When he doesnt call when he says he will..smart move to approach this situation?

[SDSJ]

Thanks for all your responses. At the end I did suggest we go to an italina cafe and he declined because he only eats healthy food.

So we ended up just going out for a drink and then he offered I stayed over at his appartment, he said stay over and you can take the bus tomorrow morning...I have him a nasty look and he realized so he said ok I will drop you off.

But I just went home after the lounge.

Nothing interesting happened, in fact I wasnt impressed with the way he trated the servers.. very controling in my opinion.

He took two business calls in the act and I was going to approach the " where are we going topic" but I just decided to drop it I dont need to know.

I'm not interested...

So he dropped me home that night and I havent heard from him since..

I bet he will re appear when he "needs" something...

Waiting for that day to tell him off..!

[Yukikazi]

If you date a girl, wouldnt you want her to know you want to celebrate with her ?

 

Not necessarily. I was just starting to date a girl and was only on the 4th date when she got around to asking when my bday was.

Coincidently it happened to be the next weekend. She insisted on getting toether for it even though she was working.

 

Did I enjoy spending my bday with her.. of course.

Would I have told her after 5 dates when it was and that i wanted to spend it with her.. no.. I don't advertise my bday.. seems selffish to me.. I'm always of the idea that if ppl care.. they will ask and remember it somehow.. I shouldn't have to remind them. She cared enough to ask so I spent it with her.

 

Bday's in the early stages of dating can be confusing "gift" wise also.. you don't really know them well enough to know what they would like and then you have to decide monetary limits.

[Kamille]

Thanks for all your responses. At the end I did suggest we go to an italina cafe and he declined because he only eats healthy food.

So we ended up just going out for a drink and then he offered I stayed over at his appartment, he said stay over and you can take the bus tomorrow morning...I have him a nasty look and he realized so he said ok I will drop you off.

But I just went home after the lounge.

Nothing interesting happened, in fact I wasnt impressed with the way he trated the servers.. very controling in my opinion.

He took two business calls in the act and I was going to approach the " where are we going topic" but I just decided to drop it I dont need to know.

I'm not interested...

So he dropped me home that night and I havent heard from him since..

I bet he will re appear when he "needs" something...

Waiting for that day to tell him off..!

 

Perfect! Now at least you know for sure you're not interest in this guy. The question isn't 'is he into me' but rather ' are we compatible'. You have more then enough reason to believe you aren't. Good job listening to your own boundaries and asserting them. By respecting yourself, you rendered the question of whether or not he respected you irrelevant. Very proud of you.

Edited November 30, 2009 by Kamille

[SDSJ]

Yukikazi - That's right it shouldnt be a big deal, I thoguht about and I dont mind. I wished him a happy birthday and he went out with hsi friends taht's fine.

I was debating whether or not I should give him a present but decided not to.

 

Kamille - You are right, we have to respect our limits. Im going to admit I wasnt too good at that, used to always excuse guys and just jusitfy their behaviour. Im getting better at that.

I would like to work more on learning to identify the players from the non players and be assetive early on.

I agree with "its a compatibility" question.. but also I believe you have to be given a fair chance to know whether you are ocmpatible or not.

I dont believe he gave me this chance, no phone calls, quick texting, no follow up, when we did see each other or talked early on we seem to have so much fun.

I don't know where it went wrong..I think its a circle now.. he doesnt text me so I dont.

It jusyt bothers me so much when I used to text him and he never replied back...complete turn off..so I shut down too.

[Kamille]

The thing I find the greatest about respecting my own boundaries and learning to assert them is that it spares me from having to figure out the players from the rest.

 

I hope I can explain it. Basically, I don't think you did anything wrong with this guy. You did give him a chance. I don't understand fully why you would feel that he didn't give you a chance. He did - only you've realized very early on that he wasn't offering you the type of relationship that you wanted. Good for you for realizing what you want and not wasting your time on someone who, for reasons you will never figure out, cannot offer it.

 

So, really, it doesn't matter whether or not this guy is a player or whether or not he's into you or whether or not something went wrong. What matters is that you are sticking up for yourself and what you want. I find the more I date the easier it gets to communicate my boundaries without feeling like it's a confrontation every time. I thereby avoid putting all my dates 'on trial' and I can concentrate on getting to know someone. I don't have to make every single man I date fall for me. What I want is to find someone with whom I can communicate respectfully and with whom I can therefore build a strong relationship.

