Married for 16 yrs but cheated out of one!

[beaelena]

Married for 16 yrs but cheated out of one year! Yes..I found out by a court paternity summons...that my husband not only had an affair 12 months ago but that it also resulted in having a child because of it.

 

After calmly speaking to my husband about what was going on.. he tells me that he held on to this because he new the moment I found out I'd leave him. The whore called him at 3 months pregnant knowing that she could no longer have an abortion.. which he pleaded her to have. But she "wanted" another kid. Hubby says it was a one time affair and regreted it immediately. He knew that eventually I'd find out and prolonged things w/the whore so that i didnt find out.

 

When the baby was born she asked him to come see him. That he looked just like him. and like an idiot he goes to see the baby. I was pissed to find out that he regreted having the initial affair but on top of that he had seen her 5 months ago..too.

 

His pleaded with me that he whats nothing to do with her.. and i believe him. We've been together so long that we know nothing but each other.

He tells me that she pretty much just threw herself on him. but does take a lot of blame for what happened and what this whore is putting our family through.

 

Shes been stalking me on facebook.. not sure what photos she's taken..what all info she has that is private. Which makes me sick to my stomach.

 

The summons was sent to me as proof that their is a child. I know this for a fact. She thinks im going to leave "my rock" because of a human mistake he made that the majority of humanity makes. The sad thing is that their is a child from this that she chose to bring into this world w/out the consent of the father!!!!! We have 4 kids..and im about to talk to a lawyer about my options. Im no leaving him not i want to leave him. But this bitch is not going to see a dime...unless she fights for it.

 

Is there a law..the would help me w/this situation. I know that it took two people to tango..but that the father had no say so in keeping the baby is just unbelievable. She tricked him!!!

 

-CG.

[hopesndreams]

The baby exists. A precious life and so very wanted by his mum. Hopefully, she can get her life together, get your cheating H out of her system, find a decent man and be a happy little family. I wish her all the best.

[schewter]

Tough situation but if your husband is the father of her child then that child is just as deserving of his support as your children.

[Snowflower]

I agree, this is a tough situation.

 

I think you should be more angry at your H than the OW. This was a risk he took when he had sex with somebody else.

[PhoenixRise]

It seems that you are very hurt and angry about this situation and that is understandable.

 

What is not understandable is the fact that you seem to be putting all the blame on the OW....you say she tricked him and that you will not leave your rock over a human mistake....but you call her names..

 

If your H is over the age of 12 he was not tricked into having sex with another woman. He made a choice to cheat and he made the choice to have unprotected sex risking diseases and unplanned pregnancy.

 

The OW is not under any obligation to have an abortion to make your husband's life or your life easier.

 

AND yes if the child is your H's child it deserves and will legally get monetary support from the father. You can make it ugly if you want to...but the courts WILL order support. AND if your H is even a fraction of a man worth having he would insist on supporting the child he created instead of running away from his responsibility.

 

The fact that your Husband chose to dishonor his marital vows does not make this innocent child less worthy or less deserving to exist. In fact if your husband had displayed any character at all none of this would be an issue (and I say this as a former betrayed spouse).

[beaelena]

Yes, you are all right. I do put a lot of blame on the OW.. and his is just as responsible. if not more.

 

His made threats of having nothing to do w/the child so that he can keep myself and his first kids. Believe you me, I believe his being verys selfish.

 

I DO KNOW THAT THEIR IS AN INNOCENT LIFE brought into this world. And support we will give. But what about me?... we didn't ask to be put in this situation..we had plans to move our kids out in 8 yrs. And now theirs is a new life.. Forgive me for being selfish aswell.. But again, not one person asked me to be placed in this place. and it's only 1 week fresh. My mind wonders off..sometimes and am confused on how to word what im feeling half of the time. We've been together for so long and know nothing else. It's not fair!!

 

It's been a week sense the summons and you've opened up my eyes over putting to much blame on her.

 

ARRGGHHH!!

[2sunny]

since you never asked a question i guess you don't need advice.

 

some things i've noticed though - and find hard to ignore are:

 

he let you find out by way of a court order? i'd divorce him over just that alone!

