MadMission Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Katerina, I think that WS have a window of opportunity in which to make things 'right.' And, when they squander away that time, not only doing NOTHING of substance to help their BS heal or to repair the M relationship, but also further injuring their BS...through additional lies, rejection, and a lack of CARE, etc, for their BS....well, the window closes. Seals shut. And then it is simply too late. They can turn a corner...have an epiphany...change in every way we ever wanted, but TOO MUCH damage has been done. And, yeah, we could stay M and make the best of it, but then we feel like we are settling...and it's just not good enough. And, the truth is, it's NOT good enough...and NOT right....to have a spouse who f'd someone else or held someone else dear to their hearts replacing us, etc, etc. The reality is that NONE of it was ok...never was...never will be. I think many BS are surprised to discover that, after having tried desperately to R with their WS, that the A is a deal-breaker afterall....even 2 - 3 - 6 yrs later. Some hurts are just TOO DEEP. Some damage is just too great. Some things are just too much to overcome. And, that is OK. Our spouses changed EVERYTHING by having an A. And, we do not have to 'accept' it. And, it is OK to say 'this is not good enough...and NOT what I want in a spouse or marriage.' It's OK.
Snowflower Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Snowflower, My post was generated from my own experiences and thoughts regarding my WH and his mis-management of the aftermath of d-day...all insight gained in hindsight, of course. I felt genuine forgiveness toward my WH immediately after d-day. It was definitely premature as the days, weeks, and months passed with more manipulation and self-centered behaviors by my WH. I only more recently realized that the forgiveness I had once felt...sort of disipated due to ongoing additional hurts during that 1st year and thereafter. Right now....I feel nothing...not forgiveness and not unforgiveness. And, actually, I am in a very good place. No R, but I am good anyway. Your story is like a breath of fresh air....a 'success' story :-) I wish you continued happines. Thank you for your kind words, madmission. I had read some of your story on another thread and I'm very sorry for the pain that you have endured. It appears your H never tried to truly make it right even though you both attempted to reconcile. I guess you can at least say that you did your best to recover your marriage and in that time at least provided a stable home for your children. You can be proud of that. I hope that eventually you find the peace and happiness that you deserve. Katerina, I think that WS have a window of opportunity in which to make things 'right.' And, when they squander away that time, not only doing NOTHING of substance to help their BS heal or to repair the M relationship, but also further injuring their BS...through additional lies, rejection, and a lack of CARE, etc, for their BS....well, the window closes. Seals shut. And then it is simply too late. They can turn a corner...have an epiphany...change in every way we ever wanted, but TOO MUCH damage has been done. And, yeah, we could stay M and make the best of it, but then we feel like we are settling...and it's just not good enough. And, the truth is, it's NOT good enough...and NOT right....to have a spouse who f'd someone else or held someone else dear to their hearts replacing us, etc, etc. The reality is that NONE of it was ok...never was...never will be. I think many BS are surprised to discover that, after having tried desperately to R with their WS, that the A is a deal-breaker afterall....even 2 - 3 - 6 yrs later. Some hurts are just TOO DEEP. Some damage is just too great. Some things are just too much to overcome. And, that is OK. Our spouses changed EVERYTHING by having an A. And, we do not have to 'accept' it. And, it is OK to say 'this is not good enough...and NOT what I want in a spouse or marriage.' It's OK. Nice post, MM. This strikes deep right now. I've been having second thoughts whether my H and I can ever truly recover. I know, I know, I've posted many times how successful my H and I are recovering and in a lot of ways we are. But the hurt runs so deep. The funny thing is, is that it is not about trust as so many people assume will be the main problem after an affair. I resolved the trust issue quite some time ago. My problem is letting it go and truly forgiving my H for what he has done. We are right at a year now since d-day and now neither my H nor I feel that we will ever likely be able to get rid of this baggage in our relationship. I think the one year mark is amplifying what happened. It's sad. I'm very uncertain about the future of my marriage at this point. Not because of anything my H is doing now and not because of trust but because of my own confusion.
MadMission Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 My problem is letting it go and truly forgiving my H for what he has done. We are right at a year now since d-day and now neither my H nor I feel that we will ever likely be able to get rid of this baggage in our relationship. I think the one year mark is amplifying what happened. It's sad. I'm very uncertain about the future of my marriage at this point. Not because of anything my H is doing now and not because of trust but because of my own confusion. Snowflower, I think what you have going for you is momentum. It sounds like, at some point, your H did turn a corner and begin to do things 'right,' and that, together, you have made tremendous gains in healing and marital repair. I am sure it felt encouraging and inspiring to make such progress...so quickly. And, you likely had hopes of fully restoring your M in every way, to the point where his infidelity became reduced to a tiny blip on the screen of your marital history...to a point where it held no real meaning or significance to either one of you. You have squeezed most of the juice out of the lemon...and really THAT was the 'easy' part...relatively speaking. NOW...you are trying to squeeze that last little drop out...and you are struggling...and, it is not comming easily...it just won't come... It may be that you both need to give it more time. Keep doing everything right that you are doing. The farther into the past it falls...the less significant it becomes, until, maybe one day, you won't give it any thought at all. Or, it could be that infidelity is a deal-breaker afterall. Either way...is OK. It comes down to what you can tolerate...what you can live with day to day as you try to press forward. Fully incorporating infidelity into your marital history is HARD. It's going to take more than a year...maybe 2...maybe 3+ years. You have come so far, but that last little bit is really tough. I don't want to scare you, but in my personal experience, it wasn't until that 2nd year after d-day that I began to get real clarity about everything...my H, M, and his LTA. I began to realize new things about him and his betrayal...negative stuff. I began to REALLY understand what happened in my M. And, I began to really see my H with such clarity. The rose-colored glasses finally came off. And, it wasn't because he was sharing any new information. It was just that I was able to SEE more clearly. I was able to look at things more objectively, like an outsider looking in at my situation. The raw truth and reality of my situation was hard to take. But, I had to embrace it...cause it was the reality of my H and M. I am optimistic for you because you and your H have made such progress. But, brace yourself...as the ride is not over yet. Try to always turn TOWARD one another when things get hard emotionally. Maybe you can weather it...ride it out. And, if you cannot. That is OK, too. PS. Thank you for your comments. I have much peace and happiness. I am good really. But, I got to this good place by letting go of my H and M...by detaching.
