sean1970 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Hey all... Ive been on LS for over a month now and have even tried to dispense advice from time to time like I knew what the fu&ck I was talking about... But this weekend, I just about lost my mind... No, I have not broken NC (42 days). I know it sounds silly but it was the Michigan vs Ohio State game... She graduated MI the summer of 08 but she is from Ohio. We would always make a big deal about razzing her friends when I was there (LDR for a year). This year, knowing she is now dating another, I was alone. That is what it will be like for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and my birthday Dec 30th. I would have bet all that I own that I would at least hear from her on my birthday but I just know I wont now... "Why bother" is what I hear in my head. I cried like a new born for most of the game. I dont think I have broken down that much since the breakup in July (breadcrumbs from her for months thereafter kept things going longer than they should have). I wanted to call her a thousand times. Wanted to hug her so badly... Friends and family have said all the usual things, "She will realize what she thrown away at some point" but I know that is not true. I actually believe she thinks she has shed some dead weight, that her live is so much better now. I'm sorry guys, I just don't know where else to get this out... I don't know that Ill even be able to make it through work today... How did this happen?
nobmagnet Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 you will get through tomorow. you are having a blip. It is a greiving process. certain times of the year will be painful. My advice is to make new ones. completely change the was it was. make new dates of significance and live by them. ie: first time i laughed and ment it first time a looked at a bloke/woman and smiled first time I had a ...................meaningless shag! just try not to dwell on the past you have a cracking future when you are over this hugs x
Thebob Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Ok just to shed some light on your situation, Back during my birthday like 2 weeks ago, I was walkin back like 5-7 miles ( while drunk ). Then all the emotions started to fall out of me and I balled while walking. Then I started praying that someone better will come my way and that my life will be fine. I haven't cried at all in the longest time, and all of a sudden I just did. I even cried in front of my friends which I never have done in my whole life. I felt like a total fag. I do believe in God, but I would like to witness something to prove that hes there. But randomly that was the only person I could go to hoping there is a God that can help me out. Hoping my ex would call and tell me that she made a mistake, but I know she wont cause she is with a new boyfriend now. Hopefully this helps, and we all have these days that suck. I have stayed NC tho close to 2 months and a week now. Never thought I would have these emotions for a girl in my life but I have. Thebob
Ms. Joolie Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) Hey all... Ive been on LS for over a month now and have even tried to dispense advice from time to time like I knew what the fu&ck I was talking about... Awww.... don't down yourself this way. For one, I've appreciated your info. I always think it's well thought out and, well, you have a good mind. Good input. Makes Love Shack happen if you know what I mean. lol As for your breakdown....... Is she the first female you have truly, romantically loved?? Edited November 23, 2009 by Ms. Joolie
Author sean1970 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Is she the first female you have truly, romantically loved?? Thanks Joolie... No, and here is the kicker, she is 24, I'm 38. We met while she was here in MI for school. I have had 'many' relationships; I was her first in many regards. I had no idea, however, that I would be as damaged as I have been from this. I cant tell you how much I miss her and that she is in almost every thought I have.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Thanks Joolie... No, and here is the kicker, she is 24, I'm 38. We met while she was here in MI for school. I have had 'many' relationships; I was her first in many regards. I had no idea, however, that I would be as damaged as I have been from this. I cant tell you how much I miss her and that she is in almost every thought I have. So do you think this break up is harder than the others or about the same?
Author sean1970 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 So do you think this break up is harder than the others or about the same? I had a 5 year relationship that rocked me pretty hard when it ended (I moved to Maine to be with her). They all hurt... One of the things I miss most is listening to her... I know that sounds odd but men are notoriously bad listeners. I wanted to make a point with her to really listen and take a genuine interest in what she cared about. She would often remark that, weeks after a conversation, I would ask her about something she was talking about then. Work or something to do with her family, didnt matter, I wanted to hear how it went or what she did... "You really do listen to me.." she would say. "Baby, I care about you and what is going on in your life." She really did love me at some point but now, probably never thinks about us... Kills me....
