Here is my story. . .

[minutebyminute]

I am going to omit my past history until someone needs to know more. . .

 

Here is my story...

 

I owned a thriving business with my H. We needed help. A man walks in and says he needs a job. I tell him to come by tomorrow he does hes hired.

 

He is over qualified as most people are this day and time. he thanks me for this job says it saved his life.

 

It's November, I am out with H and family he leaves me a message he is so thankful for job he is happy, kind of weird to both of us.

 

He displays great charater and tries hard, he gets on everyones nerves but mine, I need a good employee.

 

I start to notice that he notices and compliments me. . .I have been in a committed relationship for 25 years. Had kids 10 years in. My husband takes me for granted, have had physical, emotional & verbal abuse to contend with over the years, but remained commited.

 

Christmas comes he has no one so I ask him for dinner. My H hating the Holidays leaves early, so it is just he & I and my kids. We have a great time and leave with kisses on the cheek.

 

Fast forward. . .the fliration between us is embarassing. We end the New Year with a kiss of all kisses.

 

I have an affair with this man, I love him. I tell my husband and ask for a divorce. I tell his family as well as mine. Our business is failing... My H lacks interest anymore. I sit my kids down and tell them. They see their dad cry everything is swirling.

 

Of course he is laid off, we contine to see each other but i suspect as I had before he has a wandering eye. He uses the excuse that i am married to pardon himself from everything.

 

I spend only one entire night with the man I love, while my H is out finding a new beginning for whoever then it ends. I choose to move to another state loosing everything. I chose for my kids

 

Just found out dad has cancer, called him first. . told me how i should interact with my kids. Several calls from new location, then called him dont know what exactly he was doing but went crazy and told him off.

Did not hear from him for about 2 months. Terror text and drunk dialed, then he calls to tell me this:I moved in with a couple of girls in my circle

of friends. She lost her job, mine was slow so we talked a lot.. We made love... she told me that would never happen again and that lasted about a week she barely lets me sleep across the hall-which is really nice. I went to work had problems and she told me not to go back, as a matter of fact lets go on a trip with no return agenda. Her dad just gave her a five thousand dollar check and babe see I knew it would all work out. He then goes on to tell me how beautiful she is and she could have any man she wanted, but chose him, but why?? She is 34 and he is 50, but she doesn't care, she feels she is the luckiest and happiest person in the world.

Why did he say these things to me??? Why all the gory details. I know. . .but the romantic in me says I would leave with him in a second, now I just loath him. He's a player and I am stupid right??????? there is so much more to this, but im burnt, i hurt,i spent 3 months in bed, husband and family thik it is because we lost everything, but it is because of him, I can't let go...I can't Please anyone tell me what you think, i need to know

[bentnotbroken]

I think you need counseling and meds for depression. The rest......

[minutebyminute]

Thanks so much for your support. ..

Obviously you have no idea what I have been through,

you couldn't possibly. ..

I am on meds just to be honest, and I can't afford counsil

at this time. Just hoping someone out there may identify.

Thanks for reply!

[bentnotbroken]

I am going to omit my past history until someone needs to know more

 

I can't let go....I can't Please anyone tell me what you think, i need to know.

 

 

So the 2 above quotes are why I commented the way I did. I have no history, therefore I don't' know what you have been through, your choice. And I told you what I thought, because you asked and said you needed to know. If this isn't what you intended, maybe your original post should be amended to make it a bit more clear.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Poor lady you need mental help. You had an affair left your husband. while the business broke down. told your kids your leaving your H for another guy, told your families. Then you sleep with this man, not only that you move on with a female and start sleeping with this female?

 

WTF are you a sex addict or something. I feel sorry for your kids and your husband, because clearly you have issues. You cannot blame anyone else but yourself!

 

Take it how you want it.

[minutebyminute]

Sorry, you misinturpreted my story.I spent an hour writing it and then

it didn't go thru. I re-wrote it , i've read it and it is not what I intended at all. It took a lot of courage for me to post my life. You have it all wrong

Everything AND IVE NEVER BEEN WITH A WOMEN I think I made a terrible mistake by telling my story, My kids are un scathed by my actions, and I was truthful with my husband, yes you are right, professional counsil is probably the way to go...Please no one reply on this thread. Thanks.

[bentnotbroken]

If you are having trouble getting out of bed that is usually a sign of severe depression. Hence my suggestion of counseling and medication. Some forms of depression are so deep, that intervention is needed.

[2sunny]

and if it seems obvious that the meds aren't working - then ask for them to be changed. it seems you need to try anything new compared to what you've been doing.

