Tired of the Abuse

[stoneymirror]

Well once again my GF blew up on me. This has become a weekly thing now and I'm beginning to feel less of a person each and every time. She gets upset about something, blows up then rejects me, then after a day she calls and apologizes.

 

My GF currently is having some medical issues and is under a lot of stress. Unfortunately I'm getting the butt end of all these emotions and feelings, and I end up getting hurt through her blowups at me and the nasty things that she says to me.

 

This last Saturday, her dog woke us up early and disrupted her sleep. She blows up and blames me for getting the dog excited. She storms out of my apt and tells me to F-Off, and I'm left wondering what the hell just happened.

 

I'm assuming she was up already and had things on her mind and this was just the last straw that broke the camels back. I had nothing to do with any of it, yet she blows up on me and leaves my house and I'm left dealing with it.

 

I love this girl, and have done a lot to show her how much I care in these difficult times she's having with her medical issues. I've bought her flowers, cards, taken her out to dinner, had long talks with her, comforted her when she cried in my arms. She works herself up over something that isn't really that bad to begin with but it eats at her and she obviously can't handle the stress. I want to be there for her, but her short fuse and rejection towards me at times makes it really difficult not to think about how I'm being treated right now.

 

Any suggestions, insight or help would be appreciated.

 

Thanks,

[NopeNah]

Time to bounce,my friend. She seems VERY demanding and childish. I wouldn't waste too much of my time with a person like that again. That's how my most resent ex was. If she wasn't 100% happy, she'd make sure NO one around was. High strung,controlling,very short with people when mad(including her son),ect.. Makes my stomach turn just typing about it! Run fast and far!

[stoneymirror]

Exactly how I feel. Like I can't ever do anything right. I've been with her for almost a year now and her blowups are more common than ever. She always has an issue with something I do, or don't do and I feel like I'll never be good enough for her.

 

Problem is we do get along great when things are good. We're very much a like and fit into each other's lives perfectly. When things are good, I couldn't image finding some better suited for me. But when things are bad, it's miserable. I hate giving up on a relationship but I feel like she's never going to change her ways, and like you it makes me sick to even think about how mean and hurtful she gets when she's mad at me.

 

I'm finding it really tough to leave this relationship cause I just have this gut instinct that she's what I've always wanted, minus the temper, and I guess my hopes of her changing are dwindling every day. Even once she feels better about these medical issues I see this sort of behavior still happening.

[NopeNah]

I'd look at her showing her true colors so soon as a good thing. Mine hid them for the better part of 2.5 years. Once we moved in together the "mask" came off. After about six months of living together I was looking for a way out. That took 3yrs of hell to find. Sure we had plenty of good days(that's why I stayed, like you are) but, then the bad started outweighing the good after a while. I started to leave and got the old " I'll change" BS. It got to the point to where I would feel knots in my stomach around an hr before she got off work. I finally moved out but, we kept "dating" with hopes of her change. Those hopes never came. I was 70% happier, as it was when we first started dating. If she reverted back, I went to my home. Loved it!haha! Then found out she was also seeing someone else so, that was that! These types of people DON'T change! Why would they? They're perfect and always right in their own warped/selfish minds.

[stoneymirror]

I wonder if she is seeing someone else. I doubt it, due to all that's going on with her medical issues and whatnot but I'm worried she's just going to walk out on me one of these days cause she has such a warped perception of who I am and always thinks the worse of me. I feel the longer I stay in this relationship the more I'm going to get hurt. Maybe I should just bail and really not look back this time. It's so tough to do....

[trueblue72ny]

My suggestion, just tell her very simply. look, I know you have some problems but that does NOT excuse your behavior towards me. knock it off.

 

You don’t have to be mean about it.

 

Don’t be a push over. Just tell her you dont like her talking ot you like that. obviously being a nice guy isnt getting you anywhere except the same old same old.

 

if you let it go on she will think its ok to talk to you like that because you don’t tell her its not.

[NopeNah]

Maybe I should just bail and really not look back this time..