Snowflower Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Snowflower, I think what you have going for you is momentum. It sounds like, at some point, your H did turn a corner and begin to do things 'right,' and that, together, you have made tremendous gains in healing and marital repair. I am sure it felt encouraging and inspiring to make such progress...so quickly. And, you likely had hopes of fully restoring your M in every way, to the point where his infidelity became reduced to a tiny blip on the screen of your marital history...to a point where it held no real meaning or significance to either one of you. You have squeezed most of the juice out of the lemon...and really THAT was the 'easy' part...relatively speaking. NOW...you are trying to squeeze that last little drop out...and you are struggling...and, it is not comming easily...it just won't come... It may be that you both need to give it more time. Keep doing everything right that you are doing. The farther into the past it falls...the less significant it becomes, until, maybe one day, you won't give it any thought at all. Or, it could be that infidelity is a deal-breaker afterall. Either way...is OK. It comes down to what you can tolerate...what you can live with day to day as you try to press forward. Fully incorporating infidelity into your marital history is HARD. It's going to take more than a year...maybe 2...maybe 3+ years. You have come so far, but that last little bit is really tough. I don't want to scare you, but in my personal experience, it wasn't until that 2nd year after d-day that I began to get real clarity about everything...my H, M, and his LTA. I began to realize new things about him and his betrayal...negative stuff. I began to REALLY understand what happened in my M. And, I began to really see my H with such clarity. The rose-colored glasses finally came off. And, it wasn't because he was sharing any new information. It was just that I was able to SEE more clearly. I was able to look at things more objectively, like an outsider looking in at my situation. The raw truth and reality of my situation was hard to take. But, I had to embrace it...cause it was the reality of my H and M. I am optimistic for you because you and your H have made such progress. But, brace yourself...as the ride is not over yet. Try to always turn TOWARD one another when things get hard emotionally. Maybe you can weather it...ride it out. And, if you cannot. That is OK, too. PS. Thank you for your comments. I have much peace and happiness. I am good really. But, I got to this good place by letting go of my H and M...by detaching. MM, thank you SO MUCH for your words of wisdom. I tried to send you a PM but it didn't work, perhaps you don't have enough messages. I'm not sure. My apologies to the OP for the thread-jacking. I can sense from the tone of your post that you have reached a state of acceptance for what has happened to your marriage. I envy you that. I'm not there yet. But yes, detaching is the best thing that you can do for your sake. I wish you every happiness in the future, whether your marriage survives or not. I think you're exactly right in that my H and I came so far so fast in recovering our marriage. Yes, we did/do have momentum. Like I have said before, my H did everything right. He confessed his A to me, came clean, stopped contact with the OW very quickly, put 110% into our relationship, etc. It's just that now we have reached an impasse. We are both 'scared' that the other one will decide to bail. It has now impeded our recovery efforts. I have to remember that what you say is true...that we need to turn to each other during the times when things get hard emotionally. Right now I feel like I/we have taken a very giant step backward. I tend to shut him out, partly as a safety measure on my part from the aftermath his A, and part of it is just me. It was part of why he did what he did...I shut him out emotionally. I'm not taking blame, it is what it is. I also understand the objective/outsider looking in view you have of your marriage. I have achieved some of that too over the past year. My H and I really did make good progress and I understand so much of what was wrong before. Our marriage was in terrible shape even though on the surface it appeared to be fine. Thank you again for your words of encouragement, MM. They mean a lot. If I can ever help you, please let me know. This path of trying to recover a marriage after infidelity is a tough bittersweet one and only those who have tried to walk the path can understand the pain and anguish.
soserious1 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 gosh yes- I've forgiven! I handed him a packet of phone records, emails and cc bills on V-day about a year ago...his to do with as he wished. And as I handed it to him, I said the words I forgive you. That was tough, because I am a person who likes to nurture my hurts and build them up so I can appear to be a victim. But that was sick of me. But, although I forgave, I have NOT forgotten, and never will. And both of us think that I never should. It keeps us on the right track. I'm almost 1 yr post divorce.. The forgiveness part? I'm not there yet but I'm fairly close I could never take him back though, no matter what he said he or did because I would never be able to forget what happened. His betrayals of yesterday would forever echo into all my todays and tomorrows . I cannot live that way so I moved on.
eeyore1981 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I haven't forgiven. I was a lot closer to forgiveness when this first came out than I am now, or will probably ever be again. What was said about previous posters, how the cheater acts in the aftermath, can escalate the damage and the hurt until you get to the point where it is probably too late, no matter what happens. I think that is where I am right now. Our 25th wedding anniversary, and 26th year of being together, is in 2 weeks. Whoopee for me.
Spark1111 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I knew instinctively that my process would be three-fold: First, I would have to forgive the betrayal of the affair. Secondly, I would have to forgive the lies and deception. That's harder for me. Why not separate if you develop feelings for someone else? How did you look me in the eyes and lie to me for 18 months???? Thirdly, and most important, for me: Will I ever RESPECT you again? This may be the hardest part, because even if I come to forgive you, I cannot be married to someone I do not respect. And that's why so many marriages can seemingly reconcile well...but then fall apart a few years later, IMHO.
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