Ody Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 One thing I'm surprised about on this site is how no one ever seems to recommend or even speak civilly about rebounds. I personally think they can be great. I'm not talking about some seedy get trashed a week after a breakup and sleep with the weird guy at the bar type of thing. As an example, I remember being 19, still smarting from a breakup that had happened quite a while earlier. While back in NYC on Christmas break from college I ran into an old high school friend whose fiancee had recently left her for someone else. We knew each other pretty well in high school, never any sexual tension but we had a lot of very close mutual friends and such. Anyway we wound up spending most of that holiday together hooking up and also hanging with our mutual friends, and it was great. It was a great way for us both to restore our self confidence, have some genuine fun when we were feeling down, and also of course get some good sex. We genuinely liked and cared for each other, and treated each other well, but didn't have unrealistic expectations due to not living in the same place most of the year and also because we just knew we weren't right in the long term. It was definitely a turning point for me in getting over my first harsh breakup. I saw her and her new spouse recently (a decade later) at a birthday party and it was very pleasant all around. I just want to say "get back in the saddle!" in so many responses but refrain. Am I really rare here or am I just reading the wrong threads?
ItsAllGoodAgain Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 In your case the rebound relationship was good. There were no expectations and you both needed it. But for most rebounds there seems to be one side that isn't completely honest with the other. As in my case I was fed a bill of goods in regards to long term comitment and her finding someone she could spend forever with. But as soon as her ex showed up again I was the one who got the shaft. So as long as both sides understand eachother and are honest with eachother then maybe it is good. But if there are lies and unresolved issues, someone is going to get hurt. You just have to be really careful with a rebound relationship.
NopeNah Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I didn't do the rebound thing per-say. I did however have quite a few one/few night stands. Did it help me move on from "our" memories? Not really. It did however help restore my ego that was ripped apart when I found out I had been cheated on by the person I gave my all to for 5yrs. I was open and honest with all parties concerned as to my intentions.
Author Ody Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 I was fed a bill of goods in regards to long term comitment and her finding someone she could spend forever with. Personally I would say this disqualifies the scenario described as a rebound relationship but I get what you're saying.
ItsAllGoodAgain Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Commitment and love is what she wanted when her ex left her 2 months before I arrived. She had a void and these feelings were fresh in her heart. I was there to fill the void. Being on the rebound and having me there to provide love and commitment made it easy for her to voice her wants and desires. But in the end I wasn't the one she yearned for, it was her ex she truly had these feelings for. Not that she didn't care and think that maybe I was the one for her, but being a rebound, it was too soon to distinguish her feelings for me and the ones she still had for her ex. Rebounds can be confusing for both parties. I was blinded by my feelings and didn't see most of the red flags. She said and did everything I was looking for in a relationship. She pushed commitment and higher levels. Iwas sceptical and I knew that our relationship was dangerous but I was weak in that I allowed myself to fall for her. Knowing she was on the rebound, I should have been more careful. In the future I know I will be. Live and learn!!!
Author Ody Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Commitment and love is what she wanted when her ex left her 2 months before I arrived. She had a void and these feelings were fresh in her heart. I was there to fill the void. Being on the rebound and having me there to provide love and commitment made it easy for her to voice her wants and desires. But in the end I wasn't the one she yearned for, it was her ex she truly had these feelings for. Not that she didn't care and think that maybe I was the one for her, but being a rebound, it was too soon to distinguish her feelings for me and the ones she still had for her ex. Rebounds can be confusing for both parties. I was blinded by my feelings and didn't see most of the red flags. She said and did everything I was looking for in a relationship. She pushed commitment and higher levels. Iwas sceptical and I knew that our relationship was dangerous but I was weak in that I allowed myself to fall for her. Knowing she was on the rebound, I should have been more careful. In the future I know I will be. Live and learn!!! Do you have any thoughts on instances where you were the rebound, rather than when you were the backboard, so to speak?
threebyfate Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Ody, what you're describing, I wouldn't call a rebound. More like two people knowing the score and living for the moment. Not a problem. I dated a couple of confirmed bachelors, after the ex and I separated. We enjoyed each other's company, knew the score, so it was all lighthearted fun. A rebound is when one person isn't ready for a relationship, in that they're neither honest with the other person and sometimes, even themselves, and uses the other person without their knowledge or consent. I think ItsAllGoodAgain, put this in more personal terms than I have.