 

Basically, I've stopped putting my ego on the line while dating. The focus is no longer on whether I'm attractive enough or whether the guy is a jerk and more on whether we are mutually good for each other.

 

So don't think anything went wrong. Just realize that you two are clearly mismatched (whether in what you are looking for right now or just in communication style) and move on.

[SDSJ]

I find this a very good post. Made me think and I hope lots of ppl stumble upon it:)

I did realize that a long time ago, but I'm still putting it into practive basically honor my emotions, my needs, my wants and being assertive.

It takes practive I think, I know that the fact that someone doesnt like me doesnt mean my ego has to be crushed. It just means we are not the right fit.

But like I said it takes practice to really act by this you know.

Sometimes I do step back and think hey what I do wrong? Or hey what if I woulda done this or that?

All bs I realize now, when someone is right for you and wants to be with you..it will happen no matter what.

[SDSJ]

So I just like to keep everyone updated .. until I finally nail this one out.

Well he sent me a random text yesterday asking me if I have found something I lost and I needed. I said no I haven’t but found a solution to it already.

He never texted back, so I thought ok what is this, he doesn’t text me for a bit then randomly he asks if I found my file? and then stops talking?

So I thought ok Im going to call this guy and tell him that Im not interested in this please stop messaging me etc.

I called and he didnt pick up but sent me a text saying, Im in class babe I will call you during break time. I said call me please and he replied "ok my boss"..

SO he called me and he was in a rush and quickly said hey babe I missed you, how was your day, did you find your file, he told me his frd is coming to town and he wants us to go out for dinner on Friday so we have to plan that.

Then I tried to tell him, hey I did try to talk to you about that but seems like lately we haven’t been communicating much, I send you texts and you don respond etc, I told him it seems like you dont want to talk to me or at least the impression you are giving me.

And all he said was "oh no man I don’t want to give you that impression, that's not true, cant believe you are thinking that" and I said well that’s they way It seems and he said well I have been busy with work, school, classes on the side sometimes things don’t work out as expected.

And I wanted to keep going and say well this is not working for me yadda yadda.. but a man called him and he had to go.

Im half way there…

 

I mean going out for dinner with his frds? what does he want I cant play rollercoaster..

[SDSJ]

Hello, so we ended up meeting yesterday for a coffee after he insisted because he wanted to talk to me... and the "what are we topic" came up.

He said that he felt we had something amazing and that he likes to spend time with me, and he said that he wants to exclusively date me to get to know each other and to figure each other out because he wants to make sure he is with the right person.

I said I didnt want to be stuckin a dead end dating relationship and he said I shouldnt be afraid of just risking it and fighting for the guy I want and to not cut off the opportunity for both of us to fall for each other.

I said but you are always busy and I dont think you have time for each other and he said , I like hanging put with you and even though I am busy I make time for you and then he called me and asked me out for dinnre today.

 

Guys.. what should I do? SHould I accept this "slow dating" terms? Does it sound like there is light at the end of the tunnel.. or is it just a waste of time when he asked me lets be exclusive and get to know each other ..

[boogieboy]

Sounds like your dating him is only going to happen on his terms or not at all. You either have to stop seeing him, or accept things the way they are, because thats the way he is. I can see a little of me in him, I dont need text communication between visits, and I prefer talking on the phone. I think you get the feeling he isnt really into you, and if thats the case, cut your losses. This sounds like the situation where a guy has a wife and kids and you dont find out until 8 months later after youre already attached.

[2sunny]

how was dinner with him?

[Kamille]

 

Guys.. what should I do? SHould I accept this "slow dating" terms? Does it sound like there is light at the end of the tunnel.. or is it just a waste of time when he asked me lets be exclusive and get to know each other ..

 

SDJS, the question is, what do you want to do? Do you want to date him and get to know him more?

 

I don't understand the motivation behind being so 'future-minded' already (the wasting time comment). What time are you wasting by getting to know someone? You'll learn about yourself and what you want in relationships. And hopefully you'll enjoy the time you spend with him.

 

I often thing that we expect too much too soon these days, and I'm all in favor of 'slow dating'. That's what I've been doing. It allows me to keep my own life and to truly evaluate if I'm compatible with someone.

