cdt76 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 4 Months since she left me for a friend of mine. No contact in that time. I can't or don't want to let go. What can I do to make it happen or get her back? I'm going crazy.
Author cdt76 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 So basically, I'm left with living a life of regret and sorrow because my mind can't wrap around the fact that she left me? I compare every girl I meet to her and for what? I think does she think of me? Does she ever want to contact me? But why do I want this? Why do I torture myself? How do I stop?
Ultiman Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 So basically, I'm left with living a life of regret and sorrow because my mind can't wrap around the fact that she left me? I compare every girl I meet to her and for what? I think does she think of me? Does she ever want to contact me? But why do I want this? Why do I torture myself? How do I stop? Im sorry man but hes right there is absolutely nothing you can do. This is out of your hands now and in hers, it is her decision if she wants to come back. Now you just have to accept is as what it is, just like you cant force the sun to rise whenever you want, or how you cant control the weather. It has become the same exact thing.
GrayClouds Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 4 Months since she left me for a friend of mine. No contact in that time. I can't or don't want to let go. What can I do to make it happen or get her back? I'm going crazy. Try to understand why your holding on so hard: I was reading through some threads, one in particular. Like many on this side of the river of tears, it is another golden old heartbreak hymn. It runs for more then double digit pages where other original poster show little real healing throughout the thread. I thought about some of my own threads. In essences, they consist of a combination of cathartic cleansing of grief, muddling in misery, and some good old self indigent poor poor pitiful me. These threads were wonderfully meet with understanding and grace by some surprisingly supportive strangers. But most of them show very little healing happen too. They were also met with a few slams in the nutsack, smack on the head velvet hammers of honesty challenging me to let it go and move on. I want to but just can find the way. I think might be understanding why? (this is where I bring it all home, thanks for your patient) We know the hurt, we don't know the other side of the healing so we hold on to what we know. Subconsciously, we feel if we wait in pain long enough it will be reward with something good. If we give it up we wont get the treat that we deserve for our effort. While occasionally a good thing happens while we are in this state, like an EX come back. But that is despite the pain not because of it. Often we just extend the pain and we are left to wish, hoping and hurting. In reality the vast majority of the time we don't get our just treat for holding on to the hurt. Good things do not happen for it. On the flip side. everyone who has let go of it has had good things happen. It can be that the EX came back, more likely something even better. There is no real rewards for holding on to the hurt, even if everything internal is telling us differently. I think I am on to something...or maybe I am just on something:rolleyes:I also suggest checking out this book: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: by Susan Anderson .
Author cdt76 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 You are right. I do hold onto the pain because I know it and it keeps me close to her inside my head and heart. To let go is the unknown, fear of being alone again, fear of not knowing if I'll ever be loved or love like that again. letting go means, losing all hope that she will come back. Losing hope that she comes back means that she never really loved me to do what she did to me. I don't want to lose hope that she love(s)d me because that was such a wonderful feeling and I grew and lived in that feeling. Losing hope means losing everything associated with those feelings and starting over with nothing. Starting over. With all I've been through in the last 4 years, one would think I should be good at starting over.
GrayClouds Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 You are right. I do hold onto the pain because I know it and it keeps me close to her inside my head and heart. To let go is the unknown, fear of being alone again, fear of not knowing if I'll ever be loved or love like that again. letting go means, losing all hope that she will come back. Losing hope that she comes back means that she never really loved me to do what she did to me. I don't want to lose hope that she love(s)d me because that was such a wonderful feeling and I grew and lived in that feeling. Losing hope means losing everything associated with those feelings and starting over with nothing. Starting over. With all I've been through in the last 4 years, one would think I should be good at starting over. No letting go is not losing hope but finding it. Up until now your hope was based on this other person, now you get to learn to base your hope on yourself. It is knowing that your starting over with more then you ever had. You have knowledge and experience that this realtionship gave you. You are lovable and you can love deeply. As you heal you gain the knowledge of the strength inside of you and a deeper understanding of what is important in your life. You gain the knowledge that those feeling will come again and, more importantly, that you are fine and can be happy until they do. You will know you have the fortitude to get through the hard times. It hard and painful but important.
Author cdt76 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 The knowledge and insight into my own person I have gained. But what I also gained was mistrust and doubt in other people. Those feelings are keeping me from believing in hope that others are not like the 5 people in my situation who hurt me through all this. I do believe in myself and I believe I am an outstanding person and father and lover and giver. I know I can love and love deeply. I fear not being able to trust anyone again, I fear not trusting friends or I fear becoming a jealous person and those feelings push me back to what I had, what was known. I'm slowly living daily and moving in the direction I need to but fear and hatred and other negative feelings creep in sometimes.
NopeNah Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 The knowledge and insight into my own person I have gained. But what I also gained was mistrust and doubt in other people. Those feelings are keeping me from believing in hope that others are not like the 5 people in my situation who hurt me through all this. I do believe in myself and I believe I am an outstanding person and father and lover and giver. I know I can love and love deeply. I fear not being able to trust anyone again, I fear not trusting friends or I fear becoming a jealous person and those feelings push me back to what I had, what was known. I'm slowly living daily and moving in the direction I need to but fear and hatred and other negative feelings creep in sometimes. Just as everything else in this world..those "fears" will fade with time.