Whether she's seeing someone or not, she won't change for the long haul. Maybe for a week, a month but, not for good. You'll be walking on egg shells your entire relationship trying not to piss her off/breakup with you. That's NO way to live,man. It's very unhealthy and mentally/emotionally exhausting!

[trueblue72ny]

i agree with praying 4daylight also. You can tell her to knock it off but how long will it last? Screw walking on eggshells around someone. they either like you or they don’t! I have walked on eggshells before. I will be dead before I let that happen again. trust when I tell you that is no way to be with someone.

 

if she is caught up in herself and wont take the time to get to know who you are, there is a huge red flag. real relationships are 50/50. You have even said it yourself, I feel the longer I stay in this relationship the more im going to get hurt. not very optimistic sounding. We understand it is tough to bail. To give up the companionship, that is why you should try the knock it off road first. you are going to have to pull a 180 on her too see if anything is salvageable. If she blows up at you , than there is your answer – she doesn’t respect you. and if she does not respect you, it is only a matter of time before you get ditched for another guy WHO WILL tell her to knock it off. no way to live dude!

[stoneymirror]

She loves to turn it all around on me.

 

When she was packing up her stuff the other morning I threw her cosmetic bag on the ground towards her as I slammed the bathroom door closed. And when she told me to F off, I told her to get out of my house.

 

She turns this around and tells me I'm making it worse by pushing her buttons.

 

Mind you, I tried talking to her first, but she just blows up and crap pours out of her mouth, full of negative comments, and nasty remarks. She's zero to pissed off in 3 seconds flat.

 

She always apologizes for her comments and her temper, but it never changes. Problem is she has issues with everything. She gets this pissed off look and then she's so stuborn that she can't let anything go. She's never been able to calm down, and always resorts to smoking cigs or whatever to get out. Not once has she been able to control herself, once she hits full throttle you might as well say goodbye.

[stoneymirror]

forgot to mention that when she blows up, and finds excuses how I did something to push her buttons, She uses that as an excuse to not try. It's so frustrating when she's the one who just barries herself more and more

Edited November 23, 2009 by stoneymirror

[trueblue72ny]

no one can be with someone like that and be happy. what the he!!

[NopeNah]

I'd rather die alone than have to go through that ever again. Get out now! You'll thank yourself down the road.

[murphomatic]

Dang do I know exactly how you feel Stoney.. My (now ex) girlfriend was just as volatile over just as many petty things. I don't think the behavior changes - you being her boyfriend are simply a convenient whipping-boy....and you being a nice guy means you'll continue to come back for more.

 

I would try to talk to her too, but the crap she spewed forth was always something that was focused on hurting me as much as possible - and more often than not, had absolutely NOTHING to do with the current argument.

 

I don't think she'll change ... yours or mine. I cut mine loose because of it. So far I've been wrecked and terribly sad - because I DID love her... or as 2sunny more accurately pointed out to me - that I loved the person she COULD be. Not the reality of what stood in front of me screaming horrible things.

 

Good luck my friend. These forums are priceless for support, ears, and advice. Don't hesitate to use them. Wonderful people here.

Edited November 24, 2009 by murphomatic
typos

[stoneymirror]

Thanks for the advice guys, I really appreciate it.

 

Update: She's called, emailed, and txt msg'd me a few times saying how sorry she is. Feeling sorta bad cause I told her I'm sick and didn't feel like talking. I'm almost having those same feelings described above. Like I have a knot in my stomach when I think about having to talk to her. After her last blowup this last weekend, I really don't have the energy to talk it out. I feel like crap with everything she says, and it's all hitting me now and I feel like I'm just being abused in this relationship way too much. She can say she's sorry a million times, but I know she'll do it again. I'm suppose to spend Thanksgiving with her and her family, but I'm debating now if I should even do it considering the way I've been treated lately. I'm really doubting things right now, and can't muster the energy to care about anything but myself right now.

