IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 ...and i don't want to. Everything is just so perfect. To perfect. Everything i do is perfect. There are no problems, turmoil or fights. We are very laid back people so a lot of the stupid stuff ppl fight about we don't. i would just like to see a little passion out of him. He does these sighs of content and perfection when were laying down at night..BE A MAN! Hes nice sweet caring..loves me to DEATH...does dishes..puts up with my carelessness (he finds in endearing). Compliments me everyday. Says I love you twice a day. Why don't i like this. Women every day ask for this kind of man and I have him...but I'm starting to pull away from all this. Why is that?
Moanin Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) I'm curious as to how long you've been married. I am going through something very similar and have been looking for answers myself. I came across the attached website and downloaded the book. Even though your question didn't have anything to do with infidelity, the book explains a woman's relationship pattern. I was able to recognize myself in this pattern. Here are some excerpts: "women are angry in part because they’ve grown up under a double standard, but also because of circumstances they’ve put up with in order to get married. When a woman wants to get married, she will usually overlook a lot, and at times allow herself to be treated pretty badly. After she gets married, not only is the excitement of pursuit over, after a few years of marriage the attraction buzz has dissipated, too. At that point, many women may find that marriage hasn’t even come close to meeting their expectations. Some women feel stupid for having wanted it so badly in the first place, especially since marriage probably increased their workload "First, women focus on getting the man, then they focus on planning the wedding, then they focus on being a good wife and buying and decorating a house, then they focus on having a baby and, finally, they focus on why they wanted all this in the first place." http://www.womensinfidelity.com/ Good luck. Edited November 23, 2009 by Moanin
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Im married almost 4 years. Was it a mistake to get married if Im feeling like this already? I agree with the excerpt about the attraction buzz being lost. Thats what makes me think I am falling out of love. If I loved him..I would still be attracted right?
RobM Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I wouldn't say you're falling out of love, just getting bored and complacent, it's hard to keep up the passion at the same level all the time. Find something to shake it up, do something different, don't just take it laying down, find a way to put some fun and shock back into your marriage.
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 I wouldn't say you're falling out of love, just getting bored and complacent, it's hard to keep up the passion at the same level all the time. Find something to shake it up, do something different, don't just take it laying down, find a way to put some fun and shock back into your marriage. But Im not sure If I want to do that. I have no desire anymore to have sex with him
Moanin Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I'm not sure how to answer that question. I've been married for 9 years and lost the attraction buzz 2 years ago. I still haven't been able to get it back. We have 2 small children so I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. I love my husband as the father of my children, but I don't think I'm in love with him in a romantic sense anymore.
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 but I don't think I'm in love with him in a romantic sense anymore. That's exactly it. We don't have children so whats my problem. Am i falling out of love. I contemplate divorce and it make me upset knowing I would lose him
Ms. Joolie Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 If you are looking for a buzz, get a vibrator. It does sound like you are trying to get some thrill or excitement off your husband....... as if that's what he's there for. Do you love your husband but you just don't feel sexual with him anymore?? Maybe you don't love your husband at all anymore? Do you look at the guy and think "WTF?" lol
Art_Critic Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Start more fights This is just a hurdle in your marriage.. you will get thru it but you have to figure out how to without just throwing in the towel. You mention all things he does for you.. What doesn't he do for you ?.. Maybe there is the start of finding your answer.. What needs of yours are not being met ?
Moanin Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Since you do not have children yet, I would definitely wait until you are able to sort out your feelings for your husband before deciding to have children. My husband and I have tried traditional MC and the positive effects were short-lived. Someone just recently suggested a form of intense relationship therapy called Imago Relationship Therapy. Apparently it helps individuals understand the choice they've made in a relationship partner and helps to explain that the differences in the couple are actually a natural part of what originally attracted you to each other in the first place. It also promises to help you look at the story of your relationship in a fresh way. Good luck.
