stunnedrabbit Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I feel a bit pathetic posting this as I've only been seeing this girl for 2 months. But in those two months I've had an amazing time, grown to like her a lot and I think fallen in love. Things seemed to be going well. We live an hour apart but would see each other regularly at weekends. She seemed keen, and phoned and texted often. She would frequently tell me that she's had a good weekend and that she was looking forward to seeing me. She did though never say that she'd missed me. We have loads in common and had met members of each others family which had gone well. We've always had amazing dates - this Friday something didn't feel right but we both claimed to be stressed so I just thought it was that. We still though had a good night together. In the morning I asked about her feeling stressed and I say, I hope 'us' doesn't make you feel stressed. And then she said something about having doubts about us. Anyway, the matter gets dropped for most of the day. Eventually I get up the courage to ask her about it again and she says that she has doubts because she thinks that she should feel stronger for me than she does at this stage in our relationship. I don't know what to say, except that I thought you were happy, that we were getting on. She says we are, that she enjoys spending time with me, looks forward to seeing me, is still attracted to me but that over the past few weeks she had had doubts that she can't shake off and that she wanted to tell me because she didn't want it to get to 6 months and her to be feeling the same but we're deeper involved. She didn't seem to assume that this meant we were splitting up. I asked her when she was planning on telling me this, given on both occas it had come up from me asking her things. She said that she knew she had to say something this weekend and that was why she's been weird and grumpy the past 24hrs. I'm totally gutted, it feels totally out the blue. Eventually we spent hours talking about things, we opened up to each other more. I know she's always had very unstable relationships, has always been the one to be dumped, always been the one looking after someone. I'm relatively together and normal, so not like her exes. She's also feeling stressed she admits. She's also - and I didn't know this before - on prozac and has been for years and just in the past 3 wks been trying to cut it down. She said a few times she wasn't sure if she was jumping ship too soon. So there are all these reasons why she might be confused but I don't know whether I'm just kidding myself. I'm confused - has anybody been in the situation she's in? I haven't - I've never got on with someone and been attracted to them but not been sure of how I feel. My mum can't believe it - as having seen us together she thought we were really well matched. My friends think she sounds confused. We had left it that she was going to try and get her head sorted over the next few wks and I was going to concentrate on me and we'd see each other after that and see where we're at. She's now said she'll phone me at the weekend. I have so many questions, there is so much I don't get and I think she has tried to be honest with me and not lied to me. I am I fool even to think we stand a chance? If she decides that she wants to give it a go, what conditions do I need to attach or what can I do to protect myself from being further hurt and screwed over? I can't decide whether to walk away or fight for what I think is a really good relationship. Has anybody had anything similar happen to them?
NopeNah Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Me personally, would cut bait and run. If she's doing this after only 2months, she doesn't sound that into you. Also keep in mind if she's feeling this way(confused) she's more than likely sending out the "I'm available" vibe to other guys. IMO..this will not end well.
Author stunnedrabbit Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 Harsh but prob true though you're wrong on a couple of points - she won't be sending out signals to any guys. She might to some girls but I think she is genuinely too confused at the moment to be thinking of trying to bag someone new.
Lost Fish Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 (edited) Praying4Daylight is right. People are social animals, we look for companionship. Also in my own experience, the girl that said "I'm confused" to me was hanging out more and more with another dude while I was trying to be compassionate and give her space. They're married now...lol. But I digress... If you want to try to save this thing - go NC right now. Don't let her hold this power over you. When she comes back to you show her that you are fine without her (even if you aren't). It may seem harsh to go NC but if you come off as overly-caring and willing to bend over backwards for this girl she will be turned off...why? I don't know - it's some inherent psychological thing in women. Be strong. Plus it's only been 2 months, and those feelings of supposed love you are experiencing are lust. As the other post - I know this sounds harsh, but it's true. I'm not saying give up on her - I'm just saying to look at your priorities right now. Do things that build up your own confidence. Do things for you. What will be will be. Edited November 24, 2009 by Lost Fish
ItsAllGoodAgain Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Just to add to the other responses. When/If she does call back after a bit of NC, try not to talk about the relationship. Keep the conversation short. Don't ask how she's been and what she's been up to. Make it seem as if you are busy and have to go. This will make her wonder and keep her intrigued. Don't chase her!! If this is going to work, she has to be the one to decide.