LuckyYou Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Everyone has their breakdown moments...even our ex's I'm sure. It's human nature. I know exactly how you feel! I have been going on a month of doing awesome! Feeling great, ready for new things. Then Wednesday I got the flu really bad and just completely lost it for the last few days. I was super depressed found myself just breaking down crying for no reason. Missing things I thought I was totally over....Wanting my old life back... But we pull threw it. Now that I'm over the flu and I'm almost back to feeling like i was a week ago. Better. It's just a small bump in the long road to recovery. Hang in there you'll pull through
Ilovecake Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Sean1970 you have given out a lot of good advice on this site. Maybe now that you got over that hump next time you see Michigan play it won't hurt as bad. If it makes you feel any better not only was my birthday completely ignored this year by the ex and everyone else I know, but my ex ignored it even when we were still living together. The first time he did that I cried like a baby and he said my birthday is just not that important to him and I need to get over it. He did however go out the next day and buy me a card because he felt guilty. The next year he followed it up by dumping me on my birthday and then going out a week later for his birthday and having the time of his life with some nasty chick.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I had a 5 year relationship that rocked me pretty hard when it ended (I moved to Maine to be with her). They all hurt... One of the things I miss most is listening to her... I know that sounds odd but men are notoriously bad listeners. I wanted to make a point with her to really listen and take a genuine interest in what she cared about. She would often remark that, weeks after a conversation, I would ask her about something she was talking about then. Work or something to do with her family, didnt matter, I wanted to hear how it went or what she did... "You really do listen to me.." she would say. "Baby, I care about you and what is going on in your life." She really did love me at some point but now, probably never thinks about us... Kills me.... I think that you made such an effort to listen to her really, really shows what kind of guy you are. You are very thoughtful. I mean, even your LS input is thoughtful. I knew it!! Already I know you are an amazing man, and you should look forward to what's ahead for you. I have read your previous threads before. You caught my attention because my ex was born in 1970 and you were also involved with a 20-something year old. I was 24 when I met my ex, and he was 36. So I'd like to say that we could have a lot to talk about. I do apologize that it is how it is. In my eyes, it seems like she is, well, typically going through her 20s. She DID love you, but you remember life in your 20s, don't you?? It's a wild ride. She got distracted, and then she lost out on a valuable relationship. It really is something she lost with you, and you recognize this. Recognizing this doesn't heal the hurt though. Is there something in particular that you are still holding onto with this relationship? Some idea, or something unresolved, that is making it hard to let go?
Author sean1970 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Is there something in particular that you are still holding onto with this relationship? Some idea, or something unresolved, that is making it hard to let go? I don't know that I'm holding onto anything other than the memory. I have no reason at all to think that we will ever speak again let alone get back together. As for anything being unresolved, watching her stand in front of me, agitated, and say, "I Dont Want To Date You!" took care of that... She called when I got home, was angry, I said I was sorry, never spoke to her again. That was Oct 12th. She sent a text a week later, "Just wanted you to know, I did like you, and will again Im sure. Im just angry and need to let that run its course. Im sorry." I did not respond and was the last Ive heard from her.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I don't know that I'm holding onto anything other than the memory. I have no reason at all to think that we will ever speak again let alone get back together. As for anything being unresolved, watching her stand in front of me, agitated, and say, "I Dont Want To Date You!" took care of that... She called when I got home, was angry, I said I was sorry, never spoke to her again. That was Oct 12th. She sent a text a week later, "Just wanted you to know, I did like you, and will again Im sure. Im just angry and need to let that run its course. Im sorry." I did not respond and was the last Ive heard from her. She was definitely angry with you. You do understand this, right... and you know why?