[minutebyminute]

Thank you I think the fact I have been so severly depressed and actually pulling myself out of it, I did not relate that in the thread. First thread. Sorry. I am lucky I have acess to family members that are equally educated and are able to counsil and advise. I got ahead of myself in the thread. I am so hurt by this man that I was used and discarded like a piece of toilet paper, I guess my real questions are these:

I want to know everything about a player, I read the threads, but require more knowledge

I want to know more about the sociopath dater

I want to know what defines a person of elder age dating a person of

mid age and what society thinks of them.

 

Yeah. . . Guess I should have used a legal pad before i started, whatever

deal with me okay??

[bentnotbroken]

Perhaps you could be healed more if you concentrate on what made "you" make the choices "you did". It is easy to ignore our own personal responsibility when things don't work out the way we want them to. The truth is this is a situation that you walked into. Use the anger you are showing here to move forward.

[minutebyminute]

You are 100% accurate.

However, the child inside wants to know what she wants to know.

My thread did not communicate what I am searching for, I will have to

repost, trust me I am not baby jane, just deeply hurt by a man that I thought loved me and turned out to be a con/player. I'm humiliated,

my colleagues what must they think then who cares, they don't pay my bills, most importantly what was I thinking, like you said.

[1Angel]

Does it really matter if this guy was a player? It's over. You made a mistake, now make it right for you and your kids. Dust yourself off, rebuild your life and keep trying. Questioning what ifs and why did OM do that doesn't really help.

[minutebyminute]

Yes it helps

 

The reason I feel better today is because I found this site. My mouth hung open when I read some of the stories. I'm not alone!

 

I need to clarify a few things in the thread. I was in bed for three months-I didn't want to look for a job, I cried a lot, I took care of my kids fantastically as I have always done, but I was devistated.

 

I never saw it coming with this OM. He pursued me and then got his conquest. He always left his options open, but made me believe I was the one. He made me feel jealous, never had the opportunity to meet this evil emotion, but he also made me feel like a woman again, sexy and alive. He listened to me, something no one ever did, or was he listening only to know how to love me, as another player pointed out in a post.

 

My H never had time for me. I basically became the live in maid, lunch lady, caretaker etc from the beginning of our marriage. He manipulated me to go along with whatever he wanted out of his life-he distanced me from my family gradually and has never liked any of my friends.

 

The OM simply filled all the empty spots in my life along with love which I don't think I have ever felt. He lived through the pain I was going through side by side, or did he just need a job, money, sex when he wanted it.

 

My H finally listened to me he had to he was loosing me. I told him just a handful of things he had done to me that I could never forgive him for and devastated me. He said he never remembers any of them. He said he was going to win me back, it wasn't over. That hurt me that he hurt, but I was angry, why did it have to come to this for him to see me?

 

What were my chances with the OM. My H used my children by telling them things only we should have discussed. He cried in front of my kids telling them I was splitting up the family. After I left and ruined everyone around me, my kids would hate the OM & I shouldn't be doing it for the OM, but myself.

 

We were/are in crisis financially, how could I support the kids and be the supermom I have always been? All the family wanted to know, asking me to please consider everything most importantly our children make a choice, then go back and make it again. I've been used to living and working alone, but all the time married, taking care of all the details, so why not be happy, come home happy, do something for me for once and have love too!

 

Well, as things unfolded the only logical/moral thing to do was to move on with the H, keeping the kids happy and secure. My fantasy of what I could do by myself was just that, a fantasy. I never intended to end the affair, just wanted the dust to settle. The OM never ended it with me either, like I said he always kept his options open.

 

 

I was so afraid that I was going to lose my one true love sent to me just for me. Then the what ifs came. The OM and I vowed to always keep in touch.. forever. Slowly my friends stopped returning my calls, hey they have jobs, I have a lot of time, I understand. I was hurting so bad and needed to talk. I called the OM -Who was he with when I called him that day, how could I be replaced??How could he treat me like this? I felt betrayed, I was hot with jealously-I told him I couldn't believe the treatment, so I told him that he could go f**k himself-He shut me out. The only way I had to contact him was by phone and he wasn't responding. why did he turn his back on me when I needed him the most?

 

I did all the classic things, text, drunk dial etc.

He finally calls, but to tell me he is going on a trip with a much younger woman who claims to love him, how beautiful she is and gory details. They have known each other like 2.5 months. . .

