Finally getting a grip

[puppydog]

After talking with a good friend, I'm finally coming to grips with what happened in my failed relationship. I think I finally realized that it wasn't all my fault.

 

1) Within the first 6 months of being together, he suggested that i go get another degree from a better school (i graduated from a state school). i was extremely hurt. So I pushed him away and told him that he should go date someone else if he felt I wasn't good enough for him or his family. He was slightly disgruntled that my parents weren't rich. Obviously I was disturbed. After much discussion, I decided to stay with him.

 

2) Several months later, he had discussion with dad and he told me that his dad was not ok with the fact that i was going to change careers to be a nurse. So my bf at the time asked if I could consider changing to something else. I was already halfway through my first year of a nursing program. I was shocked and heartbroken that my bf could not stand up for me in front of his dad. I should have left the a-hole at the time but nursing wasn't a huge passion of mine so I said fine, I'll go to dental school since that was my other alternative.

 

Obviously you can see why I built up a lot of insecurity and fears of not being good enough. Because of this, there were many times that I felt like I should just break it up with him first before he left me. But I stayed.

 

3) 2.5 years later he graduates law school. We had been together 3 yrs 8 months. I ask him what our time frame is to get married. He said he was thinking of maybe 2-3 more years. Mentally I balked. He said that he wanted to pay off his school loans and buy himself a new car before he got married. I got mad. Honestly, I really thought about it and I came to the conclusion that he doesn't want me enough. This was one of my mom's main concerns -- what is this guy waiting for? He's done with law school, he has a job lined up in December. He's telling you he wants to pay off $60k and buy a $45k car before getting married? Does he really want you???

 

I came to the conclusion, no. That's the main reason why I asked for a break --> and then it turned into a breakup. Then I panicked and went back asking for a second chance. He said no. This is a guy that I 100% loved and would have given the rest of my life to be with, but he just wasn't committing. Talk about feeling stupid. Towards the end I felt like he was just stringing me along. I truly believe that when a guy wants to marry a girl, he will not waste his time.

 

I finally wrote him an email last night, breaking NC. I wrote about the 3 issues I listed above. That even though he said he loved me, his actions spoke louder than words. I think the deep-seated insecurity and fears that I had experienced in the beginning of the relationship kept showing up in different forms. Being told you're not good enough kills your confidence especially if you hear it in different forms. It makes you question the other person's love for you. He not being able to stand up for me to his parents made me distrust him even more.

 

All this time I thought that this breakup was all because of me, but I finally came to a realization that we both played a big part. After I sent him the email, I printed out a copy for myself for whenever I got emotional or missed him. I finally came to grips that he's never coming back (why would I want him back, right?) and that I'm okay with it, because there's someone out there that won't make me feel less than I am. Because he doesn't deserve me; I deserve better.

Edited November 23, 2009 by puppydog

[j_cali_man]

Very tough to read because your emotion is just flowing out..and I know that it stings and hurts. Hold onto the realizatons that you have had because they will be a shield of sorts on the days when you are struggling and want to break NC and such. Remind yourself of his cold shoulder, put downs, and condescension. Hang in there. It will take some time (the amount is up to you and your heart) to heal. My 3 year relationship split hurts pretty bad too.

 

Stay strong,

 

J

[JaggedRoad]

3) 2.5 years later he graduates law school. We had been together 3 yrs 8 months. I ask him what our time frame is to get married. He said he was thinking of maybe 2-3 more years. Mentally I balked. He said that he wanted to pay off his school loans and buy himself a new car before he got married. I got mad. Honestly, I really thought about it and I came to the conclusion that he doesn't want me enough. This was one of my mom's main concerns -- what is this guy waiting for? He's done with law school, he has a job lined up in December. He's telling you he wants to pay off $60k and buy a $45k car before getting married? Does he really want you???

 

Maybe you are being too analytical. If I were in his position, I would be bothered by the $60k as well. I don't know about the car, but having to pay back $60k is a huge burden. I wouldn't want to have that burden on me while getting married. What is he waiting for? Maybe he's waiting for everything to clear so he can marry you happily without having financial worries on his mind?

 

I was $800 in debt and even that much had me worried while I was with my ex.

 

Remember that marriage isn't about you; it's about you and him--together. Like I said, I don't know about the deal with the car, but paying back the $60k seems like a responsible thing to do. Do you really want to be married to someone who is constantly worrying over money that he has to pay back? It's going to cause a strain on the marriage.

 

Wait, why did you not discuss this with him? This is what I hate about people. You jump to a decision without consulting the other person to see if there can be a compromise. If it bothered you so much, then you should have asked him to think about paying off a small amount instead of waiting to pay back the entire loan.

 

This isn't about what he did, is it? It's about your insecurities.

Edited November 24, 2009 by JaggedRoad

[puppydog]

We did discuss it. But the thing is, we both work. He's just passed his bar exam and had a job lined and I make good money as a nurse. Between the two of us, we would have been very comfortable. Paying back those loans would not have been an issue.

 

He wanted to pay off his loans AND his car before getting married. That would be like 100k+ Who knows how long that would have taken.

