"I hurt you so much because I did not love you"

[EarthGirl]

So yeah..it's finally OVER. He "let me go"...yeah well I stopped talking to him a few weeks ago and have been sort of backing away for months for my own sanity, but of course he needs to believe it was him who "broke it off". So whatever he can believe whatever he wants if it makes him feel better. All I ever wanted was for him to feel better.

 

Today he writes me an email saying basically that it was all a lie and he never loved me at all whatsoever. That he knows what "real love" is now with the girl he is with now. That he put his head on her chest and heard her heart beat and he finally knew what real love was. That he was just "obsessed" with me..but it was all "false"..he even accompanied it with a link to a website about the "obsessive love wheel/cycle or whatever"

 

He said that he liked how I was so nice to him and that physically I was his dream girl and so he latched onto me and became obsessed with me..and this is where the "obsessive love wheel" comes in...He then became insecure and jealous (even though I never cheated on him) and went about trying to have "upper hand" (I always think of Seinfeld with that and it provides a little comic relief in my mind, but really it's a d@mn serious thing) by emotionally abusing me and putting me through an emotional roller coaster...One day praising me and wooing me and writing hundreds of god d@amn sonnets and a few whole 3 act plays about me (I kid you not) and then the next ignoring me for days on end or calling me a whore, slut, retard, loser, or a fat whale, etc. etc. etc.

 

So yeah apparently now he knows what real love is and he does not hurt her (at least not nearly as much) because he is in true love with her and not just fake obsession.

 

well..happy endings for everyone.

Edited November 24, 2009 by EarthGirl

[SageThyme]

...

 

At least he used an "I" statement, instead of blaming you. But what he said is still very hurtful to you. It seems he is justifying his abuse.

 

It won't be long before he does the same thing to this new girl. That he wrote you something so painful and misguided - instead of a sincere apology for what he put you through - shows that he hasn't really grown as a person. Has he?

 

How are you feeling right now?

[EarthGirl]

yeah, he tried to make it SEEM like a sincere apology but to me all it really was was the last blow of abuse ..the culmination of it all. He said all those things to me and then just took it all back in a matter of minutes, just like that. I think he sees it as him finally being more mature but I know a part of him knows very well what it really is. I know him and his mind kind of operates on different levels...not like he is multiple personality but one level of his mind is kind of like a puppet master and it can convince another part of something to be true when really he knows it isn't..

 

I am not talking about wether he ever loved me or not, I'm not claiming he did...I'm just talking about that he's convinced some part of himself that that letter ...final goodbye letter I guess..was him growing as a person and admitting the truth and letting me go so I could be happy in life instead of hurting me..And while I AM grateful for that part ..don't get me wrong..to finally get off the rollercoaster. There was really no reason for him to claim that I meant nothing to him at all and he is just sorry he used me so and hurt a nice person...a very nice person but a person that has absolutely no personal value to him himself.

 

Because the thing is even if he never loved me in that way at all or loved me in ANY way and it was all a lie..he did KNOW me..and he also knows about ME that I am very strongminded and will believe whatever I want to believe no matter what anybody else tells me. So it was completely pointless to tell me all that about it being a "false love'...He knows that on some days I may be completely defiant and claim that I'm still the love of his life and it matters little what he says..after all he is a compulsive liar.

 

And on other days I may feel different...in fact on days when he showered me with affection and love, there were times when after all I'd been through with him, I would claim that he did not give a sh*t about me...And vice versa there were days he showered me with affection and I absolutely believed him and times he denied he ever felt anything for me and I at the time felt defeated and absolutely believe him....It's all very difficult to go through those ups and downs but the thing is... it really matters very little what he claims to feel or not feel because I am inevitably at any moment just going to believe what *I* feel to be the truth. That's just the kind of person I am and it's gotten me through a lot which I might not have made it through otherwise if I didn't have that kind of personality. You can't just erase everything he's said and done for me and all we've been through together.

 

All that said, of course it stung at the moment to read all those actual words from him..and it stung HARD. But being that I know that HE knows these aspects of my personality in above paragraph , I really feel that wether he does love me or at least did..or it was totally all fake and empty for him and he was just using me...whichever case, doesn't really matter...

 

I feel like the "goodbye letter' was really just one more calculation of torture...a way to hurt me while pretending he was actually doing the honorable thing... because he could have just said I'm sorry I love you (or I'm sorry, I just DON'T love you) but I love her more and I have to say goodbye, thank you for everything, I won't be contacting you again.

 

He could have made it so much easier because he knows if he says goodbye I am not going to bother him or her ..I'm not going to stalk them or anything, I'll just go about my way,I have no choice.

 

Anyway yeah I am feeling ok. you know I have been through so much the past few years that ..I am just not afraid of discomfort anymore. I am confident I will get through it to a brighter day at some point. I really am, and at least that hope coming back, a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel maybe not all that far away after all... is a great relief.