Author sean1970 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) She was definitely angry with you. You do understand this, right... and you know why? Three weeks earlier, she was here in MI for work. We went out a couple of times and it was 'ok'. She even showed up at my house at 1:30am but I did not hear the doorbell. The day before she was to leave, we started to talk about the relationship. She became cold and ended the conversation. The rest of that week, many phone calls from her with, "I just called to say I was thinking about you, like I always do." On the last conversation, she asked if we could talk regularly again. I said if there was a possibility of us working on the relationship again, yes. If not, no. Three weeks of NC, I get buzzed up, text her, we talk. Things were going ok till, you guessed it, I brought up the relationship. Finally asked her to tell me she no longer loved me and that would help me. She would not and ended the conversation. So, Mr. incredibly stupid makes the 4 hour trek to her house. Show up, things are fine, she calls off work, Im giving her a massage, we were going to make a day of it. Talk of the relationship, she just gets frustrated. That, and that I started the trip buzzed, is why she said she was angry. I also think that she had a "what am I doing?" moment but I dont know... When I got home, she called. She was still angry... I kept asking her why so much so (stated above). I finally said, "Look, maybe in a year, send me a text letting me know you did like me and dont think Im the jerk that you do now." She waits a week to send me that text. Edited November 23, 2009 by sean1970
Ms. Joolie Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Three weeks earlier, she was here in MI for work. We went out a couple of times and it was 'ok'. She even showed up at my house at 1:30am but I did not hear the doorbell. The day before she was to leave, we started to talk about the relationship. She became cold and ended the conversation. The rest of that week, many phone calls from her with, "I just called to say I was thinking about you, like I always do." On the last conversation, she asked if we could talk regularly again. I said if there was a possibility of us working on the relationship again, yes. If not, no. Three weeks of NC, I get buzzed up, text her, we talk. Things were going ok till, you guessed it, I brought up the relationship. Finally asked her to tell me she no longer loved me and that would help me. She would not and ended the conversation. So, Mr. incredibly stupid makes the 4 hour trek to her house. Show up, things are fine, she calls off work, Im giving her a massage, we were going to make a day of it. Talk of the relationship, she just gets frustrated. That, and that I started the trip buzzed, is why she said she was angry. I also think that she had a "what am I doing?" moment but I dont know... When I got home, she called. She was still angry... I kept asking her why so much so (stated above). I finally said, "Look, maybe in a year, send me a text letting me know you did like me and dont think Im the jerk that you do now." She waits a week to send me that text. Dont know why, dont know why she waited that long... We always think our partners just move on, don't we? As if it wasn't a break up for them as well... as if they are happier now that they too have a failed relationship behind them. It's not true. It wasn't talk about the relationship that made her angry, it was that thing in the relationship that she either fully discussed with you or not. I know you like to get buzzed and deal with life that way, but she didn't like that. At all. I think you mentioned previously that she's out there getting drunk now, am I right? She isn't happy doing that. She's miserable. Now I had an eating disorder that eventually tore down my relationship with my ex. Not only did it destroy it, but it actually never let it get started. Can you say the same about your drinking habits?
djtmalta Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Hey man, I totally feel your pain. My ex is 24 and I am 36. We were engaged to get married on May 1, 2010. Bought her the ring, she bought the dress, mom and dad rented out the church and so on... We fought at least 2-4 times a month. I mean serious fights with crying and cursing and just not healthy stuff. I broke up with her around Sept. 1 and I think by the end of the month she had moved on and was dating someone else. Incredible! I wish I could move on so fast. Like yourself, I think about her constantly and always find ways to connect things to her. I have to be honest with you and myself though. I think that the 12 year age difference really impacted the relationship. I really knew what I wanted out of this relationship and I don't believe she ever really did. She was also pretty inconsiderate of my feelings at times. However, when I was 24 I know I acted the same way so I can't really judge her. To me I think because we are both older in our mid to late 30's that we should already be with someone, married and with kids by now. I think what is wrong with me at times, why don't I have these things. Sorry for my rant on your post, I just hope you are doing ok today and hope that you have a fast recovery. D