[Waitress]

I often thing that we expect too much too soon these days, and I'm all in favor of 'slow dating'. That's what I've been doing. It allows me to keep my own life and to truly evaluate if I'm compatible with someone.

 

Kamille, I couldn't agree with you more! I do not understand all this instant relationship stuff.

 

In my opinion, from what I see, it's a lot of people looking for quick fixes (no offense OP). Everything is instant these days. For grizzly sake, slow down and really take some time to get to know someone first. Stop jumping into sex quickly (false sense of intimacy), stop defining things right away. Just STOP - and take some time to get to know someone while enjoying your own life, too.

 

End of rant.

[Kamille]

 

End of rant.

 

High-five Waitress! I've been known to rant on this topic myself. I think the 'he's not that into you' trend that's going on is actually doing a huge disservice to women. While the message was : 'don't make excuses for guys, pay attention to how they treat you now and evaluate if that works for you now', I feel that it's been twisted into a 'knight-in-shining-armor' morale. Basically, some guy will see you on the street, immediately decide you're the only one for him, will relentlessly pursue you and all your relationship problems will be fixed.

 

Not only that, I see posters here who seem to link their self-esteem to whether or not a guy is into them. (Not you SDJS, you seem to be balanced when it comes to evaluating what you like and don't like). The reasoning no longer is: is this guy treating me how I want to be treated and more along the lines of 'what is wrong with me that this guy isn't treating me the way I want to be treated?'.

 

In my experience, relationships take time and learning to trust someone takes time. Learning to communicate your needs and your desires also takes time and figuring out if you can truly build a life with someone - well... of course that takes time. If my bf proposed today, I would say no. I am far from thinking we're ready for such a big step. And yet, we're very happy together.

 

So what we're left with is enjoying getting to know someone and learning to grow with someone. Also, realizing that no one is out to trap us in relationships we don't want. (I often wonder if that isn't women tripping themselves up because they want to get married more than they want a healthy relationship). Relationships take work, and the more time you spend working on ensuring good communication at the beginning, the easier they are to work on later.

Edited December 12, 2009 by Kamille

[Waitress]

High-five Waitress! I've been known to rant on this topic myself. I think the 'he's not that into you' trend that's going on is actually doing a huge disservice to women. While the message was : 'don't make excuses for guys, pay attention to how they treat you now and evaluate if that works for you now', I feel that it's been twisted into a 'knight-in-shining-armor' morale. Basically, some guy will see you on the street, immediately decide you're the only one for him, will relentlessly pursue you and all your relationship problems will be fixed.

 

Not only that, I see posters here who seem to link their self-esteem to whether or not a guy is into them. (Not you SDJS, you seem to be balanced when it comes to evaluating what you like and don't like). The reasoning no longer is: is this guy treating me how I want to be treated and more along the lines of 'what is wrong with me that this guy isn't treating me the way I want to be treated?'.

 

In my experience, relationships take time and learning to trust someone takes time. Learning to communicate your needs and your desires also takes time and figuring out if you can truly build a life with someone - well... of course that takes time. If my bf proposed today, I would say no. I am far from thinking we're ready for such a big step. And yet, we're very happy together.

 

So what we're left with is enjoying getting to know someone and learning to grow with someone. Also, realizing that no one is out to trap us in relationships we don't want. (I often wonder if that isn't women tripping themselves up because they want to get married more than they want a healthy relationship). Relationships take work, and the more time you spend working on ensuring good communication at the beginning, the easier they are to work on later.

 

Kamille,

 

I agree with every word you said but I also have to wonder what the OP's potential boyfriend has done to seduce her. It sounds like he's basically saying, hey, give me a shot and I'll fit you in when I have the time.

 

He shouldn't be allowed the continued presence of her company and her time unless he makes time for her.

 

So, it kind of goes both ways, I think. She shouldn't be in such a hurry, but she also shouldn't have let him get this far. Doesn't sound like he's a "worthy suitor" ya know.

[Kamille]

Kamille,

 

I agree with every word you said but I also have to wonder what the OP's potential boyfriend has done to seduce her. It sounds like he's basically saying, hey, give me a shot and I'll fit you in when I have the time.

 

He shouldn't be allowed the continued presence of her company and her time unless he makes time for her.

 

So, it kind of goes both ways, I think. She shouldn't be in such a hurry, but she also shouldn't have let him get this far. Doesn't sound like he's a "worthy suitor" ya know.