[stoneymirror]

One last thing, I was reading some articles on "Verbal Abusive Relationships" and she fits the profile exactly. I was thinking of sending her the articles I read so she can see for herself, any thoughts?

[nobmagnet]

physical and mental abuse bring the same reactions in me. I have been battered by a man it made me confused and when he appologised i felt so relieved i forgave (till the next and next and next time.) and in a separate relationship I took emotional abuse similar to yours and again took it and took it as I felt releived it had stoped for a while when he said sorry.

 

I liken it to knocking your head against a brick wall................it feels like heaven when you stop but it isnt heaven it is normal. Normal relationships are not easy but they can be great. It is a one sided love on your part and you need to leave it NOW. She is not worthy of you and you do deserve more.

 

x

[stoneymirror]

I'm debating on sending her an email on the articles I've been reading on verbal abuse. She fits the profile to a T, any thoughts. I can just assume she's going to blow her lid if I do that... but I've taken so much from her that I feel like it's almost needed. Any thoughts guys

[nobmagnet]

you have nothing to lose.you dont need get anything from the realationship and she gets it all. Send it and expect a responce of remorce(short lived trust me) Or anoyance.Eitherway she has issues she needs to address either with you or on her own.

[serialgf]

hi stoney!

i'm so sorry for what you're going through... you sound like a nice reasonable person and like you don't deserve this. i wanted to write to you because i have actually been her in this situation though i have "recovered" and am now a nice reasonable person like you!

 

in my opinion, and from my experiences, it sounds like your gf needs a little "tough love" on your part. you keep being there for her and coming back to her which is very nice on your part but actually can serve to reinforce her negative behavior, as she never suffers any "real" consequences

 

to do that, i think you should take at least a week away from her. i think it would be good for you to send her the articles and tell her you need a week to think things through and you hope she will do the same. tell her given the circumstances you can't attend her family's thanksgiving. i know this might hurt, but it sounds like you could use a break from her anyway, but it will serve to communicate to her the SERIOUSNESS of what she's done and how it is NEGATIVELY impacting your relationship

 

it sounds like she loves you but she is having a hard time controlling her impulses and her anger... it is necessary to do this, i've found, as it shows respect and true love for your significant other.

 

a little bit about my past - i used to be very abusive to my ex (we dated for 6 years and he was also abusive to me so a little different) however after we broke up i vowed never to treat another SO like crap again. i have been very kind to the guy i'm with now and its been a very nice relationship. however, i have slipped up a couple of times and he was very quick to "nip it in the bud" by simply and calmly leaving and not talking to me for a day or more as necessary.. this combined with my desire to change has really affected me for the better... i have not had a blowup since probably April or May! woohoo progress!

 

good luck! hang in there! you deserve to be treated better than this!!

[stoneymirror]

Thanks again guys, well I just emailed my GF the following, hope she absorbs it:

 

Not exactly sure how to approach this, but I've been really depressed since you told me to F-off on Saturday. I've been thinking about all the other times you've said hurtful things to me, and right now I'm completely breaking down, and feeling worthless. I feel like I'm no good, and easily replaceable. I feel like at any moment you're going to pick up and leave me cause you're so unhappy with me. I feel like you don't even want me around, and are pushing me away. I feel like I'm just adding more stress to your life and I'm always making mistakes. I see how upset you get with me and I question how you could love me if this is how you feel towards me at times. I'm feeling completely insignificant, and so lonely, and I feel like my feelings are never heard. I feel like you can say anything to me, and it doesn't effect me, but it does and all the negativity and hurtful comments is now tearing me down and I'm feeling really depressed. I went online today to read about verbal abuse and it helped me identify the feelings I've been having, and given me the strength to say something instead of just bottling it up like I have. If you really love me then I think you should read the article I've provide below. I really need you to stop showing me how much I upset you and how fed up you are with me, and start showing me that you love me, and will stick by me, and communicate with me and work things through, cause right now I feel you're going to drop me at any second.