Author stunnedrabbit Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 Thanks for these comments they are really helpful, really very helpful. Re the NC thing - thats what I'm doing. She phoned the day after this all happened. I answered but said I was going out to a friend's and that I didn't see the point in her phoning if it was just to see if I was alright as that didn't seem right given she was the one that had caused this. Thats when we agreed about speaking this weekend, though I said I don't see the point in seeing her the weekend after unless she's sure about us. I didn't manage to hide that I was upset but I made it clear that she couldn't have it all her way. I've not made contact since. Today I have been thinking very seriously about messaging her to say that we shouldn't drag it out and that I think it's over, that I don't think she should kid herself that she can have feelings for me that she doesn't. I think because in my heart I feel it is over. I also don't know whether I can hang on feeling like this, waiting 1, 2 weeks for her to make up her mind. (I am though keeping busy with work and friends so I'm trying not to wallow too much.) I thought I'd tell her that if she changes her mind and decides to fight for us, she knows where I am but that I'm not going to hang around waiting. I don't know whether this is too harsh and pre-emptive or whether its the right thing, as it slightly empowers me. What do people think? Anyway, thank you if you have the time to answer this. I'm very aware that people are way worse off than me as its been just a short time and I will get over it but it still hurts and I'm grateful for the advice and support.
trueblue72ny Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 kudos. i like the part about not seeing the point unless she's sure. and no contact since. shows her you have integrity. And if she decides not to come around again, you are saving yourself major grief. you get to keep your dignity. that is good
Author stunnedrabbit Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 Thank-you trueblue. I think I'm just worried about feeling I'm being dumped twice if I speak to her this weekend. I can't help but feel if this was going to work she would have realised her mistake straight away and not managed to abide by my request for no contact. So I don't know whether to just text her that I think its over or whether my real motive is just because I want a response now when I should be giving her the time she asked for.
Author stunnedrabbit Posted November 28, 2009 Author Posted November 28, 2009 What I thought would happen has happened and she just phoned. I intended not to answer straight away but I didn't think she'd ring this early on and just answered without giving it much thought. It felt really strange and distant - it feels like whatever we have has gone. Her feelings haven't changed. She's still unsure. She thinks either she doesn't know me well enough and hence can't feel that close to me or that she's not ready for a relationship at the mo. She doesn't seem to be able to say whether its over yet but says she can't meet with a guarantee that she'll be willing to give it a go. But she wants to meet. She sounded annoyed when I wasn't sure about meeting and I just wanted to end it on the phone if it wasn't going anywhere. I know she is mucking me about big style but it was horrible speaking on the phone and part of me thinks we do need to meet so at least it can feel like we're finishing with each other as real people. I need the strength from somewhere to say its over as I know it is but its difficult when its not me that wants to finish it.
HLP234 Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Well for me It's gotten worse..since she kept talkin to me first all the time I figured I would say something back. Was asking what she wanted to do for her birthday. She accused me of planning her day out and asked me why im acting like we are back together. She didn't say things were back to the way they were. I was shocked so I stopped talkin and left. I went out with a few friends, had a drink or two and came back, she IM's me, leaves me comments, I tell her what I was doing and she gets mad at me for not telliing her I went out with my guy friends?? Why?? She said she still cares about me. So then I tell her I don't understand this break thing and since we are not technically together anymore, it feels like Im being strung along. She blows up on me, freaks out that I accuse her of such a thing! She was like "IF you think I'm stringing you along then screw this I don't want to see you and I will cut you out completely." And I said i feel like you just want to be rid of me and I asked if thats what she wanted, she said no. I told her I didn't mean to accuse her of anything I just was confused about why we needed a break and what exactly the boundaries were. Its 5 am and I can't sleep, I have no one to talk to about this, she doesn't wanna talk about it, she just wants time to herself..said that I should stop over reacting and just let it be and if its meant to be then it will happen. Now that I know/she says Im not being strung along then what am I suppose to do? Should I just tell her its over? Her birthday is tomm and I'm suppose to see her then. I can tell she doesn't want to just say screw it and end it for good, she seems like she wants to work it out later, but not think about it now..while at the same time she is talkin to her guy best friend and others like all day. I was like well on breaks people are suppose to not talk and she was like yeh I know that but I wanted to see how you are doing and I miss you. Is there any more advice?
Author stunnedrabbit Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Just to update the situation. We met and agreed to give it a go. It was very up and down. My feelings had changed too. I thought I might be the one to finish it in fact but I wanted to give it time. But she's just finished it - over the phone - nice! To be fair I knew it was a bad idea giving it a go and I would have told myself to stay well clear. I feel a total idiot and am hurt all over again. I don't know why we do these things to ourselves. I wish we could think sensibly when it comes to relationships. Anyway I know its totally over. I'm not looking for advice. Maybe more to give it. If your gut tells you its over, it is. Sometimes your head should rule your heart.
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