ItsAllGoodAgain Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I am currently on the rebound. I have been dating a few women since my break up but have been very open and honest with them. All but one. She knows of my ex and knows that I had my heart broken by her. I tell her I don't talk to my ex and we have nothing to do with eachother any more. However she is young and is really wanting to go further with our relationship. The only reason I'm holding back is because feelings I still have for my ex. I haven't told her that this is the reason. I just say we need to let things develope and not try to force anything. She is a great girl with a good head on her shoulders. She too has just broke up with her bf of 2 years just over 2 months ago. So there are feelings and voids still in both of our hearts remaining from our prior relationships. Anyone with a decent heart and genuinley cares for people and their feelings wouldn't in their right mind deliberatley use someone. But for some the void and needs are so great that they don't even realize they are. A lot of times they don't figure it out until the other person has already fallen. Once the fire and passion of new love has dwindled they began to wonder and question. The rebound has no more purpose. So if you know that you could be a rebound then you have to take control of the relationship. Set the tone and pace. You have to establish the boundaries and not allow yourself to fall too quick before its too late. Some rebounds work out, but if you allow these relationships to move too quickly, more than likely they won't. I'm only speaking from experience.
Author Ody Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Ody, what you're describing, I wouldn't call a rebound. More like two people knowing the score and living for the moment. Not a problem. I dated a couple of confirmed bachelors, after the ex and I separated. We enjoyed each other's company, knew the score, so it was all lighthearted fun. A rebound is when one person isn't ready for a relationship, in that they're neither honest with the other person and sometimes, even themselves, and uses the other person without their knowledge or consent. I think ItsAllGoodAgain, put this in more personal terms than I have. Yes we do have definitions of rebound, I simply define rebound as any first (or in some cases, even second or third) romantic/sexual encounter after a rough breakup. They are usually not super serious, although I suppose a rebound could turn into something serious (which might invalidate the initial application of the term). In my example, for both of us getting over our previous relationship was definitely the #1 emotional thing on our minds during that time period, this to me differentiates from other live for the moment experiences as you describe. It's also obviously a very cream-of-the-crop example, I certainly agree they *can* cause other issues particularly if it is not a mutual rebound. But even in those cases (and certainly in my example) rebounds can have some very good effects in terms of confidence-boosting and moving one's focus past the breakup. I guess what I was getting at in the thread is that I haven't noticed anyone discussing those aspects of rebounding, almost always just the possible emotional consequences (which I don't deny are possible). It's also quite possible that to some extent some of the good effects can occur at the expense of the bad effects. But I think, at least for dumpees, that's a lot better than some alternatives (i.e. moping for too long!) This board seems all about NC, which I think is often a good thing, but to me rebounding helps move focus from the ex to other things in a way NC can't.
ItsAllGoodAgain Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I do get what your saying. A few of my dates were simply to get my mind off the ex and focus on a different female. Dance, laugh, flirt and maybe sex. But they new. This did help with my confidence and ego for sure. Plus, when your with another women you sure as hell aren't going to contact your ex. I would hope anyway. However, a few times I did get the guilty feeling for a little while after. But all it took to get rid of that was to think of why and who I'm feeling guilty for. Slowly but surly this will all pass. Whatever methods are used.