j_cali_man Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 (edited) Seriously, If you are living in a kind of Hell right now with the pain and such, don't freakin stop. Keep moving forward until you get OUT of Hell. No reason to stay there because as just mentioned, we aren't going to get a reward or merit badge from our ex or anyone else for that matter for our long suffering. Stay strong J Edited November 24, 2009 by j_cali_man sp
GrayClouds Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 The knowledge and insight into my own person I have gained. But what I also gained was mistrust and doubt in other people. Those feelings are keeping me from believing in hope that others are not like the 5 people in my situation who hurt me through all this. I do believe in myself and I believe I am an outstanding person and father and lover and giver. I know I can love and love deeply. I fear not being able to trust anyone again, I fear not trusting friends or I fear becoming a jealous person and those feelings push me back to what I had, what was known. I'm slowly living daily and moving in the direction I need to but fear and hatred and other negative feelings creep in sometimes. Your still healing, allow yourself time. Trusting in ohters is just a reflecting of trusting yourslef. Trusting yourself that you can take car of yourself in others let you down, trusting that you can make quality decisions when it comes to people. You are getting there, it will take time but you see clearly what your feeling and that shows strength of character. A strenght that will get you past your fears to the place you want to be. Be kind to yourself.
Template Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Hey dude, I know it doesn't feel like it now, and it sounds cliche, but it WILL get better. What you are going through is perfectly normal, and it's important that you know that. A lot of us has gone through what you have, and you are not anything special (I really mean this in a GOOD way). I say allow yourself to feel, and keep on feeling. Let it all out, don't take any shortcuts. Eventually you will tire of feeling this way, and start on your path for yourself. Good luck, we are all here for you.
liftedcj7on44s Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Wow. This thread has made me cry. I sit here wanting my wife back, I Miss her so damn much. Reading this thread and seeing other people that feel the same way I do is strange. It's sad to beleive that I still want her back. I have lost all faith in her and trust in her. I too like the O.P. do not know how to let go. I just dont know how to do it. We have a kid together and will always have to be around each other at some point and time. So to the O.P. I feel the same way you do. It sucks, it really does.
Author cdt76 Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 Yes, it sucks. I found out today that she checks my myspace blogs daily or at least regularly ( I put a tracker on it to see who was reading my stuff) So I wonder to myself if after all this time, and her "new" life (which was actually mine before she met me) why she would still check up on me. There is nothing on there about her or other women. I really can't date because I compare everyone to her. Some have indicated that I break NC and text her to see why she is on there. But I really don't know how that would go or how I would handle it. Any suggestions on that? As for being around her because of your child, just keep the conversations child specific. I had to do that with my ex wife as well. But to flip a switch and move on or let go...I just don't know.
GrayClouds Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Some have indicated that I break NC and text her to see why she is on there. But I really don't know how that would go or how I would handle it. Any suggestions on that?/QUOTE] Actually, your already breaking NC by tracking her on your space. NC means NC, not just no talking but no Facebook, MySpace, IM's emails ect. cdt, your having a hard time letting go because your still holding on. You can not heal until you give yourself space to do so.
red_cloud Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Try to understand why your holding on so hard: I also suggest checking out this book: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: by Susan Anderson . Thanks for that entire except. That was so insightful. After reading it I realized that I partially like to hang on to pain and hurt because it makes me feel more noble - at least I can say I was the committed one, I was the courageous one, I was the selfless one wanting to work it out, I was good and he was bad and selfish and scared. But in reality it doesn't make me better than anyone else.. just more depressed.
GrayClouds Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 But in reality it doesn't make me better than anyone else.. just more depressed. You get the gold star for the day! Understanding that will help you heal so much faster. and will make NC easier.
Author cdt76 Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 Some have indicated that I break NC and text her to see why she is on there. But I really don't know how that would go or how I would handle it. Any suggestions on that?/QUOTE] Actually, your already breaking NC by tracking her on your space. NC means NC, not just no talking but no Facebook, MySpace, IM's emails ect. cdt, your having a hard time letting go because your still holding on. You can not heal until you give yourself space to do so. You are right. I know this and I try and live my own life daily. I just don't know how to stop. I guess it will happen over time.
GrayClouds Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 You are right. I know this and I try and live my own life daily. I just don't know how to stop. I guess it will happen over time. Or making a contiguous effort, eliminate her #, email, address, get off the social sites. EXERCISE until your dead tired. Read some SH books, journal, look at working with a professional, and most important when you start thinking of her, stop and : QUOTE=TaraMaiden;2374861]Could I ask you a question then? Instead of trying to get rid of it, recognise that the reason you can't just get rid of it, is because something within you is saying, "Hang on, we haven't worked through this one, yet...." Instead of using the 12lb club-hammer to beat it into submission, take the scalpel, new blade, tweezers and start ever so slowly locating it. The pain. Where is it? I mean, where, physically within you, do you feel it? Pinpoint it. locate it. With laser-precision, find its hiding place. Now, slowly, start dissecting it, and define exactly what the trigger is. What's this pain called? is it, 'missing'? Is it, 'empty'? Is it, 'wondering'? Give it a name. give it an identity you can 'talk' to. then ask it what the Fu*ck it wants from you. What is it you can give that will slake its thirst and sate its hunger? because it's just a sensation. It's just a feeling. but it's there, and it needs addressing. Don't run from it then. Embrace it. welcome it. Thank it, for without feeling it, you'd be a pretty insensitive kind of guy. It tells you one thing, one thing for sure. You have heart, and it beats. And you're alive, and notwithstanding the agony, it's proof positive that you Love with intensity. Sometimes, even the deepest of pains teach us that the pain we're feeling is good for us. because we're good. You're a good man, Gray, and you're worth going through this, because ultimately, love doesn't always give you the choice. This thread my be a helpful read: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=201198
Author cdt76 Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 Thank you grey. I've tried this but haven't given it enough time or attention to locate it and name it. i need to take the time.
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