 

HE had sex with her! UNPROTECTED sex! so, what did you guys expect? i'm sure it was more than once since he didn't want to tell you about any of this. rarely is it a one shot deal - it usually involves more than one event. he covers up so much how would you ever really tell? have you asked?

 

HE kept her pregnancy a secret! my god girl, YOU were married! this affects your life too - he's scum for not being honest. and the cover up for a LONG time - didn't YOU feel deceived?

 

where are the acknowledgements that he played a part in this facade? a facade called your marriage!

 

if you have no honesty - what can you tell me you do have?

 

THIS isn't the OW total fault, take a look at the man you married? ae you sue he's the man you think he is?

 

the denial is so deep, you can't tell where the reality might be...

Edited November 23, 2009 by 2sunny

[PhoenixRise]

Yes, you are all right. I do put a lot of blame on the OW.. and his is just as responsible. if not more.

 

His made threats of having nothing to do w/the child so that he can keep myself and his first kids. Believe you me, I believe his being verys selfish.

 

I DO KNOW THAT THEIR IS AN INNOCENT LIFE brought into this world. And support we will give. But what about me?... we didn't ask to be put in this situation..we had plans to move our kids out in 8 yrs. And now theirs is a new life.. Forgive me for being selfish aswell.. But again, not one person asked me to be placed in this place. and it's only 1 week fresh. My mind wonders off..sometimes and am confused on how to word what im feeling half of the time. We've been together for so long and know nothing else. It's not fair!!

 

It's been a week sense the summons and you've opened up my eyes over putting to much blame on her.

 

ARRGGHHH!!

 

 

 

You are absolutely right that it is not fair.

 

You are at a certain place in your life and there is a certain kind of life you expected to have....I don't think it is selfish for you to resent the fact that your life is going to change due to the actions of other people (your H and this OW). AND it has only been a week since the summons...I am sure you are all over the map right now.

 

I believe the OW has a share of the blame if she knew the man was married..but as you have acknowledged your H has a greater share of the blame.

 

Your whole world has been turned upside down. Give yourself some time to process this turn of events.

 

Have you and your H had any marital counseling since your discovered the affair?

[whichwayisup]

Fact is, he didn't use protection with her...Or did she tell him she was on the Pill? Either way, he didn't wear a condom (or did it break?)..

 

Yes, she shouldn't be stalking you on facebook. That's wrong. Block her and make your facebook account private so noone can find you, change all your settings.

 

He doesn't owe HER a cent of money, but he does and should pay child support. Like it or not, legally he has to.

 

Another thing, chances are, he did lead her on, even though she knew was married, with kids..Didn't stop her from helping herself and he may have allowed to her to believe there could be a future.

 

Sorry you're hurting..I hope this gets settled calmly for the sake of everyone's mental health, and especially your kids..

[Snowflower]

 

I am very tired of hear people saw that someone who decides to get involved with a married guy/girl has no obligation to their marraige. I suppose that in one way that's true, but in another way, simply by the fact that a decent human being would not knowingly put someone else through hell just so that they can snatch a few moments of happiness for themselves. That is so selfish! Both on the part of the spouse and the person they are having the affair with. There is a whole world of unattached people out there, most of whom are pretty decent and loving- why does someone choose to be a "home wrecker" ( either male or female) versus finding their happiness with someone who is not attached? I have never really understood that. It's one thing if a spouse lies and says they are single and the person doesn't know, but to go into the situation with their eyes wide open seems pretty low, at least to me.

 

 

I agree with this and I agree that the AP should take blame, but it's not the point of this thread, IMO.

 

This OP was very upset at the OW in her initial post which is perfectly understandable. It had only been a week since she found out and what a tough situation. My heart goes out to the OP because she certainly didn't sign up for this.

 

It was pointed out that her H had brought about this unfair situation through his actions and that the OP should not place the blame squarely on the OW's shoulders.

 

If the OP's H hadn't had sex outside his marriage, then the OP wouldn't be in this unfortunate position. Whether or not the OW is blameless isn't the point in this thread.

[NowhereToHide]

Married for 16 yrs but cheated out of one year! Yes..I found out by a court paternity summons...that my husband not only had an affair 12 months ago but that it also resulted in having a child because of it.