Zeegagge Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I suppose you could say Im currently rebounding, my fiance and I broke up after 3 years together and within three weeks I was dating someone else. Sidenote: My ex had mentioned to my roommate that she was interested in this certain guy after we broke up. I heard and was upset but he never showed any interest in her. Turns out that after I had gone out with my 'rebound' a few times that the guy my ex was interested in, and the girl I was dating were also dating! Interesting, and talk about helping my ego come back! The one you want wants the one I got! :-P Back to the point: When Im with this new girl I find that we have a really good time together. She's intelligent and fun. I do still think about my ex at times when Im with her but by the time one of our 5 or more hour long dates is over I feel pretty relieved about the whole thing. I feel bad though. I still think about my ex constantly and I know its wrong to be dating someone else. New girl seems to really like me though and we connect on an entirely different level than my ex and I did. Like shifting gears really. Opposite ends of the spectrum. Had hoped to land somewhere in the middle but whatever. What was my point? I guess I know what Im doing is wrong but we have so much fun together that its like why deny ourselves that and more just based on the past...?
Fluffsticle Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I guess I know what Im doing is wrong but we have so much fun together that its like why deny ourselves that and more just based on the past...? I agree, but even though if it doesn't work out, we won't get hurt much. The reboundee will get very hurt. That's the sad part. We can sontrol how much we fall for someone, but we can't control their feelings for us
Beeotch Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 One thing I'm surprised about on this site is how no one ever seems to recommend or even speak civilly about rebounds. I personally think they can be great. I'm not talking about some seedy get trashed a week after a breakup and sleep with the weird guy at the bar type of thing. As an example, I remember being 19, still smarting from a breakup that had happened quite a while earlier. While back in NYC on Christmas break from college I ran into an old high school friend whose fiancee had recently left her for someone else. We knew each other pretty well in high school, never any sexual tension but we had a lot of very close mutual friends and such. Anyway we wound up spending most of that holiday together hooking up and also hanging with our mutual friends, and it was great. It was a great way for us both to restore our self confidence, have some genuine fun when we were feeling down, and also of course get some good sex. We genuinely liked and cared for each other, and treated each other well, but didn't have unrealistic expectations due to not living in the same place most of the year and also because we just knew we weren't right in the long term. It was definitely a turning point for me in getting over my first harsh breakup. I saw her and her new spouse recently (a decade later) at a birthday party and it was very pleasant all around. I just want to say "get back in the saddle!" in so many responses but refrain. Am I really rare here or am I just reading the wrong threads? If one is upfront about the situation or if you both just got out of a relationship it can be "good" to help you get over your pain...however, if it is a case where an innocent person who genuinely likes you and wants a relationship gets caught up with you and thinks you love them because of your displaced emotions, then you get emotionally strong again and decide to drop them like a hot potato..then it is not good. You pretty much did the same thing to this person that you just got out of. Rebounds are usually not good because of the displaced emotions and emotional confusion involved. Most times you end up using someone for the attention and comfort, unknowingly, then you get clarity and MOST times this person is not even someone you would date normally. It is usually an act of desperation which is why it is usually not good. Rebounds are essentially quick fixes. And most quick fixes aren't lasting solutions in truth. But most ppl like the easy way (although ironically the seemingly easy way can often end up making things more complicated or is an illusion and solves nothing). It is ofcourse more appealing to get with someone who is going to give you the attention and care than being alone and working out your problems and taking a break from the game....and also ironically that is what some people NEED esp when the relationship problems start with them or is a reoccurring theme...they need time away from being involved to see what is really going on.
ItsAllGoodAgain Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 It sucks knowing that I was used. I put quite a bit of what I had to offer into my last relationship. To the point that I fell in Love with the girl. After realizing I was a rebound it has made it so much easier getting over our relationship though. I knew she grew to love me and if there wasn't a child involved, we may still be together. It was hard for her to let me go. She knew I would be good to her. She told me she didn't want to lose me. She thought I was everything she wanted. But in the end I wasn't. I don't think she realized she was using me. Sure I was pissed at times and cursed her, but then I realized that the whole situation wasn't worth beating myself up. I realized that she was just as weak as I was. I fell for her, disregarding the red flags. And she continued on knowing that it was dangerous. When she realized it had gone too far, she ended it. In the end its definitely for the better.
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