 

Agreed.

 

That's precisely why I find 'rushing' into things trips women up. We can be so busy trying to get a guy to commit to us that we forget to ask ourselves if he's really the right guy for us.

 

I also think, and it's the very title of her thread, that they might be at a point where they need to see if they can communicate about issues that come up, and find healthy compromises that work for each of them. I think part of the problem of rushing is that it lends people to go into all-or-nothing thinking: is he or isn't he leading me on? (instead of is this something I can live with or that we can compromise on?) In doing that,we sometimes forget to first simply try and communicate our needs and see if we can find a solution with the person.

 

She has to remain through to her needs and desires throughout. Perhaps she wants someone who is more present in everyday kind of ways, rather than grand gestures (such as asking to be exclusive when she tells him she would like him to follow up on his word).

 

Only SDJS can decide and truly know what's healthy for her.

[Waitress]

Agreed.

 

That's precisely why I find 'rushing' into things trips women up. We can be so busy trying to get a guy to commit to us that we forget to ask ourselves if he's really the right guy for us.

 

I also think, and it's the very title of her thread, that they might be at a point where they need to see if they can communicate about issues that come up, and find healthy compromises that work for each of them. I think part of the problem of rushing is that it lends people to go into all-or-nothing thinking: is he or isn't he leading me on? (instead of is this something I can live with or that we can compromise on?) In doing that,we sometimes forget to first simply try and communicate our needs and see if we can find a solution with the person.

 

She has to remain through to her needs and desires throughout. Perhaps she wants someone who is more present in everyday kind of ways, rather than grand gestures (such as asking to be exclusive when she tells him she would like him to follow up on his word).

 

Only SDJS can decide and truly know what's healthy for her.

 

Well said. I think a problem nowadays is that people don't have their heads on straight for just the reasons you've mentioned.

 

They rush in and try to secure their spot without really knowing the other person. It's like putting the horse before the cart. Can you really expect a true, heartfelt commitment after just a few weeks? Yet it all always seems to be leading up to BEING TOGETHER IN A RELATIONSHIP when you don't really know the person.

 

I'm not sure the OP could really articulate why it is she wants this guy. And I also bet that the things she would include in her dream list for a partner are not things she readily has with him.

 

I'm not trying to criticize her. I think we have all done this. It's society's conditioning nowadays. It sucks!

[SDSJ]

Im here Im here!

Wow lots of posting going on when I was away! Thanks so much for your thoughts and for following through..

 

This is important..

 

So to reply to your questions, Im the biggest person in favour of "slowly progressing into a relationship" nothing healthier than taking the time to gettign to know the other person , his values, beliefs, way of living and figuring out whether he is really a person that will compliment you as a partner.

The reason why I got so anxious the past weeks, is because I met a guy that I really liked based on first impressions , only and I wanted to go through this progession with him BUT clearly I "took a wrong turn " in the beginning by getting physical and conveyed the wrong message to him. Obviosly I didnt stand to my own values and demonstrated this to my actions, I think we have to communicate our beliefs and wants through our actions... and even though I tried to give it time I wanted to turn the dynamics of this relationship around after he changed when he got physcial.

I want to emphasize that I did give him time and have in mind that in the beginning you can't jump from " Hi nice to meet you" to " be my girlfriend" hence the reason many rushed relationships fail.

But during the course of getting to know each other , there are certain forms of basic respect and " showing of genuine interest" that take place that let us know whether or not we are gettign to know someone with whom we can communicate with, enjoy spending time with and appreciate their general lifestyle.. that let us know YES I want to be with this person and that lets you know yes or no he feels teh same.

IM MY CASE I'm not looking for a casual relationship and hence the reason I got to aggravated by the way things were turning and I want to find a lover that will be my friend first.. in terms of that.. building something slowly and knowing what we both want.

In this case , even though he asked me to go slowly and I would more than happily acceptef those terms, he wasnt demonstrating any interest in terms of flaking , not calling me when he said hwe would , not replying to my text messages etc.

You can't tell someone you are important to me and behave differently....

Going slowly in my opinion HAS TO REFLECT ADVANCEMENT IN THE RELATIONSHIP but interest and genuinity shouldnt be compromised.

