sedgwick Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) Before I go into this, I would like to very respectfully ask that comments such as "ALL men ONLY like (whatever)" and "Well, of course no one could ever possibly love you, you're BIPOLAR" be avoided. I will not respond to any such comments. Thank you! Now, here's the story: 1. Arrive at party Sat night. DB runs around playing host and being sexy. 2. Drum drum, dance dance, repeat for two hours. A scrawny red-haired chick throws herself at him all night. Every time I think I'm going to finally talk to him, she interrupts in some way. I am discouraged and rally girlfriends in the kitchen. They confirm that indeed this chick is throwing herself at him, but that the important thing is I'M OUT DOING SOMETHING SOCIAL AND HAVING A CRUSH IN THE FIRST PLACE. They are correct. I go back upstairs, sit down on the floor, and DB sits down beside me and says, "How are you? Are you having fun?" We proceed to talk about this weird spongy thing to hit drums with (you'd have to see it.) I whip out the phrase "implement of actuation" and score big points. Redhead usurps him. I let her. She can throw herself at boys all she wants but I'll never throw myself at another one again. 3. (sidebar) While sitting on the porch with a friend at one point in the evening, two of DB's friends arrive. We start talking and one of them says, "Are you Sedgwick the bellydancer?" I say yes, and she says, "Oh, yeah, DB told me about you. He said you were a great dancer." 4. People start packing up to leave and the redhead scrambles to hug him. I let her. I am determined to go slooooowly and get to know him, and not to be That Girl this time around. I have enough respect for myself to be patient, even though I seriously want to rip his clothes off, straddle him, intertwine my toes with his, and lick his chest. 5. I remember as we're leaving that I've brought half a glove for him to try on (am knitting him gloves in exchange for drum lessons.) I whip it out of my purse and put it on his hand. I hold out the ball of yarn and say, "Do you like the yarn?" He puts his hand under my hand and touches my fingers and says yes. 6. Other people are leaving, and while DB says goodbye to everyone, his friend (who looks like if Steve Gutenberg and Harry Potter had a baby) says, "Can I see that knitting?" I say yes and show it to him. He says, "That's so cool. DB told me the other day there was a dancer he was teaching to drum who was making him gloves." 7. When I leave, he kisses me on the cheek, and it's more than just a peck but still not enough for me to know if it's flirting. I turn my head and he's tall and my face is in his neck and I kiss his neck, softly, and run my hand a couple of inches down the small of his back. And then I walk out the door without saying another word. And then, yesterday, I got an email from him saying he noticed my mood change later in the evening and asked if I was okay (perceptive mofo, he is.) I wrote back saying I sometimes got a little overwhelmed at parties and had to step outside, away from the action, but I was fine. Got this response: "Hey, no worries, i think i understand. I was happy to do the exchange for one lesson, but after that I'd like to be paid. How does $20 sound? I usually charge $40 and I know you are tight right now, so am I. This week I'm headin' out to my family's on Tuesday afternoon so it'd probably have to be next week. Let me know what you think." Followed within minutes by this one: "Actually Sedgwick, let's talk this out on the phone. I'm a little confused about how I want to work this and I think we should talk it out in real time instead of this lame ass email sh*t. Whoever invented this crap anyway?" Ugh. First of all, a pair of handmade gloves takes WAY longer than a one-hour drum lesson -- usually takes me between 10-15 hours to make a pair, and I charge people $20/hr for custom knitting. But I feel this is the "you like me but I don't like you" email. I called him and got no answer, so I hung up without leaving a message. No call back. I'm embarrassed and not sure how to save face if and when he calls, but at this point I'm not really expecting to hear from him again. I wish I knew what I did wrong! Edited November 23, 2009 by sedgwick
dreamergrl Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Awwww I'm sorry! It seems to me that he's trying to drum up (no pun intended) business - next him!
Author sedgwick Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Yup, I think I was only a potential source of income to him, and I misread it and thought it was a crush. Oh well! At least I tried, and maybe in a few more years I'll get up the courage to try again.
dreamergrl Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 The important part is that you tried It doesn't always work out the way we want! On the plus side, you'll be a little smarter about picking up on the vibes next time! It took me forever, and sometimes I still don't know, to tell if a guy is interested.
shadowplay Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Sedgwick -- I warned you that this was the case and you were very dismissive of what I said.
Author sedgwick Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Sedgwick -- I warned you that this was the case and you were very dismissive of what I said. I ask respectfully that you stop commenting on my threads. Thank you!
shadowplay Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Yup, I think I was only a potential source of income to him, and I misread it and thought it was a crush. Oh well! At least I tried, and maybe in a few more years I'll get up the courage to try again. a few more years?
quankanne Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 ah, the dance of romance! ... and from the sound of it, there's a deeper interest than student-teacher, IMO. Because otherwise, he would have left communication at the email he sent, not request a phone conversation. I'm wondering if he thought you were uncomfortable at the gathering because of something he may have inadverdantly done? meanwhile, I'm laughing at an image of this red-headed hussy throwing herself at him ... um, I think your belly-dance skills are much more enticing to a guy than what it seems like *she* could ever offer shake your groove thang, sedg!
shadowplay Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I ask respectfully that you stop commenting on my threads. Thank you! WTF. This is a public forum. I can comment on your threads if I want to. It's sad that you dismiss advice that you don't want to hear, even if it's true. Several people in your last thread warned you that he probably wasn't interested, and you didn't listen.