That HURT! I don't think I have ever cried so hard. It felt like someone had died. Why, why WHY! Why did he tell me these things?Why did he tell me about his new sex life after we had a love affair and knowing how much he means to me and how up until now willing to still be with him?????

 

Then reality hit.Then I did a lot of reading. Now I need answers. In matters of the heart there is nothing like cold hard facts to get you back on track.

 

Someday this will be a memory,as my mom told me, but right now I need to find my way there.

 

As for my H & myself, we are taking it very slow. He tries harder, I can see that. He listens better, I can see him differently now. I will never ever let him talk to me or treat me the way he did in the past, not even one word i let him slip by me. As I am trying to let go of the OM, but still clinging to the fantasy that some day(boy I got it bad) I think maybe we could try over again. I don't know, but I do know I made a the best choice for our family right now.

 

I need a slap in the face better than the one the OM gave me so please

ALL PLAYERS GIVE ME WHAT YOU GOT! Thank you

[Chrome Barracuda]

All this thinking about the affair is not gonna make your marriage last...

 

You only settled with your husband because the OM dumped you, let's be real. You claimed the OM was the love of your life, after all that destruction and emotional damage why are you still married?

 

Your husband did the right thing and told the truth, you cant blame him for that. YOU was the one that was cheating, he wasnt crying putting on a show, he was crying because he was hurting and just because he didnt pay any attention to you was no reason for you to end up hurting him and your family. You need to own that!

 

You sound mad defensive yo.

 

No one put a gun to your head and forced you to sleep with another man, that was your choice. Yours alone.

[GorillaTheater]

Holy cow. What a clusterf*ck.

 

Okay, I'm with Angel and Bent on their opinion that it doesn't matter why the OM did the things he did (it's a pointless waste of time trying to figure out what someone else is thinking, particularly when the relationship is over), and that your time is much better spent trying to figure out why YOU did the things you did and where you want to go from here.

 

But since you apparently really really want our opinions on the OM:

 

I don't get the sense that this guy is necessarily a "player". If I understand what you wrote (and I admit I had a few difficulties trying to figure out what you were talking about), you're aware of only two relationships that this guy has had in the past year, the one with you and the one with the 34-year-old). I think he was honestly attracted to you, but didn't have the sense or integrity to avoid a relationship with a married woman. For whatever reason, he moved on. It happens. If you want to know WHY he moved on, you're probably out of luck, but the best you can probably do is to examine your own actions.

 

You sound like one hell of a mess, honestly. I hope you get it all sorted out.

[minutebyminute]

I don't know why I had the affair. Could of been years of emotional, physical and verbal abuse. I grew as a person, but not as a woman.

I tried everything in the book to make our marriage great. I was a sap, a doormat a nothing. Trust me when I say I am not ugly, I take great care of myself, I'm a girly girl. I always worked out, but never looked good enough for my Husband. Whenever we had a great time, something bad was always right behind it.

He never went anywhere with me. I attended all the kids musical, plays, festivals etc. If he HAD to go somewhere he made it so uncomfortable and miserable that we all suffered. Still he is my H, I took vows with him, but I am the only one keeping them well, err. When I had my first child he wouldn't let my mom come down until he felt okay with it. My mom was

not up for that so came down to see me anyway. He left me in the hospital told me to stop my sniveling and would not come to see me, told me to take a cab home or better yet have my dad bring me home.

 

I went into the hospital to have a tumor taken out of my thyroid. On the way to the hospital he told me he hated me and I made him sick.

 

ANd on and on. I NEVER looked at any other man, they were looking at me, but I made my choices.

 

I don't know why with this guy, he mowed me over. I can't answer why I strayed I just know I am not sorry for the experience even if in the long run I got hurt.

 

 

You cannot give a person just enough sustenance (love) to get by. Ever hear that crying dog outside on the chain, the one the creep comes out and kicks because he is crying due to the fact he is hungry, thirsty and lonely?

 

My H cried because he knew he f**ed up. He knew I should be treated better, cherished like I cherished him. He told my kids because he said he would turn them against me and make them hate me. Then he said he was sorry, but the damage was done.

 

Now, My H is happier than a pig in sh*t. He got what he wanted

 

As for you, you need to READ what I am saying, sounds like your the creep that kicks the dog. Don't judge me because you are mad at the world for what you have done, learn from what all these people are saying make the next um lucky? person that comes into your life stay there

 

I can take it, shoot it straight, but I will not take your hate

[jnj express]

sounds like you are still letting your H. manipulate you, as per children. Have you ever stood up for yourself with him---got in his face, coldly made your point and walked away, so he couldn't argue----that is what you need to do-----you were letting him own you. That needs to change---its a 2 way street, and you are a couple, things to be done as a couple----BUT, all of this does not give you the right to have an A. Forget hurting your H., it is your children who will be hurt the most. If you are really on the right track, you need to get the OM out of your mind, and work on a level playing field with your H.