To reply to a post previosly my decision on this guy is not "future based" is present based... it is today that I haven heard from him in 2 days, it is two days that he hasnt replied to my texts and it is today that Im consistantly being ignored because he is always too busy to even reply to my text.

I'm not the type of girl that thinks marriage inmediatly but rather want to know that TODAY you make me feel good, even though we are not bf /gf hey If we are dating, common sense tells me a minimun of a "how are you per day" is what I expect.. to at least be considered slowly preogressing.

 

 

NOW THE ENDING TO THIS STORY AND WHEN WE WENT TO DINNER

 

He picked me up after school and we went to eat and then watch a movie , where we cuddled and in general had a good time, after which he dropped me home and before dropping me off he let me know that he was going to NY for 2 weeks and he didnt have time for me during Christmas and so I asked what are you doing thsi weekend?

He said " Thurs, fri, sat and sun I am extremely busy preparing a conference for my frd" ...ok...

 

So yesterday I said to myself lets see if he is really that busy as I was two steps from his place and I forgot my sweater in his car...

So I texted him and said I know you are busy with your frds conference but I need to stop to pick up my sweater adn mabe we can chill for a few minutes...

He said... "Im very sick and busy and Im contagious, having a flu, not doing much"

So I said ok well maybe I will just stop by for a few minutes since you are sick and pcik up my sweater say hi I will be there after work at 10...

He THEN SAID oh come at 9 because Im goign to a private party....

 

OK WHAT? Im confused, thought you were busy , sick, adn now you are goign to a preivate party basically telling me I can only stop for a miniute and I must leave right away..

So I told him...

You can keep my sweater and give it to your next date, Im out...!

 

He then called me three times and I didnt pick up... he then texted me saying " Well you didnt let me explain, but if you made up your mind, I cant change it "

 

Thats it... end to the story.. havent heard from him and I doubt I will..

 

But im firmly convinced I did the right thing and that bad feeling I had in my chest is gone today... I feel back to my normal self.....

 

Dont think I will hear from him again..

[Waitress]

Wow, you sound like one smart cookie!

 

Isn't it amazing how when we step back from a situation we suddenly understand the big picture and remember who we are and what we deserve/want.

 

Not saying you were an idiot but, well, we all get confused and turned around from time to time. And truth be told this guy was probably manipulating you all along.

 

I find when a guy is not being on the up and up I get terribly confused. It's because we're trying to make sense of what they're doing and it just doesn't jive with our own values and attitudes.

 

BTW, notice at the end how he tried to turn it around and make himself the victim and you the bad guy????

 

I'd be like you and not even care about the sweater. Maybe you can ask a friend to stop by and get it for you though??

[2sunny]

even if you hear from him, don't let him waste you time.

 

he obviously has a lot of things going on and doesn't intend for you to know exactly what it all entails. he basically lied. he lies in sneaky ways... this is always worse - for me.

 

i think you did the right thing. it was obvious he wasn't ever making you his priority.

[blueberries]

wow that's awesome! i think you did the right thing. very brave and gutsy. i wish i had that in me when i needed it in the past.

 

he sounded like he was seeing other people on the side. good riddance. don't bother with this anymore

[SDSJ]

I know I have even surprised myself..Don't get me wrong it is hard because I "liked" the guy and deep down you always wish that person will turn to care one day..I just had to tie my heart and let him go, he wasn't being crystal clear...

I had come to think too that he might have been seeing someone else, he is the type of guy that can pick up any girl he wants..he knows how to seduce his prey kinda thing..

I just wish I woulda recognized this from the beginning and not be part of his "collection of girls"...

[Sharon1961]

I know I have even surprised myself..Don't get me wrong it is hard because I "liked" the guy and deep down you always wish that person will turn to care one day..I just had to tie my heart and let him go, he wasn't being crystal clear...

I had come to think too that he might have been seeing someone else, he is the type of guy that can pick up any girl he wants..he knows how to seduce his prey kinda thing..

I just wish I woulda recognized this from the beginning and not be part of his "collection of girls"...

 

The best revenge you can get is to move on and recognize that he's the loser, not you. Know that you will learn from this, move forward and be open to a healthy and happy relationship. He is a jerk and beneath you. Shame on him for tricking you, but NOT shame on you AT ALL.

[SDSJ]

He called me today..and I missed the call.. wouldnt had picked up anywyas..