Author sean1970 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) I think you mentioned previously that she's out there getting drunk now, am I right? I can't say now what she is doing, however, showing up at my place at 1:30 from the bar, hearing from her that drinking 'was getting out of control', and the reason for some of her moderate weight gain was 'all the beer' is an indication that she has her own issues. Now I had an eating disorder that eventually tore down my relationship with my ex. Not only did it destroy it, but it actually never let it get started. Can you say the same about your drinking habits? I know it contributed to the demise of our relationship. It kills me but I have to live with it.... Hey man, I totally feel your pain. My ex is 24 and I am 36. We were engaged to get married on May 1, 2010. Bought her the ring, she bought the dress, mom and dad rented out the church and so on... Showed her my mother's ring I was going to give her. You have not seen a more excited woman. We fought at least 2-4 times a month. I mean serious fights with crying and cursing and just not healthy stuff. Exactly what ours was like... I was not an ass to her, in fact, I'm reading "No More Mr Nice Guy' to work on some doormat issues I may have. That said, I could not believe the ease at which the woman could cry. The smallest things and she would weep almost uncontrollably at times. I grew to believe that she would start to cry just to end an argument she was wrong about. I broke up with her around Sept. 1 and I think by the end of the month she had moved on and was dating someone else. Incredible! I wish I could move on so fast. Like yourself, I think about her constantly and always find ways to connect things to her. She had a match.com profile a week after our breakup... Most painful thing is to see the girl that you're still very much in love with advertise herself for other men. I have to be honest with you and myself though. I think that the 12 year age difference really impacted the relationship. I really knew what I wanted out of this relationship and I don't believe she ever really did. She was also pretty inconsiderate of my feelings at times. However, when I was 24 I know I acted the same way so I can't really judge her. I know exactly what you mean. The thing that really bothers me, however, is that her age and inexperience somehow serve as a legitimate excuse for some of the shi&tty things she did at the end (blew me off for some guy when we had plans, the mountain of breadcrumbs she shoveled my way, heap all the blame on me for the end of our relationship). Just doesnt seem right... To me I think because we are both older in our mid to late 30's that we should already be with someone, married and with kids by now. I think what is wrong with me at times, why don't I have these things. In the end, I cant say that dating her was not like reaching back in time, regaining some youth. I had more fun with her than I had had in some time. For her, I was her first long term relationship, first live in BF, first lover... Just such a disorienting/heartbreaking feeling to be so important to each other at one point and now have it mean nothing. Edited November 23, 2009 by sean1970
Ms. Joolie Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Just such a disorienting/heartbreaking feeling to be so important to each other at one point and now have it mean nothing. You can't let it stay that way. You can't let it mean nothing, it will drive you crazy. Have it mean something. Look at it all and recognize how it has helped you, or contributed to your life. If all you see is negative, you're not seeing the whole picture.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 It's so horrible to break down weeping and feel like you can't stop, I get anxious thinking I won't be able to stop, and it does seem to go on for hours sometimes, but it stops after a while, it scares me at the time. I don't cry as much as I did the first month, but I'm pretty sure I will have crying bouts for a while to come yet. All I can say is we have to have faith and hope that things will improve. (((((hugs)))))
j_cali_man Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 I agree Heaven, The weeping is rough and especially being a guy. Chin has been up and been out enjoying life but there have been a few melt downs. Sucks because I sit there and am thinking wth am I doing as tears stream down my cheeks and into my mouth. She is NOT weeping over me..and it kind of soothes me a bit. Then I get my butt up and find something that needs to be done. Oh and I can relate to the age difference stuff mentioned. 34 and she was 26. J
USMCHokie Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Just such a disorienting/heartbreaking feeling to be so important to each other at one point and now have it mean nothing. Like Joolie said, you can't think this way...I'm VERY guilty of letting myself think this...but you were important to her...as important to her as she was to you...and it DID mean something...does it mean something now...? Maybe not the same as before, but it still has meaning and value...everything you learned from the relationship, the breakup, and all the aftermath...all the great times you had with her...don't ruin that by associating your time with her as just the sadness of the breakup... Sean, we all go through these moments...we feel like we're doing better as we offer advice to those in need on LS...with each post we feel just a little bit stronger...and after a while, you almost feel invincible...and then you just have a bad day...but you're still the same person...who has gone through all the crap and come out on top...tomorrow or the next day or whenever it is, you'll be right back on top offering your good advice to all of us...
Author sean1970 Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 does it mean something now...? Maybe not the same as before, but it still has meaning and value... It does to me... Its just hard when you feel it does not for her. When I did talk to her, I could hear the anger in her voice, like she had been practicing dislike for me/us. Sean, we all go through these moments...we feel like we're doing better as we offer advice to those in need on LS...with each post we feel just a little bit stronger...and after a while, you almost feel invincible...and then you just have a bad day...but you're still the same person...who has gone through all the crap and come out on top...tomorrow or the next day or whenever it is, you'll be right back on top offering your good advice to all of us... I did think I was getting better. However, these waves have made me not trust the times I feel ok; that the painful emotions are just around the corner ready to extinguish progress. I just wish she did not still exist in my heart and so many of my thoughts. Thanks USM, Ms. Joolie, Heaven...
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