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Joolie....Thats exactly it. I love him but dont have an attraction anymore. Which makes me think I am falling out of love. Also..some things make me annoyed...His chewing..little things like that. and his contrants clingyness. Which Ive address to him but I guess he doesnt realize when he does it. Plus he said "well if you dont want me to express myself as much..do you not love me anymore.. Art Critic....There are no fights that I can ever start that would ever be a full blown fight..Everyhitng I do is perfect to him and I can do no wrong. And what doesnt he do for me...NOTHING!! He does absolutely everything for me.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 It seems like you have a wonderful marriage then.... you just don't have a sex life with him anymore. You can create that sex life, or withdraw further from him. And you know what further withdrawal will lead to. If you do not want to create that sex life with him, than I think it is safe to say that you have fallen out of love with him.
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 You can create that sex life, or withdraw further from him. And you know what further withdrawal will lead to. If you do not want to create that sex life with him, than I think it is safe to say that you have fallen out of love with him. But it makes me so upset to think i wont be with him if divorce is contemplated
GorillaTheater Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 But it makes me so upset to think i wont be with him if divorce is contemplated You're going to have to pick one: actively work on your marriage or let him go. Anything else is unfair to both of you (but mainly him).
Ms. Joolie Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 But it makes me so upset to think i wont be with him if divorce is contemplated To SAVE your marriage, you know what to do. Create a new sex life with him. Appreciate him. Begin to find things that will make him happy, you happy with him... you happy together. You can save your marriage, but only if YOU want to. If you do not want to save your marriage, you know what to do. You say it makes you upset to think about not being with him, but you are not happy being with him! It's dragging your whole marriage down. You have to choose now. Your life depends on it. Can you become happy in your marriage, or are you willing to go through a divorce to find happiness?
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 To SAVE your marriage, you know what to do. Create a new sex life with him. Appreciate him. Begin to find things that will make him happy, you happy with him... you happy together. You can save your marriage, but only if YOU want to. If you do not want to save your marriage, you know what to do. You say it makes you upset to think about not being with him, but you are not happy being with him! It's dragging your whole marriage down. You have to choose now. Your life depends on it. Can you become happy in your marriage, or are you willing to go through a divorce to find happiness? I really really want to save my marriage. I would never find a guy a great as him. I guess I have to put an effort into improviong out sex life and talk to him about anything that is bothering me
angie2443 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 If you don't nurture a relationship, it will eventually fall apart. Sounds like what's happening here. You need to date your husband on a regular basis, kiss and cuddle, etc on a regular basis. Your desire for sex should return if both of you tend to your relationship more. If you don't want to do that, or he refuses, then divorce. Please, do not have children untill you figure this out.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I really really want to save my marriage. I would never find a guy a great as him. I guess I have to put an effort into improviong out sex life and talk to him about anything that is bothering me Wonderful! I'm happy for you, it sounds like you really will put your heart in it again, because that is what you really want.... you want to save your marriage. And let's be honest, we don't automatically just fall out of love, or automatically think of divorce/separation/breaking up. We've had it on mind. And THAT'S the idea we nurture. If you nurture the idea of saving your marriage, that will be the direction you will take.... and that is what will happen. I imagine it like a garden, where you have to grow what you want. Your marriage is like a garden. Life is like a garden. It takes work but in another x amount of years, you will be able to see what you grew. THAT is real happiness, real fulfillment. I really, really wish you the best.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 If you were with an abusive drunk, you'd be saying you want out. For many woman (sorry), it is never enough. Christ, I WILL MARRY THIS DUDE. He sounds like a wonderful man. The problem is with you here, so get help ASAP before you f-up the best thing that has ever happenend to you. Men like this are VERY few and far between. I consider myself a great guy, but from your description, your husband got me by a longshot. GET HELP ...THERAPY.