 

After calmly speaking to my husband about what was going on.. he tells me that he held on to this because he new the moment I found out I'd leave him. The whore called him at 3 months pregnant knowing that she could no longer have an abortion.. which he pleaded her to have. But she "wanted" another kid. Hubby says it was a one time affair and regreted it immediately. He knew that eventually I'd find out and prolonged things w/the whore so that i didnt find out.

 

When the baby was born she asked him to come see him. That he looked just like him. and like an idiot he goes to see the baby. I was pissed to find out that he regreted having the initial affair but on top of that he had seen her 5 months ago..too.

 

His pleaded with me that he whats nothing to do with her.. and i believe him. We've been together so long that we know nothing but each other.

He tells me that she pretty much just threw herself on him. but does take a lot of blame for what happened and what this whore is putting our family through.

 

Shes been stalking me on facebook.. not sure what photos she's taken..what all info she has that is private. Which makes me sick to my stomach.

 

The summons was sent to me as proof that their is a child. I know this for a fact. She thinks im going to leave "my rock" because of a human mistake he made that the majority of humanity makes. The sad thing is that their is a child from this that she chose to bring into this world w/out the consent of the father!!!!! We have 4 kids..and im about to talk to a lawyer about my options. Im no leaving him not i want to leave him. But this bitch is not going to see a dime...unless she fights for it.

 

Is there a law..the would help me w/this situation. I know that it took two people to tango..but that the father had no say so in keeping the baby is just unbelievable. She tricked him!!!

 

-CG.

 

The "whore" to which you repeatedly refer is the mother to your husband's child-- a child who is completely innocent of any of this bull**** it was born into. And guess what? Your husband is THE FATHER. That child is entitled to SUPPORT -- that includes financial AND emotional. He needs to do the right thing and stand up for his child. The "bitch" IS going to see a dime -- and until he or she is of legal age, it's your wandering husband that will be providing it.

 

No matter what your H is trying to tell you, I'm sure he wasn't "seduced" into having an affair. He is a coward, a cheat and liar. You have absolutely every right to protect you and your children from the situation that he has created. But first you need to put the blame for what happened squarely on the shoulders of "your rock" who made a "human mistake" (yet she's the whore -- unbelievable).

 

I suggest you take a deep breath and think long and hard about how you can get comfortable with the idea of him having this child. It's obvious that he/she isn't going anywhere. And the baby is HIS responsibility.

[eeyore1981]

I'm all cool with the whore being called a whore, as that is exactly what she is. As far as the H, he is 10 times worse than the whore, at least.

 

Beaelena, your feelings are very understandable at this time, as your world has been rocked and rocked badly. Let it out.

 

This baby is kind of in a similar situation as you, having no control over the dumba** actions of 2 dumba** people. Poor kid is also stuck with at least one of them for the next 18 years. Too bad the parents of this kid have no concept of how babies are made????

 

You have some tough choices to make. If this baby is indeed the child of your H, and you choose to stay, you will be stuck with having this cheater in your life, the woman he cheated with, and the baby they made. If I were you, I would take some time and not make hasty decisions. No way if a baby is involved can there be no contact between the cheater and his piece, and that is something you really need to consider.

 

My heart goes out to you.

[Virgo1982]

That child will despise infidelity more than you do. Your H sounds like he is not going to treat his child very well and that saddens me more than anything.

 

I am sorry you had to find out this way. I agree with the other posters on the notion of unprotected sex. Either you have to believe that he is willing to have unprotected sex with someone who means nothing to him, or he is still being dishonest. Either way, he has not been very good to you. You sound like a very strong woman and I hope you start to see things in a different way once your rage dissipates.

 

I know someone who went through this situation and they gave MM another chance. Come to find out, the MM told the OW all of these lies to keep her going. He did ask her to get an abortion, but she felt so angry and betrayed that she kept the child. Finding out that someone is telling you whatever you want to hear for their own benefit is a huge source of vengeance and loss of rationale. You experienced this yourself.

 

In later years, this MM's selfish attitude ultimately lead to divorce and this is what you should do if he can not be completely honest with you because you shouldn't have to live in doubt. And if he can be completely honest, accept his part in this, and regain your trust, I wish you all the best.

