't mind Spark1111 but as an xOW I just had to comment.

She is so off her head. If my xMM's W rang me for any reason I would just curl up and die with guilt and answer any questions she asked and I certainly wouldn't go see him at work (we work at same company) I wouldn't go anywhere near him if he had ended it with me to make his M work.

[Snowflower]

I get exactly what you are saying...and I don't hold it over him.

 

For me, the fact that I knew the hell we had been through put the affair in perspective. I knew who we were all the years prior...I saw and felt the effects (still feeling it) from that horrid year. I knew where the affair came from.

 

I think we can definitively say that just as April showers bring May flowers....****storms can bring affairs.

 

AND you know what Snowflower....I have always admired your ability to absolutely take your share of the blame for the marital troubles.

When you have been hurt and betrayed it takes a lot of courage to look inward to try to find where YOU missed the mark.

 

Thank you PR for these kind words. My H confessed to me a year ago today. I feel kind of weird today but I've been busy which is good. Really, it is just a date on the calendar when all is said and done.

 

I had to look inward and see where I had contributed to the demise of our marriage. I couldn't sit there and be the victim, 'I can't believe he did this to me' mentality. It would have been a hindrance to my healing to think like that.

 

My H is a good person who made a bad decision to further screw up our already chaotic lives. I could have left him to deal with the fall-out on his own. But he owned his choices and his worked hard every day to make it up to me (and to himself, I believe). He is still the person I thought he was when I married him. The more time that goes by, the more convinced I am. But, I still trust myself more than I trust my H and I think it will always be like this for me. I got burned by him very badly.

[NoIDidn't]

Thank you PR for these kind words. My H confessed to me a year ago today. I feel kind of weird today but I've been busy which is good. Really, it is just a date on the calendar when all is said and done.

 

Not that you asked for it, Snowflower, but ((((*hugs*)))).

[PhoenixRise]

Thank you PR for these kind words. My H confessed to me a year ago today. I feel kind of weird today but I've been busy which is good. Really, it is just a date on the calendar when all is said and done.

 

But, I still trust myself more than I trust my H and I think it will always be like this for me. I got burned by him very badly.

 

 

It is understandable that you feel a little weird, but the fact that you can see today as just a date on the calendar is wonderful. You and your H have come a long way.

 

AND yes... I think you should always trust yourself more than anyone else. Truly it always should have been this way

[Snowflower]

Not that you asked for it' date=' Snowflower, but ((((*hugs*)))).[/quote']

 

It is understandable that you feel a little weird, but the fact that you can see today as just a date on the calendar is wonderful. You and your H have come a long way.

 

AND yes... I think you should always trust yourself more than anyone else. Truly it always should have been this way

 

Thank you so much for the kind words. I can't believe its been a year...it's been very long but has gone by quickly at the same time!

[roseroserose]

Dear Spark1111

 

I can't believe the amount of venim that is hurled into these posts here. Which closure are you talking about, there obviously is none.

 

If two years after the affair you're still ranting and raving like this, deciding to call the other woman, and cutting her to pieces here saying that she's mad based on one telephone conversation, I have my doubts who's the most unstable one.... I guess you both still are.

 

It must have been a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is what you wanted to believe, that she's sick, weird, bipolar, a witch who lured your husband with her seductive techniques. Of course I don't know the exact details, but in reality she might just have been a lonely woman who was an easy prey who was slowly seduced by your husband too and she just fell in love. It happens.

 

Your husband wasn't raped by her, don't make yourself any illusions. He probably kissed her softly and passionately, moved his fingers through her hair, made love to her, looked lovingly into her eyes and probably promised her a future together. And if he didn't promise her this future, I'm sure he manipulated her softly emotionally to get what he wanted sexually. He used her to satisfy some needs of his own.

 

Why wouldn't she react emotionally over the phone: she has been through a difficult divorce, then she was fooled and abandoned by a married man, and two years later she is called by his wife who wants to show that she has won, she has the man that the other woman has loved too. Only pouring more salt into the wound.

 

 

Moreover, she was caught off-guard, at her work. You rehearsed this telephone conversation over and over again in your head, you gave yourself a peptalk to finally make that call, you knew all the words you were going to say. She didn't expect this call at all, she was forced into it, cornered at an inappropriate time and place.

 

Your husband has won. He fooled two women who are now blaming one another instead of blaming him.

 

The other woman sees you as a conniving, spiteful bitch. In reality you're just a hurt wife who loves her husband (but maybe she shouldn't).

 

You see the other woman as a conniving, spiteful bitch. In reality she's just a lonely woman who's been used and thrown away by a married man. (she made a wrong choice in life, but she's only human)

 

He won.

 

He got away with it by blaming his mistress.

 

And what did he create? Two broken women who are trying to find meaning into it all, but they can't. The other woman can't believe that she's been used and discarded like this, and probably went to see him in his office only to find some proof that her existence hasn't been denied completely by him. Only to find out that she has become a nobody, after all he has told her. How cruel.

 

And you, as a wife, can't believe that this happened in your marriage, so you try to look for the good in your husband only to prove to yourself that all the time and energy you have invested in this marriage hasn't been wasted.

 

All parties here are shattered inside.

 

I'm sure your husband isn't evil. He's just a man who made a mistake and he dragged two other people with him. I don't want to blame him completely, people make mistakes, we all do, and we only realize afterwards how wrong we might have been.

 

All parties in this conflict are only human, trying to fill a void we sometimes feel inside of us. That's what your husband did by starting this affair, that's what the other woman did when she started this affair, that's what you're doing when you're trying to save your marriage.

 

Wishing you all the best.

Maybe forgiveness and understanding is the best way to heal.

[Spark1111]

roseroserose...you make some very valid points. But read my posts from the getgo...and I dare you to find a kinder, more considerate BS on these boards or the OW/OM forum.

 

I gave her every benefit of the doubt. Hell, I even felt only empathy for her. I hated him and threw him out repeatedly, told him to go get her.

 

If I believed for five seconds he was a self-entitled cake eater who duped two women, I would not be here. I don't have to stay --not for money, children, or status.

 

I loved the man and erroneously believed for two years, she must have been pretty amazing. I left her alone, extended an olive branch and thought, well, she is a smart professional like me, he loved both of us at one time, we must have many things in common.

 

What a shocker to realize not only are we nothing alike, she is certifiable.

 

I stand by my post.

[Spark1111]

Also, rose, my husband NEVER blamed me or his OW. He only blamed himself with such guilt and remorse it has almost impeded our healing.

 

Oh no, he had feeelings for her at the time. I just think he saw what he wanted to see, not the real her as I discovered yesterday.

[Spark1111]

WOW! Hope you don't mind Spark1111 but as an xOW I just had to comment.

She is so off her head. If my xMM's W rang me for any reason I would just curl up and die with guilt and answer any questions she asked and I certainly wouldn't go see him at work (we work at same company) I wouldn't go anywhere near him if he had ended it with me to make his M work.

 

Hopeless4u, thank you for your honesty. I assumed she was a sweet vulnerable woman at a low point in her life who got involved with a MM. I only had empathy in my heart and thought she did not return my phone calls because of her own issues. I gave her an opportunity to present her side, and when she di not or could not, I left her alone.

 

I am, after all, a kind person.

 

But my assumptions of her were NOTHING like the reality of her, and today I am saddened and resentful that I wasted so much time in my healing process to THAT WOMAN.