AriaIncognito Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 What is it with you and musicians sedgwick? What is it they say about the definition of insanity...repeating the same thing and expecting a different outcome. Ok, i know, you dont want anyone to generalize, but I'm going to go out on a limb (being a musician myself) and say that about 75% of them are going to be no good for you. If you have to go for a musician, find one that it's not his sole source of income :-) Different egos there usually (from experience once again I say this). I think it's AWESOME that you've let yourself like/crush on someone again. Major step for you! So either way, don't be discouraged by this situation. It's just the first step to you finding your true happiness :-) I have to admit though, I'm confused. Your above post makes it look like he has interest. I don't think people go around telling their friends about someone if they are just a client of theirs. I'm not sure if i'd discount him just yet, but again, be very careful with the musician thing.
dreamergrl Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I don't see the point of doing the "I told you so" crap to OP. She pushed herself to try, and while it didn't turn out as wanted, at least she knows she has the courage in her. Sometimes this is the best way to learn.
Author sedgwick Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 ... and from the sound of it, there's a deeper interest than student-teacher, IMO. Because otherwise, he would have left communication at the email he sent, not request a phone conversation. I'm wondering if he thought you were uncomfortable at the gathering because of something he may have inadverdantly done? meanwhile, I'm laughing at an image of this red-headed hussy throwing herself at him ... um, I think your belly-dance skills are much more enticing to a guy than what it seems like *she* could ever offer Yeah, the requesting a phone conversation thing is weird. I don't really know why he'd be doing that, but I'll let him call me, I'm not calling/contacting him anymore. It's bizarre he sent me the "I'd like to be paid" thing after having a conversation with me last week in which we agreed to exchange gloves for lessons, and I told him gloves were time-consuming to make and would take me a couple of weeks. I thought I made it really clear it took more than an hour, so it's weird he would suddenly want to be paid. I mean, I've already put about 4 or 5 hours into them, and was going to tell him that until I received the second email. The redhead danced kinda like Elaine from Seinfeld. I was like, fine, I'll be over here REALLY dancing. She also kept trying to massage his shoulders all night, and he seemed kind of annoyed by it. But it was a great reminder to me of what NOT to do!! I guess the thing I most want to know is if I made a fool of myself by kissing him on the neck or if I can still hold my head up on this one.
northstar1 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Just give it some time and see what his interest is. Did he call you? He seems to be a bit of a mystery, but i wouldn't say that he's blowing you off.
melodymatters Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Hey Sedge, I've been thinking about you, thanks for the update ! It sounds to me like he doesn't know what he wants ! On one hand there is defintley flirting, but you guys are NOT 10 yrs old ! a MAN makes sure you know he is interested. He should have made more effort at the party. Fact. The letter asking for 20 bucks is lame. THEN the following one saying he isn't sure how he wants to work it and to cal him : more push/pull. I would back off of this one not because HE isn't interested ( he seems too weak willed to decide one way or another) but because YOU are no longer interested, because you deserve better : a grown up man ! better luck next time sugar, at least you know there is life after fiddle faggott !
shadowplay Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I don't see the point of doing the "I told you so" crap to OP. She pushed herself to try, and while it didn't turn out as wanted, at least she knows she has the courage in her. Sometimes this is the best way to learn. I think it's great that she pushed herself to try. I'm not criticizing her for doing that, and I think it will help her move out of her depression. She should keep it up. What I'm more concerned with his her emotional well-being. If she had heeded the advice of myself and others, her expectations would have been lower going in and she wouldn't have been disappointed. The fact that she says she'll try again in a few years makes me think this could be a big discouragement for her. I hope I'm wrong. I've noticed that Sedgwick often dismisses sound advice that is given to her in her threads. I think this tendency to willfully block out certain aspects of reality is what keeps her in a rut. When she was getting over her ex, people tried to help her by pointing out that he wasn't the love of her life. But she refused to listen. I guess you can't convince somebody of something if they're unwilling to listen.
Author sedgwick Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 I have to admit though, I'm confused. Your above post makes it look like he has interest. I don't think people go around telling their friends about someone if they are just a client of theirs. I'm not sure if i'd discount him just yet, but again, be very careful with the musician thing. Seriously! I need to go after a nice Jewish dentist or something. It was weird that not one but two of his friends said he'd told them about me. He did come and try to talk to me at one point, like, ignored everyone else and sat down beside me and started talking and laughing, but the redhead walked between us and kind of interrupted things.