 

I've had friends who were freshly minted doctors that married fresh-graduated pharmacists (my point is they both had over 200k in debt) and that didn't stop them from getting married. My point wasn't about the loan or the car itself. I understand that there's a need to be financially stable, but people everyday get married with next to nothing and they make it work together. I would have been perfectly fine helping him out pay his loans. My money would have been his money too. I just wondered what the heck he's waiting for.

 

I will admit I have my own insecurities too. As a result of many of his actions, I did get very insecure and trust became an issue. I was a tad bit scared from time to time that he was going to hurt me again.

 

But all in all, I think it's over. He hasn't contacted me once in the past 2 months and I don't think he ever will. Once he sets his mind on it, there's no turning back. I guess unless there's a miracle of God or something he'll be back, but I don't plan on contacting him from now on.

Edited November 24, 2009 by puppydog

[newyork82]

In my opinion, he didn't deserve you. Making you go to another school and complaining that 'his dad' dint like your course was selfish. You were dating him not his dad so that was not even supposed to be made an issue.

We are in a similar boat because my ex also kept rejecting me for marriage even though he hopes to get married in two yrs, but he claimd he dint know if I was d one!

I am on day six NC now. I became so insecure that I started reading and buying books on how to make a man like you/marry you.

Keep your head strong, visit loveshack regularly. Read other peoples stories. It really really helps.

[Boundary Problem]

In my opinion, he didn't deserve you.

 

I am on day six NC now. I became so insecure that I started reading and buying books on how to make a man like you/marry you.

 

Hi Newyork82,

 

I find lots of advice on LS very helpful, but take some of it with a grain of salt. After all, if these people were in happy successful problem-free longterm relationships, they wouldn't be posting here, would they?

 

Don't waste your time reading books about marrying men. Why should getting married or being in a relationship be our goal in any event?

 

Just build your own life. If you are independent the men will have to bring a lot more to the table than flowers and chocolates and problems. Because at the end of the day, we already have everything we want.

 

Some people feel the need to perpetuate silly games for ego reasons and that is their choice. That is not how I choose to live my life, nor do my close friends treat each other that way either. Life is not some exhausting game of testing each other's value. Life is about something else entirely.

 

Anyways, enough rambling for tonight.

 

Hope you have a good night.

 

Boundary Problem.

[JaggedRoad]

I understand how hard it must have been for you when his actions uprooted some of your insecurities, and I apologize if I came off as being too harsh. I don't know how your discussion concluded, but it's good that you at least tried. And yes, his desire to pay off his loands and get a new car is a little suspect. But I don't know your ex and the way he thinks, so I can't really judge.

 

My suggestion? Find the root of your insecurities and hopefully conquer them. If your ex isn't interested anymore, then there's not much that you can really do. Take this time to make yourself happy.

[Boundary Problem]

New York

 

Ignore people who constantly talk about insecurities. Who else would constantly talk about insecurity, except someone who felt insecure? For the rest of us - it never is even a part of how we approach our life.

 

If someone tells me I'm insecure, my eyebrows go up because I know the problem lies with them. And invariably within a short period of time they are telling how to act, what I'm doing wrong, how I should look different and the way I should conduct myself.

 

Something tells me that insecure and controlling behaviours go hand in hand. Some core attempt to control environment because they feel a lack of control within themselves.

 

If someone else is trying to change us, you have to wonder why they don't have enough going on in their own life to keep themselves occupied.

 

I will say that I have stepped in to help friends that I thought needed a hand, but I do try hard not to 'mother' people and back out of their lives as quickly as possible once the 'emergency' is over. And I don't see that as controlling behaviour on my part. It is called empathy.

 

Anyways, I don't concern myself too much with other people's opinions. And if I love someone, I tell them. That doesn't make me weak and needy. It is just one of many facets to my life. But it doesn't define me. I define me.

 

BP.

[puppydog]

Yeah, my problem was that I babied him a lot. Maybe too much.

[RobM]

That was tough to read, sounds like lots of red flags that looking back are easy to see now.

 

I guess it depends on exactly he phrased things when you had the different discussions, did he make suggestions like "you might be happier" at the different school or different career or was it more direct and pushy like "that's not going to work for me, you need to change schools". Did it feel like he was trying to help you or help himself.

 

Honestly, if we're not married I can't see telling a girlfriend to make those kind of major life decisions because it's better for me.

[puppydog]

He "suggested" that I might think about getting another degree from another school. (I already had my BA from a state school. he wanted me to go get another just so i had that "name")The career change? He flat out said "my dad said he can't get over the fact that you're going to be a nurse. my dad asked if there was anything else you might want to change to?" I got mad that he didn't stick up for me and defend me in the end. I really contemplated breaking it off with him, but by then I loved this guy. I made a decision based on emotion, but it is what it is. I stuck it through with him as long as I could despite getting hurt and getting my heart broken. I think we went through a lot and at some point I realized I loved him a lot and wanted stick it out for the long run, but I wasn't getting that commitment from him that I wanted and I broke it up.

 

We didn't communicated as well as we should have (obviously) and towards the end, he said he got "fed up" with everything. I don't know if he said that out of anger, or if he really did give up.