 

Verbal Abuse In Relationships

by author Patricia Evans

 

Typically, people who are put down in verbally abusive relationships think that somehow, in some way their being treated has something to do with them. They have the impression that there is something about themselves that makes their loved one mad at them, apprehensive of them, distant toward them, fed up with them, unbelieving of them, or disdainful of them.

 

People who frequently indulge in verbal abuse may have little if any conscious awareness of what they are doing.

 

If people, in relationships believe that they are entitled to give orders--that it is their right--they don’t necessarily think that ordering their mate around is abusive. They usually think that their assumed rights, prerogatives and privileges make this kind of behavior okay. They are then blind to their abusive behavior.

 

Similarly, they may think that they have a right to put down their partner, or to tell their partner what s/he’s thinking, meaning, and so forth. They might think they are entitled to act the way they do because of their age, because they’ve been around the place longer, are of a superior gender or race, or because they make more money than their mate. Their sense of entitlement blinds them to their abusive behavior.

 

The abuser may think verbal and/or physical abuse—acts against their mate—are justified because their mate “makes them do it.” Many people who batter both verbally and physically and who are jailed as a consequence, believe it is their mate’s fault—as if their mate did the verbal and physical battering. This “crazy” thinking blinds them to their abusive behavior.

 

People who indulge in verbal abuse are also blinded to their abusive behavior when they are lacking in the ability to acknowledge and accept their mate’s feelings, interests, talents, perspectives and opinions.

 

Some people think “You’ve got to learn to take it. Let it roll of your back, it never hurt me. I’m successful.” But one might ask, Does being verbally abused make someone a better, healthier person?

 

Abusers tend to have little or no clue that they have a problem. Although they may admit to occasionally losing their cool or getting loud, they are very, very good at defending their misbehavior and adept at pointing out how they were provoked to behave in an angry way.

 

What is wrong is that verbal abusers are "always right!" The pattern is typical: abusers justify their displays of anger or disrespect by blaming the partner. The spouse, usually over-responsible, emotional, and codependent, has, in fact, acted out--and is likely to concede.

 

Another characteristic unique to the abusive relationship is that while partners in a normal relationship offensively provoke each other during difficult periods, in abusive relationships, the abuser provokes the partner when things are going well! The goal is to push the partner away because it is too scary to be too close, or to retaliate against the partner for a perceived slight.

 

The abuser's self-absorption and expectations spawn imbalance: The relationship is one-sided and is exclusively focused on meeting the emotional needs of the angry person. The abused partner's emotional needs are are seldom met.

 

By comparison, the abusive relationship is one-sided. The abusive partner, who denies vulnerability and human imperfection, is unable to participate reciprocally. The partner's imperfections are experienced as a personal assault.

 

This broken individual desperately needs to feel invincible, to win, and be in control. Being wrong, having to "give in," give up, or to place another’s needs before their own is unacceptable. The only thing left, that feels somewhat OK, is to "win." If that's all there is, there is intense pressure to hold onto it.

 

In sum: The angry person pushes away their partner whenever the partner is perceived to violate rigid and implicitly-held beliefs: the partner must always be there and never disappoint. Since partners are imperfect, they will disappoint. The angry person will retaliate or defend against the partner by provoking, pushing away, and/or blaming. Reality may be distorted to justify whatever it takes to be right. The angry person will come to believe the reality they invented! With little self-acceptance and its inherent sense of OK-ness, the angry person can only simulate OK-ness, by winning, being right, controlling what is by manipulating it to make it so.

 

Angry people have learned to take things personally and to feel blamed. They resort to extreme measures to prove that they are not at fault!"

 

More often than not, the abuser was the victim of childhood abuse, emotional neglect, parental illness, addiction, difficult life circumstance, or just poor genes. This individual never learned that it is OK to mess up and own up to it. For whatever reason, this individual never learned that others are imperfect too. This individual never learned that a (fill in the blank: angry, absent, sick, drunk, etc.) parent may mis-behave toward a child. This individual never learned that the parental mis-behavior has absolutely, positively nothing to do with the child (even if the child is "bad") and absolutely everything to do with the parent! Angry people have learned to take things personally and to feel blamed. They resort to extreme measures to prove that they are not at fault!