Ariadne Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 WTF. This is a public forum. I can comment on your threads if I want to. It's sad that you dismiss advice that you don't want to hear, even if it's true. Several people in your last thread warned you that he probably wasn't interested, and you didn't listen. Yeah, she told me: Ariadne, you are officially the biggest downer ever! Sometimes I wonder why I post stuff here Anyway, I don't think Sedge will feel too happy to handle those gloves to pay for the past lesson where they just fooled around for a bit. I think that's unfair of the guy, those gloves take longer than an hour to knit (but maybe he doesn't know).
shadowplay Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Seriously! I need to go after a nice Jewish dentist or something. It was weird that not one but two of his friends said he'd told them about me. He did come and try to talk to me at one point, like, ignored everyone else and sat down beside me and started talking and laughing, but the redhead walked between us and kind of interrupted things. Most of the time when a man blows hot and cold he's not interested. If you start analyzing his intentions/actions you're getting too emotionally invested in something that has low potential. I would continue to get out there and meet more men. Be proud of yourself for trying, but move on.
shadowplay Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Yeah, she told me: Ariadne, you are officially the biggest downer ever! Sometimes I wonder why I post stuff here Anyway, I don't think Sedge will feel too happy to handle those gloves to pay for the past lesson where they just fooled around for a bit. I think that's unfair of the guy, those gloves take longer than an hour to knit (but maybe he doesn't know). I don't think it was fair for him to lead her on with the flirty behavior and party invite...and then ask her for money on future lessons.
Author sedgwick Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 I would back off of this one not because HE isn't interested ( he seems too weak willed to decide one way or another) but because YOU are no longer interested, because you deserve better : a grown up man ! Yeah, after Joe I'm definitely not interested in doing the ambiguous-push-pull thing anymore. That's the biggest lesson the Joe saga taught me. I will never be that wrapped up in another person's ambivalence again!! It's hard not to take it personally when something like this happens, but meh, whatever. I'm mildly disappointed but certainly not having any kind of breakdown over it, which is a sign to me that I've got my head a LOT more together these days than I did back then! And that in itself is a positive and comforting thing. I just want to make sure I didn't do anything too embarrassing and that I have nothing to be ashamed of when we talk.
AriaIncognito Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 It's hard not to take it personally when something like this happens, but meh, whatever. I'm mildly disappointed but certainly not having any kind of breakdown over it, which is a sign to me that I've got my head a LOT more together these days than I did back then! And that in itself is a positive and comforting thing. I just want to make sure I didn't do anything too embarrassing and that I have nothing to be ashamed of when we talk. Sedg, realize that you're not alone in these feelings. Anyone in your situation (or ok, anyone that puts themselves out there to be hurt and isn't necessarily the date many at once type to just bounce from one idea to the next) would be disappointed if it were to not pan out. However, at least you now hopefully have the wisdom and experience to know that just because someone doesn't feel the same way, or just because something doesn't work out as you want, doesn't mean you are any less of a person or any less worthy of finding love. Hold onto that knowledge, and get yourself out there. :-) Keep talking to him, but try to not put all your eggs in his basket (which I'm sure you already know -- and i also know is easier said than done, if you're the 1 at a time type).
Ariadne Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I don't think it was fair for him to lead her on with the flirty behavior and party invite...and then ask her for money on future lessons. I think it's because she is interested in a relationship, take things slow, get to know each other, etc. And the guy is not even there. He may have considered a fling maybe, but since she is acting serious that's on the go.
Author sedgwick Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Keep talking to him, but try to not put all your eggs in his basket (which I'm sure you already know -- and i also know is easier said than done, if you're the 1 at a time type). I do tend to be quite monogamous, but like I said, I'm not all destroyed over this. There's a lot more going on in my life now than there was when I was with Joe, and even though I've had extraordinarily rotten luck with guys for the past five or so years, I'm not all depressed if I don't have one. I'll talk to him if he contacts me, but I'm not going to contact him. There's a part of me that wants to write back and tell him how long it takes to knit something, though! (Don't worry, I won't.)
Rooster_DAR Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 On the other side of the coin, you could just data for fun and not even think about and permanent relationship. That would be my advice when dating musicians. Cheers!
Author sedgwick Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 On the other side of the coin, you could just data for fun and not even think about and permanent relationship. That would be my advice when dating musicians. Damn musicians!! I'm not really interested in dating for fun. It doesn't mean I want a "permanent relationship" with everyone on whom I have a crush; I don't even know this guy well enough to want that with him yet. But when I think about just dating around, it makes me feel exhausted! I'd rather stay home with a good book until someone really worthwhile comes along. Counterintuitive, perhaps, but honestly I'd rather be alone and do my own thing than be some musician's time-passer. Is there anyone else in their late 30s/early 40s reading this who feels the same?
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