quankanne Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 IHNFC, I feel where you're coming from. The good news is that it's not unusual for a couple in a committed relationship to go through this phase every so often, so please don't overly freak out. the best thing I've heard so far is that you've identified this weird feeling, and that you're determined to make your marriage work. A less mature person would bail because he or she doesn't want to invest anymore time in what they consider a "dead relationship." a few thoughts from an old married chica: 1. look into marriage enrichment. We did a Marriage Encounter weekend, which was pretty intense, but really fantastic in that it gave us tools to better communicate with each other 2. check out the book, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman (I think that's the counselor's name) and find out your style of love. I normally don't care for self-help books, but the author did a fantastic job at identifying the different "languages" people use to convey their love. If you figure out your style, then your partner's style, that goes a long way in helping you figure out how to best show each other that you *do* love each other. Even when you feel apathy toward him (or want to pinch his fool head off *raises hand*) 3. take a look at his parents' relationship; there's a good chance he's thinking, "well, they never argue, so that means they really love each other," without realizing that maybe what works for them doesn't necessarily work for y'all. Sí? Might also be why he's so determined to not "find fault" with you, because he wants it to be perfect the way he thinks his folks' relationship is perfect. 4. don't give up – the answers are out there, you've just got to be willing to look for them and to not be overwhelmed by these kinds of feelings, which come around every so often. best of luck to ya, kiddo, and know that we're pulling for you!
hopeful1980 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 If you feel smothered, just get away from him for a while and do something for yourself. Go out with a girlfriend, get your hairdone, get a mani/pedi. . . Spend time with yourself and you may miss him while you're gone.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 IHNFC, I feel where you're coming from. The good news is that it's not unusual for a couple in a committed relationship to go through this phase every so often, so please don't overly freak out. Isn't it amazing? I mean, I look at my own relationships and it was either I bailed.... or I bailed! No wonder I'm single, right? So, yes, I may hold the mirror up to someone else, but that doesn't mean I've been in a committed relationship. It takes work! Is it fun? It CAN be. Is it rewarding? I believe so. We don't make the effort. I haven't made the effort either. And that goes toward ALL relationships. It's a choice, and our life really does depend on it. Are we going to have real relationships or just bail on people? Are we going to have marriages or just give up on the idea of husband and wife? We want relationships, we want marriages. We just don't want to work at them. lol However, if I look down the years.... say 25 years from now, I just know that it's not pleasures I wanted, not thrills. It's relationships and fulfillment... and I'll be reaping those rewards. It's lasting happiness that we want, isn't it? Not just thrills? Okay, mini rant over. But really, OP, I can relate.
Rooster_DAR Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 It sounds like you went into this marriage/relationship without understanding exactly what relationships are perhaps. I have enough experience to tell you that many women do this all the time. The other poster mentioned a book that I believe is called "Womens Infidelity" that denotes exactly what your describing. Although the title subject may not be related here, the author introduces the reasons why women get this way in their marriages. Marriages and relationships do get dull and boring at times, but that is just part of the ebb and flow of human relationships. Some people can handle it, some can't. I also think you need to search yourself out, and make a decision soon so you both can either stay together happily or move one. Also: Remember that the grass is rarely greener on the other side, and you may wind up full circle in your next relationship at some point. Cheers!
kevinconner Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I'm on the other side of this....perfect life and more than perfect wife. Just not attracted.....at all. Here is the good news. IT DOES come back. It was there in the beginning so it didn't go anywhere, you just need to be patient. First off, stop obsessing about it so much. If things are moving smoothly, start to explore your life. Make a conscious effort to plan something each week where its time for you, to get out with other people, and mingle. IMO, there is too much imbalance in your marriage and you two are spending too much time together. If you are out, have a good time, maybe buy something for youself, when you get home and he starts with the clingy stuff you may actually miss him a bit and let it sink in without wanting to puke. The other thing I've found to work in my case.....change your friends. If you are convinced they are "out there" having a better time than you think again. You'll run into so many losers, with so many problems it will make your head spin. That is on the other side. Not sure if this matters, but are you watching porn? If you are, then stop. Put it on the ice chest for a while and you'll find that your inner natural sexuality will come out towards him.....even a little will help.
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Thank you so much everyone for the great advice. I do want to make this work so I am going to try everything in my power to reach out 50th wedding anniv.
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