 

Nevertheless, nothing, nothing, nothing excuses an adult's selfish, disrespectful or abusive behavior toward another human being. Above all, to disrespect another person is to disrespect one’s self! (How can you possibly feel good about yourself if you treat others in ways you don't respect?) One cannot disrespect oneself and have self-esteem!

 

The abusive individual's problem is rooted in self-absorption. The ability to consider the other person's point of view is obliterated by the absorption with perceived attack, self-defense, etc. The goals of treatment are to increase non-judgmental self-awareness, to expose underlying beliefs, and examine whether or not these beliefs work. The key words are self-acceptance and self-awareness. Self-acceptance mitigates the self-absorption. Acceptance implies empathy and forgiveness of self and other. The need to retaliate or be right is reduced. Self-awareness increases self-control and personal power. If the little micro-choices we make millions of times a day (e.g., getting angry if snubbed vs. being amused if snubbed) don't work for us, the fix is to increase awareness. With awareness comes choice. With choice comes (real) power: Personal power.

 

Characteristics of Verbal Abuse

 

1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of the partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the problem, rather than her partner.

 

2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and name- calling) or covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that approaches brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her without her knowing.

 

3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to control and manipulate.

 

4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it. She may consciously or unconsciously try to change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.

 

5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is one of the most significant characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned, shocked, and thrown off balance by her mate's sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful comment.

 

6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse, and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure.

 

7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. For example, he may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what is wrong with her.

 

8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes. Later other forms might surface. Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with "accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.

[stoneymirror]

and this was her response:

 

"Thanks a lot, thanks for making me feel like a horrible person and making this out to be like you've never done some of these things in our relationship."

[trueblue72ny]

she is still thinking about herself. Wow. serialgf has some good pointers. she needs a little tough love. look at your huge letter, and look at her response. you get a one liner. Wow.

[stoneymirror]

You're right, she's only thinking of herself. And once again she turns this around on me, gives me the guilt treatment, gets mad and can't for one second be understanding to my feelings. It's so selfish, and just proves once again my feelings aren't important in this relationship.

 

As you can see, she only makes things worse, each and every time. She just buries herself every single time.

Edited November 24, 2009 by stoneymirror

[serialgf]

It looks like there's not much you can do right now. It also sounds like you need to do some serious work on yourself to recover your self-worth. One thing I've learned through my experiences has been never again to let my self-worth be determined by another person or by my romantic relationship. When the sh*t hits the proverbial fan you need to be prepared to rely wholly on yourself.

I hope you will consider my previous post as I think it can help you.

 

I hope you are doing better and that you have not contacted her again - IMO you are in serious need of some time to yourself. Be selfish. Spend time doing stuff that makes you happy - go to the movies, do a hobby, buy yourself a toy... whatever!

 

And again, you deserve to be treated better than this. Her response to your thoughtful email was not only selfish but terribly short-sighted and immature. You don't need this! Tell yourself that and believe it!!

 

And whatever you do, please don't go to Thanksgiving at her place - this is bound to set you backwards!!

 

You can get through this!! Keep posting!

 

cheers,

sgf

[VeveCakes]

You're right, she's only thinking of herself. And once again she turns this around on me, gives me the guilt treatment, gets mad and can't for one second be understanding to my feelings. It's so selfish, and just proves once again my feelings aren't important in this relationship.

 

As you can see, she only makes things worse, each and every time. She just buries herself every single time.

 

I did the same with my ex boyfriend, I sent him a big reading on Borderline Personality Disorder...and his response was "now that we know what's wrong with me, what's your excuse?"

 

He didn't take it seriously, I was trying to show him what he's like and how he made me feel but it was all a joke to him. She is doing the same thing. She cleary has an issue and needs to get it sorted, however that won't happen until she can admit it.