 

Please, please, please don't allow/encourage him to emotionally/financially neglect his child.

[adiaz]

The whore called him at 3 months pregnant knowing that she could no longer have an abortion.. which he pleaded her to have. But she "wanted" another kid.

 

When the baby was born she asked him to come see him. That he looked just like him. and like an idiot he goes to see the baby.

 

 

I was pissed to find out that he regreted having the initial affair but on top of that he had seen her 5 months ago..too.

He tells me that she pretty much just threw herself on him. but does take a lot of blame for what happened and what this whore is putting our family through.

The summons was sent to me as proof that their is a child. The sad thing is that their is a child from this that she chose to bring into this world w/out the consent of the father!!!!! We have 4 kids..and im about to talk to a lawyer about my options. Im no leaving him not i want to leave him. But this bitch is not going to see a dime...unless she fights for it.

 

Is there a law..the would help me w/this situation. I know that it took two people to tango..but that the father had no say so in keeping the baby is just unbelievable.

She tricked him!!!

 

-CG.

Seriously woman how selfish can you be??? What if someone wanted your mother to abort you? or for you to abort your children? I mean wtf! What has this poor, INNOCENT BABY that your husband CHOSE to bring into this world by sleeping with another woman ever done to you??

 

You keep calling this woman a whore when your husband is the one who CHEATED on you NOT HER. She owes you nothing since she did not take vows with you- your husband did. Every cheater will tell you the woman threw herself at him and tricked him, blah blah bullsh*t but you have to be smart enough to realize that any respecting husband- specially one you've been married to for 16 years would not let you find out via the court. and this bitch is not getting a dime, your husband's child is getting support. And as far as your husband not having rights when it came to keeping the child, well he should have thought about it before he cheated on you, slept with her WITHOUT A CONDOM (what if she had an STD?) and trying to get away with it.

 

No one tricked your husband but you are letting him trick and fool you.

 

You lost my sympathies when you so uneloquently suggested that this baby should have been aborted. Grow a heart!:mad:

[LakesideDream]

The sad thing is that their is a child from this that she chose to bring into this world w/out the consent of the father!!!!! We have 4 kids..and im about to talk to a lawyer about my options. Im no leaving him not i want to leave him. But this bitch is not going to see a dime...unless she fights for it.

 

Is there a law..the would help me w/this situation. I know that it took two people to tango..but that the father had no say so in keeping the baby is just unbelievable. She tricked him!!!

 

-CG.

 

 

Bealena, Your situation isn't a good one. I'm sure you will get a lot of advice on what you should do with your husband, although it sounds like you have decided that already.

 

What I find to be hilarious truely funny is that you are a woman who is desperate to throw every feminist woman in the world under the bus! In the United States for the last 40 years men have had absolutely no say whatsoever about reproductive rights... from the second of conception.

 

There are literally millions of men who are paying, or have paid child support for children who are not theirs. Boyfriends, affair partners and Husbands. All a woman needs do is claim a certain male is the father for child support to be awarded. It is then up to the male to prove that he is not.

 

In the case of married couples divorcing it often doesent matter who the father is. (depending on the state) Even if proven that a man Is Not the father... (sorry 'bout the Maury moment) he pays anyway because the couple was married when the child was born.

 

Now you want to change all that just because your husband didn't want a child ? Good luck with that. You too. Legally no woman ever tricked a man into anything. Everytime a fertile male has intercourse he risks a lifetime of financial liability. Welcome to the 21st Century. Women have the presumption of zero liability in reproduction. That's the way y'all want it.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

This is one of the most ridiculous posts by a BS that I have ever read. As an xow I repsect most of the BS on here. I feel for them, in a way its like reading what his W is going through. It puts the guilt right there for me to read. makes me face what ive done. and with that i have no problem with any of them saying anything negative - except for this.

 

i have never read something so heartless and selfish. and the comments you made - they make you as guilty as your husband and that baby's mother.

 

your husband, your so called rock. he cheated on you. that other woman, to you at least, the only thing shes guilty of is not having compassion for another human being, your life, your marriage and your feelings.