[minutebyminute]

Yeah, he had some flings he told me about when we were not in a relationship. He shared a lot because he was trying to get over his former

girlfriend. I shared a lot because everyone could see what an a hole my husband was to me. It seems he moves on a lot, dates one here and there romantically then they never hear from him again leaving them perplexed. ALways secretly talking on his phone, viewing text messages, never ever leaving his phone alone, but did one time and he had messages from other women. I am a mess, only one very short life to live though.

 

Its seems so easy for everyone to say just walk away, but like I said before, I feel like something died and I am mourning and grieving he was

a good friend to me. I miss him, Im mad at him, I hope he didn't deceive me. Im in an emotional infant stage right now, I know I need to mature and move on its just so easier said than done.

[GorillaTheater]

Yeah, he had some flings he told me about when we were not in a relationship. He shared a lot because he was trying to get over his former

girlfriend. I shared a lot because everyone could see what an a hole my husband was to me. It seems he moves on a lot, dates one here and there romantically then they never hear from him again leaving them perplexed. ALways secretly talking on his phone, viewing text messages, never ever leaving his phone alone, but did one time and he had messages from other women. I am a mess, only one very short life to live though.

 

Its seems so easy for everyone to say just walk away, but like I said before, I feel like something died and I am mourning and grieving he was

a good friend to me. I miss him, Im mad at him, I hope he didn't deceive me. Im in an emotional infant stage right now, I know I need to mature and move on its just so easier said than done.

 

Okay, I get that. But while you're trying to figure out the OM's motivations, listen occasionally to the rational corner of your mind that's telling you to forget it, it doesn't matter. Eventually, as the emotional dust settles, I imagine that that voice will get louder.

 

Now, for your husband. I hope you understand that it is extremely common for wives to rationalize and justify their decisions to cheat on the basis of how badly their husbands suck (I don't think men spend as much time justifying their decisions to cheat, we're more opportunistic and "feral" in that regard). I mean, your H may well be a hopeless dick, but I hope you're willing to entertain the idea that you may be exagerating his bad points. In my book, you would have shown alot more integrity by divorcing his ass rather than cheat on him.

 

And that's what you probably need to be thinking about at this point, more so than the ex-OM. Do you want to stay married? Why or why not?

[jnj express]

The emotional playing field you are putting yourself on---is your doing----You just have to suck it up, and move forward----You have kids to take care of, and a mge., to deal with----The OM, he is single he is doing his thing, and you just came along for the ride, that's the way you have to look at it----He is a bad guy and you know it----any man who would entice a married woman knowing she has kids, that will have their lives wrecked by his doing, and he is 50% of the A., is a slimeball, you may not like hearing it, but it is the truth. How many other families has he wrecked on his path of screwing everything that walks in front of him. You have things you need to deal with, they don't include the scumbag that helped get you into this mess. You know what you need to do in/re: your husband, set your rules, see what he needs, and see if you 2 can work it out, if you can't then your kids are better off in split homes!!!!

[minutebyminute]

Thank you, i honestly mean it.

I have been shouldering all the blame, he cheated with me

Your all right, I know. I do have a rational side, I will listen to

it more.

 

Your right also I excused my behavior because he was so cruel to me and no I did not exaggerate Im sad to say. There is 2 sides to every story, he was under considerable pressure and not on any type of medicine at that time, but I refuse to make up excuses for him from now on. I did it for years to save his face in front of my friends and family. They have eyes, just thought I was an adult and it was my life thus the alienation from the family & friends.

 

I made new friends, never told them about the H's behavior, he never did anything with me so I was safe. It wasn't until all this happened and I needed to call in my one real friend and I told her everything. She never thought any more or less of the H, was very straight forward with me, level headed played both sides and gave me the tools to decide my final decision.

 

She is not here with me. I have no one to talk to about this. The right course is to first let go. This is hard. I will do it.

Secondly, I'm going to have to dig deep and make a time plan if I don't like what I see, your right my kids deserve the best.

