Tired of the Abuse

[waterrat]

I feel for you man....I am 4 months removed from the same type of relationship. It will not get any better. You cannot change or help these people. Check out "shrink4men" website. It really opened my eyes and helped me understand what I was dealing with. I encourage you to scroll down after the articles and check out the reader comments.

 

You are not alone my friend. Run and don't look back!

Edited November 25, 2009 by waterrat

[stoneymirror]

Thanks for the help guys, I really appreciate it. These are tough times with the Holidays, ugh.

 

Well I called her today, cause I was worried about her medical results, she was suppose to get them today.

 

we talk and it turns into a fight. She immediately tells me that I can't be this upset cause I do the same things as her. Yet she fails to realize this is a 90/10 type of situation, not 50/50. She blows up on me all the time, and I can't even think of the last time I got that upset. Maybe I'm just pissed off and making it known, but I'm sick of dealing with this crap. She tells me why an apology isn't good enough, and she can't do anything to make things right. Then she goes off and tells me if I'm this unhappy to save both us some pain and end it. Then it just turned into a b!itch fest. She personally attacks me tells me how I don't want to take the blame for anything. She bends and twists things to make it sound like I have issues. And it's all too much on top of the already hurtful things shes so frequently been saying to me when she blows. I need a breather.

 

Thanks again guys I'll take a look at those articles. BTW she just hung up on me and screamed. What a joke

[trueblue72ny]

im sorry, i don;t mean to laugh but i got a chuckle when you said she just screamed at you and hung up.

[TimH]

I had the same type of Women whom would blow-up at us family members. Everytime something was going wrong or even if she just felt down she would blow-up at us and didnt care who she hurt.She became somebody else.Afterwards it was all apologies but never lasted.I finally told her its either seek help outside the home or my girls and I would have to leave.The wife did get help with anti-depressants which greatly improved her temper.I also tried hard to get her to sign up for sessions or classes in dealing with her anger issues but never was successful with that.Well it all fell apart again when she stopped taking her meds,she said she didn't like how they made her feel.After that she never did go back to the doc for further help.Doesn't matter now since we split up last month for other reasons.

[nobmagnet]

it helped me a bit....................

 

By: Michael G. Conner, Psy.D

For most of us the idea of a psychopath conjures up images from movies like "Silence of The Lambs" and characters with names like "Hannibal Lector." Fortunately characters like Hannibal don’t really exist. Serial killers and people involved in ritual torture are rare, but psychopathic behavior is more common than you might think]

 

A psychopath will use people for excitement, entertainment, to build their self-esteem and they invariably value people in terms of their material value (e.g. money, property, comfort, etc..). They can involve and get other people into trouble quickly and they seem to have no regret for their actions. To date there is no checklist of behavior and symptoms that will tell you with certainty whether or not a person is a psychopath. But there are warning signs. The following warning signs are based on my experience but primarily research conducted by Robert Hare, Ph.D - the leading expert on the Psychopathic PersonalityCharacteristics of a Psychopath]

· superficial charm

 

·self-centered & self-important

 

