Barely any sex for 3+ years because of wife's health issue

November 23, 2009

My wife and I have been together almost four years. We had about two months of great sex (3x daily, with simultaneous orgasms) early in our relationship, before our marriage, but then she came down with a vaginal condition that often makes sex painful. BTW, the cause was the spermicide in contraceptive sponges. There is also chronic recurring pain even without sex, particularly when she is stressed.

There was a span of 6 months early on when we had no sex, and we only did it about 4 times in the first year of her condition. For the last year, the pain hasn't been as bad, but the thought of any kind of sexual activity (oral, even a handjob) often causes her sadness and stress. Now roughly once a month she feels like trying sex, and usually it is good for her - she orgasms. The problem is, she never knows if it is going to be painful until we try, and the experience feels sort of clinical. Even though the pain is relatively minor, it is very stressful for her and she usually wants to avoid the issue. Just kissing for more than a few seconds can cause her stress because she knows that it can lead to my getting turned on and wanting more, if only a handjob -- that we do about 3-6 times a month, but without her getting turned on, it is just rote and not very satisfying. She's turned on enough to give me head about once a month. Odd as it seams, though it is not at all painful, she won't let me go down on her at all anymore. She just doesn't want the attention there.

This situation of course puts strain on our relationship. I am 30 and still have the same sex drive as when we met. I find my mind wandering, as of course my genes want to cheat or even leave her. I have not told her this, but it doesn't need to be said -- anyone in my situation would experience those feelings, and she knows it. In our worst moments, she tells be that I am free to leave her. We still love each other, and I am staying with her because I have hope that the situation will improve and because it is the right thing to do.

Sex really is everything for a couple, especially a young one. As good a fit as we are intellectually and emotionally, without a sexual connection it is difficult to keep up the feelings of closeness. Like anyone, we fight over everyday things, but more often and intensely than is healthy, and we can't have make-up sex. I know that it is not because of me, but getting rejected over and over by my wife leaves me feeling frustrated and low.

She may have this condition for her entire life. Even if the physical symptoms abate, she may find the idea of sex to be stressful forever. I am afraid for our future. I do not want to go through the rest of my life with no sex and likely no children (she is not infertile, but will not want to complicate things further with a pregnancy).

Edited November 23, 2009 by JimmyJohnson

November 23, 2009

"but then she came down with a vaginal condition that often makes sex painful. BTW, the cause was the spermicide in contraceptive sponges. There is also chronic recurring pain even without sex, particularly when she is stressed".

I'm assuming this was diagnosed by her doctor as a actual issue? If so, did you hear this straight from the doctor as well?

November 23, 2009

Have hope. Nothing lasts forever.

What does the gyno say? Are there any treatments or remedies she can take to make this lessen? What's the diagnosis from her doctor - the clinical term for her condition?

Has she tried any holistic medicine?

You guys really should exhaust every option.

November 23, 2009

Her doctor is by most accounts the leading authority on the condition. We know exactly what it is and have attempted treatment. It is chronic and often uncurable.

November 23, 2009

What's it called?

November 23, 2009

vulvodynia

November 23, 2009

vulvodynia

Wow. I never heard of that before but I googled it and it sounds awful! I'm so sorry you guys are going through this.

November 23, 2009

I have posted about this situation several times. Twice my wife has had a condition similar to what you describe. Once for 2 months and once for about 6 weeks. In both cases she made the effort to make me feel wanted and desired a loved. The second time it happened she was adamant about taking care of me at least once or twice a week and she doesn't like hand jobs so it is not so much a hardship for me when this happens other then feeling bad for her.

But I would not agree to an arrangement where when the roller coaster is broken the whole amusement park gets shut down. And at 30 we were at it all the time, like 4 or 5 times a week. We are 46/47 now.

She seems remarkably unconcerned with YOUR needs.

My wife and I have been together almost four years. We had about two months of great sex (3x daily, with simultaneous orgasms) early in our relationship, before our marriage, but then she came down with a vaginal condition that often makes sex painful. BTW, the cause was the spermicide in contraceptive sponges. There is also chronic recurring pain even without sex, particularly when she is stressed.

There was a span of 6 months early on when we had no sex, and we only did it about 4 times in the first year of her condition. For the last year, the pain hasn't been as bad, but the thought of any kind of sexual activity (oral, even a handjob) often causes her sadness and stress. Now roughly once a month she feels like trying sex, and usually it is good for her - she orgasms. The problem is, she never knows if it is going to be painful until we try, and the experience feels sort of clinical. Even though the pain is relatively minor, it is very stressful for her and she usually wants to avoid the issue. Just kissing for more than a few seconds can cause her stress because she knows that it can lead to my getting turned on and wanting more, if only a handjob -- that we do about 3-6 times a month, but without her getting turned on, it is just rote and not very satisfying. She's turned on enough to give me head about once a month. Odd as it seams, though it is not at all painful, she won't let me go down on her at all anymore. She just doesn't want the attention there.

This situation of course puts strain on our relationship. I am 30 and still have the same sex drive as when we met. I find my mind wandering, as of course my genes want to cheat or even leave her. I have not told her this, but it doesn't need to be said -- anyone in my situation would experience those feelings, and she knows it. In our worst moments, she tells be that I am free to leave her. We still love each other, and I am staying with her because I have hope that the situation will improve and because it is the right thing to do.

Sex really is everything for a couple, especially a young one. As good a fit as we are intellectually and emotionally, without a sexual connection it is difficult to keep up the feelings of closeness. Like anyone, we fight over everyday things, but more often and intensely than is healthy, and we can't have make-up sex. I know that it is not because of me, but getting rejected over and over by my wife leaves me feeling frustrated and low.

She may have this condition for her entire life. Even if the physical symptoms abate, she may find the idea of sex to be stressful forever. I am afraid for our future. I do not want to go through the rest of my life with no sex and likely no children (she is not infertile, but will not want to complicate things further with a pregnancy).

November 23, 2009

I have posted about this situation several times. Twice my wife has had a condition similar to what you describe. Once for 2 months and once for about 6 weeks. In both cases she made the effort to make me feel wanted and desired a loved. The second time it happened she was adamant about taking care of me at least once or twice a week and she doesn't like hand jobs so it is not so much a hardship for me when this happens other then feeling bad for her.

But I would not agree to an arrangement where when the roller coaster is broken the whole amusement park gets shut down. And at 30 we were at it all the time, like 4 or 5 times a week. We are 46/47 now.

She seems remarkably unconcerned with YOUR needs.

I disagree. I think she is doing the best SHE can. I'm not saying it's enough for him, but I honestly believe she's giving it all she's got. She's obviously stressed about it and knows it's a problem.

November 23, 2009

Her doctor is by most accounts the leading authority on the condition. We know exactly what it is and have attempted treatment. It is chronic and often uncurable.

I have no doubts that you have researched this, but never give up hope until there is no possible solution.

Going to Mayo Clinic....

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/vulvodynia/DS00159

I read....

Treatment options are available to lessen the pain and discomfort of vulvodynia.

But I am guessing that you knew this.

I feel for you. Truly. It is frustrating when it seems that you can do nothing. You are locked in a marriage with no apparent change for the future.

As mem said, she can do stuff for you but this is not as satisfying as having a woman who responds to your touch and makes you feel like a man. And my guess is that if she experiences pain when having intercourse, then she has a tough time even getting started because she may actually want intercourse and feel pleasure...but it usually leads to pain. I understand her attitude.

If it were me, then I would be getting other opinions, going to message boards that have support for this, and trying everything to solve this problem or lessen her pain. She has to live with the pain, yet you have to suffer with her. It seems unfair yet...it is what it is.

Here is one link (you may have been here before)...

http://www.vulvodynia.com/

This doesn't sound fun, but she needs you as the one without the pain, to step up and try to find solutions. Exhaust the internet. Connect with others who have the same problem. Get her to as many doctors as it takes. And be her support.

The future is unknown. We don't know if your research will give results, but we do know that doing nothing will do exactly that...do nothing.

As a husband with a wife who has chronic pain, I do understand.

November 23, 2009

Hopeful,

This is the quote: "the thought of any type of sexual activity causes her sadness and stress"

This is a totally self focused statement.

Say you 100 percent removing my sex drive. And you also tell me that if twice a week I give my wife 1 hour of touch with manual/oral to bring her to the end zone she will feel physically loved/desired. I would WANT to do that. Not tolerate it - want it. Because it makes me happy to please her and it would cause me great guilt to not come up with some alternative if my body failed me.

That is totally different then this case. By the way - 2 a week is not a full satisfaction scenario in terms of the physicality of it. It meets an emotional need.

If HER need is for him to just accept almost no sex open ended due to this problem then - my opinion - she is a very self focused very uncompassionate partner. And I would say the same about him if he was pushing for daily sex. What they have now her goal is not to make him happy, rather it is a divorce avoidance strategy. And the second I feel like my partners primary goal is divorce avoidance I am gone.

I disagree. I think she is doing the best SHE can. I'm not saying it's enough for him, but I honestly believe she's giving it all she's got. She's obviously stressed about it and knows it's a problem.

November 23, 2009

Hopeful,

This is the quote: "the thought of any type of sexual activity causes her sadness and stress"

This is a totally self focused statement.

Say you 100 percent removing my sex drive. And you also tell me that if twice a week I give my wife 1 hour of touch with manual/oral to bring her to the end zone she will feel physically loved/desired. I would WANT to do that. Not tolerate it - want it. Because it makes me happy to please her and it would cause me great guilt to not come up with some alternative if my body failed me.

That is totally different then this case. By the way - 2 a week is not a full satisfaction scenario in terms of the physicality of it. It meets an emotional need.

If HER need is for him to just accept almost no sex open ended due to this problem then - my opinion - she is a very self focused very uncompassionate partner. And I would say the same about him if he was pushing for daily sex. What they have now her goal is not to make him happy, rather it is a divorce avoidance strategy. And the second I feel like my partners primary goal is divorce avoidance I am gone.

I understand that, but I do think she's giving it all she has. She obviously recognizes this is a problem and does her best to satisfy her husband. Obviously it's not enough and I doubt a life of handjobs and blowjobs would be enough for any man to receive even on a daily basis. It wouldn't be enough for me to just get oral and fingered every day. I would need that physical contact from my husband. To be close to him. Even if he tried to satisfy me every day of his life, it still wouldn't be what I thought I'd have when he married me. At the same time if I were her, a part of me would resent getting my husband off time after time while I suffer with never being able to enjoy the same. The frustration from getting so hot seeing him enjoy himself would be almost too much to bear. I would want to enjoy it with him, not just get him off. It's not intimate anymore if that's the case because it's not shared.

I'm not saying she can't step her game up. What I'm saying is for him to have and show empathy. She can do the same for him. That's where they meet in the middle.

November 23, 2009

At the same time if I were her, a part of me would resent getting my husband off time after time while I suffer with never being able to enjoy the same. The frustration from getting so hot seeing him enjoy himself would be almost too much to bear. I would want to enjoy it with him, not just get him off. It's not intimate anymore if that's the case because it's not shared.

The problem is, she doesn't get turned on. It's not that she just can't have sex -- in fact, she now physically can with only relatively minor pain and she can orgasm through sex -- it's that she doesn't want sex, of any kind.

Like I said, she won't even let me go down on her now, though that has never caused her pain and we used to enjoy it. The mention of a handjob causes her stress not because it is a chore but because they remind her that she is "broken."

November 23, 2009

James,

Thanks for the links (one is to the website of her doctor, BTW) and encouraging words.

The most frustrating thing for both of us is that even though the pain has largely subsided and sex is possible, her sex drive seems to have actually decreased. The feeling of being "broken" or incomplete also causes her regular bouts of depression, during which her irritability often brings about fights.

I am frustrated that there is little that I can do, other than to encourage her to think positively and continue to proceed with treatment, tough as it is for her.

November 23, 2009

blair08,

Yes, the doctor fingered the heavy, regular doses of spermicide over about three weeks as the likely irritant that caused a thinning of the membrane and an overgrowth of nerve endings.

November 23, 2009

She should do some counselling so she can gain confidence..She feels she's broken, feels she's letting you down, probably is scared you may cheat on her or divorce her one day over this.. Do counselling, with her too..She needs to go on her own to fix her mindset.

November 24, 2009

She should do some counselling so she can gain confidence..She feels she's broken, feels she's letting you down, probably is scared you may cheat on her or divorce her one day over this.. Do counselling, with her too..She needs to go on her own to fix her mindset.

I agree. If she can have sex with minor discomfort and O, then it's mostly a mental problem at this point. For some people it's even harder to change their attitude than it is to pop a pill for a medical condition, but it can be done.

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