 

you dont even know the circumstances, because youre believing a man who lied to you for over a year!!! for all you know, that "whore" could have thought he was single. maybe he told her he wanted the baby, maybe he promised her forever. YOU DONT KNOW! he is a liar, you cant say that you know the truth because hes proven he has lied.

 

but you have no say or right to tell someone else they are a bad person for not having an abortion. its not your place. its not your husbands place. if he didnt want a baby he shouldnt have taken that risk. she didnt trick him or do anything wrong by not having an abortion. you are being selfish here.

 

and to want to fight against your husband supporting his child? again, ridiculous. like it or not, this baby has as much right to your husbands money as your own children. in my opinion there is nothing lower than a man who fights AGAINST supporting his own flesh and blood. and you, for suggesting he not take care of his responsibility, you are asking him to harm a child. because a child who cannot afford to eat or have basic necessities is being harmed. and yes, you are hurt. you have been wronged. but by suggesting that this child be hurt and punished for this. you are acting just as wrong and miserable as that person you are calling a whore.

[WalkInThePark]

The sad thing is that their is a child from this that she chose to bring into this world w/out the consent of the father!!!!!

 

Well, imagine you would become pregnant again with a fifth child and your husband would tell you 4 kids was enough and you should get an abortion. Would you let yourself stop by the lack of "consent of the father"? I don't think so!!!

 

You are in a horrible place right now. But unless the OW is a woman who works as a prostitute, she is not a "whore". And if she threw herself at him, your H must have liked it because otherwise he would not have had sex with her. She sure did not rape him...

You should face the facts which is that your H had an A and acted irresponsible. If a man does not want to have more kids, he should not have sex without a condom (unless he has had a vasectomy).

In any case, now that the baby is born, your H should support it.

[MadMission]

I found out by a court paternity summons...that my husband not only had an affair 12 months ago but that it also resulted in having a child because of it.

 

he prolonged things w/the whore so that i didnt find out.

 

he goes to see the baby (behind YOUR back)

 

he had seen her (OW) 5 months ago..too.

 

He tells me that she pretty much just threw herself on him (oh brother)

 

Wow, your WH must be thanking his lucky stars!

 

He betrayed, disrespected you and hurt you in the worst way possible, ALL of his actions were SELFISH and about saving his own skin with NO regard for YOU and your feelings, he continued to lie and be sneaky by secretly going to see OW and baby behind your back, and he got to play the 'victim card' making OW the 'bad guy' making it sound like he had no choice but to have sex with her (poor guy)...AND he has a baby with OW!

 

After all that, you believe what he tells you, you claim you "know nothing but each other" and that he is your "rock." You blame OW for putting your family through this. And, you even believe that your H made a "human mistake that the majority of humanity makes."

 

Wow, you are like the 'dream BS' that I bet many WS would love to have.

Your WH must literally be thanking his lucky stars!

[1Angel]

 

you dont even know the circumstances, because youre believing a man who lied to you for over a year!!! for all you know, that "whore" could have thought he was single. maybe he told her he wanted the baby, maybe he promised her forever. YOU DONT KNOW! he is a liar, you cant say that you know the truth because hes proven he has lied.

 

 

Good point.

[Snowflower]

I agree with this and I agree that the AP should take blame, but it's not the point of this thread, IMO.

 

This OP was very upset at the OW in her initial post which is perfectly understandable. It had only been a week since she found out and what a tough situation. My heart goes out to the OP because she certainly didn't sign up for this.

 

It was pointed out that her H had brought about this unfair situation through his actions and that the OP should not place the blame squarely on the OW's shoulders.

 

If the OP's H hadn't had sex outside his marriage, then the OP wouldn't be in this unfortunate position. Whether or not the OW is blameless isn't the point in this thread.

 

frozensprouts, I apologize for disagreeing with you. I wish I could remove this post because this thread has taken a turn.

 

OP, I'm sorry for the bashing you are receiving here when you are already in so much pain. Try take the good advice you can find here and apply it if you can and ignore the rest.

[PhoenixRise]

The bashing here is excessive I think.

 

The OP has agreed in subsequent post that her H deserves the blame and that child support will be paid.

 

She just found out about these life changing events a week ago and she is feeling a lot of pain.

 

It is completely normal for her to just want it all to go away.. she hasn't processed everything yet.

 

It is completely normal (if not healthy) for her instinct to be to blame the OW. She has not built a life with OW. The future she wanted for her life is not with the OW...but a I and others pointed out to her this is not the healthy outlook...but it is normal and understandable.

 

AND for the OW who came rushing in to object to the OW in this scenario being called names.....in the last few weeks on the OW board I have seen lots of wife bashing...there was even a poster who every time she referred to her MM's wife, she called her a "beast" I saw none of you object to the wife being called names and denegrated.....and the only thing the wife did in that situation is be married to the man the OW wanted for herself. I am not saying it is ok for this BS to call the OW names, I am saying those OW who were so outraged by it should try to be consistent.

 

To the original poster. I hope things work out for you and your family and I hope some reasonable accommodation will be made for the child involved.

[NowhereToHide]

The bashing here is excessive I think.

 

The OP has agreed in subsequent post that her H deserves the blame and that child support will be paid.

 

She just found out about these life changing events a week ago and she is feeling a lot of pain.

 

It is completely normal for her to just want it all to go away.. she hasn't processed everything yet.

 

It is completely normal (if not healthy) for her instinct to be to blame the OW. She has not built a life with OW. The future she wanted for her life is not with the OW...but a I and others pointed out to her this is not the healthy outlook...but it is normal and understandable.

 

AND for the OW who came rushing in to object to the OW in this scenario being called names.....in the last few weeks on the OW board I have seen lots of wife bashing...there was even a poster who every time she referred to her MM's wife, she called her a "beast" I saw none of you object to the wife being called names and denegrated.....and the only thing the wife did in that situation is be married to the man the OW wanted for herself. I am not saying it is ok for this BS to call the OW names, I am saying those OW who were so outraged by it should try to be consistent.

 

To the original poster. I hope things work out for you and your family and I hope some reasonable accommodation will be made for the child involved.

 

 

I'm sure I'm the OW that you're referring to. I don't agree with anyone in the crappy situation of an affair to be called names. ANYONE. I never read the post where the BS was called names - IF I had, I would have objected to that just as vehemently. Everyone on these boards is in pain. I agree that name calling -- for anyone -- doesn't add to the discussion.

[PhoenixRise]

I'm sure I'm the OW that you're referring to. I don't agree with anyone in the crappy situation of an affair to be called names. ANYONE. I never read the post where the BS was called names - IF I had, I would have objected to that just as vehemently. Everyone on these boards is in pain. I agree that name calling -- for anyone -- doesn't add to the discussion.

 

 

I knew when I posted that the response would be that the OW didn't see the objectionable remarks...and maybe you didn't.

 

I will say that this particular OW called the BW in her situation a beast many many times. it happened several times in multiple threads in the OW forum and no one objected.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i may be wrong, but the one who used the word "beast" was calling her that because friends/family others in their community called that woman the "beast." i say if one acts like a beast then they should be called a beast - ow, ws, bs, whoever.

 

but i slept with someone else's husband. am i wrong for that YES. am i wrong for betraying my husband? YES. did i make some selfish and hurtful choices? YES. but i, by no means am a whore. (i realize OP wasnt talking about me) now, if i were to go out and sleep with everyones husband, conduct myself in a trashy manner, easily give it up to anyone that asked then i might be a whore. just the same as the "beast" comment.

 

i understand the OP here was angry. the anger didnt bother me. the name calling didnt bother me. it was the direct statements that she wanted to stop this child from receiving support and that she thought she had some input into whether this woman should have had an abortion or not. theres lots of words that could be used to describe someone who thinks this way. not saying that im calling names, just pointing out that if this woman wasnt a betrayed spouse and she talked this way she would be flamed, and hard.

[Snowflower]

I realize that the words the OP used and the points she made (abortion, blaming the OW, her husband was tricked, etc., refuse to pay support) were hard to read.

 

She was venting...according to the OP, she had just found out a week prior through a court summons that her H had fathered a child with someone else. I can't think of a worse way to receive such devastating news.

 

She did calm down in her subsequent post.