· need for stimulation & prone to boredom

·

.deceptive behavior & lying

· conning & manipulative

·little remorse or guilt

·shallow emotional response

·

callous with a lack of empathy

·

living off others or predatory attitude

·

poor self-control

·

. promiscuous sexual behavior

·

early behavioral problems

·

lack of realistic long term goals

·

impulsive lifestyle

·

irresponsible behavior

·blaming others for their actions

· short term relationships

· juvenile delinquency

· breaking parole or probation

· varied criminal activity [

The idea that psychopaths eat people is a myth. In reality, a person with a psychopathic personality can lead what appears to be an ordinary life. They can have jobs, get married and they can break the law like anyone else. But their jobs and marriages usually don’t last and their life is usually on the verge of personal chaos. They are almost always in some kind of trouble or they are not far from it.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]A psychopath is usually a subtle manipulator. They do this by playing to the emotions of others. They typically have high verbal intelligence, but they lack what is commonly referred to as "emotional intelligence". There is always a shallow quality to the emotional aspect of their stories. In particular they have difficulty describing how they felt, why they felt that way, or how others may feel and why. In many cases you almost have to explain it to them. Close friends and parents will often end up explaining to the psychopath how they feel and how others feel who have been hurt by him or her. They can do this over and over with no significant change in the person's choices and behavior. They don't understand or appreciate the impact that their behavior has on others. They do appreciate what it means when they are caught breaking rules or the law even though they seem to end up in trouble again. They desperately avoid incarceration and loss of freedom but continue to act as if they can get away with breaking the rules. They don't learn from these consequences. They seem to react with feelings and regret when they are caught. But their regret is not so much for other people as it is for the consequences that their behavior has had on them, their freedom, their resources and their so called "friends." They can be very sad for their self. A psychopath is always in it for their self even when it seems like they are caring for and helping others. The definition of their "friends" are people who support the psychopath and protect them from the consequence of their own antisocial behavior. Shallow friendships, low emotional intelligence, using people, antisocial attitudes and failure to learn from the repeated consequences of their choices and actions help identify the psychopath.

Edited November 25, 2009 by nobmagnet
word doc xxx

[waterrat]

Hey SM,

 

I truly feel for you man. Like most people who have replied, I have been there! I work in the same building with my ex so I do run into her. I used to suffer from anxiety when I saw her, was not sleeping or eating properly. Today when I see her 4 months later I just laugh within myself because I was sooooo lucky to escape before I did something stupid like sell my house and buy a new one for us and her kids. Yet I also feel sorry for her as she looks miserable :-( She also has medical issues coming up. But you know what, not my problem. She treated me like sh*t so why should I care. She is no longer a part of my life. No one deserves to be treated like that.

 

So in my opinion what you need to do is purge, delete, block and no contact her a$$! This will save you much pain in the long run and lead to a quicker recovery. And you will be a stronger person for the experience. These types of people tend to call you back and suck you back in. If you let that happen the pain will increase after every break up. It will always be your fault! Who knows what/who they are doing while your not together? In the long run it doesn't matter because you will be moving on. These people are not capable of Adult Love. They always play the victim, when in reality it you who is the victim of their abuse. It is a cycle for them, they will tell you what you want to hear and even agree to your boundaries if necessary. They will know the second your guard is down and alas, all will be lost again. There you will be in a dark room, your head spinning and left with nothing but what I like to refer to as a "word salad".

 

I also "highly" recommend the site I mentioned above not only for you, but anyone else whom has recently experienced this type of relationship and is still coping. I can almost guarantee that you will read your story over and over. It is authored by a woman Head DR. for men, but generally can be applied to both sexes.

 

As for the holidays, I agree it could be tough, but reach out to your friends and family during this time. It is a time for love and forgiveness. But do NOT contact her! As for me well I recently found out that my last day of work is Dec 4. I have worked as an IT consultant for the same Fed Gov't department for the last 11 years. Worked my a$$ for them, think I took a total of 3 sick days in that time. But you know what, that is just fine. Full circle sort of speak. One door closes, another opens.

 

I am a better stronger person today because I survived what you WILL. I also know damn well it will never happen to me again. Once is enough, thank you very much, still looking for the T-Shirt :-)

 

Take Care Man! Be strong and move on!

Edited November 25, 2009 by waterrat

[stoneymirror]

update: well we spoke today for like another 10 minutes and she asked where I was, then I asked her. Said she was at the store buying frozen lasagna, which was what I was suppose to make her family for tomorrow. One guilt treatment later I agree to cook my lasagna for them and come along. I'm so dumb, and since she's jus been acting as sweet as can be. I hate this, I have all these bad feelings and tomorrow I'm just gonna play the part and not feel any of it. At this point I feel like I want nothing more than to find someone who's not so self absorbed. She tells me today to just get over it, its thanksgiving, and of course I surrender. i'm such a wussy, but little does she know I'm just one step away from outa here. Thanks again guys for all your support, I love this forum, has helped me a lot`

[XKatieX]

It sounds like she is the one that needs to change. She needs to realize that she has a lot on her mind right now but by no means should take it out on you. No one can take that abuse forever, I would just let her know how you feel that shes hurting you by doing this and that you can't take it anymore. No contact, but you can give her time, if she realizes what she's doing and changes then great, if not then just let her go.