 

Thanks for the thoughts

[jnj express]

Sounds like your thinking straight----Just remember, you do have to deal with your H's coping with your A., ONLY if you want to keep this mge. Dealing with his BH problems can be very hard on you, but it is something you have to go thru, ONLY if you want to keep this mge. BUT, your H., also must change entirely in his attitude toward you, ONLY if he wants to keep this mge. You can't do anything about what he does, you can"t make him change, But you and only you, are responsible for what you do, and he has to deal with you need. If you decide to stay, then you must stand up for yourself, on legitimate points, and let your H. know what you want. You do this coldly, calmly, and never allow an argument to follow. You make your point tell him the consequences, and WALK AWAY. You know what you need to do, just take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself, yes you have cheated and violated the mge., and that has to be dealt with by both of you together. but you know what you need to do for your future, do it, and good luck.

[2.50 a gallon]

I am sort of lost, what is it you really want to know?

 

Do you want confirmation you were played? You already know that answer.

 

If you want details to confirm it, I would advise against it as it might make matters worse and the cuts deeper.

 

Yes there is a chance that the OM might come back into your life, but if he does run, do not listen to a word he says. Take it from a former player, he has listened to you and will parrot back anything you want to hear, just to get what he wants, and it is not love and sharing. He will fill your void with words you want to hear, but there will be no truth in what he says.

 

He is a slimeball, who is taking advantage of an emotionally vulnerable married woman for his selfish desires.

[minutebyminute]

OKay you were a player. Did you ever have an A with a married woman-& why? With so many single woman why target a married one. Yes, I participated, but because I thought it was true. If you did with a MW, did she have kids? What was your MO? Why did you make her believe you loved her?

 

Do you ever have remorse, how do you feel when you broke someones heart?

 

How does a player live, alone, with roommates?

 

Yep, it helps. When I read your post I felt the logical side take over. Reaffirming my choices, reminding me of the little details, red flags if you will, that I choose to forget.

 

Hearing him called a slimeball by one of his colleagues helps, it really does. I know, JUST GET OVER IT! This guy hurt me so deeply, i need

the answers and if not from him then from a guy just like him

 

Thanks.

[2.50 a gallon]

I was a player before I met my XW, she tried to change me, we married moved a thousand miles away from my support system (were I back in my home town, a call or two would have brought over some female companionship / and a call or two would have had strangers advising the OM to look elsewhere) I grew up in a tough neighborhood, where the first rule of survival was don't get mad get even.

 

Shortly after we got married the XW began to lose interest in the tamed me and my marriage was attacked by several OM's. I caught her kissing an OM and I kicked her out.

 

Until that time I never chased MW. But when the darkness descended and I no longer had any local numbers to call, I went after the wife of my next door neighbor. He had been one of the OM's. Then I went after the wife of one of my XW's co-workers, he was also an associate OM

 

I was new in the area, and it took me awhile to develop new single female friends. However I did have female co-workers. I am not very tall, skinny, had long hair and liked to dance. One night at a party I overheard two of the husbands of my co-workers basically make fun of me asking if I was a man or a woman. They were short haired suits. Their wifes liked to dance, they didn't. It took me 3 weeks and 6 weeks for them to regret it.

 

I never had any LTR's with a MW, it was more along the line of a few ONS. I never told them that I loved them, that would be cheating. Only a slimeball would do that.

 

No remorse, I got what I wanted, the ladies got what they wanted, and in most cases if the H had stayed out of my life it never would have happened. As to brokenhearts, the first two were heart broken over their husbands actions with my XW. As to the other two I am unsure, they knew it was only for fun and sex, love was never mentioned.

 

MO: (This applies to most women not just MW) Simple, be exciting, be interesting, dance, take nude photos, take nature photos of flowers, animals, become an abstract painter (I had an easel, paints brushes, and a painting that I never finished, titled "Nude at ???" and I always painted in the nude, always keep at least one bottle of champagne in the fridge, have a full bar, learn how to mix drinks, become the perfect party host, (i.e. I spent the night playing bar tender, and cooking stuffed mushrooms, etc.), but most of all become a good listener, take an inerest in their lives, become the male friend that they could trust and talk to, and they would tell me how to make them laugh and how to seduce them. I was always patient, I did not push, I always tried to make them think that they were seducing me, or that is was a mutual seduction and it just sort of happened. As you mention in one of your posts, they would tell me what was missing in their lives and I would fill their void. My best line, "No woman should have to put up with that." You would be surprised how many men do not like to provide oral sex. See above quote.

 

To be honest, I developed a play book, and my lines rehearsed. Such as the OM telling you to return to your H, that was another one of my lines, I always told my partners to go back and try again with their BF's. It made me look like a good guy, I knew I was in control and they would come back

Edited November 26, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon